


Scars For A Dollar

by Heck_To_The_Nah



Category: One Direction (Band), Zayn Malik (Musician)
Genre: 5sos boys are in later chapters, Alternate Universe - Prostitution, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, Prostitute Louis, Rape/Non-con Elements, Smutt, everyone else is at uni, louis is a prostitute, side niam, some bdsm elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-06-30
Packaged: 2018-05-18 22:41:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 22
Words: 100,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5946007
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Heck_To_The_Nah/pseuds/Heck_To_The_Nah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Life is made up of a series of choices. The problem is, sometimes the choices that impact your life the most are not your own.</p><p>It is the choices of others tat have led me to where I am now, selling my body in a brothel. All was horrible, yet bearable. Everyday was painfully similar to the ones before. Until, one day, a choice I made in the past returns. And all I believed to be real or true or normal is flipped upside down.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

When you tell people stuff like this you never really know how they’ll react. Some won’t treat you any differently. Some will try to help you. Some back the fuck away as fast as they possibly can and never contact you again. Not that I really have any experience with the whole telling people thing... I’ve never been able to tell anyone before. It’s just stuff that my coworkers, if you can really call them that, have told me about their own experiences. But I guess that now is as good of a time as any to give it a try.

The beginning would probably be the best place to start. Back with all the gory details.Mom died when I was fourteen. That’s the most important detail because it set everything off. Mom was my favourite person in the world. She would have done absolutely anything for me. Except live, apparently. But after she was gone, things changed. Dad was fine at first, just sad. Of course that wasn’t great because I didn’t have anyone to talk to that would understand other than him and he sort of abandoned me in favour of hiding out in his room. 

After sad was a short period of what I guess could be called cleansing.That was the best time because he was actually trying really hard with me trying to keep me happy, We would talk and cry and it was okay. We were a family. Sometimes he would go out with friends, just for fun. I was alone on those nights, but it was still okay because I could usually hang out with my friends Harry, Liam, Zayn, and Niall.

A year after mom died and after a month of the cleansing, sad happened again. This time was even worse than the first time because gradually he created a new routine. He would wake up, go to work, come home, yell at me for a little while, lock himself in his room to cry, then go out and drink for a few hours, and then come home and sleep. It repeated exactly like that every single day. Slowly he stopped drinking at bars and switched to just getting wasted alone in his room.

I started to spend more and more time away from the house and instead spent it with my boys. They didn’t ever complain about it, but I think they may have been a little curious about why I was suddenly spending every day I could with one of them when it used to just be more like once or twice a week that we hung out outside of school. I also started dating a guy as another distraction. He was sweet sometimes, and he certainly didn’t mind me spending a lot of time alone with me. Though that only lasted a couple months

Almost two years after mum died things became progressed quickly to become drastically worse.

Almost two years after mum died and just a month after my sixteenth birthday, dad raped me for the first time.

I almost didn’t blame him for it. Amost. The fact was that he was an alcoholic who had never completely built up a tolerance. Also, sometimes when he was drunk he would have these...delusions. Like he would hear and see things that weren’t the way they were in reality. One of those times I was unfortunate enough to be stuck at home. My boys were all busy and I had just broken up with my boyfriend about a month prior so I had nowhere I could escape to.

I think he thought I was mum, though I don’t know how that could be possible. I guess I look similar to her, but there are still a lot of differences between us. I was in my room, not his where mum would have been. I was a boy and mum was a woman. And I was begging for him to stop the entire time. He just kept telling me that he loved me.

It happened again a month later. And again a couple weeks after that. And then it was happening every single day. Even if I escaped during the day he would come to my room at night and fuck me awake. I would beg and cry but he never even hesitated. And after a while he stopped telling me he loved me.

Six months after it first started I decided that I was done. I couldn’t go to the police because I had absolutely no evidence. And I couldn’t go to my boys. I loved them and I knew they cared about me just as much, but I couldn’t do that to them.They were happy and I wasn’t. I couldn’t burden them with something like that. So I had nowhere to go. I decided to just leave.

So I did. I packed a backpack with the essentials and stole all the money I could. I hadn’t really planned in advance so I could only get about three hundred pounds. I stupidly thought that would be enough. I took my things and left, saying goodbye to my house that was once my home. I didn’t bother with a note or anything. If I had left one dad would probably never have found it, let alone deliver it to my boys.

I walked to the train station and blindly bought a ticket for the next departing train. Luckily for me, it turned out to be going to London and not another small town. I needed to go somewhere where no one would really get to know me, at least for a little while. Once I arrived hours later, I found the cheapest motel I could and paid for a week. Just that night between the ticket and the motel I had already passed spending a hundred pounds. That should have been my first clue that everything was going to shit instead of improving like I had hoped it would.

Three weeks later I was in deep shit. I only had about twenty pounds to my name and I had yet to find myself a job. I had yet to get an interview since no one would want to hire a kid with no experience. So I sat there in a scummy pub a couple buildings away from my scummy motel, eating disgusting food that lacked nutrition but was the cheapest thing on the menu and it would at least make me sort of full, since I knew it would be the only thing I would be eating for at least another day or so. 

A man approached me, coming up behind me and slithering an arm around my waist and whispered in my ear. “I’ll give you twenty quid for a blowie.”

I froze. I was struck by the fact that he would just come out and ask like that, but he could probably tell how desperate I was for money just based on my appearance.

On one hand, I’m not a prostitute and I have no plans to become one. But on the other...twenty quid. I could get another night in the motel. God, I felt dirty for just thinking about it. But at this point I don’t really have a choice. And anyway, it’s not like I’m a virgin. Just my first time sucking a dick for something other than just praise and another person’s enjoyment. “Are you...are you clean?”

Just because I’m disgusting doesn’t mean I was an STI. Better to be safe than sorry. “Yeah. You coming, baby?”

I nodded. He led me out the back door and into a deserted alley. I guess I’m not even classy enough to deserve walls around me. I got down on my knees in front of him and unzipped and untucked him before putting his dick in my mouth. It wasn’t that bad, to be honest. It sort of hurt because he sort of just fucked my face and didn’t let me do much but it was okay. He didn’t take long until he came in my mouth. I swallowed it obediently and he threw money at me when he was done. “Thanks love, want to do this again sometime?” I nodded. I don’t really, but I’ll be needing more money quickly. “Good boy. Should tell all my friends about you.”

He left me there. I just went back in and sat down to finish my cold meal as if nothing had happened.

I guess he did tell his friends because two days later another guy asked me for the same. And of course I did it. I needed money again. I did it every time someone asked. I of course asked them all if they were clean. They all said they were and I hoped that they were being honest. Not that I could do much if they weren’t. I built up quite the following. Everyday around the same time I would go to the same pub. I usually ordered food. Sometimes I would get to eat before someone approached me, sometimes I wouldn’t. So far no one had put anything in my food so I was okay with leaving it there. Usually I would get at least two guys a night. Most guys would just fuck my mouth, but a couple had let me show off a little. I never really liked it. But I didn’t mind it. It was like any job. Not many people really like their jobs, they just do what they have to in order to get paid. And I did. Not enough to find a better motel, but enough that I was able to eat every so often.

I was okay. I was alone and I still wasn’t happy. But at least now when anyone initiates something sexual with me I have the option of saying no and I get something out of it. I was okay.

Everyday I would suck a couple dicks and get maybe forty quid maybe sixty quid and then I would just go home and sleep. This day was different. I was in the alley, just finishing a guy off, when a car started driving towards us. I quickly deepthroated the guy and he came. He paid me quickly and went back inside before the car got to me. It was pretty obvious what I had just been doing and I didn’t know if they would want something from me too or if I was going to be in trouble. A tall, reasonably attractive very well dressed man stepped out of the expensive looking car with heavily tinted windows. He was probably around age forty or maybe in his early fifties. I stood up, brushed the dirt of of my unwashed jeans, and attempted to look unafraid even though I felt like my stomach was in my throat.

He didn’t look all that intimidating. In fact he was almost smiling. But still, he is an older man who looks like he could easily overpower me. who seemed to have been looking for me specifically. How could I not be afraid? “You the one who’s been selling out of this place?”

“Who wants to know?” I hoped that my voice wasn’t shaking as much as it felt like it was.

“You’ve been stealing my business. Stole a couple regulars from me. You’re lucky they told me so early before you really started making a dent.” He doesn’t look angry...but based on his words he certainly isn’t happy.

“I didn’t…” I hesitated on what to say. I didn’t want to get myself in real trouble. If I wasn’t careful he could easily hurt me. “I didn’t mean to steal any of your customers. I just really need the money. I won’t...I don’t think I’ll be doing it for much longer. Just until I find a job. No one is hiring me yet but I’ll find something soon.”

He chuckled and leant against the shiny hood of his car. “Why on earth would you do that when you’re obviously so good? I train my people to be the best, and yet my regulars have all but left us for you. You’re certainly pretty, so I suppose I can see why. How much do you charge for a blowie?”

“Um, twenty quid. It’s what the first guy offered so I figured I’d stick with it.” I had thought before about asking for more, but I didn’t know how that would be received. It was best to get what I could than have someone get mad at me and get nothing at all.

“That’s another part of it. We charge more.” The way he said it was like it was a proper business transaction, and not a paid sex act. “How old are you?” He cocked his head to the side with curiosity.

“You don’t need to know that.” In my experience, if people figure out that you’re a kid they try and take advantage of you and your situation.

“Well, you don’t look that old. I doubt you’re of age. As disgusting as it seems, you can charge more for someone underage. We don’t hire anyone under sixteen, though. Are you sixteen?” At least he acknowledged that it was disgusting.

“Yes. But why does it matter to you? Why are you here?”

“I’m here to make you an offer. How would you like to stop whoring on the streets and switch to an actual building with a bed? We will give you a place to live, we will feed you, and we will clothe you. And we have security to keep you safe. All you have to do is exactly what you’re doing now.”

That sounded...that sounded amazing. I didn’t exactly like what I was doing, but I didn’t hate it either. I would rather have a real job but keeping up with this wouldn’t be so bad. And I would have everything I needed, too. Real food and a place to live. And I would be safe. I have to admit, every time I step outside I can’t help feeling afraid. For the first time in ages I could be relatively safe. It sounded like the best thing that could possibly happen to me. But it was too perfect. “What’s the catch?”

“Well, obviously we would be taking a cut from your pay. We will be taking about ninety percent of what is charged for your services.” Holy fucking shit, that’s almost all of it. “But of course a portion of that will be what is used to pay for your needs. You will be well provided for as long as you work for us. What you get will be extra money that you can do whatever you want with.”

Truthfully, that sounds like a pretty good deal. It wasn’t like all of it was being taken and I could have to use whatever I had for food and stuff. It would pay for what I needed, and probably for security and whatever else might be necessary. It sounded good. “Is that it?”

“Well, unfortunately you can’t be a prostitute if all you can do is suck dick.” He almost looked sorry, but I could tell that he wasn’t. “You will have to have sex with customers. Condoms are an absolute necessity, though. We make sure of that. And we do regularly pay for tests to be done on you, just to be safe.”

It wasn’t like I was a virgin. I had had sex with my boyfriend a couple times and I quite liked that. I knew this wouldn’t be like that, though. They wouldn’t care at all if I liked it. They’d probably be more like dad. Some of them maybe worse. But still, there would be security. It would probably hurt a lot but maybe it could be okay. “Wouldn’t that hurt? Cause I’m a boy and…”

“You’ll stretch yourself out before any appointments. That’s what we suggest anyway, to avoid tearing. And also, you need to be tested out first, to make sure that you’re fit for our customers.”

“What do you mean test me out?”

“Well, I won’t need to test your oral skills. Based on the business you’ve picked up you’re good at that. But I need to test anal. So I will fuck you.” He was far too nonchalant about that. “This will be the only time this will happen, I don’t sleep with my employees after this one time. Think of it as an interview.”

I didn’t really know how I felt about that. But I guess if it was only once. I could deal with that. “But can I leave? I don’t want to be a prostitute forever. I want a real job and I’d like to finish school eventually.”

“Of course. We are not a gang, we’re a business. You can leave when you want to. Of course, you can’t tell the police or anyone else that can get us shut down while you’re with us or once you leave, because there will be consequences for that. Of course we would prefer that you wait to leave us until we’ve found someone to replace you, but that won’t ever take much time. So yes, you are free to leave whenever you choose.”

It sounded far too good to be true. “So let me get this straight. You will provide for me and I can leave whenever I want and all I have to do is fuck people.”

“Yes. Like I said, we are not a gang. We are a business. And a business won’t be successful if their employees are unhappy. So what do you say? Will you come work for me?”

“Does that car have automatic locks?” If it does, that would be mean that I couldn’t escape if I had to.

“No, you can jump into traffic if you want.” That was odly reassuring.

“Okay. Then I’ll go. But I will leave in a while. Maybe a few months.”

“Fine, get in the car. You’ve got shotgun.”

I did. I got in the car right beside him. There was a guy whom I’m assuming was some sort of security in a back seat. He smiled warmly at me so I didn’t feel quite as afraid, but I still kept a hand on the door handle so I could jump out in case anything happened.

We soon arrived at the building. It was in a rather upscale neighborhood. It was a large place. Not quite a mansion but still very large. Could do a whole lot of business in there.

We approached the door and I noticed that there was a slot in the door, sort of like an old speakeasy. It opened as soon as we were outside. All I could see was a pair of intimidating eyes. “What is your business?”

“It’s me, Jason. I’ve got the new boy with me.”

The slot was quickly closed and the door was opened to reveal another security guy. “So you actually got him.”

“Yeah. This is...I’m sorry darling, I never asked for your name.”

“Louis. I’m Louis. Can I know yours?”

“Carl. This is Chris” He gestured to the man who had been in the car with us. “And this is Jason” The man who opened the door for us. “They are our security here. They make sure that no one gets in that will do any real harm, that they don’t bring anything in that can hurt anyone, and if anyone does anything that isn’t allowed you will call and they will get rid of the customer. Now, this would be a good time for a bit of a tour, yes? You’ll also be needing to meet everyone else.”

He led me through most of the house. The front room was basically a sort of check in place for customers. On the main floor there was also a kitchen and a dining room. It all looked very nice and expensive but also quite comfortable. He then took me upstairs. “The rooms up here serve two purposes. You will sleep in here but you will also conduct business in here. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to that soon. And your room will be cleaned and the bedding will be changed everyday after we close for the night so it will be very clean to sleep in. That will be done by our cleaning staff.” Damn. A cleaning staff. This place must make a load of money to afford that.

This one here” he gestured to a room with a number five on the door. “Is your room.” He opened the door to reveal the nicest room I have seen in my life. It was large and yet cozy and was tastefully decorated “We don’t have cameras in here or anything so you don’t have to worry about anyone spying on you. Cameras are just outside. But they can hear you if you need help. And if you are honestly too scared to shout, we have a button right here.” He had me look behind the bedside table. There was a big red button there. “If you press that they will know that it is a real emergency and they will help immediately. So really, this place is extremely safe so there is no need to fear. Oh, and that light there” he pointed to a little red looking light on the ceiling. “Will go off when a customer is one their way up. You’ll always have at least ten minutes between customers so keep an eye on that light.” At least I won’t have to worry about not having breaks or warnings. “Come, it’s time for you to meet everyone else.”

He led me back downstairs and then down another staircase into the basement. It looked like some sort of entertainment room or lounge with a couple plush looking couches and a tv. There was also six girls and three boys down there. They all looked fairly young, the oldest being maybe twenty five and the youngest being probably a year or two older than me. They were all absolutely gorgeous. I couldn’t help feeling out of place. “Louis, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Louis. He’s going to be working here with you. Why don’t you get to know each other? And Louis. we’ll be doing your test in half an hour in your room, so I’d suggest going up there early to get yourself ready. There’s stuff in the bedside table drawer. I’ll see you soon.”

He left me downstairs with these nine people. “Come over here, darling.” One of the girls said, moving over and patting the now free seat beside here. “We all spend a lot of time together, we should all get to know each other.”

I obliged, squeezing myself in between the tall blonde girl and a boy with light brown hair and excellent cheek bones. The boy with the cheekbones looked at me with a bit of a smirk. “So you’re the one who stole my customers.”

Shit shit shit. I took his money. I made him lose business. He’s got to be pissed. “I didn’t mean to steal anything, I swear. I just needed money.”

He started laughing. The fuck? “Relax, Louis. My throat was happy for the break. But you’re pretty new to the business, huh?”

“Yeah. Just moved here about a month and a half ago. Started a couple weeks after I got here.”

“So why did you move here if you didn’t have any money?”

“Didn’t plan it. Just needed to leave.”

“How old are you darling?” The blonde girl asked, showing obvious concern.

“I’m sixteen.”

“Shit. Your daddy fuck you too?”

“What?” How could she figure it out that fast when no one I knew ever did?

“No sixteen year old as shy as you fucks people for money unless someone hurt them first.”

I suppose that must be true. This isn’t exactly the career path you dream of when you’re ten. “Well, yeah. Started two years after my mom died. He’s an insane alcoholic now. Couldn’t take it anymore after six months.”

“Well, he can’t get you here. Even if he somehow finds you he won’t be able to get to you.”

“Thanks for that. I was kind of, like, scared when I was on the street, yeah? Cause no one would stop him if he found me.”

“You don’t have to be scared here. So, is there anything you need or want to know? Cause if all goes well with your test you’ll start working tomorrow.” The seemingly sugary sweet girl asked.

“What is the test, anyway? I mean, I know he’s gonna fuck me. But what is he testing for?”

Cheekbone boy answered. “Well, he’s really just testing to see if you can take it. Cause most of our customers won’t be gentle. So you’re allowed to stop him, but if you do you can’t work here. Cause if you say no to a customer, the business, and you, lose money so you need that to happen as rarely as you possibly can.”

“So...he just fucks me normally?”

“Yeah. Just to see if you can handle a customer. He won’t touch you after that. He respects us, yeah?” He almost looked unsure about that statement. “Just cause we fuck people doesn’t mean he’s allowed to fuck us.”

“And he said...he said I could leave. Whenever I want. Is that really true?”

He nodded. “Of course. This isn’t a prison or a gang. You don’t even have to pay to leave. But once you leave you can’t come back so make sure you’ve got a lot saved up.”

“Okay, well, thanks for the advice. I guess I should go upstairs now, huh?”

They all nodded. I found it odd that it was only these two who were talking to me, maybe it’s just because they were the closest in proximity to me. I guess I’ll be getting to know everyone else pretty quickly since we’ll be living together. Maybe I’ll actually learn their names tomorrow. Blondie nodded. “Yeah, make sure to prep yourself really well, okay? To be honest he’s got a huge dick so if you’re not stretched it will hurt.”

Cheekbones added with concern “You know how to do that, yeah? If you don’t, not to be weird or anything, but one of us could help you out.”

I haven’t fingered myself in like a year, but I think I’ll be okay. And I don’t really want to have to be naked around people that I have to see everyday. Not yet, anyway. “I’ve got it. Thanks for all your help, I guess I’ll see you all tomorrow.”

I left them and went upstairs to my room. I did find a whole lot of lube and condoms right where Carl said they would be and I set to work. I stripped myself down quickly and I tried to take my time prepping myself, but I didn’t have much to spare. I had only been using three fingers for a minute or so when there was a knock on my door. I was fairly hard at that point but not yet leaking. I guess it would have to do. I nervously allowed him entry. He was clothed and smiling when he came in and closed the door. 

He was all business at first, despite the fact that I was naked and stretched out on the bed in front of him. “You ready, Louis?” I nodded. “Well, I’m going to do my best to talk you through everything. This is going to be pretty similar to what customers will be doing with you so I’m just trying to make sure that you’ll be ready. Are you okay with that?” I nodded again. Well, basically what’s going to happen is that I’m going to fuck you and then you’re going to ride me for a little while. And remember, this is about the customer so it usually doesn’t matter if you cum or not. Are you ready to start?” I nodded. 

“Okay. It’s good that you’re already naked and hard, customers will like that. When the customer comes in they will tell you what they want and then you will begin to do that. You can help the customer stip or they can do it themselves, whatever the customer wants. I’m doing this myself. You get on your hands and knees.”

I did as he asked, facing towards the headboard. I heard the drawer open beside me and the crinkle of a condom being opened up. Before long I felt the bed dip behind me with his weight. “You already stretched yourself, yes?” I nodded. “Good boy. You’ll probably want to do that in the morning after breakfast. Are you ready?”

He pushed in quickly and didn’t give me anytime to bottom out. It hurt like hell, I wish I had prepped myself better. But customers won’t give a shit how I feel, so why should he? It certainly didn’t feel good, but I could deal with it. For a bed and food and people to protect me I could deal with it. “You’re doing good, Louis. You’re still insanely tight so you could have stretched yourself more if you wanted to.” 

That was good to know. Maybe it won’t hurt that much next time. “Some customers will want you to be vocal, okay? So do your best to at least fake a couple moans. You don’t have to do that now, customers will let you know what they want.” He sped up and I couldn’t help but let out little breathy sounds as the air was practically knocked out of me. “Yeah, that’s great.”

He kept fucking into me hard and fast for another minute or two before he started to slow down. “I’m gonna pull out now. I want you to ride me. Have you ever rode anyone before?” I shook my head. I’d hardly done any of this sort of stuff before. “That’s alright, it’s not hard. Just gives your thighs a workout.”

He pulled out and got off of me. We changed positions so that he was lying down and I was above him. I lined myself up and sunk down on his dick. I somehow managed to get him even deeper than he was when he was fucking me. I swiveled my hips a little to get a feel for things before I started properly moving. I think I liked this a little more so far than being fucked cause I could probably control this a little more. I kept bouncing up and down until I faltered as I managed to find my prostate. I cried out a little as I continued to hit it. “Now, shit, s-some people want to control this too.” I could tell that he was getting really close to cumming. “They might just fuck up into you and hold you there.”

He didn’t take long until he was cumming in me. Despite the condom I could feel it a little. And thanks to me being able to control things I came too. When he had finished I pulled off of him with a little whimper. “Shit, good boy. Customers will love you. We’ll be able to charge a lot for you and that ass of yours.” He recovered quickly. He stood up and tied off his condom, tossing it in the bin before putting his clothes back on. I took tissues from the box atop my bedside table and did my best to clean myself up. “There’s a bathroom right in there..” He pointed to one of the two doors in the room. The other must be a closet. “You can clean yourself up in there. Have a nice hot shower, or a bath if you want. I’ll have someone bring you up something to eat, you must be starving.” 

I nodded, picking my clothes back on and putting them on. “I...I forgot. My things are still in my room at the motel. I need that stuff.”

“Okay, I’ll send Chris to pick your things up. They’ll be here by morning. I’m sure one of the other boys will have something you can borrow for tonight. Breakfast is at seven tomorrow morning. We open at eight.”

“What about lunch and supper?” I hadn’t had either on a schedule since I came to London, but now that I can eat I’d like the option

“You get an hour long lunch break at noon and then you’ll have supper after we close at nine. That’s why everyone was downstairs when you got here, cause we were closed already.”

“Okay, thank you.”

I went into the bathroom and closed the door behind me. There wasn’t a lock on the door. There also wasn’t one on my bedroom door, now that I think about it. I suppose it’s a safety thing. The bathroom was fully stocked with nice smelling products, thank god. I haven’t been properly clean in weeks since I’ve been trying to make those little hotel shampoos last as long as I possibly could so I only took a quick shower every two or three days. and I haven’t washed my clothes in weeks either so I probably smelled like shit.

Maybe five minutes or so into my shower when I was scrubbing at my scalp a knock came at my door. “Hey, Louis.” I recognized the voice of that of the boy with the cheekbones. “I’ve got clothes for you to borrow.”

“Thanks, mate.”

I heard the door open and I guess he set the clothes down on the counter. But he didn’t leave. “No problem. You okay? Feeling alright?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I’ll be fine with doing that a few times a day.” He still didn’t leave. Thank god the shower curtain is totally opaque. “No offence, mate, but I’m kind of naked in here.”

I heard him chuckle. “Sorry, I forget sometimes that this isn’t normal to see everyone you live with naked so often. Hell, I’ve done a threesomes with everyone here at least once. By customer request, of course.”

“Do...do I have to do that?”

“Nah, probably not. Nor for a good while, at least. You’re a kid. Things are a bit more relaxed when you’re underage.”

“How old are you?”

“Eighteen. Been here since I was seventeen though, so I know how it is for you.”

“What is it really like to work here? Like, honestly.” I paused my washing as I waited for his answer.

“Well, I’ve only been here a year. Others have been here longer. So I haven’t even experienced everything yet. Most of my customers are pretty gentle. But sometimes you get really bad ones. Ones who get off on hurting people. I’m not the one they give to kinky people so I haven’t really had much bad stuff. But I’ve been hit a few times. When you’re a prostitute it happens, even in a high class place like this. That’s why there’s so much security. Don’t be afraid to use it, okay? Unless you agree to being spanked or for things to be really rough, they can’t do it. But like...unfortunately once you agree to it you have to just let it happen. Just try to tune everything out and you’ll be okay.”

“So...someone’s probably going to hurt me?”

I could hear him sigh. “Yeah. I’m not gonna lie, probably. You can always ban a customer once they leave but yeah. In general it’s safe. Most people understand that they won’t be allowed to come back if they do something they’re not allowed to so you really shouldn’t be afraid.”

“Okay, well, thanks for that. Not like I could leave, even if I wanted to. This is the only place I can be.”

“Same for all of us. No one really wants to be a prostitute. It just happens. Just keep your head up and remember that someday you won’t have a dick go near you for money ever again. Anyway,I’ll let you get back to your shower. I’ll see you in the morning.”

I knew he was gone when the door was closed.

That was the minute it really hit me, when everything that people have told me really all sunk in. What the fuck have I gotten myself in to?


	2. Chapter 2

That brings me to where I am today. Nearly five years later. I’m twenty one now. And guess where I work? That’s right, the exact same place I worked when I came here. I am still a prostitute.

I remember that first day as a working boy better than most days of my life. I was so scared. I was heavily advertised, I guess, because I always had a new client in fifteen minutes after the last one left. I sucked dicks, got fucked, and rode dicks all day. I was thankful that the dining room chairs had such thick cushions because my ass hurt so bad. But it was okay. I didn’t mind it. And as I understood, I was the most expensive fuck there since I was still underage. So I made a lot of money even though I only got ten percent of profits.

I saved nearly all the money I received. There ended up being a lot that I had to provide for myself, but I saved all I could. I’m fairly sure that I’m bringing in a reasonable income. And as an added bonus, I get a day off now instead of working seven days a week. I chose Sundays. I spent most of those days just soaking up the sun since I was cooped up for the rest of the week.

Once I turned eighteen things weren’t quite as decent. They couldn’t charge as much for me since I was now legal so I wasn’t saving up money as fast. I wanted out of here as soon as I possibly could. I wanted to do my A-levels and go to uni. I wanted a apartment and friends who were normal and not people I regularly saw naked in a sexual nature. Don’t get me wrong, I like these people. They’re my friends. Cheekbone guy, who’s name is James, is actually my best friend here. To be honest I don’t like these people as much as I cared for my boys, but they’re still great. They understood.

Anyway, I didn’t want to be here forever. I wanted to get out when I was still young and I could go to uni without it being weird. So if I wanted to leave I needed to make more money. So I found a way. The boy who used to be used by kinky people had just left and someone had to take his place. So I did. I became the boy who got tied up, blindfolded, gagged, had dildos and vibrators shoved up my ass, and was spanked and hit. I was the sex toy boy. This stuff cost a lot extra. People like what they like and will pay a lot to do it. Unfortunately it still doesn’t seem that I’m receiving nearly what I should for the work I do. But there is nothing I can do about that.

Most of the time, my chosen position is fine. It certainly wasn’t as easy to deal with as this was when I was underage. Something was usually sore and I am always covered with welts and bruises, but I could deal with that. I can deal with feeling like a sex doll.

But sometimes...sometimes I wish I was a way out because god, would I have used it. Sometimes I used the safety system provided. But sometimes that wasn’t a thing I could do. One time a guy whipped me with his belt for half an hour straight. By this time, security was used to me screaming. I had to actually yell help for them to come. So my screams didn’t stop anything because I couldn’t get any words out. They found me an hour later, unable to move from the pain.

Another time a guy made certain I couldn’t stop him. It wasn’t abnormal for my senses to be cut off by people. I was often tied up, gagged, and blindfolded at the same time and they could just fuck me. Another guy did more than that. He took two dildos and shoved them up my as without any sort of warning. And that was it. I think he just stayed in there and watched me. Security had to stitch my ass up because it was so badly torn. 

And another guy...somehow he snuck a pocket knife in. He carved me up like a roast chicken. And those three are just a few of the customers who have put me out of work for days.

I hate them. I hate them all. They are disgusting people and they should all burn in hell. They know that they are hurting me badly but they don’t give a shit. And the worst thing that happens to them is that they’re banned from this place because we can’t go to the police.

I hate everything about this place, and yet I stay. I don’t have a choice. Just one more year and I will be okay. One more year of this and I’ll be able to afford to live by myself happily and safely, even if i can’t get a job for a couple months. One more year of this and I will never have to have sex again if that’s what I decide I want.

Today is my day off. I slept in nearly a good five hours as a treat to myself. I plan to just sit at the park and relax, like I do every Sunday. I like to people watch. Just to for once see how normal people act. So free and happy, though I don’t know anything about these people. Half of them could be clients of other prostitutes and I wouldn’t know the difference.

After a couple hours at the park I decide that I could use a cup of tea. I wasn’t really hungry, I never was anymore, so I didn’t need food. But tea. I always need tea, especially on cool fall days like today. I walked for a while until I found a small cafe that I’ve been to a couple times in the past. I prefer to mix up where I go, just to get as many atmosphere changes as I can with the little time I’m allowed outside. I like this one, though. Small and quiet. Exactly what I don’t have at home. I stood in line for a couple minutes before it was my turn and I could approach the till. I wasn’t really looking at the guy, still looking up at the menu to see what teas they had. “Hi, can I take your order....Louis?”

My gaze immediately snapped down to his face. No one gets to know my name. None of my clients know it and the only people who know my name outside of my co-workers are the couple co-workers who have left. It took me a couple seconds to realize who he was. And when I did I was shocked. I thought that I’d never see him again. Liam. “Louis, is that you? Please tell me it’s you.”

It took me a second to pull myself together enough to stammer out an answer. “I-it’s me.”

He took in a deep breath of air. “Oh my god, I didn’t think I’d ever get to see you again. I can’t believe it’s you. We’d all given up on ever seeing you again. What are you doing here?”

“I came here right when I left. What are you doing here?”

He looked both overwhelmed and extremely excited. “We go to uni here. Are you telling me that we’ve lived near each other for two years and we only found each other now?”

“I-I guess so. What do you mean we?”

“We’re all here. Zayn, Harry, Niall and I.”

All of them. All of the people I cared about are here. And I never even knew. “Oh my god.”

“Yeah...shit.” He looked around us, probably realizing where we are and that we are not alone. “I’m...I’m working now. Can’t catch up right now. But I’ve got my break in like, twenty minutes. Is there any chance you can stay?”

It’s not like I have anywhere I have to be. And I wouldn’t pass up the chance to just talk to him for the world. “Of course.”

“Great, well, I’m gonna put your order in. Do you still like yorkshire tea?” I nodded. “Great, well, it’s on the house. Best friend discount.” Thank god, he still considers us to be friends. “It’ll be ready in a minute and then you go grab a table and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

I did just as he asked. I didn’t even need to specify how I wanted my tea. He had it exactly right. When I say that the five of us are best friends I really mean it. Good enough friends to know how we all took our tea.

I waited for however long he he needed. God I just...I had resigned myself to never seeing the four people I loved most in this world ever again. I had thought that it would be worth it to not have to be raped everyday. Sometimes I question that because while I have friends, they’re necessity friends. I wouldn’t go near any of them if they weren’t the only people I had normalish contact with. But these guys...we were all the new kid at one point or another within about a year of each other so despite our difference in age we banded together.

Liam came over when it was finally time for his break and he sat down in the other seat of the booth I was in. We kind of just stared at each other for a couple minutes before we even started talking. “God, we thought we’d never see you again. If I’m being honest, we were all pretty sure that you were probably dead cause we were so sure that you would have contacted us by now.”

I wanted to. I thought about it everyday. But I knew that they wouldn’t want me the way I am now. And they were all still there up until a year or two ago. If I had contacted them I would have had to go back. “I’m...I’m really sorry. I know you won’t get it, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t have anything that would bring me back there. And I don’t have a phone and…”

He cut me off before I continued getting myself all worked up. “It’s okay, I get it. When a person runs away they don’t want to have to look back, right? We just weren’t absolutely sure that you had actually ran away, you know? We were fairly sure, but we thought if you had you would have left a note.”

“I know. I wanted to, but I couldn’t go to your places to leave notes and I knew that dad would probably never even look for one. And I just had to get out of there as fast as I could, before he got home or I lost the courage. Besides, if I had left a note I probably wouldn’t have made the train I took here so I never would have come to London and we really never would have seen each other again.”

He shrugged. He may get what I’m saying, but not what I mean. At least, not completely. “I guess, yeah. That makes sense. We never stopped hoping. You know how they say that there are seven people who look exactly like you in the world?” I didn’t. I didn’t have internet so… “I swear, we’ve found all of yours. Just last month we found another one and Niall was about to start hugging the guy before he realized it wasn’t you.”

That just about broke my heart. I knew that they had cared about me, but I thought that they would move on. Forget about me. But the fact that they had never given up on looking for me meant so much. “I didn’t think any of you would come here. I mean, it makes sense that you would leave for uni. But I didn’t think you’d ever come here. Or at least that we wouldn’t see each other. I mean, you could meet a couple new people every day in London and never run out of people.”

“Yeah, that’s true. Look, I get it if you don’t want to see me. You obviously left for a reason.”

“No, of course I want to see you. I’ve missed you guys so much, honest I did. You are not the reason I left. You guys are the only reason I would have wanted to stay.”

“Then...why did you leave?”

This was the part that I hoped he wouldn’t ask. But of course he would. Anyone would ask that. I have never really talked about this properly, but I think that Liam deserves an explanation. “Well, you remember how a while after mum died I stopped letting you guys over? And I started spending pretty much every day with one of you?”

“Yeah, of course. We had all always wondered about that. It worried us a lot.”

“Yeah, I know. Well, it’s cause of dad. After mum died he became an alcoholic and he just wasn’t a good guy anymore.”

“We know about the alcohol. He was arrested a couple years after you left. He was drunk driving and hit a car. No one died, but he seriously hurt a couple people.” Oh god. I knew that would happen one day. He had driven drunk before but nothing bad had happened. I suppose it was only a matter of time. “But you said he wasn’t a good guy. What did he do to you?” I stalled. “Did he hit you?” I shook my head. No, he didn’t. He yelled at me all the time and he fucked me everyday but he never hit me. “But he hurt you, didn’t he?” I nodded. God, yes. Just thinking about it hurt. “Louis…” He lowered his voice so that it was all but a whisper. “Louis did he rape you?”

I nodded. I had blink a few times to stop myself from crying. I try not to think about it much, but every single time I do I start crying. “Oh god, Lou. If we had known…”

“I know, you would have tried to stop it. There wasn’t any evidence. There never was.”

“But you could have come to us. You could have lived with any of us.”

 

“I know, that’s why I had to leave. I couldn’t burden you guys like that.” He opened his mouth to respond but I stopped him. “You don’t get it, I was and still am really fucked up and you guys were normal. You deserved to be happy and I would have taken that away from you. But all that is in the past. We are here and we are safe and that’s all that matters.”

“Are you...you are safe, yeah?”

“Yes, I am. And you guys are all okay?”

“Yeah. We’re all okay. So what are you doing now? Are you in school?”

“No, um, I actually wasn’t able to go back to school after I left. I didn’t have much money so I had to start working right away.”

“What do you do?”

“Sort of odd jobs.” Well, my job certainly was odd. “Hard work but it pays decently enough.”

“It’s good that you’ve got a job though.”

“Yeah, really thankful for it.” Not really. “So you’re in uni?”

“Yeah. It’s good. Lots of homework. We all live together so that kind of helps with the stress.”

That was our dream when we were younger. To leave the small town and all get a place together. It’s nice to know that they got to do that. “Wow, that’s great.”

“Yeah. Listen, I really want to keep talking to you. God, this feels like it’s a dream. Like you’re not even real. But I need to get back to work. Do you think we can meet up again?”

I nodded enthusiastically. “Of course. But like...I Sundays are my only day off. And like I said, I don’t have a phone…”

“Don’t worry about that. Do you think that maybe you’d want come around to our apartment  
next Sunday? Maybe around noon?”

“Wouldn’t miss it for the world. Just give me the address and I’ll be there.”

He grabbed a napkin from the napkin dispenser and a pen from his apron and wrote down his address and apartment number. “Great. So I’ll see you in a week.” He was about to turn to leave, but he faltered. “This is going to sound weird, but can I please take your picture? It’ just...I don’t think any of them will really be able to believe it without proof first. I mean, you look different than you did five years ago obviously, but you still look like Louis. So please?” I nodded. This was the first picture being taken of me since before I left. He held up his phone to take a picture and I smiled in a way that I suppose sort of looks like how I smiled five years ago. “Thank you. Do you...can I hug you? Please?”

Even if I didn’t want to hug him I couldn’t possibly turn down that look. We stood and hugged each other as tightly as we possibly could. “I missed you, Li. So much.”

“Missed you, Lou. Nothing has felt right since you left.”

“I know. Same for me. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

It should have felt strange to hug someone in the back of a cafe with people watching me when my eyes were filling up with tears, but it wasn’t. It was the best thing I have felt in years. It was over far too soon. “Well, I guess I’ll let you get back to work. I’ll be there. I swear, I will be there.”

“I know. I’ll see you. See you in a week.”

“Bye, Li. See you.”

I walked out. As happy as I was, if I had stayed there for even another few seconds more I would start crying and crying isn’t something I’ve done in front of people for years.

I don’t even know how I’m supposed to feel. Just...for five fucking years I was completely alone. Even before that when they were still with me I was alone. There were people there who cared about me. People were around me and we talked and we joked and we were friends but it wasn’t the same because we didn’t have a choice cause if we didn’t make ourselves friends we wouldn’t be able to pretend that we were okay.

Now they’re here. Now the people who made me feel like I belonged in this world are here with me again. And every single thing in this world is just as shitty as it was two hours ago, but it is shitty with people who love me. I mean, they don’t know me. I’m nothing like I was when we were together. But as far as they know they still love me and nothing has ever felt more okay.

***

I can’t...that doesn’t even feel real. I remember five years ago we woke up and called him and there was no answer. We figured that maybe he was upset or had slept in because that actually happened a lot. He was always okay by maybe one or two in the afternoon. So I waited and then called him and he still didn’t answer.

It turns out that he had left his phone in his room. His dad was passed out on the couch when we went over to check on him. He didn’t answer the door. It was unlocked so we just walked in. The place looked like shit. Broken glass, bottles everywhere, and the stench of stale beer.

In the cafe I told Louis that we found out when he hit that car. He did hit a car and he did nearly kill a family. But we knew before that. We knew the second we walked in there.

His room, unlike the rest of the house, was totally clean. drawers were open and disturbed, but that was about as messy as it got. Nothing valuable was gone. His phone was still here and it looked like the only things missing were some clothes, his backpack, and a picture of his mum that he keeps on his bedside table. Nothing else was disturbed so it looked like he left because he wanted to. 

Obviously our next step was to call the police. He counted as a kid so they sent out search parties right away. His dad didn’t give a shit so of course he was brought in for questioning. Nothing came out of that, bastard was probably passed out and didn’t even notice his own son leave.

Search parties finally found out that he had gone to the train station. The woman who sold him the ticket was tracked down (she had gone home since her shift had finished hours before) and she said that he bought a ticket for London. She said that she remembered him because he looked so sad.

So that was it. They sent word to London but no one ever called in to say that he had been seen there. Unfortunately if you don’t push and push and push, cases just fall to the bottom of the pile. It’s no one’s fault, it just happens when you don’t have enough resources in the department. And we didn’t.

So Louis was just...gone.

You know those puzzles that have like five thousand tiny pieces? And they are just so damn gorgeous and have so much detail. But then you lose one single piece. Then, no matter how big and perfect that huge puzzle is you can’t help but keep staring at that one missing piece and no matter how hard you try to forget it it’s still there and you can’t forget. That little piece is like Louis. You can’t forget Louis, no matter how perfect the rest of your life is.

But now here I am and I’m walking home and I just saw and hugged Louis for the first time in five years and now that tiny piece has been found and I feel...whole. I feel perfect as I could possibly be.

I assumed that the boys were all doing homework when I got home. They always are at this time and they will be until Niall’s shift at that old bar starts in three hours. After he leaves everyone will still be doing homework because we are all lazy and we save our homework for sundays. Today I disrupted that routine. “Boys! Get in here! I’ve got something to tell you!”

The three of them came in slowly from the two bedrooms, bags under their eyes and looking tired despite the fact that it was five o’clock. “Fuck is it, Li?” Niall asked in his typical fashion. “I’ve got a paper due in the morning.”

“I know, but this is probably the most important thing to ever happen so you’ll really want to hear it.”

“Did someone die?” Harry asked slightly sarcastically.

“No, cause that would be sad. This is not sad. This is the opposite. This is the furthest thing from sad that could happen.”

“Liam...don’t say that. You can’t say stuff like that cause you know what we’re gonna think.”

“I know exactly what you’re thinking, Zayn. You are thinking that I found Louis. And you had better keep thinking that. Cause it’s true. I saw him. I talked to him. I...I hugged him. Louis is alive and he is here in London and he is okay.”

And suddenly it was like the sky and opened up like light was shining for the first time by the way their eyes widened. “He’s alive? He’s here?” Harry started to stand up. “Where is he?”

“I...I don’t know exactly right now. He was at the cafe today. That’s where I saw him. But they weren’t letting me stay on my break any longer so he left.”

“But when can we see him?”

“One week. He says he works every day but Sundays so he’s coming here next Sunday around noon. He promised.” Harry looked like he was right close to tears. “Do you want to see a picture?”

I didn’t bother waiting for answers, knowing exactly what they would say. I just grabbed my phone and pulled up the picture. I told Louis that they wouldn’t believe me if I didn’t have a picture, but that was obviously a lie. They believe me. I just needed something to prove to us that it just wasn’t a dream.

I showed it to them and then they all were crying. “Oh my god, that’s him.” Niall voice shook as he gripped the phone with whitening knuckles. “That’s actually him. He’s alive.”

Zayn had sort of retreated into himself as he often does with such shocking news as he stared at the picture. But Harry...Harry looked like his sobs were shattering him as he held himself, holding himself together. “He’s so beautiful.”

“Yeah. He is. And he’s real and we’re gonna see him again in a week.”

“F-five years and he just...shows up. We were so close for so long and he just...stumbles into the cafe.”

“I know. He was just as surprised as I was.”

“How is he?” Zayn asked, snapping out of whatever daze he was in. “What’s he like?”

“Different, obviously. I mean, five years is a long time. We’re a lot different than we were when we were fifteen, too. But I don’t know. I guess...he’s shy, sort of. He used to be so outgoing but he was like, quiet and he stuttered a lot and stuff like that. But he’s still Louis. He missed us too.”

“Then why did he leave?”

And that, Harry, is exactly what I didn’t want to be asked. Of course I knew it would be. We’d wondered since he left. We all sort of thought it was because of the alcohol but we were never sure. “It’s not good. Like, worse than we thought. He didn’t want to tell me but I got it out of him. It was his dad. His dad abused him. He didn’t hit him but he abused him.”

“He raped him. Didn’t he?”

Of course Niall would be the only one of us who could say it. He’s stronger that way. “Yeah. He didn’t tell me anything about it. But yeah, his dad hurt him. Hurt him really bad.”

“Is he happy?” Harry asked, tears still pouring down his face. “Like, I know you don’t know everything. But does he seem happy?”

I thought about how to respond. “I...I don’t know. He says he’s okay and he says that he’s safe but I...no. I don’t think he’s happy. I mean, he says that he’s been working everyday pretty much. Just Sundays off. He hasn’t even been able to go back to school. I kind of doubt that he’s got any good friends if he spends his one day off alone in a cafe. But that doesn’t matter anymore. What matters now is that we found him and he’s safe and he’s going to be here in a few hours less than seven days. And he is not going to be alone anymore cause he has us.”

And that’s what matters. We looked for years and now we’ve found him and he is safe and he is alive and he isn’t alone and neither are we. No matter how he’s changed, he still has us and we love him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Figured I might as well post this now, since the rest of my week is going to be too busy. Let me know what you think so far!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	3. Chapter 3

A week later I found myself in Elizabeth’s room as she covered up the bite marks and bruises all over my neck. I swear, when this girl is actually able to get out of here she should be a makeup artist. Not only was she excellent with makeup, but she wasn’t one to ask questions unless you were the one to bring it up. So asking her for her help with this won’t bring me any trouble. Making friends outside isn’t exactly supported just because of negative reactions.

Finding a place in London without gps or a map is pretty damn difficult, so I left a good hour before I was supposed to so that I would have time to find it. Luckily it was very close to the university so it wasn’t that hard to find, it just took me a while to get there. I was there just a couple minutes after noon. Liam did say to come around noon so I hoped that I wasn’t being too rude by not being here at exactly noon on the dot.

It took me a minute to work up the courage to knock on the door but finally I did. The slight bit of noise on the other side of the door stopped completely. I could hear a couple muffled voices inside and then a couple steps. I held my breath as the door was opened. The door quickly swung open to reveal a very tall boy with beautiful flowing hair and pure green eyes and sun kissed skin. After a second of staring at eachother I realized that it was Harry. My Harry. The boy I met when he was eight and I was ten and has always been the sweetest and most beautiful person in the world. “Harry?”

“Oh my god, it’s you. It’s really you. You’re real.”

After that realization he immediately swooped down and pulled me into his arms. “It’s me. I’m here. I’m here, Hazza.” I whispered into his ear, using a nickname I gave him when he was ten, and rubbing his back in an attempt to sooth him.

“I know you missed him Harry, but we did too.” I heard from behind Harry in a heavy Irish accent that I remembered so well. “I’d like a hug too.”

After another couple more seconds Harry’s arms loosened and the hug broke off. Then from behind Harry there was another familiar voice. “God, I never thought I’d hear that voice again.”

I practically flung myself at Niall, thank god he caught me cause that might have not gone very well. He pulled away after a couple of minutes, but he didn’t let go of me. Just held me so we could look at each other. “Look at you, Niall! You haven’t changed a bit.”

“Can’t really say the same for you. You used to look like a little pixie thing. You almost look like an actual man now.”

I suppose I do. This type of work hardens you. “Well I should hope so. Five years, mate.”

“I know. Missed you.”

“Missed you too.”

He gave one last squeeze and pulled away. And then there was Zayn. Actual model Zayn who was standing patiently, waiting his turn. He was always gorgeous, everyone knew that. But like fine wine, he’s gotten better with age. “Zayn. Zayn Malik. I didn’t think I’d ever see my partner in crime again.”

He hugged me, almost tighter than the others. “You left.” His voice was shaking.

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“I know. Just...thank you for coming back.”

I pulled away. “It wasn’t because of you. If you guys weren’t there for me I would have left way before. I just...I couldn’t stay there anymore. Dad was…”

“We know.” Zayn’s voice stayed soft, but he was loud enough that the others could hear. “Um, Liam told us about what he did to you. I’m so sorry we didn’t figure it out. I didn’t figure it out.”

“You weren’t supposed to know. I didn’t tell you. And that’s not your fault. Are you all listening?” I turned so that I was talking to all of them. They all needed to hear it cause I knew that they blamed themselves. “It was not your fault. It was a secret. My secret. You couldn’t have known because I was good at keeping secrets. I really am sorry I left. But I didn’t have a choice. Or, well, I didn’t think I did. Looking back at it I wish I had, honestly. I was just really scared and I didn’t know what to do so...I left. But I’m here now and if you’d let me, I’d really like to be your friend again.”

At that point we were all crying a little bit, no matter how hard I was trying not to. I gestured for them all to come and hug me and they did. My first group hug in five years. And the second day I’ve been hugged at all in five years. Pretty significant, if you ask me.

“I love you guys”

“We love you too, Lou.” Liam said into my ear.

We finally all pulled apart. “I’m not...I’m not the same as I was five years ago. You guys know that, right?”

“No one is the same at twenty one as they are at sixteen. We know that. Besides. we’re probably not the exact same either.” Niall said with a slight almost laugh. “But we still love you and we want you to be happy.”

“I don’t think I’ve been this happy for a long time, so you’re already helping.” I let myself sniffle one last time before wiping my eyes. “Now, enough with the sappy stuff. We have got a lot of catching up to do.”

Liam took the lead and went over to the couch and we of course all followed. It was pretty obvious that this couch was only meant for four people, not five. So I was pressed very tightly in between Harry and Zayn so that I was nearly in their laps. After a second I guess Harry decided that it wasn’t the best arrangement so Harry pulled me so that I was now actually in Harry’s lap with his arms around my waist. I didn’t really mind. This was definitely just a friendly gesture intended to make me comfortable. This is platonic. This is okay.

“So what have you guys been up to? Liam says you’re all in college. But what else? I want to know everything I’ve missed.”

“Well,” Niall started “I’m studying music.”

“Still playing guitar?”

“Oh yeah, that’s pretty much all I do. Been working on some piano too.”

“Nice. You’ve got to play more me sometime. I miss that.” He used to play when we were just hanging out. It was soothing. “What about the rest of you?”

“I’m studying to be an english teacher.” Zayn commented.

“They gonna let you teach with all those tats?” I asked with a smirk.

He shruged. “Just need long sleeves and I’m set. Did you ever get any? You used to talk about ones you wanted.”

They don’t let us have tattoos at work and we can’t exactly wear clothes of any sort to cover up. No tattoos for me until I can leave. “No, not yet. Maybe someday.” I took another look at his arms and noticed something else. “Wait, did you actually get zap on you? That’s sick, man.”

“I know, right?” Zap was a kind of a joke the two of us had when we were younger. Mostly because we were both big comic book fans. I can’t believe he actually got that. “Sounds kind of stupid now, but I wanted something to remind me of you.”

And that was the absolutely most heart touching thing that has ever been said to me. “That really means alot to me, Zayn.”

He sort of just smiled and gave my shoulder a nice squeeze as a reply, which I was happy for. Zayn has always been great at knowing how a person is feeling and I was glad for it. I think he could tell that today is really overwhelming for me so I was glad that we didn’t continue that talk, even though I do absolutely love the tattoo and what it meant for the two of us.

Harry was probably seeing how I was feeling as well as he tightened his grip around my waist. That was okay.

“What about you, Liam? Unless you’re gonna work at that cafe forever.”

“I’m doing music technology.”

“Sick, mate. So do you want to be like a dj or what?”

“Music producer, actually. More the behind the scenes stuff.”

“Cool, mate. If you work with Beyonce you’d better let me know.”

He chuckled. “You’ve got it.”

“Harry?”

“Pre-law.”

“Really? Things really have changed since I’ve been gone.” He wanted to be a baker when we were young. Bit of a difference between law and baking.

“Yeah, well, you know. I was only fourteen when we last saw each other.”

That was a bit of a hit. I felt him shift underneath me. “Very true.”

“I just, like, want to help people, you know? Figured the justice system was as good a way to go about it as any.”

“That’s really noble of you.”

“Thanks.”

“So what else? How are things back…” I didn’t want to say home because it wasn’t my home anymore, but I didn’t know what else to refer to that place as.

Luckily, Liam got it. “Things are alright. All our families are doing good. Not a whole lot has changed there.”

“So, um, wh-what about my dad? He’s in jail?”

I felt Harry nod behind me “Arrested two years ago. He’s got two more to go.”

That didn’t feel like enough. Only four years for everything he did. But at least he was being punished for something. Not what I wished he could be punished for, but at least he couldn’t hurt anyone else in there. “Oh. Okay.”

“Do you ever think about pressing charges for…”

I didn’t let him finish. Of course I think about it. I think about it all the time. Everyday. If I could have pressed charges none of this stuff would have happened. “No. It’s too late. There wasn’t any evidence then and there’s even less now. It would just be a story. Nothing would happen so it isn’t really worth it. Besides, I don’t think he can get to anyone else. He’s just an old drunk now.”

“Okay. We won’t make you do anything about it. But if you ever want to, we’ll be behind you.”

It meant a lot. But I really can’t do that. For all I know a lawyer or the judge or a jury member could very well be a client of mine. No one will believe that a prostitute could be raped. Especially not a male prostitute. “Thanks, um, I’ll remember that. But can we just not talk about that any more? I don’t really want to talk about that.”

“So what about you, then?” Zayn asked. “What have you been doing?”

And of course this was another thing I couldn’t tell them. Another lie. “I’ve been working. Just making a living doing whatever my boss wants me to do.”

It wasn’t a lie. I do everything people tell me to do. “So Liam says that...that you didn’t get to go back to school.”

“No, um, it was really hard for me to get a job. No one wanted to hire a sixteen year old drop out, you know? So I take what I can get. I’m saving up right now so maybe in a year or so I’ll be able to afford to just work part time so I can go to school.”

“You still want to do theatre?”

“Um, I don’t know. I haven’t done anything with theatre since I left. To be honest I haven’t thought about it all that much. I mean, I’ve got a couple years left before I need to start applying for unis.”

After that the conversation just...kept going. We sat there for hours and talked about everything and anything. I was quiet I suppose, I couldn’t talk about most things in the last few years. I mostly just listened to them and recounted memories of our pasts together. At some point Niall ordered a couple pizzas and we all pigged out. I’m not really supposed to eat pizza or anything else so fattening, but today is Sunday. My day off. I can eat as much as i want.

Conversation soon drifted towards new topics. “So, Lou, still gay then?” Niall asked in a rather blunt way that might feel insulting from anyone else, but from Niall it lacked any trace of malice.

“Yeah, gay as ever.” I said with a little snort at the end. “Don’t think that usually changes. Haven’t dated since I left, though.”

“Why not? Surely there’s lots of interested guys in London.”

The problem wasn’t that there isn’t anyone interested in me. There obviously are. I’ve got lots of regulars. It just...it’s not the right kind of interest. Not the relationship type of interest, that’s for sure. And then there’s the sex aspect. I know it’s weird considering that sex is all I do all day. But there’s a big difference between sex for money and relationship sex. If someone pays you for sex they might think you’re attractive, but that’s about it. Mostly you’re just a warm hole that they can do anything they want to. But relationship sex is so different. They want sex with you because you’re you. Most of the time the first thing you do together is not sex. They might think about sex because most people will date people they think are attractive. But you don’t have sex within minutes of meeting. You talk first. You introduce yourself and you talk about yourself and then you have sex. And they see you at your most vulnerable and you still have to see and talk to them after like you’re a normal person and not a person who just did something so dirty.

Besides, who would ever want to date a prostitute. No one. “I don’t really have the time to date.” Of course that was true, and it was the most appropriate answer I could give them. But it wasn’t the entire reason. “What about you guys? Seeing anyone.”

Liam chuckled softly before answering. “Well, actually Niall and I are.”

Good to hear that they’ve both found someone. “Oh yeah? Who?” Obviously I wouldn’t know them but I’d like to hear about them still.

And Niall just laughed as Liam reached to put his hand on Niall’s upper thigh. “Niall and I are dating each other. We’re boyfriends.”

And if that wasn’t the most unexpected thing I’ve ever heard I don’t know what would be. Liam had dated a girl rather seriously (if you can call any relationships between fifteen year olds serious) before I left. And while Niall didn’t ever date, he wasn’t quiet about his love for boobs and crushes he had on girls. As far as I had known they were straight and had never shown any attraction towards each other. And now they’re dating? “Oh well...congratz. I’m really happy for you.”

“Thanks, mate.”

“How long have you been together?”

“Officially, nearly a year.”

“No offence but...I thought you guys were straight. How did you get together?”

Niall laughed for a second before responding. “We thought we were straight too.”

“Actually, I didn’t think I was completely straight. That was just you”

Niall gave a nod in recognition of the statement. “True. Anyway, we were at a party last summer back home and Liam was really drunk. Like, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him drink so much ever. Anyway, he sort of seduced a guy…”

“I did not seduce him! He seduced me!”

“Fine, but that doesn’t actually matter. Someone seduced somone and then Liam fucked the guy. I found out when he came downstairs and smelled like sex and I was pissed. Realized I was pissed cause I was jealous. There was tension for a couple months, then we had a fight over something I can’t remember, and I basically jumped him. The rest is history.”

What a...romantic story. Well, not romantic at all. But it fits them. “Well that’s one way for it to happen. Wait, so, are there just a whole lot more gay guys back home now? Cause when I left the only guy was Danny, and I dated him.”

“Well…” He gave a shrug and an awkward little smile.

“Oh my god, you fucked Danny?” I asked in a bit of shock.

He looked horribly guilty about it. “I’m really sorry, mate. I honestly wasn’t thinking about him and you. I was really drunk.”

“I know, I’m not mad. I only dated him because he was the only other gay guy I knew and I wanted to date someone. The thing that I’m actually shocked about is that you fucked him. He said bottoming was girly so he never let me top.”

“Well, you know, people change.”

And we moved on and conversation kept going and we had more pizza and before I knew it, it was ten. I stood up from Harry’s lap, where I had been sitting off and on for the past ten hours. I had been sort of passed around to the other boys laps (I certainly didn’t mind the feeling of comfort that arms wrapped around me brought) but I was always passed back to Harry and he didn’t seem to mind all that much. “I’d really like to stay, but I work really early tomorrow. I’d better get going.”

Harry quickly stood up as well. “Let me drive you. Where do you live?”

“No!” I said all too loud and quickly. They all looked more than a bit taken aback at my reaction. “I mean, I really don’t live far away. Besides, I could use the walk.”

Harry looked a bit hesitant, but after a couple silent seconds, he nodded. “Okay, well, be careful, okay? Can we see you again sometime soon?”

I nodded. “I’m free same time next week. Could we do something then? It just can’t be at my place. I live with a lot of people so it would be better for everyone if no one invites people over.” Actually, no one is allowed to invite anyone over unless they’re paying.

Zayn was the first to respond. “Okay. Maybe just our place then? Same time?”

“Yeah, that sounds great.” They all stood up and I hugged each of them tightly. “I’ll see you guys next week, okay? I love you.”

“We love you too.” Harry said into my neck as he hugged me. 

And so I left.

As I walked down the stairs, out of the building, and down the street, always looking over my shoulder just to be safe. I was so happy I felt like singing and crying and dancing all at the same time. They still liked me. They still cared about me enough to want to see me again next week.

I wasn’t sure how long it would last. I wasn’t sure how long I could keep my secret. I wasn’t sure what they would do once they find out, because inevitably they will. You can’t exactly keep six days a week of your life a secret forever. They’ll either be okay with it or not and I don’t look forward to knowing which one each of them will pick.

But right now I have friends. Real friends.

Don’t get me wrong, the people at the whore house are all my friends. But we are friends because of one thing that brings us together. Prostitution. Yes, we talk. But no one wants to talk about our lives before we got here. No one becomes a prostitute if they have a perfect life so talking about it is painful for all of us. 

Some of us talk about our futures. Some of us have plans for the rest of our lives. Some of us don’t care what we do once we’re out, we just want out. Others are content to be prostitutes for the foreseeable future. The last category is just people who have been here for a maximum of two years, after a while everyone gets sick of it. 

 

Depending on the person we might have something to say about our days off and the people we see or whatever else happens when we’re not stuck here.

Mostly what we end up talking about is our clients. We talk about the guys with the wedding bands and tiny penises. We talk about the strange things we’re asked to do. And if we’re injured, we’ll sometimes talk about what made the wounds appear. Or we don’t. We don’t have much else to say because all of lives are is our clients. All we are is a big group of fucked up prostitutes and that’s basically all we ever will be.

But now I have my boys. And we talked about our memories and what we’ve done in the last few years and we talk about what we want to do and everything in between. We laugh and we joke but we also talk about painful stuff and they are comforting to be around. They care about me.

I am scared that that will change. Not just because of my job, just in general because people change and sometimes they just don’t fit together so perfectly together. But right now we fit. And we are perfect. And I am happy.

***

He was here. He was here. And he is real. And he is alive. And he is safe. And he is the most beautiful person I have seen in my life.

After he left we all just sort of went into a group hug. We were all crying out of joy.

I can’t believe that he was actually here. I can’t believe that Liam and him found each other, by complete chance. And that he agreed to come and see all of us. And that he is even more wonderful than he was when I last spoke to him.

I saw him that day. The very day he left. We were hanging out and he seemed okay that day. I can’t help but blame myself. We were best friends. Not just that, but I was with him just hours before he left and I didn’t notice a single thing. He seemed perfectly happy. I wish I had, I don’t know, asked him about how he was doing. Or asked him about his dad. Or that I could have just called or texted him that night. I could have stopped him from leaving. If I hadn’t been so stupid I could have figured it out. He could have stayed. If he needed away from his dad he could have come and stayed with me. I would have protected him.

But I was barely fourteen and I was unobservant and I was so so fucking stupid. I didn’t notice and so I didn’t do anything. It was my fault he left.

Now he’s here and he still loves us and we’ll see him again in just a week. I’ve waited five years. One week more is all I have to wait until he’ll be right here again.

I guess I was pretty selfish while he was here. This couch could probably fit all of us if we really squeezed. But I wanted to hold him as close and long as possible. So I kept him on my lap for most of the time he was here, aside from maybe an hour or two when he was passed between the other boys. He didn’t seem to mind. He leant back against my chest and mostly kept his head in the crook of my neck and had his hands over my arms that held him. At least I hoped he didn’t mind because I didn’t let him go willingly.

He didn’t seem...I don’t know, as fucked up as he could have been, if that makes any sense. He was different than he was. But living more or less alone and working all the time for five years isn’t healthy for anyone, let alone a person who was raped. He was quiet mostly. and he did stutter quite a lot. I could tell that he was holding some stuff back. I didn’t know what, but it was something. Something that felt significant.

But whatever he wasn’t telling us didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was here. And that he will be here again next week.

And god, he is so beautiful. He’s so small and his smile is bright and he fits perfectly against me and his voice is high pitched and yet it’s still absolutely perfect.

I shouldn’t be as attracted to him as I am. Because he is our friend and that’s all he would need me to be for him. Besides, he says he doesn’t really want to date right now. So I will respect that and I will do my best to not even think about making a move. Because he is my friend and my friend is more than enough for me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lighter chapter for once! Well, sort of.
> 
> Anyway, hope you liked it!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	4. Chapter 4

A week later I was in the same position on Elizabeth’s bed, having my bruising covered up. I still had fading bruises from last week, but there were also a couple new ones on my neck. Another client did something that wasn’t allowed. He was apparently interested in breath play and had absolutely no idea how it worked. For one thing he had me on my stomach so he couldn’t even see my face. For another thing he had my hands tied so I couldn’t fight back. Obviously when I passed out I suppose he figured out that he should stop. But based on the extra pain in my ass he fucked me before he left. At least he was nice enough to send someone up to check on my as he was leaving.

Oh well, it’s over. It happened. That sort of thing happens. I do mind the bruises, long finger shaped ones on my neck. Elizabeth did an excellent job covering them up, so it really didn’t matter. As long as the boys didn’t see them, they didn’t matter.

Today I was feeling rather good. Great, even. A bit sore, but still great. Walking took about the same amount of time as it did the week before. I knew the route now, but I was sort of waddling so it took far longer to cover the distance. 

They were waiting for me when I got there. I was pulled into individual hugs first. First Zayn, then Niall, Liam, and finally Harry. Harry’s hug lasted the longest, holding me tight and almost swaying side to side. I suppose the other boys thought that it had been the two of us for long enough so they joined in and turned it into a group hug. One we broke apart we moved to the couch. I decided that it would be for the best to not sit in someone’s lap today. When I say that my ass hurts I really mean it. Sitting on a plush surface is bad enough, I can’t do a firmer lap, especially one that will inevitably move. The couch is a much better option. “So how’s your week been?” Harry asked.

“Not bad. Bit sore from work, but it was fine.”

In reality, it wasn’t a good week at all. It was actually one of the worst, thanks to breath play guy. But I wasn’t about to tell them that. “What do you do, again?”

“Um, different stuff.” Which was true. “Mostly manual labor and stuff like that.” Also true. “Hard work, but it’s a good job.” Not true at all. I mean, it is hard. But it isn’t anything close to nice. “Anyway, how were your weeks?”

They told me. Mostly it was about school, since that takes up most of their time. Even though the new semester just started three weeks ago, they’ve already got some exams coming up that they’re studying for. Then Niall told a story about this bachelorette party there was at the bar he works at on Friday night. Apparently they were all so drunk that they were flirting with him all night. Apparently they had been trying to drag him on top of the bar to dance. He thought it was hilarious. Liam didn’t so much. He more thought that it was rather disrespectful of the ladies, touching and trying to seduce him while he was working. But neither were actually that upset about it, Liam certainly wasn’t angry with Niall. So everything was fine.

This day was a lot like last week, just us talking and eating a good load. It was fun. We played some video games as well. I haven’t played a video game since I left so I obviously sucked, even though I think they were all going easy on me. But eventually I figured things out and I didn’t do too horribly. I still lost, but not as badly as I could have.

This week was even more fun than last week, just because today was less about catching up and me getting to know them again and more about us just hanging out and having fun. Of course I didn’t know everything about them yet. And they didn’t know me completely. But I knew them well enough to know that we are good friends who genuinely care about each other and that is more than enough.

The next two weeks were very similar. We just hung out like normal friends. They were very tactile people so I really had to get used to all the touching. Like, they were always touching someone. Be it a hand somewhere, knees touching, arms around each other, or a foot gently touching an ankle or something. It was always gentle and well meant and seemingly no ulterior motives behind any of the touches. It was nice, just strange.

I guess that Harry was the touchiest. If one of the other three wasn’t touching me in some way Harry always was. Even if one of them was touching he probably was too. I certainly didn’t mind that. Harry is definitely extremely attractive and he was also so kind and sweet. The attention was flattering and I liked him.

Today, the fifth day I’ve gone over to see them, was like every other time we’ve hung out together. We watched a movie, which was nice since I’ve pretty much been watching the same twenty movies since I came to London. It was nice. It was calm and it was relaxing and nice after a rough week. Elizabeth had her work cut out for her this week. And I had sort of woken up late today so she had to rush so that I wouldn’t be late.

So anyway, we were all sitting quite cozy together on the couch with a huge bowl of popcorn on the table. About twenty minutes ago Harry had lifted me up into his lap, though I didn’t protest at all. And a couple minutes ago he had sort of moved his hand just under my shirt so that he could rub his thumb in tiny little circles over my hip. Which was totally fine. Until it wasn’t.

I had forgotten about the bruises on my hips. They were a couple days old so they didn’t hurt much. I had a guy who liked spanking except he didn’t like hitting my ass. He liked to grab my hips and then smack them. Is it still called spanking if it isn’t on your ass? I don’t actually know. He really wasn’t a bad guy. He’s nearly at the point of being a regular, actually.

But anyway, even though the bruises weren’t bad, any bruises would hurt if you press into them at all. And Harry did. He pressed just slightly too hard and I couldn’t help but wince and whimper which unfortunately took the notice of everyone. “Louis are you...” Harry asked but I didn’t let him finish.

“I’m fine. Just a little sore from work.”

“Are you sure cause…” Harry looked down at where he had just touched and ever so slowly he used the hand that was already under my shirt to lift it up just enough to see what was underneath in that exact spot. Before I could see the bruise I knew was there I shut my eyes tight and held my breath. “Louis. Why do you have a hand shaped bruise on your hip?”

I didn’t know how to answer that. I didn’t have a cover story worked out already like I did for pretty much any other question they could possibly ask. But right now I was stuck and I was really scared and everyone was looking at me.

“Louis, can you please tell us?”

And I still didn’t know what to say. It’s obviously a handprint. It has five fingers and a palm. It was a hand and there was no way I could lie about that. Still, I tried. “It’s not a hand.”

“Yes it is. Please tell me what it’s from before I’m sure it’s from what is what I’m thinking.”

“Wh-what are you thinking?”

“You know exactly what I’m thinking Louis. Is someone hurting you?”

I shook my head as fast as I could. “No. No it’s not like that. No one has done that since dad.”

“Then what is it? Where else do you get a bruise like that if no one is hurting you?”

I shook my head. At this point I felt like crying. In fact I think a tear or two slipped out. “It’s not like that, I promise. It was just...it was just some fun, okay? I wanted it.”

I didn’t. I didn’t want it. I don’t want it. But they needed to stop asking. They can’t ask me stuff like that. They can’t they can’t they can’t. “So it was...it was like, a sex thing?” And to hear it like that. I did not like that. I did not want it to be said like that. But yeah. It was sex. It happened during sex. It was a sex thing. So I nodded. “Okay, um, I’m sorry I pushed you. That’s a private thing so you don’t have to talk about it. Just wanted to make sure you weren’t being...abused by anyone again.”

And god, now they must think I’m such a freak. I was abused and now they’re going to think that I liked it cause they think I like being hit. “It’s okay.” No it’s not. “You were just trying to help. But, um, I-I think I should go. It’s getting late.” No it isn’t. It’s only seven. “I think I should get going.”

So I left without another word, or I tried to. I only got about three steps out the door before Harry grabbed my hand to stop me. “It’s okay, Louis. You’re okay. We...we don’t think any less of you, okay? It’s not weird. A, um, a lot of people like that sort of thing. It’s totally normal as long as long as there’s consent. Nothing is wrong with you, okay? We still like you. I still care about you. If you still want to leave, you can. But will you come back again next week? We all really want you to.”

I nodded. It’s great that they don’t hate me, but after that I don’t feel right about staying here. Not while my sex life is fresh on their minds. “Okay, but I do need to go. I haven’t, like, slept very well the last few days.” I didn’t realize what that implied until I had already said it. He probably thinks that I’ve spent every night of the last few days having sex. Which, I mean, I guess I have. But I didn’t want him to know that. “I’ll be back next week.”

“Okay. Can I give you a ride home?”

He always asked that. He asked that every week. “No.”

He knew I would say that too. I always did. But still, for some reason he still always asked. “Okay. I’ll see you in a week.”

He turned around and went back into their apartment and I left. I cried myself to sleep that night.

But I still went back the next week. I was scared that it would be different and it was. Just not how I thought it would be. They weren’t there. Well, Harry was. But Liam, Niall, and Zayn weren’t. Apparently today was Liam and Niall’s anniversary. Today was the day that Liam officially asked Niall to be his boyfriend. They were going to tell me last week, but I freaked out before they could.

And Zayn was apparently assigned papers in three different classes and he also has a midterm tomorrow. He was swamped and decided that it would be a good idea to power through as much as he could today at the library, just as he apparently had yesterday. 

I didn’t blame them for not being here. An anniversary is a special occasion that should be celebrated. And school is extremely important and Zayn should be allowed to spend time working towards his goals, no matter how inconvenient the timing. I wasn’t mad. It was strange and a completely different dynamic when it was just Harry, but it was okay. I was just a little embarrassed to be with just Harry after last week.

I tried really hard to act normally and not flinch away. I did my best to just talk to him like I wasn’t hiding anything. And eventually after a couple hours we started talking about more personal stuff. Including what we had talked about before I left last week. “So, um, you had said that like, you weren’t dating right now, right? I nodded. “Well, I was just thinking about, um, the guy you’re, um, with.”

And that was just the most awkward thing he could have possibly brought up. “What about him?”

“So is that just, like, a casual kind of thing or…”

“No, um, I’ve...I’ve only seen him a couple times, okay? It’s a casual thing.”

“Okay. So, um, with that kind of thing isn’t that a thing that you, um, usually do with someone you trust? Like, the hitting thing?”

I nodded. “I did trust him. It’s fine, really. It’s just a thing that happens sometimes. I ask for it before he does it.”

And that’s true. He tells me to beg for it. And you always do what your customer tells you to do. “Oh. That’s good. So have you...seen him again?”

I shook my head. “No, haven’t seen him since. Don’t think I’ll be really seeing him again.”

I mean, I probably would. But I didn’t want Harry to think that that was a thing. That I was a slut who slept with people whenever they asked. I was. But that wasn’t something he needed to know.

He dropped the subject, maybe sensing how uncomfortable I was with it. Thank god because if he asked more about that I’d probably start crying or telling him something I shouldn’t. We decided to watch a movie. I told Harry to surprise me and he sure as hell did. He played Grease. Grease had been my favorite movie when I had known Harry before. It still was. I can’t believe that Harry remembered that. I hardly remembered that.

I guess remembering your favourite movie is sort of like riding a bike. It’s impossible to forget, even after so many years. Harry sort of encouraged a bit of a sing-a-long, like we used to do with this film when we were younger, by singing along in a ridiculous voice. And I did and so did he and it was fun and it was easy and it was comfortable until it wasn’t.

Through the movie Harry had been touching me through the entire movie. Just a knee touching mine at first. Then he moved closer and his thigh was pressed to mine. And then his arm was around my shoulders. And then our legs were tangled together. And then I was pulled to his chest and my head was leaning against his shoulder. And with every single new touch and movement I held my breath in fear of something going wrong but it was platonic and nice and I liked it so I kept breathing until the next one.

And then with the background sound of You’re The One That I Want on the screen Harry kissed me. And it felt goodgoodgoodgood so I kissed back just a little but then it was badbadbadbadbad and I was scaredscaredscaredscared. 

As soon as I could detangle myself from Harry I was running to the door and I almost made it. I had my hand on the door and had just barely started turning the knob when Harry grabbed my wrist and he was pulling me back into the room and I was done. I all but collapsed on the floor and backed myself into the corner. And then I realized that I was crying and god, that was even worse.

“Shit shit shit, I’m so sorry, Lou. I’m sorry. I read the signals wrong.”

But no no no no that was bad. You can’t do that. You can’t kiss me that’s bad. Kissing is bad. That’s against the rules. Where the hell is security? You can’t do that. You can’t kiss me ever never never never never never. I am not your slut. You can’t do that. You don’t get to do that.

“What? What rules? What security? What’s going on?” I didn’t even know that I had said it out loud. But it is. It is badbadbadbad. “Shit, you need to calm down. You’re breathing too fast, Louis. I think you’re having a panic attack. Have you had one before?” I don’t know. I don’t know. All I know is that it feels like I’m drowning. But that was bad. Badbadbadbad. You don’t get to do that. “I know, I’m sorry. Please, just breath. In and out slow, okay? Breathe with me, darling.”

I heard that and I understood because of course I feel like I’m underwater if I can’t get any air in. It makes sense, sort of. So I did my best to match Harry’s deep, slow breaths and it was hard and it hurt, but nothing else made sense except but Harry’s breaths.

And then I was still crying but I could see now and I could breathe and Harry was sitting by me and he was too close. I tried to increase space between us, but I was already pressed flush against the wall behind me. Noticing my struggling he lifted his hands in surrender and backed off just a couple of feet. “Are you okay now? Are you back?” I nodded. I’m here. “Okay, um, I’m just going to grab you some water really quick, okay?

And I nodded again. I didn’t really notice before because it’s not the kind of thing you notice when you’re choking, but I was parched. He came back in what felt like a century but also like half a second. “Can you talk to me now, Lou?” I nodded. “Okay, well, um, I’m really sorry. I should have known that you wouldn’t want to do that.”

“I did.”

“What?”

“I did.” I honestly did. I kissed back for a few seconds until I started thinking too much. “I wanted to.”

“Okay, well, okay. Then can you explain to me what just happened?” I shrugged. “I’m not going to be able to help you if you don’t talk. Panic attacks don’t just happen for no reason.”

I nodded. But I had no idea how to say this. “I kind of...I think I kind of, I don’t know, like you. I mean you’re really good looking and you’re really sweet and funny and nice. I like you.”

“I like you too. But, um, that doesn’t explain why you had such a problem with me kissing you. I mean, you’ve...you’ve had sex since you left and you don’t seem to have a problem with that.”

“Sex is different. I don’t kiss people.”

“Why not? Did...did your…”

I knew he was going to ask about dad. “No. He didn’t do that. Never.” And honestly I didn’t know why I had reacted like that. I liked kissing Harry. So why couldn’t I just kiss him like a normal person? “He did other stuff but he never tried to kiss me. Not on the lips, anyway.”

“Okay. But then I still don’t understand why that happened. It’s a thing that I’d like to know so I don’t cause that again. And when you were, like, out you were saying some stuff. About how it was against the rules. And that you needed security to come.”

I don’t even remember that. How could I let that slip. “I don’t remember saying that.”

“But do you know what it means?”

I shook my head. “No. Can we stop talking about this now?”

Actually, I did know. It’s against the rules for clients to kiss you. It’s not allowed. Not for anyone, no matter how much they pay to have you. A few have tried, but never succeeded. Security always came in time. It’s against the rules. They’re not allowed to do that.

“Okay, whatever you want. Do you want to stay or do you need to go home.”

I looked outside and it was still light outside. Too early to leave. “I’ll stay.”

We got halfway through another movie (I couldn’t focus enough to know what it was) before Harry paused it with a frustrated sigh. “We’ve got to talk about this, Louis.”

“I told you I don’t want to talk about that.”

“Not about that. You told me that you like me and I obviously like you too. I tried not to, but I do. That’s not the kind of thing we can ignore.”

“I’m sorry Harry, but we can’t date. I mean, you know that. I only see you guys once a week and I can’t fix that. And I can’t just ditch the boys every day I’m here so we can go on dates. They’re my friends and I only just got them back so I can’t do that to them. Even if we could go on dates I’m really fucked up about alcohol so we can’t go to clubs or bars ever. And we wouldn’t be able to move in together. I can’t leave the place I’m living in. It’s for work. And I can’t even kiss you, for fucks sake. We cannot date.”

“Just because we couldn’t date the normal way doesn’t mean we can’t date. I like you and you like we and I would like to date you so please let me.”

Harry just kind of has the sort of face that is impossible to say no to. Not with those eyes and that pout. I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. “Okay. We could try, I guess. But what would that be? Cause pretty much everything people who are dating do, we can’t.”

“I get that. I don’t blame you for that either. Okay? But do you know what we can do? We can cuddle right here, even if the boys are here. Sometimes the boys won’t be here, and on those nights we can go on dates. We could go out for dinner or to see a movie or anything, no alcohol involved. Or if we don’t want to go out, I can cook pretty damn well so I’ll cook for you and we can have a date here. And if you’d be comfortable with it I’d like to kiss you. And then when we’re alone I’d love to fuck you.”

He started to try and get on top of me. And that was just...no. “No. I can’t do that.”

“The kissing? But you said that you liked it before you started thinking too much. You don’t have to think, Lou. Just feel.”

He pressed his lips to the skin behind my ear. I pulled away as far as I could. “No. I can probably do kissing, but I can’t have sex with you.”

“But you’ve had…”

“I know what I’ve done. But I can’t do that with you. I can...I can get you off whenever you want. But you can’t touch me like that.”

He looked horribly confused “Okay, um, I can respect that. I won’t make you do stuff that you’re not comfortable with. But are you just seeing someone else?”

“No.” Lie. Big lie. I think I see minimum ten people a day, depending on their needs and the time they take. “I’m not seeing anyone.”

He’s going to hate me once he knows. “Good. That’s good. So what do you say? Do you want to give it a try?” I nodded. “Can I kiss you?”

I nodded again and then his lips were moulding to mine. And it felt so amazing. He kept it soft and gentle and he didn’t push me. But he did hold me so very gently, one hand on my cheek and the other resting on the small of my back, holding me close to his body. He didn’t ever try to deepen the kiss. It was sweet and our mouths were quite closed and never did he try to shove his tongue down my throat. I could tell that he was holding back, but at no point did he make his struggle obvious. He was respecting my boundaries and I was grateful.

We did nothing but kiss for who knows how long. We only took a breather for maybe a few seconds at a time. Other than that it was just lips on lips and innocent touching and it was the most perfect thing I’ve ever done. No one has ever been this gentle with me.

We didn’t stop until it was late and the door opened to reveal a very tired looking Zayn. I tried my best to jump away from Harry so that Zayn didn’t see, but I was too slow and it was too late. He saw us. I knew that they would know. Of course Harry would tell them. How could he not?

I wasn’t upset that he knew. I was upset that he saw. I was upset that he saw me like that. He probably thinks I’m such a slut. Fucking a guy one week and then kissing another the next. What’s wrong with me?

But then...he was laughing. He’s laughing at me. Why is he laughing? This is not funny! He cannot laugh! “We were wondering when you’d get together.” And then I guess my confusion was showing because I still didn’t know why he was acting like that. He’s not supposed to think it’s funny. He’s supposed to think it’s disgusting. I am disgusting. “C’mon. We all knew Harry liked you. He had a little crush on you since he was like, twelve.”

And that was just...okay. That’s new information. And then Harry was laughing too, very softly, and he was pulling me even closer to his chest and into his lap. “Sometimes childhood dreams do come true.”

That was...I don’t know how I feel about that. He’s so fucking casual about all of this. I don’t like it. Sex and intimacy isn’t something that should be talked about. Not with anyone outside the house. You just don’t. You keep it to yourself and you never talk to it with anyone who isn’t involved. Harry is breaking that rule right now.

“Well, I’ll give you two some privacy.” With a wink in our direction he left us and went into his room.

“Harry can you...can you not...um, talk about…”

“Talk about us?” I nodded. “Why?”

“I just...I don’t like people looking at me like that, okay? I know it’s weird and stupid but I just can’t do that.”

“So I can’t kiss you in front of them?”

“No.”

“Not even just like a really quick peck?” I shook my head. “Then we really do have to make the most out of our alone time.”

He leant down and kissed me again until I was breathless and pitch black outside. “Harry I need to go home now.”

One last quick peck. “Now that I’m your boyfriend, can I drive you home?”

As usual I shook my head and I walked out of the apartment.

Today was scary and confusing and strange and bad and perfect all rolled into one. I was still confused and scared. I don’t know why Harry would want me as his boyfriend if I won’t be able to act like his boyfriend. Probably a majorly stupid decision on his part. But I was happy because I like Harry and he is gentle with me and if I let myself stop thinking so much I enjoy kissing him. I really do enjoy being with him, however short our time together has to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little bit of a slow build, and then a whole lot of shit happens. Always a good way for a chapter to go :)
> 
> Comments are always appreciated, I'd love to know what you guys think
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for dubious consent in this chapter

One thing that no one thinks about with lifestyle of prostitution, is that the second people hear that you are a prostitute, they will automatically think that you are a disgusting slut who will fuck anyone. In my mind, for me at least, that is relatively true. I do have sex with anyone. But not everyone will have sex with me. People who seek prostitutes just want sex from a living person. But you can only ever have sex with people who pay for you.

If they’re just a normal person who looks for sex in the normal way they will think that you are diseased, dirty, and used. Even people who seek prostitutes often think the same, that’s why it’s okay for them to do what they do. Even if a person is kind and even if they like you they will take one look at all the marks and scars on your body that are just part of the territory and they will be disgusted.

So you see, I shouldn’t have sex with Harry. Even if I wasn’t already fucked up about sex, my body is disgusting and the second he sees me, he will never want to see me in any way again. No matter how sweet he is.

But like I said, I am fucked up. I am seriously fucked up and I know that. I know that I think about this sort of thing differently than the average person. But that is not my fault. I want to be normal. Harry is really attractive and yet I can hardly make out with him without having a panic attack. I can suck his dick better than he’s probably ever had and I have done so countless times (he’s very good at keeping quiet), but I can’t kiss him. He always asks if he can do something for me, but I can’t. I can’t deal with that.

And yet Harry still tries. It is now January and I’m twenty two and we’ve been dating for a few months, which means that we’ve spent fifteen days together. It’s been worked out with the boys that the two of us get one day a month alone together. The boys will be there for a couple hours when we first get there sometimes, but then we get the rest of the afternoon and the night to ourselves. The first night Harry cooked a delicious meal for me and we had a movie night, though we did tenderly kiss for most of the movie. The second one we went out for dinner to a nice restaurant. The third was another at home date, much like the first. Today is our fourth day. Harry told me that I didn’t need to dress up for what we’re doing but I still did my best to look nice for him.

Despite everything I think about sex and how much I hate it, Harry has been very patient with me. He hasn’t even tried to push my boundaries once. But I know he wants to. I can feel it in his clenched muscles and his little whines when we kiss. He wants to have sex. And he deserves it. As far as I know he hasn’t seen anyone else for the last four months, so that is a relatively long time for a nineteen year old sexual being to be deprived. So I’m going to give that to him.

God, am I ever terrified. I have so many scars and I’m so used he might get soft as soon as I take my top off. But I am going to try. Harry deserves that.

Elizabeth did her best to hide all of my bruises all over my body. I’m just praying that her setting spray will last long enough to get through this, or at least that Harry lets us fuck in the dark so that he can’t see. I was just glad that no one had tried to use a belt or a whip on me since that always leaves some nasty gashes that would be impossible to hide.

Zayn opened the door when I got there and quickly pulled me into a hug. I greeted Liam and Niall before making my way to Harry whom I promptly pecked on the lips. That obviously surprised him since I usually only allowed cheek kisses in front of the boys. But he didn’t seem to mind at all.

The boys only stayed for maybe an hour for lunch before they left to do whatever it is that they do for ten hours every four weeks. Harry and I just watched some shit telly for a couple hours before I decided that now was as good of a time as any. After all, Harry does have a date planned for us tonight.

So I kissed him. Usually, aside from the peck today, he initiates. Not today. And while he seemed pretty content to keep it pg, I wasn’t. So I brushed my tongue along his lip and with a tiny gasp of shock he let me in. Harry was the first person I’ve kissed since I was barely sixteen. And this is definitely the best kiss I have ever experienced in my life.

Even though Harry was so into this he still didn’t try to push. So I got over top of him and started rolling my hips experimentally against his. But then he pulled back and I was scared that he didn’t want that. He didn’t want me like that. “Louis...I thought you didn’t want that.”

“I want to.” I said as I dipped down to start kissing at his neck. “Please, I want you to fuck me.”

All signs of hesitation ended there. Before I even knew what was happening he picked me up by my upper thighs that were already on either side of him and carried me towards his bedroom. I’ve only been in here a couple times before. It was neat and put together but still a little bit quirky and it was exactly as you’d imagine his room to be. He laid me gently on his bed and went back to kissing me, now becoming the more dominant one as he roughly grinded down on me. And it felt surprisingly okay.

Then he was tugging on the hem of my shirt and it started to get real. Suddenly there was one last thing that I needed to do before this happened. “Harry, wait.” 

He stopped immediately, pulling himself off of me. “Did you change your mind?”

I shook my head because no, I still needed to do this. “No, I want to. But, um, I kind of have a lot of scars. Mostly on my back but I have a couple on my chest and legs. I just don’t want you to freak out about them. Just don’t even think about them, okay?” And then he looked almost sad. And that just wasn’t acceptable. He can’t pity me. I needed for him to not be looking at me like that. “Please, I really want to. I need you.”

That seemed to be enough for him. Or at least it was once I pulled my shirt off by myself because he got my jeans off and then he was just wetly mouthing along the thin fabric covering my dick. I think it felt pretty good. I mean, I’ve never gotten a blow job before so I don’t have anything to compare this small bit of touch to. But I think it felt good.

So far he wasn’t looking at me wrong, even though I was mostly bare. Maybe he was just distracting himself from the rest of my body using my dick.

But then that little fabric was pulled off of me as well and I was left completely bare underneath a fully clothed Harry. And that should have been hot. Or at least normal for me since that’s how my clients and I always first meet. But it wasn’t. It was intimidating. So I had no choice but to beg him to take his off too as I was practically paralyzed with fear so I couldn’t take anything off myself. He sort of chuckled low in my throat when he did that. “All you’ve gotta do is ask, darling. Was distracted looking at you.” The paralyzation was made worse by that comment. “You’re so fucking gorgeous.”

He’s either lying to make me feel better or he actually isn’t disgusted by me. He still likes me enough to want to go through with this. He quickly stood up to a place that I had an excellent view of him and he started stripping slowly, almost to the point of it being a show. Not that I minded. I’ve seen thousands of guys completely naked. But he was the most beautiful person I have ever seen with his hard abs, muscular arms, and thin, never ending legs. He is beautiful. And I think he’s probably got the prettiest dick is the world, though I already knew that since I’ve gotten him off a few times before. We were both already hard so it wasn’t too early at all for him to dig into his bedside table drawer and pull out a condom and a little bottle of lube.

This was what I was probably the most scared of, even more than him actually fucking me. When he’s fucking me I can pretend that this is normal sex that I would have, not sex with a person who knows me. But I haven’t been fingered by anyone else in five years. I stretch myself out every morning but no one else’s fingers have gone down there. I couldn’t help but wish that I had done this before I got here. Or that I would have been stretched out so well last night that it would have lasted. But that didn’t happen. I was as tight as ever and completely terrified.

I couldn’t do it. “Harry, stop.” But I didn’t want him to stop. Not completely. I needed to do this. “Let me do it.” This is a thing that people do, right? Some people get off by watching other people fuck themselves. I’ve had loads of them as proof. Hopefully Harry is one of them. By the way he went slack jawed I think he is. As he bent down to hand me the lube I kissed him gently. “Watch me.”

And he did. He settled himself at the other end of the bed and I did my best to give him a good view of my hole. I worked to give him as much of a show as I could, moaning obscenely as often as I could while still making it seem real. Like I was loving it.

I never took long to adjust anymore. At this point I could almost take a dick without any prep. Of course I still did it because stitches on your asshole hurt like hell and fuck up pretty much everything, but if I wanted to I could do it.

Harry was just watching me the entire time, switching from looking at my ass to my face so after a short while I had to close my eyes so that I couldn’t see him anymore. Before long I was ready so I told Harry. I just want to get this over with as soon as I possibly can.

Harry pushed in so slowly. Most guys just snap their hips and shove it right in me, but not Harry. Harry was gentle. Too gentle. “You can go harder.”

He was chuckling above me again. “Lou, I have had a crush on you since I was twelve. Let me savour this.”

I couldn't protest because Harry should get whatever he wants. And if that meant I was on the edge of having a panic attack the entire time because I couldn't picture Harry as just another client then so be it.

Harry was actually really good at this. After a couple thrusts he found my prostate and as soon as he heard the noise I made he sped up and hit that spot every single time.

I’m really good at fake moaning. I know that. But most of these moans were real and I wasn't expecting that. Even though I'm panicking on the inside, this still felt good and I was getting close and I could tell that Harry was too. “Fuck, Lou. M’close.”

“Me too.”

And now I did have to close my eyes as I came. I hate looking at my own cum. It's disgusting that I would do that just from something being in my ass. Harry worked himself and I guess myself through our orgasms before collapsing on top of me. “Mhm, Lou. You’re so good.”

“You too. So hot. Fucked me so good.”

I winced when Harry finally pulled out. Let's face it, Harry has a huge dick and the sex lasted alot longer than most guys do.

Harry kissed me hotly before getting up and leaving me in the bed. This I could do, the whole being left alone once the other guy finishes thing. But Harry came back. He kissed me again as he helped clean my own cum off of my chest. Then he left again. And again he came back and this time he pulled the covers over both of our naked bodies. Okay, I can do this. It's just like how we normally cuddle. Except we are both completely naked and he just had his dick in my ass. I rarely have guys who want to cuddle. It's just not something you do with a prostitute. But Harry wanted to cuddle, so I wasn't going to stop him.

“You okay?”

I nodded against his chest. “Yeah, that was so good.”

“For me too.”

I was waiting for Harry to get up and leave me there. But he didn't. He stayed for a couple hours. He fell asleep not too soon after we finished, but I never could. I can't sleep with other people in the room.

When the winter sun was just starting to set Harry woke up. “Morning, babe.”

I couldn't help but laugh at that. “It's only been a couple hours.”

“Really? Sleeping with you must have just left me really well rested.”

I didn't know how to reply to that so I didn't. I changed the subject. “Didn't you have plans to take me out tonight.”

“Yeah, if you're up for it. Sort of messed up your clothes and hair a little, I'm afraid.”

“I'm sure my clothes will be fine. Just need a couple minutes to fix my hair.”

“No, I still have clothes here from before my growth spurt. I'll have something that will fit you.”

He stood up in all his naked glory and went towards his dresser. He rummaged around for a couple minutes before pulling out some jeans and a tshirt. And then from another drawer he pulled out some pants for me. I could have worn mine without a problem, but if Harry wants me to wear then I will. I was a bit more discreet with my naked body than Harry was, turning to the wall as I changed while he was looking right at me while he dressed.

Harry’s old clothes almost fit me. I still had to roll up the sleeves and the bottom of his jeans, but they were okay. And somehow, even though he certainly hasn’t worn these in a good long while, they still smelled like him so that was nice.

My hair was an absolute mess. I didn't even notice how much Harry had been touching and grabbing at my hair until now. But after a couple minutes I managed to sort it out enough so that it didn't look like I just got fucked.

Harry brought me to a little diner that had absolutely delicious, though fattening, food. But since it was Sunday and I had just gotten a little bit of exercise I figured that I was okay to have dessert.

All through the meal Harry was looking at me differently than usual. I would have been stupid to think that it was adoration, but that’s exactly what it looked like. Even though he saw and felt and heard me he still likes me.

Once we were finished eating and had paid the bill Harry started giving me these eyes. A lustful look. “So what’s the plan now?”

“Well, I had been thinking that a walk in the park might be nice. But you’re probably too sore for that. Aren't you?”

Not really. Harry was very gentle with me. There was a little twinge of pain down there but I don’t think that has disappeared ever. My ass hurt before he fucked me and it still hurts after. Besides, I know that if we go back to the apartment Harry will want to go for another round and I did not want to one bit. “I think I'd be up for that, actually.”

He didn't really look that put out. The park was just across the street from the diner so with my hand in his we went towards it. It was a relatively cloudless night and the stars were beautiful. Harry held my gloved hand and it was sweet.

Until it wasn't.

I could hear the yelling from our right before I saw him. “Hey! Hey five! Get your pretty ass over here!”

I didn't know the man’s name. I didn't know any of their names because they never told me. But I recognized him. He could almost be considered a regular of mine, coming to see me every week or two. He likes spanking and vibrators. I tried to get Harry to speed up, but he didn't. He just looked at the man. “You working right now? I could use a good fuck.”

Harry’s hand loosened in mine, almost letting go. Well the cat’s out of the bag. “No, I don't work Sundays. Please leave me alone.”

The man just laughed “You sure, five? I’ve got cash on me, I could even give you a little extra if you come back to mine.”

“No. I don’t want to work right now.”

“Fine. five. But I’ll be there tomorrow for you.”

He left. But Harry is still here. He is looking down at me with I don't know what I'm his eyes. He started dragging me along towards the car. He shoved me into my seat and slammed the door, the loud noise startling me. He was silent the entire drive, pedal slammed down and his eyes fixed on the road. Every time I tried to speak he just glared at me. I don't know if he was angry or confused or disgusted and that scared me because I can always read people. I can always figure out that they want but right now I have no idea what he might be thinking.

In almost half the time it took for us to get to the diner we were back at his place and he drug me up the stairs and pulled me into his apartment and shoved me down on the couch. I knew, at this point, that he was angry. He looked like he wanted to hit me. “Who the fuck was that guy and why was he treating you like a prostitute?”

There's no way to say this gently. No way to explain it as a misunderstanding. He knew and I couldn't lie about it anymore. “He’s a client of mine. And I am one.”

I was waiting for him to beat me. It would be totally understandable if he wanted to. But he didn't. “Oh my god, I fucked a prostitute. What was this, huh? Was this just a joke to you? We were dating and you wouldn't fuck me but you went and fucked guys every day you weren't here? This is your job, huh? You fuck people for money? Do I owe you for earlier? What are you for a fuck, huh? Twenty quid? Fuck you, Louis. Fuck you. Get the fuck out of here, you little slut!”

What Harry wanted Harry got. So I left, forgetting about my clothes that were still rumpled on his bedroom floor. Angrily wiping away the tears that were falling down my cheek. It wasn't a joke to me. I like Harry. I like him a lot. But he’s right, I am a slut. I am a disgusting little slut. I fuck everyone who asks except for my boyfriend.

I shouldn't have ever come here when Liam asked me to. All I did was fuck everything up. I should have just stayed away. Let them keep their normal lives while I went home and fucked people like the filthy slut I am.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter, but a whole lot happened. And just a warning that there is a graphic scene near the beginning of the chapter of violence and what would be called, at the very least, dubious consent. Read with caution.
> 
> Let me know what you thought!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	6. Chapter 6

I didn't go back the next week. How could I? Harry didn't want me there. By now he’s probably told the boys and they will be at least as disgusted by me as Harry was.

I didn't go back the week after that. Or the week after that. I spent my days off in the whore house, sleeping as much as I could and rereading books I’ve read dozens of times. I used to be quite talkative with my fellow whores since there is nothing that they could judge me for. But now there was. I didn't mean to, but I made a fool out of my best friends in the world, especially Harry. I didn't deserve to talk.

I should have just told them. They could have decided whether they hated me for my job or not right when we were reunited instead of months later. This wasn't fair to them. I don't deserve to see them again.

I didn't mean for everything to happen. But it was my fault so I have to pay the price.

Today is not a good day. It was okay at first. Just normal clients. But about an hour before we were closed I had a member of security come in and tell me that I had been rented for the next two hours. This wasn't the first time that this has been done. I've been rented loads of times. All it means is that for the next two hours I am his and he didn't have to specify what it was that he wanted. He could have anything.

It was normal at first. Just normal sex. He fucked me and to finish him off I rode him. He had pretty good stamina, so half an hour was used up. An hour and a half left.

After that it was much less vanilla. He fucked me with a dildo for a few minutes to get me hard again. Then he tied me up so that my hands and ankles were tied to the same bedposts so that I was nearly folded in half and he gagged me. I could still see, but I quickly started to wish that I couldn't. The dildo was still in me when he started spanking me. And of course he was hitting so that every time he hit me, he hit the dildo too and having a dildo moving so roughly and bouncing around inside of you isn't pleasant when you don’t want it to happen.

But he wasn't done there. I guess his arm was tired from hitting me so he took his hand out of the equation so that he could hit me with something else. The whip. I was laying on my back so he couldn't hit me there like you normally would. So first he hit the back of my thighs that were up in the air. And then he hit my ass where the dildo was still shoved in me.and finally he went at my chest and my neck and my nipples and everything hurt and I was bleeding everywhere from the open wounds the whip left we with.

But he still wasn't done. I don't know where he got a ruler but he had one and he was hitting my dick with it so hard I thought he would break something, whether my dick broke or his ruler broke first I didn't know. But if he didn't stop something would.

Thank god he only hit me a couple times with that. But still, he wasn't done. He was done hitting me, but he wasn’t done with me. When he pulled out the dildo I thought he might have been done. But then a different unlubed dildo was shoved deep inside me. But it wasn't a dildo, it was a vibrator. One of the strongest I had in my box of toys. But that wasn’t all. He left me alone with it for a short while with it buzzing furiously in me. But then there was another. He shoved the second strongest vibrator in me and at that point I knew that I was bleeding a lot down there too. He left me like that for who knows how long. I couldn't turn my head thanks to the whip wounds on my neck, so I couldn’t look at the clock. I didn't know how long he had left but I hoped it wasn't long.

For the next I don't know how long he just stared at me. Sitting in the chair across from my bed he just smiled at me. God, I wish I could scream. But the bastard had gagged me so I was stuck staring at him and willing for him to get these things out of me. But he didn't, he just stared and lazily stroked his own cock.

But he still wasn't done. He stood up and at that point I shut my eyes. I can't watch this. I heard the crinkle of the condom and the sound of his pouring out a bit of lube.

I don't know what the point of fucking me was at this point. With the two vibrators in me there wasn't much of me too feel, and it surely couldn't be comfortable for him. But he did. He pushed in and I could feel my skin tearing even more. But he kept moaning as he fucked me and fucked me and fucked me.

I didn't realize that he had tricked me until he was cumming. He just crinkled the condom packet. He didn't tear it open and he didn't put one on. He fucked me without a condom.

Then he was done. He had the decency to untie and ungag me at least. I was too out of it to even try to scream. Then he kissed me. He kissed me so tenderly that I felt like I was about to be sick. And then he whispered into my ear “Goodnight, princess.”

I don’t remember much of what happened after that. I remember lying there for who knows how long. I remember dressing and shoving a whole lot of toilet paper in my pants to catch a bit of the blood. And I remember walking, but I don’t remember deciding where I was going. I just snuck out of the building and started walking.

I guess my body took over for my brain and led me to a place that I had always felt cared for and wanted. Their apartment. And before I realized what I was doing I had already used the rest of the strength I had to knock on their door. I could hear a whole lot of grumbling on the other side of the door and possibly someone running into some furniture. The door opened and it was Liam on the other side. “Louis? What are you doing here?”

And was the last thing I saw. I blacked out after that.

***  
I was awoken by some relatively soft knocks on the door. Curse my being such a light sleeper and having such excellent manners that I couldn’t ignore a knock at one in the morning. I quickly threw on some joggers. I managed to run into an end table on the way to the door in the dark, but I was still more pissed off about being woken up than the tiny bruise I might end up with. I had bigger ones from Niall from a couple hours ago, anyway.

I quickly turned on the lights before opening the door. I don’t know who I was expecting to be at the door. But I certainly wasn’t expecting who it was. It was Louis. A man who we had all been hoping would show up again.

But he didn’t look anything like I had ever seen him. He looked sick. I asked him what he was doing here. I had no idea why he would turn up here after four weeks of no contact at one in the morning. But my question wasn’t answered. His eyes rolled to the back of his head as he started to sway. I just barely managed to catch him before his head smacked against the floor. That’s when I noticed the blood. “Wake up! Wake up!” I shouted for the boys as I gently laid Louis down on the floor.

Zayn rushed out of his room like a madman, wielding a broom like some sort of weapon. “Fuck is it Li?”

“Call an ambulance! It’s Louis!”

He sprung into action, running back into his room and grabbing his phone before rushing to my side. “I need an ambulance at 249 Huget street. Apartment 327. My friend is, shit, he’s unconscious and he’s bleeding real bad. He paused. “I don’t know! Everywhere! There’s blood coming from everywhere! Please, tell them to hurry!”

I turned Louis’ head to the side. Just in case he was bleeding internally. I didn’t want him to choke on the blood that could come up. I was looking at him, trying to figure out where all the blood was coming from. And Zayn was right. He’s bleeding everywhere. He had a gaping cut across his throat. He was bleeding through his shirt and his jeans. And that’s when I noticed it. The puddle of blood pooling around his ass and the huge bloodstain all over the front of his pants. “Shit, Zayn. He’s losing a lot of blood. I think it’s coming from his anus.”

Of course I knew that. I’m a gay man who frequently engages in anal, but takes care to make sure that there is no bleeding. And I mean, if what Harry told us is true Louis is a prostitute so he probably has a lot of sex as well. But I don’t know how this much bleeding could be possible. “Fuck, please hurry. We think he’s bleeding internally.”

Niall chose that moment to finally leave our room, still sounding half asleep. I guess our frantic voices finally woke him. “What’s going on?”

“It’s Louis. He’s, fuck, he’s bleeding really bad.”

He went into panic mode along with us. “Did you apply pressure?”

“We can’t! He’s bleeding everywhere! Put it on one spot and the blood will come faster out of another!”

We were just panicking with no idea what to do to help him. I could hear sirens outside which means that they were coming. They just need to actually get up here first.

Harry came out of his room, already looking sick with worry. “I thought I was dreaming till I heard the sirens. Where is he? How much is he bleeding?”

The paramedics rushed in through the still open door and we all scrambled out of their way. They were cutting off his clothes and god, it was even worse than we thought. He had huge gashes just like the ones on his neck. They were large and gaping and certainly not from a knife but I didn’t know what else could cut you up that bad.

And the bruising. He had bruises all around the gashes too and his bum was nearly black with bruising and he even had such bad bruising on his penis that it looked like it was going to fall off.

Who could do that to a person? I mean, I know that people are never that good to prostitutes. It’s a lifestyle with a lot of risks. But what kind of person would do this to another person who had done nothing to them?

I ended up in the ambulance with him since I guess I knew the most, even though I have no idea what actually happened. Niall is following the ambulance in his car along with Harry and Zayn. Niall was the only one of us who could stay calm enough in this sort of a situation to drive without crashing.

I didn’t have much I could tell. Just his name, age, and that he is a prostitute. I also told them that if they could, they should try and do a rape kit. I know that with the blood coming out of him that they might not find anything. But someone did this to him. And if there was any bit that they could find to track down this bastard I wanted it found.

But that wasn’t the priority. He’s bleeding really bad, maybe for a long time too. With how tiny and frail he is it probably wouldn’t take much longer for him to bleed out.

I was left behind in the ambulance while they rushed him inside. I ran in after, but I wasn’t allowed to go where they were taking him. I think he’s going to surgery. At the very least he’ll need probably several hundred stitches, but before they take care of any exterior wounds, they need to take care of the internal stuff.

We all waited in the waiting room for hours without updates. It shouldn’t be taking nearly this long. He was conscious and talking before he got to us. And I know that he would have walked to our apartment so that shows that he was okay enough. It was just the time he was hurt before he got to us. He was fine.

We are not fine, though. No one has spoken a word in hours, I don’t think we’re capable of speech right now. Harry looks the worst, though. He had been pacing the small room for nearly an hour before he sat down and curled into himself, muttering something unintelligible every so often.

Finally, after nearly three hours, a doctor came through the door we’ve been staring at. “Louis Tomlinson?” We all rushed to her. “Are you family?”

“No.” I answered. “He doesn’t have any family. But we’re his friends.”

“He doesn’t have any emergency contacts. Is there anyone else that should be called? It’s against policy to tell anyone who isn’t family or an emergency contact.”

“No. He doesn’t have other friends and no one else is really close to him, as far as we know. Please, he came to us. He walked for who knows how long to get help from us.”

She looked reluctant as it was obviously the policy to only tell family. But after a minute, she gave in. “Okay. So when you were in the ambulance, you told the paramedics that Louis is a prostitute?”

“Yes, but we don’t know how long for.”

“Well, we did do a rape kit. He did engage in sexual intercourse recently and we were able to collect a sample, but we are waiting for Louis to wake up before the sample is tested for a match, though we are testing currently for sexually transmitted infections.”

“Okay, but, how is he? Is he okay?”

She retained her professional expression, but she still had something in her eyes showing that she was feeling for him. “It seems that Louis was beaten severely. He has severe bruising, a cracked rib, and multiple lacerations. The most severe being tearing to his rectum and anus. To be completely honest, he nearly bled out. If he didn’t get here when he did, he would have bled out.”

We knew it was bad. You don’t get puddles of blood if it isn’t bad. But we had all hoped that that wasn’t happening. Harry let out a dry sob and from the corner of his eye I saw Niall trying to comfort him. “So what’s it looking like for him now?”

“Well, we were able to stop the bleeding and successfully close all of his wounds. He needed over three hundred stitches.” Another sob. “Despite the blood loss, he will be fine in a few weeks. Because he had so many severe injuries it means that it is more likely that a suture could come out if he does not follow our instructions. Because of this we would like him to stay in the hospital for a week. Then after that he should have someone with him, just in case.”

“He’ll be staying with us in our apartment.”

“Alright, just as long as Louis agrees to all of this. He’s still asleep right now, but if you’d like you can see him now.”

We all nodded vigorously. She led the way to Louis room. At least he wasn’t in the ICU, just a fairly regular room. God, the lighting in this room shows everything. Most of him is covered up, only his arms, neck, and face is visible. But there’s bruising everywhere. He has some bruising around his mouth and on his arms he’s got what looks like ligature marks on his wrists. And his neck. The wounds have been cleaned and stitched up but they still look horrible. I know that this is the most minor damage that is visible. The worst is under his blanket. The wounds under his blanket are the ones that could have killed him.

“We don’t know when he’ll wake up exactly. But there was no damage to his brain so it will likely be in the next few hours. Usually we don’t let visitors stay at this time of the night, but visitor hours start in a couple hours anyway and it might be good for him to wake up to something familiar, so you can stay if you’d like.”

Of course we did. I think we all needed to see him awake and okay. We’ve lost him twice already. We have to make sure that we don’t lose him again.

Niall and Zayn eventually fell asleep on their hard plastic chairs. But I was still awake and so was Harry. Every so often a tear would slip down his cheek. Just one and not very often, but they would be there. “Are you okay, Harry?”

“This is my fault.”

“No, Harry. Another person hurt him, not you.”

“It’s my fault he left, though. If I hadn’t reacted like I had he might not have even gone back there.”

“Harry...you never told us. What happened that day? All you told us is what his job is.”

“That day...we had had sex. For the first time. After that we went out to dinner and once we were done I kind of suggested that we went back home to have sex again. But he didn’t want to. So we went for a walk instead. But then there was...one of his clients, I think. Trying to convince him to leave me for a fuck. He didn’t, but I was I was shocked. And confused. And I was really mad. Cause I found out that when he was hardly comfortable enough will me to make out and he wouldn’t have sex with me until that day, yet he was having sex with who knows how many other people. And I mean, I was kind of scared too, because even though we used a condom, I didn’t know if he did with other people so if it had broken he could have given me something. But mostly I was just angry. And then when we got back home I called him a slut. And I told him to leave. I regretted it the second I said it, but I said it so it’s my fault he left. I could tell he was ashamed of it. And he looked really scared. If I had just been calm and offered him a different place to stay, he might have been able to leave. But I didn’t so he didn’t and now he’s hurt. It’s my fault.”

“Harry...that isn’t a good thing, okay? You shouldn’t have said that. But you know Louis. He’s stubborn and doesn’t like asking for help. He probably wouldn’t have left just like that. And you know, you really can’t blame him, okay? It makes sense that you’d be upset, it would be strange if you weren’t. But that’s a hard thing to tell and he was probably scared.”

“I know that now. And I don’t blame him. I just want him to wake up so I can apologize to him.”

I got my chance a couple of hours later. Liam had slept for about an hour, but I hadn’t gotten a wink in the last seven or so hours. And I’ve hardly slept in general in the last month. But I had to be awake when he woke up. And now he was. His eyes had started to flutter and his little nose was wrinkling, probably in pain. I quickly woke the other boys. I figured that Louis would want to see them too. Probably more than he would want to see me.

The first thing he did when his eyes opened was look around and start to whimper and try to get up. “Hey, it’s okay.” I stood and tried to gently get him back to laying down. He complied. “You’re okay. You’re safe now.”

I guess one of the boys had pressed a call button because a nurse came in. She started taking his vitals and writing some things down. “Can you tell me your name?”

“Louis Tomlinson.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“Hospital. I don’t know which one.”

He started to cough a little so I quickly ran and got him a glass of water. I handed it to him and he gave me the tiniest smile before he drank. “How are you feeling?”

“Hurts.”

“We’ll get you something for that very soon. We’ll also get you a stool softener.” He blushed just a tiny bit. “You’ve been left with a broken rib, bruising, about forty cuts on your chest, neck, legs and buttocks as well as severe tearing to your anus and rectum. You are going to have to take it very easy over the next few weeks so your wounds can heal. We’ll get you a wheelchair. Now, can you tell me what happened to you?” He whimpered and frowned. “You’re not in trouble, Louis. Nothing bad will happen to you if you tell me. We already know about your job.”

He hesitated, contemplating his choices. But in the end, after a couple minutes, he spoke. “He was a client. It was an hour before we closed but he rented me for two hours. He hurt me. He tied me up and he gagged me. He...he kept hitting me. With his hand and then a whip and then a ruler. Then he, um, he put some things in me. And when they were in me he had sex with me. He didn’t use a condom. He made me think he did, but he didn’t.” By this time he had started to cry. “Please, it really hurts.”

She nodded. “I’ll be right back.”

She was gone for a couple minutes. He didn’t look at us once while she was gone. He had his eyes closed and was sobbing so hard I feared that he’d pull out one of his stitches. Finally she was back and she injected something to go in through his IV. He calmed down after a couple minutes. “Louis, the police are outside. Like I said, you’re not in trouble. But we were able to get a DNA sample of the man that hurt you. We haven’t run it through the system yet, but with your permission we’d like to see if we can find a match. He could go to prison for what he did to you.”

He shook his head rapidly and again I feared for the stitches on his neck. “No. No police.”

“Louis.” I said softly to get him to look at me. “Louis he hurt you. Hurt you really bad. There are other boys and girls just like you out there that he could go and hurt whenever he wanted. But if the police find him he won’t be able to hurt anyone else.”

He looked so horribly confused and exhausted. I really didn’t want him to go through this so soon, but he needed to. The sooner he spoke to police, the sooner they could catch the bastard that did this to him. Thank god, he nodded very slowly. “Okay, I’ll send them in.”

After a minute, two cops came in. Luckily, one of them was gentle looking female and the other one, a man, looked very kind. “Louis, my name is officer Brown.” Said the female. She was quite pretty, but I had the feeling that if you looked at her wrong she could snap you in half if she wanted to. It was her job, afterall. But her eyes were soft when she looked at Louis. “And this is my partner, officer Miller.”

Officer Miller was a rather large and very muscular man, but like I had said, he looked kind. “Louis can you tell us what happened to you last night?” Miller asked. Louis looked hesitantly over at us. Miller seemed to get what he was asking with his gaze. “They can stay if you want.” He nodded. “Just tell us everything you remember.”

Brown turned on a small recorder before Louis started. “It’s like what I told the nurse. I was supposed to be done in an hour, but a man came in and he asked to rent me for two hours. That’s more expensive than just paying for a regular service, but they can do basically anything they want. We just had, like, normal sex first. But then he used a, um, a sex toy on me and left that in me. Then he tied my arms and legs to the bedposts at the head of my bed and he put a gagball in my mouth. Then he spanked me for a few minutes. After that he got a whip out and hit me with that. I lost count of how many times, but the nurse said that I had forty cuts so probably around that many. Maybe a few more. He hit me with it everywhere. Back of my legs first, then my bum. And, uh, the sex toy was still in me then so he was hitting that too and that hurt. Then my neck and chest.”

For a second Louis looked just a little bit shocked. “Oh, my god, do I still have nipples?” He used his arm that wasn’t hooked up to check under his hospital gown. In any situation that might have been funny. But it really wasn’t. Not right now. “Shit, sorry. Things felt like they were being ripped off of me. I just wanted to check that I wasn’t missing anything. Anyway, um, he got tired of the whip he put that away and took out a ruler. I don’t know where he got that or how he got that in. They usually check for things that can hurt us, but I guess they missed it. Then the man hit me with that on my penis. But only a few times. Then, um, he took out the sex toy. But he put another one in. This time it was a, um, a vibrator.” He blushed again. “He didn’t use any lube on it, though. He left that turned on high for a while. But then he got another one in and turned that one on too. I felt some tearing and I knew I had started bleeding down there. Then he just...watched me. I don’t know how long for, cause I couldn’t turn my head to look at the clock. Eventually he stood up and came towards me and I was really scared so I closed my eyes. I heard him...he grabbed a condom and he crinkled it a little so I thought that he was using one. But he didn’t. He, um, he had sex with me while the other stuff was still in me. So I was bleeding even worse than before. Then, um, when he was done he untied me and took the gag ball out. I wanted to scream for help but I couldn’t. My head was feeling kind of numb so I couldn’t. Then he, um, he kissed me. And he called me a name. Then he left. I don’t really remember anything after that.”

He became more and more hysterical with each detail he told. By the time he finished his heart rate was so high a nurse came in. I knew that he was having a panic attack. I knew what was happening and I figured that if I could help without him needing a sedative I might as well. “Hey hey hey, Louis. Louis look at me. Listen to me. Breath with me, okay? Deep breaths, in and out.” I breathed with him just like the last time he had a panic attack. Eventually he calmed down. “You back?” He nodded. “Good boy. Do you need some water?” He nodded and the nurse left to get some. He drank it all greedily before looking back at me. “Louis, would you like to continue? You don’t have to if you don’t want to if you can’t, but it would be really good if you could try.”

“I already said what happened.”

“Yes, Louis.” Brown stepped over and crouched beside his bed. “And you did very good. But there’s some other stuff that we’d like to ask you about. Would that be okay?” He nodded again. “Okay, Louis. Can you tell me about the place you work?”

“It’s, um, it’s a brothel. There’s nine other people like me there. It’s a good place. Probably the safest brothel ever. There are two security guards who come whenever you call and there’s a button you can press if you can’t scream.”

“But you couldn’t use those things, right?”

He nodded. “Yeah.”

“What else, Louis?”

“Security cameras. Not in the bedrooms, but there in the lobby and the hallways.”

“Louis is there a chance that the man’s face will be on those cameras.” He nodded. “Can you tell us the address?” He shook his head. “Why not.”

“They’re good people. They all are. They just need money and a place to stay. If police go there they will get in trouble. They don’t need trouble. None of them even like it, they just needed a job.”

“This isn’t that kind of investigation. We need the address so we can get the tapes off of those cameras and get that man for you.” He eventually relented. The address he gave is a building in a rather upscale neighborhood with huge houses. “Thank you, Louis. That helps a lot. But I have some other questions about your job. When did you start working there?”

“When I first came to London. I was sixteen.”

“Why did you go into that line of work?”

“I was broke and I was hungry and I needed money. A man offered me money to give him oral and I kind of just got a lot of people who wanted the same and eventually I was offered a job. I didn’t get to keep most of my money, but some that they took paid for my food and clothes and I got a warm, clean, safe place to live so of course I took it.”

“Louis, you do understand that you were technically underage, yes?” He nodded. “So what they were doing to you was child sex trafficking.” He hesitated, but he nodded. “Do you think that’s okay?” He didn’t respond. “Louis, if someone came in there and they were almost sixteen, what would you think?”

“That’s bad.”

“Why?”

“Cause they’re a kid.”

“So why is it any better if you’re a couple months older than that?” Again, he didn’t answer. “I don’t doubt that the other sex workers and the security people are good people. But I don’t think that your pimp is a good person. He took your money, didn’t he? More than he said he would.” He nodded. “And he was selling sex with a child. And this wasn’t the first time that a client hurt you badly before, was it?” He shook his head. God, I knew that. I had seen the handprint on his hip so I knew. But that seems so minor to this. “Are there any underage sex workers working there right now.”

Very slowly he nodded. “Jonah and April. They’re both seventeen.”

“Louis, do you think that we should try and get them out?”

He nodded again and tears were starting to leak from his eyes again. “Help them, they’re really good kids. They didn’t have a choice.”

“Okay, Louis. Thank you for your help. What we’re going to do now is we’re going to have the DNA run through. And we’re going to do a bust on the brothel. We’ll only be arresting the pimp. What is his name?

“Carl. I don’t know is last name.”

“First name is good enough, we can find out the rest. We’ll be in contact with you about how everything is going so I’ll be needing a way to contact you.”

“He doesn’t have a phone.” I answered the question that wasn’t directed at me. “But I’ll give you mine. He’ll be living with us after he gets out of here.”

Of course Louis hadn’t known that, but he didn’t protest. They left, wishing Louis a speedy recovery. Then they were gone and it was just the five of us. “Harry, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, Louis. I’m not mad at you, I promise I’m not. But I think it might be a good idea for you to try and sleep some more right now. We’ll talk when we’re all rested.”

Louis nodded. It didn’t take long for him to fall asleep, hardly a couple minutes. And after an exhausting seven hours, and after I finally knew that he would be okay, I drifted off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...yeah. Poor Louis :(
> 
> Please leave comments!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	7. Chapter 7

When I woke up for the second time the boys were still here and they were all asleep in their chairs. I was hurting again, almost felt like I was burning all over, so I guess that whatever they gave me for the pain has worn off. Which would mean that I’ve been asleep for several hours.

Shit, I can’t believe I told the police all of that today. I just...no one deserves to hurt like this. And April and Jonah are so sweet. They deserve to get some of their innocence back. And I never thought about it, but Carl isn’t as good of a guy as I used to think. Not because of the money thing. He took me off the streets. Gave me a roof, a warm bed, and food. Things I didn’t have at the time and I was desperate for. All I had to do was fuck old men instead of just blowing like them, like I was comfortable with. Not just that, but he made me fuck him to get the things he promised me. I was a kid and he made me fuck him.

And he fucked us all up. Quite possibly made us all worse than we were before. But we couldn’t exactly leave because he was taking most of our money. I made at least two hundred dollars everyday...for Carl. Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve been getting what I’m supposed to. I’m supposed to get ten percent but it seems closer to five percent based on what I’ve saved up.

Of course, I have spent money in the past. Carl had initially told me that he would buy me clothes, but he’s only bought me maybe two or three items in the past and I’ve needed more since I’ve lost a lot of weight in the past few years. I’ve especially bought a lot of clothes since I met the boys again because otherwise I would be wearing the exact same thing everyday. And I need to buy my own lube. He supplies the condoms, but apparently lube isn’t a necessity so I have to get that. And of course all my toiletries are my responsibility. As is any other luxury.

If I had gotten everything I was supposed to I probably wouldn’t have stayed for so long. Sure, living in London is expensive and so is university so I had to stay for a long time. But I should have really been able to be gone by now.

So I guess that yeah, Carl is a bad person. He should be punished, just as long as he’s the only one.

By the time I had finished mulling through those sort of thoughts, Zayn had begun to stir. “Mhm, morning Lou. How do you feel?”

“Fine. Could use some more painkillers, but I’m okay.” I managed a small smile.

He looked a little bit relieved once I spoke, but still very worried. “Good. You...you scared us real bad. Came to the apartment in the middle of the night. You looked like you were dying, Lou. You were bleeding from everywhere. Like, there were puddles of blood by the time paramedics got there.”

I don’t even know why I went to them. I could have gone to the hospital by myself. It might have even been a bit closer. But I didn’t. Even though I thought that they were all disgusted by me, I went. Because they had cared about me. And based on the fact that they’re still here, they still care. But even though I thought they hated me, I knew that I would be safer there than I would be anywhere else in the world.

But it was late. I don’t know how late, but I know that it was pitch black outside. And I made them look at me like that. And I’m rather sure that my clothes were probably cut off so they saw me completely naked. They saw everything. No one should have to see something so disgusting. “I’m sorry.”

“No no, don’t ever be sorry for that. I’m so glad you came to us. I just wish that hadn’t happened to you. Please you...you can’t go back. You can’t do that anymore.”

“I know. I don’t like it at all. I just needed the money. Maybe I can find a job now. And an apartment.”

“I’m sure you will. You’re an adult, so I’m sure you can find something. But you don’t need to worry about that, not yet. And you don’t need to get an apartment. You’re staying with us. At least until you heal, but for however long you want after that too. I could always bunk with Harry and you can take my room. Whatever we need to do to keep you comfortable.”

“You really don’t have to do that. I’ll take the couch. That really means alot to me.”

He smiled softly, a smile that he saves for people who he’s really comfortable with. Who he truly cares about. “And it means a lot to us that you felt comfortable enough to tell us things.”

“It’s about time, isn’t it? Been keeping secrets from you for a long time.” Been keeping them ever since I met him.

Liam started to wake up then. I guess our talking disturbed his sleep, he always was a light sleeper. “How are you feeling?”

“Fine. Better than I could be.” I took a shallow breath as I thought. “Shit, what day is it? Are you guys missing classes?”

“It’s Saturday, so no.”

Good. They can’t miss any classes for me. School is the most important thing. “Oh, good. Sorry, I’ve not really been paying attention to the days the last month or so.”

“Don’t worry about it. Medications might be messing with your head too.”

“Yeah, I guess.” They’ve all worn off, actually. I’m just messed up.

And then Niall was awake. “You doing alright?”

“I’m fine.” I answered.

“What time is it?” Niall asked, voice thick with sleep.

Liam checked his phone. “About noon, why?”

“When was the last time you ate, Louis?”

I thought back. I know that I hadn’t eaten anything for supper because I was working, after which I was unable to even think. Much less eat. So I guess it was lunch yesterday, though I remember that I hadn’t eaten a whole lot since I wasn’t feeling great yesterday. “Lunch yesterday, I guess. Why?”

Right then Harry decided to wake up. “What’s going on?”

“I was just going to get all of us something to eat?”

“Oh. How are you doing, Louis?”

Of course he had to ask me that as well, so I gave basically the same answer that I had given the others. “I’m okay.”

“Really?”

I was about to say yes, but he was being persistent. And persistence is in some situations should be rewarded. So I told the truth. “Yeah, um, everything really kind of hurts right now. Like, really bad. And I can’t reach the call button cause everytime I move, something feels like it’s pulling or ripping. And I’m hungry, but I don’t know if I really want food cause my ass is like, completely destroyed right now and I really don’t want to deal with that.”

To be honest I’m just really sort of frustrated with myself right now. I can’t do anything to fix my problems. Harry stood up and pressed the call button for me. “They should be here really soon with something to help you. And you’re taking medicine to help with the last part. Not eating isn’t an option for you. To be honest, you’re really skinny. I think you’re skinnier than you really should be.”

Of course I knew that. I’m supposed to be skinny. “They wanted me skinny.”

“What does that mean? Why did you need to be skinny?” Harry asked, cocking his head to the side just slightly.

“I’m, um, I’m considered a twink, you know? Cause I’m small and pretty. So they wanted me to be as small as I could be, aside from my ass. So, like, I wasn’t supposed to eat much. I mostly ate a lot of fruits, vegetables, and nuts. Sometimes I was allowed to have some meat, but not much. I kind of made Sunday my cheat day after I met you guys.”

The nurse chose that time to come in. It was a different nurse than the one from last night/this morning. “How are you feeling, Louis?”

Fifth person I’ve seen since I’ve been awake and also the fifth person to ask that “I’m okay. I am concious and I know what’s going on. But everything is hurting really badly right now. Could I get some more pain medicine?”

She hesitated. And I saw that look in her eye. She knows, and she is judging me. Just because I’m a prostitute doesn’t mean I’m also an addict. “On a scale from one to ten, where do you think your pain is at?”

“It’s better than it was before but it still really hurts. Last night I was probably at a nine before I passed out. Right now I’m a six or a seven. Look, I know that everyone probably thinks I’m on drugs cause of my job. But I’m not. I don’t think I’ve even had cold medicine in a couple years.”

She nodded and backed off a little “I’m sorry if that’s what you were thinking, Louis. I just want to make sure that you’re getting what you need. Not too weak or too strong” She said, but I could tell that she was just covering her tracks. “I’ll be back in just a minute.”

“Wait,” Harry stopped her. “He can eat, right?”

“Of course.” She nodded, a fake looking smile on her face. “You’re quite underweight, actually. Just be sure that you’re drinking lots of water. You’ll get a stool softener, but I’d still recommend something that isn’t too solid. Just in case.”

Niall left after her, promising he’d bring all of us, but mostly me, back food as soon as he could. The nurse was back rather quickly and gave me something that left me feeling just a little drowsy, but not enough for me to actually fall asleep. I was just really relaxed. Niall didn’t take too long. I certainly didn’t have much chewing to do since he just brought me some apple sauce, a pudding cup, and a smooth peanut butter sandwich. It felt good to have something in my stomach after feeling so empty for so long.

Once I was full (or fuller than I’ve been in a month) and satisfied Harry decided to speak up. “Louis?” I looked over at him in acknowledgement “I’m really sorry.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“No, not about this. I mean, I’m of course really sorry that that happened to you. But I’m sorry for how I reacted and how I spoke to you.”

“It’s okay.” It wasn’t, but I understood why he had done it. “To be honest, I was expecting it.”

I was. Unless you are a person who seeks out prostitutes, you are probably disgusted by them. Actually, even some of my clients are disgusted by prostitutes, even if they do regularly fuck them. It’s normal and what he said was almost tamer than I expected him. It was worse than I hoped, but it was better than I expected.

“That doesn’t mean that it was okay for me to say. I was upset and I took it out on you.”

“We’ll, um, we’ll give you two some privacy.” Niall quickly ushered Zayn and Liam out and shut the door behind them.

“Harry, it’s okay. It really is. I broke your trust, I know that. It completely makes sense for you to have reacted like that.”

“I broke your trust, too. But I regretted it the minute you left. I know that I said some really degrading things to you. You are not a slut, okay? There is nothing wrong with having sex with a lot of people, as long as you’re safe about it. And I really shouldn’t have taken the fact that you didn’t want to have sex with me out on you. I mean, it’s your job to have sex with people. So if you do that all day, maybe it makes sense that you wouldn’t want to do that in your spare time too.”

“Thank you. I just…” I sighed. “I don’t really like sex. But you were just so patient with me and my issues and I just wanted to make you feel good. It was just really bad timing that my client came by right after.”

He looked too shocked for what I said.“Wait, did you just say that you don’t like sex?”

It was kind of funny to me that he would have picked out just that part instead of the other important things I said. “I mean, I just, I never really have had anything good associated with sex. With clients I can kind of just remember that it’s for money. But with you I couldn’t do that cause you’re Harry and you wanted me for other stuff and that kind of just...I didn’t like that. Cause you saw me so open and filthy and you kept looking at me all over. And then...then you stayed in bed with me after that. That’s just really not something I do. Not something I’m good for.”

He stopped me. I had some more to say about the matter, but he stopped me. “Louis. Are you saying that...that I had sex with you when you didn’t want to?”

I shrugged. “I mean, I guess so. Sort of. I just really wanted to make you feel good.”

“Do you understand what that means?” I shook my head. He looked like he was going to be sick. “Louis...that means that I raped you.”

He did not. He did not! Harry wouldn’t do that. Harry is not that kind of person. He did not take advantage of me in any way whatsoever. “No!”

“You did not want to have sex!” He too a breath and lowered the volume of his voice a little. Probably trying not to scare me. “When a person has sex with a person who doesn’t want sex, it doesn’t matter what their relationship with each other is. It is rape.”

“No!” I persisted. “I initiated it! I’m the one who asked you to fuck me. Then you...you checked to see if I wanted to. I told you yes every time. You couldn’t have known that I didn’t like sex cause I never told you. Cause I gave you my consent repeatedly.”

“But if I had just paid more attention I could have figured it out. I mean, why would you have fucked me if you didn’t even want to snog me before that day? I should have known. There must have been something in your expression to tell me.”

“Harry, you forget that part of my job is to make everyone think that I’m gagging for it all the time. I made sure you thought that too.” I explained plainly. “And it’s not like you were bad. You were so good. You made it really good for me. You were gentle and caring and you made me feel good, even if I was panicking a little.”

He took another breath and calmed himself down. “Okay. Okay, I believe you. But that is your consent. You can’t lie about that for the sake of someone else. If someone wants to have sex with you and you don’t want to, then the other person should just deal with that by themselves. You have every right to say no, and that should be respected.”

“I’ll remember that.”

“Good. Because you deserve to feel good too, not even in a just sexual sense because I know that that isn’t something you want. You just deserve to be happy.”

“I was. When I was with you. And that other boys, of course. But especially you. You made me feel normal.”

“You are normal.” He smiled, but his eyes still looked so very sad. “There isn’t anything wrong with you. People have done bad things to you, but that doesn’t mean that you are bad.”

In a way it makes sense because everything bad about me is because someone else chose to do something to me. But I am bad. I do bad things that I’m not supposed to do all the time. I am a bad person.

“Louis, you have to promise me that you will never go back there, okay?”

“I couldn’t if I wanted to, Harry. It’s being shut down.” I pointed out.

“I don’t mean just to that one brothel. I mean to any. You can’t ever go to another brothel or any other brothel. And you can’t go on the streets either. We’ll help you. We’ll find you a job when the time comes, and you’re going to live with me for as long as you want.”

“Live with you?” He said with him. As in just him.

He caught on after a second and corrected his mistake that wasn’t really a mistake. “With us, I mean. You’re going to live with us. At least for the next month while you heal, but as ever long as you might want after that too. We will be here for you and you will never again have to do something that hurts you for money.”

“Okay.” I didn’t want to, I don’t like taking favours I can’t repay. But if Harry wanted me to stay away then I absolutely would. “I promise I won’t do that anymore. It was always only supposed to be a temporary thing, anyway.”

He nodded and smiled, but then he looked just a little uncomfortable “Anyway, sorry to bring it back to the sex thing, but I was just wondering one thing. Do you think you might be asexual.”

I have absolutely have no idea what that is. I’m homosexual, but that’s it as far as I know. Not that I would know. “I haven’t really...what does that mean? I’ve kind of been under a rock the last few years.”

“Well, it means that you don’t experience sexual attraction.”

Certainly not. I’m pretty sure that if you have a wet dream about another person and you wank to the thought of another person you’ve got to feel sexual attraction. “No, definitely not. I mean, I know that you’re really attractive. And I liked sex before things happened. I think that if none of this stuff happened I’d probably have sex all the time. And I don’t know...maybe in the future when I’m better, I’ll want to. Just not now. I don’t really know when I’ll want to.”

He nodded, another tiny smile on his face. “Okay, good to know. Louis, I get that I’ve probably lost your trust after I said those things and made you leave.”

“You didn’t make me leave.”

“But I told you to.”

“But I could have come back, I didn’t.” I chose to stay away because that was the best option for everyone.

“Well, this doesn’t really matter that much, does it? All I’m trying to say is that every day since you’ve left I’ve been staring at that door, praying you’d come back. And no matter what you say, it is my fault that you didn’t come back. I don’t know if you were...scared of me or what.” Not scared of him. Just what he might say or think. “But you didn’t feel comfortable to come back because of what I said. I hurt you and I don’t blame you if you hate me. But the thing is, I still like you. I really do. Very much in a romantic way.”

I didn’t know how that could be possible. I understand that he might want to be my friend. But how could he have feelings for someone so filthy? “That doesn’t mean that you have to return my feelings, or even do a single thing about them. But I do like you. A lot, actually. And I would really like to try and make things up to you and make you happy in the future. Only if you want to, of course.”

“Harry...I’m really fucked up. Like, more fucked up than you used to think. I mean, I can hardly kiss you without freaking out.”

“I like the rest of you too, you know. I mean, you’re beautiful and I love your body. But dating someone shouldn’t be just about the body. I like your mind, too.”

“And I can’t have sex with you. To be honest, I didn’t really feel that good about sucking your dick, either.”

He looked just a tiny bit put out, but he persisted. “I...I can understand that. I have a hand, I can use it if I need to.”

I thought for a second. I do like him. But he should look for someone who isn’t a disgusting little whore. “Harry, maybe we shouldn’t. I think that...maybe we should just be friends. You’re only nineteen. You really shouldn’t be tied down to someone that can’t even kiss you. You should go out, have fun.”

“But what if I want to be tied down to you?”

I shook my head. I know that I’m not the best option for him. But when we were dating I was happy, but even more worried than ever before. Not just because of my job. But because I knew that he wanted things. Even though he said he was okay, I knew that he still had needs. He shouldn’t have to wait and hold back. And I’ve been...I haven’t been able to relax at all for years. And no matter what Harry says about there being no pressure I knew that there was as long as I wasn’t normal.

And to be honest, I don’t know who I am. I was a boy who got raped by my dad. I was a prostitute. I have no idea who I am without that. Those two things created my world. And if I dated Harry, properly this time, then Harry would be what my new world centered around. I would be his boyfriend and nothing else. I’d like to figure out who I am. And with how fucked up my head is, I don’t know how long it will take to figure out myself “I can’t. I want to, but I don’t think I can. I’m sick, Harry. I’m kind of...I think I’m sort of depressed. And I have panic attacks. And I’m not really capable of like, relaxing because I’m always thinking too much. I like you too. But I haven’t been able to work anything out the last few years because everything kept piling up and getting worse. And now that that stuff is in my past, I don’t know who I am anymore. It might be good for me to just take a breather and try to work through stuff. Figure out who I am, by myself.”

“Okay. That makes a lot of sense. I want you to be healthy and happy and if becoming that doesn’t involve me, then okay. But I’ll be there, okay? I will never be far if you need help. The boys will be there too, of course. And if you ever decide that you’d like to try dating, I’ll be there if you want me.”

“You don’t have to wait.”

And now his smile was so very sad and heartbreaking. But it was a smile all the same. A true smile. “But I will. I will be there whenever you need me for whatever you need.”

I believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was so dialogue heavy.
> 
> Let me know what I thought! Hearing from you guys keeps me motivated.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	8. Chapter 8

A few days later I received a call from Officer Brown. The bust on the brothel has happened and Carl is being detained. Everyone at the house is being questioned as we speak and it is looking like Carl will be going to prison for something or another. And that is really good news because it means that I will for sure never have to see him again.

But I still have stuff there. Really important stuff. Like my clothes, my wallet, and my picture of mum. I need that stuff, but I'm not allowed to go get it yet.

Brown also said that they got a reasonably clear footage of that night. But I'm going to have to identify the man who hurt me myself, since there are several men who went in around that time. I really don't want to go because that means that I have to look at him again. Shouldn't the DNA be enough?

The next day Officer Brown and Officer Miller came in. They told me how the case against Carl was going. No one will admit what they do and what Carl does. After all, we were all told that if we told anyone that we would be punished. I don't blame them for being scared. I just wish that they could just tell. Or that Carl would confess. But of course his lips were sealed, his expensive lawyer made sure of it.

They're still sure that they can put him away, they're just not sure how long for. If April or Jonah would just say something, or any sort of proof were to be found about him having them involved then he could go away. At the very least, he would be convicted of child molestation for the test he made us do when we got there.

Right now is the hard part. They made my boys (who have been here all the time, aside from when they had class or had to go back to their apartment to shower) leave the room. They brought me comfort, but I don't get that right now. I am alone with two officers and a line up of slightly blurred security camera pictures. I saw him right away, right in the middle of the line up. “It's this guy” I pushed the picture towards them. “I know it is.”

“Okay, thank you. We’ll get his picture out and we’ll do what we can to find him.”

“Did you already test for DNA.”

“Yes, tests were done. But unfortunately it didn't come up with a match. That doesn't mean it’s hopeless, okay? If we find who did this to we can run his DNA and that will indisputably but him with you. Someone will know him. Do you remember anything else about him?”

“He, um, he had a tattoo on the inside of his wrist. I couldn't see what it was, it was too dark.”

“Good, that will help. That's all we need from you today, we’ll contact you for the next time we need to speak to you. Anyway, how are you feeling?”

“They still won't let me stand up cause they don't want to mess with any of the stitches. Every time I need to go somewhere someone has to lift me up and put me in a wheelchair, but even that hurts. But they say that I'm healing well. I'll be allowed to go home soon.”

“That's really good. Good luck with the rest of your recovery.”

They left and the boys were allowed back in. Harry rushed to my side and took my hand in his. “You okay? What were they here for?”

“I’m fine. They just told me about how the case with the house is doing. And I had to point out the guy who did this to me.”

In truth I wasn’t all that okay. I had to look at him. I had to look at him in the minutes before he started this. And even worse, all we have is his face. If we had a DNA match we could find him without a problem. But now, who knows if we’ll ever find him. He could be anywhere by now.

And I still have to worry about Carl, too. He is a bad man and bad men should go to jail. But everyone is just really scared. None of us know how Carl will punish us for telling. Even if he is in jail he could still send someone after any of us easily. Even if we were only friends because we had to be, I still want them all safe. We’re practically all scared little kids.

“It’s okay if you’re scared, darling.”

“I’m not scared. I know that he can’t get me in here. And no one has any idea where your place is, either. But everyone else probably is. That’s why they won’t talk.” I paused for a second. “I want to go see them. Maybe if I can talk to them and make them see why everything he did was bad then enough of them might talk.”

“That’s a good idea, babe. But only if you can handle it. And only after you’ve recovered enough. You can hardly walk at all right now.”

Aggravation grew inside of me. I know that. I know I can’t do shit right now. I know I’m useless. “You know, I’m just really sick of being so fucking weak. I haven’t been able to do a thing by myself for the last week. Even before that I couldn’t do shit. I just want to do something.”

“I know. But you’re doing really good. We just talked to your doctor. He says that you can actually leave tomorrow. You’re still gonna need help for a while. But soon you’re going to be okay and you can do whatever you want. You’re free now, okay? You are safe and you are free.”

“Thank you, but I’m really tired now. Can I please sleep?”

“Of course. We’d better go now, anyway. I have class in half an hour. But we’ll stay until you fall asleep.”

It didn’t take very long. With the cocktail of medication I’m on I’m always tired. They did stay. I fell asleep to the feeling of Harry’s thumb stroking the back of my hand.

The next day after a final check up and lesson on how to change my bandages for myself and the boys I was allowed to leave, on the condition that I would come back every week for a check up until I’m healed enough for my stitches to be removed. Of course I agreed.

I’m still not really allowed to walk because there’s still the big risk of my stitches ripping and the cuts opening up and bleeding all over the place if I do too much. So I’m stuck in my wheelchair for at least another week. And every time I need out of it I have to get help from one of the boys. Which sucks, because I hate asking for help. I hate being so useless that I can’t even go to the bathroom by myself. And of course there will be times that I’ll be home alone and I won’t be allowed to move at all.

Despite all of that, I’m so ready to not have strangers helping me change and piss.

I don’t have any clothes or anything, so Niall ran back to their place to find me something for me. It was all really loose on me, which was good because I couldn’t have clothes that rubbed against anything. With the size being so huge and based on the smell, I knew they belonged to Harry. Which was certainly much more comforting than it should be.

After some paperwork and being handed my prescription pills, I was allowed out of the tiny white room. For a broke college student, Harry actually has a pretty decent car. Liam lifted me in and buckled me up. I wanted to wheel myself inside, but if I move my wrists or elbows too much something is going to rip. So I was pushed into the elevator and then into their apartment. I got a couple looks from people around when I was pushed into the building. I don’t blame them. When your neighbors are pushing a wheelchair bound guy who looks like he was obliterated by a bomb or something, you tend to notice. Well, I won’t really be seeing any of them for a few weeks anyway. So it doesn’t matter that much if they want to look. I just wish that they wouldn’t.

I had spent hours in the past week arguing against the idea that one of them should give up their room for me and since I was so damned stubborn they gave up. So when we got there, their couch was already made up for me to sleep on. “Thank you for letting me stay here. I’ll try not to be a bother.”

“Don’t worry, babe.” Zayn gently placed his hand on my shoulder. “We like you. And we are more than happy to have you here and to take care of you.”

“Still, you’ve all got lives. You shouldn’t hold them off until I’m better.”

“Don’t you worry about that, okay? Besides, we don’t really go out much aside from work and class anyway. So we’re mostly here.”

“Do you need anything? Something to eat?” Niall asked.

“That would be nice, thank you. Hospital food sucks ass.”

“You’ve got that right.” Harry snorted “I know it’s nutritious, but they completely forgot about flavour. I’ll make you something.”

I always forget how well he can cook. Each bite is a blessing. If he cooked for everyone on earth, we would soon have world peace. We’d probably have a major food shortage since he gives each of us so much that we’re absolutely stuffed, but there would still be peace.

After I was absolutely full I was lifted on to the couch. We decided to just watch a movie. It was one that I’ve never seen, so I tried my best to pay attention. But after about an hour or so I got a rather uncomfortable feeling. I tried my best to ignore it, but it’s not really something that you can ignore for very long. So I lent into Harry and whispered. “Harry I need to go to the bathroom.”

He lifted me up as if I were as light as a feather, not even bothering with my chair. He carried me into the bathroom and sat me down on the already open toilet. “Do you need help?”

“No. This is embarrassing enough without you helping me piss.”

“You shouldn’t be embarrassed about this, okay? Everyone needs a little help sometimes. It’s not like I would watch you, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“It’s not. This is just something I’d rather do alone. Is that okay?”

“Of course. I’ll be right outside.”

He left and shut the door behind him. Once I finished I called Harry back in and he kind of propped me up as I washed my hands. Even if I was already standing I can’t very well keep myself up by myself. After a week of laying in bed my legs and the rest of my body are kind of weak. After that he carried me back and set me back on the couch.

Before long the movie was over and I could feel my eyes drifting closed. “You ready to go to sleep, darling?” I nodded sleepily. “Do you know when you’re supposed to take your medicine?”

“Every six hours as I need it.”

“Do you need it then?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Hurts real bad.”

“I figured. Give me a sec and I’ll have it for you.”

He returned quickly with two little pills and a glass of water in hand. I took them quickly before the four of them helped get me tucked under the blankets and fluffed up my pillow. They each wished me goodnight and kissed my forehead softly. “You’ll call us if you need help right?” I nodded. “Good boy. We’ll see you in the morning.”

I was left alone and the lights were turned off and the room was dark. Despite the slightly eerie feeling of the room (probably because of what happened the last two times I was in this apartment) I was asleep within seconds.

When I woke up the next morning Niall was sitting in front of the couch that I had been sleeping on, eating a bowl of corn flakes with some cartoon playing very softly on the TV. “Um, good morning.”

“Morning, Lou. Y’alright?”

“Fine. Where is everyone?”

“Liam’s at work, Zayn is studying in his room, and Harry’s getting groceries. Did you sleep okay?”

“Not bad. Couch is more comfortable than the hospital bed.” But less comfortable than my bed at the whore house. But that bed smelled like cum so…

“Good.”

“Yeah.”

There was a slightly awkward pause as Niall took another bite of his cereal. He chewed slowly and once he finally swallowed he waited another few seconds before speaking again. “So Harry talked to you the day you got back. Do you…” He paused. “Harry wouldn’t tell us anything that you talked about. But every time he left your room he just looked...he’s really sad, Louis. What happened?”

If Harry wouldn’t tell them what happened I didn’t know if I should. But secrets aren’t good. Secrets help nothing. “He apologized a lot. Then we talked about the two of us. He wanted to try dating again. But I can’t, so I told him no.”

“Why? He really cares about you. If all that shit hadn’t happened you would still be together and in love.”

“He doesn’t know me. Not really. I was acting. You know that, right?” He nodded slowly. “He doesn’t know what I’m really like cause I was hiding everything about the last five years. I know that he liked me. I really like him, too. But he doesn’t know what I’m really like. Neither do I. All I know is that I was a happy teenager and then I was a prostitute. Right now, I’m nothing. I want to be a person, so I think I need to figure out who I am before I can be with him.”

“Did you tell him that?”

“He said he would wait for me.”

“He still cares about you. A lot. I don’t doubt that he will wait. Harry is one of my best friends, yeah? And I know that he’s hurting over this. But you matter too. You are very important and you deserve to figure things out. And in the end if you can’t be with him, that’s okay. You can let yourself be a person.”

“Thank you. It means a lot for you to say that.”

It really does. I know that they’re all close. Closer than I might ever be with them again. Harry should matter the most. So for him to accept my need for time above Harry’s feelings means a lot. “I don’t want to hurt him.”

“I know. You’re not doing it on purpose. It’s okay for you to need things.”

“I know that. I just...this is really weird for me, you know? I wasn’t...I wasn’t really allowed to need things. I was allowed food, clothes, and a bed. Everything else I needed I had to get by myself. I wasn’t allowed to ask for stuff.”

“Yeah, we figured as much. But that’s wrong, okay? You’re allowed to want and need things. Especially if all you want is some time and to be safe. As your best friends, we are supposed to help with that sort of thing. So you’re going to stay here for a good long while. And you are going to get healthy and gain a bit of weight. And when you’re ready you are going to go back to school and if you want you can get yourself a regular job. And you are going to figure out what kind of music you like and what you really like to wear and what you like to do. All of us together will figure out who Louis Tomlinson is now at twenty one years old. We’re going to get you some help, okay? I know that you don’t like talking about what happened. But there is nothing wrong with getting help from a professional.”

“I’m not ready to do that. Talking to the police was bad enough.”

“Okay. That’s alright. Whatever you want. But right now, you are going to move over cause this floor is hurting my ass.”

I moved (very slowly and not that much) over and let him join me on the couch. Niall just has a way of making people comfortable. He adjusts to every situation with ease and becomes what is needed in that situation. Whether you need a laugh of a cry or a cuddle or advice Niall is always there. Liam is really lucky to have someone like him. But of course Niall is always lucky to have Liam. Liam is responsible and caring and fun and sweet and perfect. They are perfect. Absolutely perfect for each other. 

Someday I want that. I want to have someone be my person and I want to help someone else become as happy as they could possibly be. I’d really like that to be Harry. But right now at this time it just isn’t right. I can’t be Harry’s person before I am a person. I just can’t, no matter how happy it would make me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it was such a short chapter. I couldn't make it longer without dragging things out too much. Hope you liked it! Be sure to tell me what you thought.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	9. Chapter 9

I have been living with them for five days. It’s nice. It really is. They’re all ridiculously accommodating and none of them seem to have a problem with helping me with things like reaching things down from places I can’t get to from my constant seated position, or being so willing to carry me places that I’ve hardly used my chair to get around at all. And since I can’t properly bathe, they’ve even helped me wash my hair. 

But I haven’t really been outside for the last month and a half. I was stuck in a whore house, then I was stuck in a hospital, and now I’m stuck in a very nice apartment with four very nice people but I still need to do something other than lay around all day and watch movies. I just want to do something. Anything.

So I brought up going to see my former colleagues again. Nothing has happened with either case since I last spoke to Officers Brown and Miller. I can’t do anything about the guy who hurt me. But I can do something about Carl. Still, no one is talking. That is why Carl is still out there. He can’t leave town, but if another month or two goes by without anything happening the case will be pushed to the side and Carl will be free to go pick up more kids and let people fuck them until they’re numb, just like he did to me.

After a good while of trying to convince them that I was well enough to do this, they agreed.

Everyone has been put up in a rental property. Not really witness protection exactly, but it is being payed for by police since I did tell the police about the threat of punishment for talking. Even if the case isn’t going anywhere yet, if it does it will get a millionaire pimp out of the business so it is a matter that the police care about.

The day that I had arranged to go see them, Zayn had to work at the little restaurant he’s a waiter at, but Liam, Niall, and Harry were free. I decided that Harry should be the only one to take me. Liam tried to protest, but I pulled him down to my level so that I could softly whisper into his ear “Liam, I have been here almost a week and unless you and Niall are really good at keeping quiet, I know you haven’t had sex since I got here.” He blushed, but looked rather guilty. Of course I’m right. “Harry will take care of me. You guys have fun.”

He nodded and whispered back a thank you before backing off and wrapping an arm around Niall’s waist. Harry wheeled me out of the apartment and helped me into the passenger seat of his car. The journey was spent in relative silence, just the soft hum of the barely on radio breaking the silence.

The place was rather nondescript. It was in a lower middle class neighborhood, but it was still a pretty decent looking place. In the yards of similar looking houses surrounding you could see bikes and toys. It was the type of place that a very happy family could live. You would never guess that nine prostitutes lived here.

There wasn’t a ramp or anything to get up onto the porch and into the house. So Harry got my chair up first and then took me out of the car and carried me up the path and steps. He set me as gently as possible in my chair (though I couldn’t help but wince at the little stretch it caused my skin) and then rung the doorbell. It was James who answered. James whose eyes looked even more sunken and with even darker circles underneath than ever before, if that was possible. “Shit, Lou. They said you were hurt, but I didn’t think you were this bad.”

“Good to see you too.”

“Yeah, nice to see you.” He patted me gently on the shoulder, which was luckily a spot on me that wasn’t torn up. “Seriously, though. Are you okay? Because you don’t look okay.”

“I am, really. This chair is just a precaution so I don’t rip my stitches. Can we come in?”

“Of course.” He moved aside and opened the door wider so that my chair could get through. “Um, who are you?”

“Oh, sorry. This is Harry. Harry, this is James.”

“This is...oh. The Harry? Oh. Uh, hi.”

Of course I had told James about Harry. James is my best friend from the house and I couldn’t help but tell someone. I never told him about why I stopped going to see him, though. I didn’t really talk at all during that time. “Yeah, that Harry. How have you been?”

Harry wheeled me through the door. “Not great, to be honest. This place is nice and all, but none of us are allowed to get into our money or anything and the police are making us all come in every single day. They don’t get that we can’t talk. Carl’s probably gonna fuck us up just cause we’re going at all. We can’t make it worse.”

Well that makes this a bit more awkward. “That’s sort of why I’m here, actually.”

“Oh. Well we’re not gonna talk. But you can still come in. Everyone wants to see you, we’ve all been worried sick.”

He led us through the tiny front room and into a sitting room. Everyone was there. As soon as we entered they all rushed up to me. Someone tried to hug me and I couldn’t help but whimper. Everyone backed right off. “It’s okay. I’m okay. I’m just a bit delicate right now. Arms and shoulders are fine.”

They were much more hesitant this time. I just got a couple of very light taps on my arm. After I had greeted everyone they sat back down, squishing in on the two couches. Harry just stayed beside me, leaning against the wall. “Okay, well, you guess probably have a pretty good idea of why I’m here. First, you’ve just got to know that the police didn’t tell me to come here. They didn’t really want me to be here, I pretty much had to beg to get permission. I don’t really know how much you guys have been told, but basically I was in the hospital and the police were talking to me about who did this to me. And then they wanted to know about Carl. I didn’t want to tell them anything. But they helped me figure out that what he did was bad. Everything about what he did was wrong. So I talked, on the condition that none of you would get in trouble for it. I won’t...I can’t make you talk. But they say that just my word isn’t enough. They have a lot of evidence cause they got the recordings from the security cameras and you know, there’s the fact that there were condoms everywhere. But they say that he probably won’t get convicted for that since he’s rich and can afford a good lawyer. So if...if just a few of you said something. Anything about it and were willing to testify then he could go away. I know that you’re all scared. I am too. I’m really fucking scared. But if we don’t talk, even if we don’t go back to join him, he will hurt them just like he hurt us.”

“Louis…” Caroline, looking at me almost in horror (probably because I have a big long stitched up gash across my neck) and asked “What happened to you? You just...you disappeared.”

“I know I’m really sorry for that.” For a second I debated how much I should tell them. It’s a rather gruesome story. But maybe if I tell them it could make them talk. “A man rented me for two hours. There was only an hour before we closed, but they still let him. You guys know the rules for that, they can do pretty much anything. But there is still the rule that they can’t do anything that causes permanent damage. It was fine at first. But then he tied me up and he gagged me and fucked me with a dildo. Then while that was still in me he spanked me. Which is fine. It hurt pretty bad, but I could handle that. Then he got out the whip and since I was on my back, pretty much folded in half, he got my chest, legs, and neck. That’s where I got all these.” I gestured to the cut on my neck. “And somehow he had a ruler so he hit my dick with that. Then he took the dildo out and replaced it with two vibrators. Since I wasn’t stretched for that I was obviously bleeding by then. He just...he watched me. He wanked while he watched me bleed. But he wasn’t done. He fucked me with both of those still in me. And he did not use a condom. And he kissed me. I don’t really remember anything after that. The next thing I knew, I was in the hospital.”

“Have they found him?” James asked from my left.

“No. They got his DNA and they got a pretty clear picture of him so there’s a chance. If he’s brought in for anything else they’ll have him for this too. But no. I don’t know where he is.”

“Why are you bringing Carl into this? He did everything he could to keep us safe. It wasn’t his fault this happened.”

“But it was, really. We all know what happened when we were recruited, it was pretty much the same for all of us. Most of us were kids. We were on the streets and he promised us a safe, warm place. I don’t know about you guys, but I would have done anything for that. And technically, he raped us. We may have agreed in a way, but he was in charge of our money, our health, and our safety. So it was rape. And his safety system was shit. You can’t have your safety system depend on being able to talk or move and yet he still let people tie us up and gag us. And he let them use things that hurt really bad. And obviously they didn’t bother checking customers too much if a ruler was let into my room. And we weren’t allowed to go to hospitals. Even if this hadn’t happened, I still have scars everywhere. And you know what? We all know that he stole the money we earned. I should have been able to leave ages ago, but I need a different job now so I can go to school. Look, I know what he told us. He said that he would punish us if we told the police. But he can’t do that if he’s in jail. If we get him put in jail he will never be able to do anything to us ever again.” I could see their expressions. They were sorry. Of course they were. But they aren’t convinced. I let out a sigh and looked up at Harry. I need a break. “Harry? I need to…”

He nodded. “Okay.” He looked up at the rest of them. “Where’s your bathroom?”

Caroline gestured down the hall. “It’s the first door on the left.”

Harry lifted me from my chair with impossible ease and carried me the twenty or so steps it took to get to the tiny room and set me down, just like he would at home. “Do you need help?” He always asks. Every single time. I shook my head. “Okay. I’ll be right outside. Call me when you need me.”

I don’t actually need to go. I just need a quick break. I need to breath so I don’t start crying in front of them. That wouldn’t be any help.

***

I was forced to wait out with everyone while Louis was in the bathroom. They were all looking at each other in horror. I could hear soft whispers, but I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying. Not until James looked directly at me and asked “How is he really?”

I let out a soft sigh and stepped closer to them so I could be sure that Louis wouldn’t be able to hear me. “Bad. Really bad. He needed more than three hundred stitched. The doctors didn’t tell him all the details of what happened. He was in surgery for almost three hours, just to get the bleeding to stop and stitch him back together. He almost died. Don’t tell him this, but if he hadn’t got to us when he did he would have bled out. And now he’s not allowed to walk. It’s only temporary, just for a few more weeks. But while he’s still hurt like this he isn’t allowed to move much because he could rip his stitches. And since he got out of the hospital, he has nightmares, almost every night. He freezes right up but he screams. We can’t ever wake him up and he doesn’t seem to remember them. But he has them at least once every single night and I can’t do anything about it. 

Please, I know that none of you want to talk. But he is really sick right now. More than he even knows. He is your friend. He used to be...when he was young he was so bright. He was like the sun. But now, sometimes it’s like he’s not even there. Even before he was hurt he had issues. Like, I don’t know if he had told you but we had been dating. The first time I kissed him he had a panic attack. He couldn’t do anything with me. And then, about four months after we got together, we...we, um, he initiated sex. The first day in the hospital he told me that he didn’t even like sex and he didn’t understand why it was bad that I fucked him when he didn’t want to, even though he told me I could. 

Carl took an already vulnerable boy and he took advantage of him. Carl fucked him up so bad and I don’t know if he’s ever going to be okay. But maybe if he got some sort of justice it could help. So please, he really needs this.” It was at that time that I heard Louis call my name. “Don’t tell him what I said. Just think about it.”

***

Harry set me back in my chair. Everyone looked different. Sadder. I didn’t question it. I had only just collected myself, if I asked I might fall apart. “So...how have you guys been?”

April, a sixteen year old girl who looked far too old for her age shrugged. “We’re fine. It’s pretty comfortable here. We’re not really allowed outside but we have more channels here than we did there and they brought us a lot of books.”

“That’s good. Apparently I’ve been totally in the dark on pretty much everything. Been spending the last few days catching up on movies and TV. This one” I pointed at Harry “Is trying to fill me in, but he’s into indie shit and old stuff so he’s terrible.” Of course I didn’t mind that at all. I love his music. He knows the teasing is all in good fun, you can tell with the little smile on his perfect face.

It was nice for another twenty minutes or so. We joked and laughed like normal, except less perverted for Harry’s sake. But by then my eyes were starting to droop just a little. I took pain killers right before we left, so we’re getting to the point where I get ridiculously tired. Harry definitely noticed. “Okay, well, I think we had better go. Lou’s medicine makes him tired.”

There more shoulder and arm pats, this time just a bit less hesitant than before. I couldn’t help but notice that Jonah never got rid of that sad look in his eyes. In the ten months that I had known him he had always looked a little sad, but he was good at hiding it. No one commented so he never said why. He never really said anything, really. Just some basic stuff. Nothing that mattered. Jonah walked Harry and I out, the rest of them going back to whatever they had been doing before since you can’t fit eleven people in such a tiny space. The closer we got to leaving the more upset he looked. “Jonah, are you okay?”

“Can I talk to you?”

I nodded. “Harry, can you give us a little privacy?”

“Yeah, sure. I’ll be right outside. Just open the door when you need me.”

He stepped outside, probably waiting right outside the door. “What’s going on?”

He shrugged. “I just...I’m really sorry. About everything that has happened to you. And I’m really sorry that I haven’t talked.”

“It’s okay, I’m going to get better soon. And I’m not mad at you for not wanting to talk.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I do. I know that he’s a bad person. But I really can’t.”

“It’s okay. I was just hoping that one of you would be able to come forward. I understand.”

“N-no you don’t. You don’t get it. If I go out there people will find me. That can’t happen.”

“Who?”

He was getting more and more upset by the second. “My mom. Or, well, probably her boyfriend.”

“Why can’t they find you?” I doubt that he’s ever told anyone about this with the way he’s freaking out right now. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But I’m here to listen.”

He took me up on my offer, sitting down on the floor in front of me. “My mom is a drug addict. I don’t think she really knows who I am anymore. In the last few years she just stopped recognizing me. She’s been with this guy for like, five years. He’s a drug dealer, that’s why she’s with him. She gets drugs in exchange for sex. But she...she wasn’t enough for him, I guess. He started touching me when I was twelve.” God, that’s so young. Practically a baby. Too young for anyone to even think about him like that without being absolute filth. “Then, um, when I was thirteen he started letting his friends touch me too. They’d pay him to fuck me. After a little while it moved from his crack house to the streets. He’d drop me off every morning and pick me up every night and if I didn’t make enough money he would beat me.”

Jonah is small for his age, probably because he was beaten and likely deprived of nutrients all through puberty. He looks young too. Way younger than sixteen. I can’t imagine anyone ever wanting to hurt him. He’s a child. A child who never got to be a child. “Carl found me and took me away from that. He promised that he would keep me safe. I haven’t seen my mom or her boyfriend since. But now Carl is gone and if I go out and testify, she’s going to be contacted. Or at the very least someone is going to read my name in the paper or see it on TV and he will find me. He’s gonna kill me, Louis.”

He’s got tears starting to fall from my eyes now. “Hey, come here, baby. Come on.”

I gestured for him to come up into my lap. “But you’re hurt.”

“No, it’s okay. Long as you’re on the front of my legs I’m fine. Now come here, you need a cuddle.” He didn’t protest after that, curling up in my lap. It hurt a load, but I could deal with it. Besides, who knows when the last time someone held him just for the sake of holding him was. He deserves whatever bit of comfort I can give him. “Listen to me, okay? You are not a bad person. You are a boy who lost his childhood and you are scared. That’s okay. It’s okay to be scared. And if you need to not talk then that’s okay. You are allowed to need things. And once this is all over, I will make sure that you are kept safe. And I don’t mean Carl’s kind of safety. No one will be allowed to touch you without your permission. You are going to go to school. And you are going to learn who you are. And one day you are going to grow up and you are going to have a real job and real friends and no one will ever be allowed to hurt you like that again.”

I found myself quoting Harry and Niall just a little, since what they said works perfectly in this situation too. “Louis? Can I tell you something else?”

“Of course.”

“Carl is a really bad person.”

“I know.”

“He touched me. All the time. Sometimes he...he made me have sex with him.”

I didn’t know how to react to that. When I came to work there I was told that sex with Carl would be a one time thing. Just a test. But for Jonah it was so much worse. “I’m so sorry, baby. You didn’t deserve that. You...do you understand that that was rape?”

He paused. “I didn’t. Not before today. But I get it now.” Of course he didn’t know. I didn’t know what any sort of rape was until I was fourteen in health class. I didn’t learn the actual facts until about a week ago. Jonah didn’t get the chance to learn that. When he was fourteen he had already been forced into prostitution. “I thought it was just part of my job, to let him fuck me. I didn’t know I was just the only one.”

“No, baby. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry he did that to you.”

I let him cry himself out and I did my best to comfort him, rubbing his back gently. When he had run out of tears and was just whimpering softly he spoke shakily. “I really want to help.”

“I know, you don’t have to.”

“But I really want to. Do you think that maybe there’s any way that I could do it without anyone knowing who I am?”

“Well...I don’t know much about this stuff. But I’ll talk to the officers in charge of the cases. They’ll know. I’m sure that we can make it so your name won’t be published anywhere, since you’re underage. And if you explained the situation I’m sure that they wouldn’t be able to contact anyone.”

“I want to help.”

“I know. But you deserve justice too, yeah? Carl hurt you, probably the worst out of all of us. He needs to go away for this. I will do everything I can to make that happen.”

“If I can do this without my name being out there, then I will. I will testify. But I’m going to talk to them too, okay? I want them to testify too.”

“Me too. But you need to take care of yourself too, okay? It’s okay for you to put yourself first, especially when you’ve been hurt.” He nodded, giving one last sniffle and whipped his eyes. “I think I need to go now. I want to stay with you, but like Harry said, I’m really tired. I know that you’ve got a phone here and you’ve got Harry’s number. You call there if you need me. I’m usually pretty close by to him, so he’ll tell me and I will do everything I can to help, even if all you need is someone to listen.”

He climbed out of my lap and stood on slightly unsteady feet. “Thank you, Louis.”

“No problem, baby.” I opened up the door and Harry quickly reentered the room. He picked me up like I weighed next to nothing. “I’ll see you soon, okay? Take care of yourself.”

Just as it went this morning when I was put in the car, he placed me in the front seat with gentle hands. Harry even insisted on buckling my seatbelt for me before running back to grab my chair. It was only quiet for the first ten seconds or so before he spoke. “So what did he want?”

“Just to talk.” I thought it best to not tell Harry exactly what Jonah had told me. They don’t really know each other so I felt like I would be betraying his trust. “He wants to talk to the police, but he’s really scared. Do you think it’s possible for him to go on the stand without having his name published?”

“Sure. Since he’s a kid it should be possible. Is he okay?”

I shook my head. “Not really. He had a really rough life. I don’t think he’s ever told anyone about it, other than me. He never got the chance to be a kid. Had to grow up too fast. I think he really needs someone to take care of him.”

“Makes sense. But Louis...you know you can’t be really be the person he needs, right? You need to take care of yourself first. You can be there for him, but you can’t parent him”

“I know. I can’t really take care of someone else if I can’t take care of myself. I just want him to be safe. Have a chance to grow up properly. Even if I can’t take care of him, I would still like to be there for him. Make sure that wherever he goes that he’ll be okay.”

“Of course, babe. Of course you can do that.”

“I told him that if he needed someone, he could call you so you could tell me. Is that okay?”

“Sure, of course. You know, we should really get you your own phone. Since you won’t be stuck in the apartment all day soon.”

“That’s probably a good idea.”

He pulled into his parking spot at the building, grabbing my chair quick and helping me into it. “That was really brave of you to do, you know that? I know it must have been hard for you. You’ve got to be exhausted.”

When we got into the apartment, all was quiet. Zayn is still at work and I suppose that Niall and Liam have finished up. I expected for Harry to lift me onto the couch, but he didn’t. He kept pushing me towards his room. “Harry, stop. I’m not ready to…”

“That’s not what’s happening right now, babe. I don’t expect you to want to do that for a good long while. But I think that you could use a proper rest in a proper bed. The couch is decent, but it must be a little hard on your back.”

We entered his room and he lifted me onto his bed, tucking me snuggly under the blankets. The last time and the only time I was in here was a horrendous time for me, so I never noticed how cozy his bed actually is. And how his comforting scent surrounds me completely. He was about to leave, but I caught his wrist in my hand. “Can you stay? I know it’s weird and you probably don’t want to but…”

“Of course.”

As strange as it is to say, when I curled himself up flush against my body, arm around my waist, it was the most intimate position I have ever found myself in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope that you guys enjoyed this chapter! I'd love to know what you thought!  
> Just so you guys know, I'm getting close to my finals and I'm a bit busy with projects, so don't be too mad if updates are a little delayed. Less than a month until I'll have plenty of time to write and update!  
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	10. Chapter 10

A week later Jonah called. He told me that he’s talked to everyone. He told them what Carl did to him. He will be talking in the case. So will James. And Caroline. Together the four of us will be enough. With us and the evidence we have a real case. We will be speaking in front of the court and if all goes well, Carl will be behind bars.

A week and a half later I’m allowed to walk a little. I’m still rather weak since I haven’t used much muscle for about three weeks, so I can only stand for a couple minutes at a time. But at least no one needs to carry me around anymore. Harry still does, though. Picks me up and carts me around everywhere. I don’t mind at all. I kind of like it if I’m being completely honest.

Two weeks later I have my first meeting with my lawyer, for both cases. I am ridiculously nervous. I can assume that if he was willing to take my case that he more or less is on my side. But just because he wants a pimp out of the business it doesn’t mean that he won’t hate me for being a prostitute. 

Liam is taking me, because the others all have class right now. I decided that I want to walk myself in there instead of letting myself be wheeled in. The wheelchair makes me feel small and weak. I know that wheelchairs bring freedom for thousands of people, but I can walk now. So I might as well use that if it will help me feel a bit more brave.

I was directed back to his office. Liam will be waiting at the front of the building for me. Mr. Randall, the lawyer who was appointed to me, was in his office when I got there. He looked nice enough. He looks to be in his early forties. He’s got sandy blond hair slicked back. Pale skin and barely wrinkles, a mix of laugh and worry lines. He shook my hand and unlike every other person I have seen over the last few weeks, He hardly seemed to notice the still healing cut across my neck or the yellowed bruising around my wrists. He just smiled a tired smile “Hi, you must be Mr. Tomlinson. I’m your lawyer, Mr. Randall.”

“Call me Louis, please.” I hate being addressed to me by only my last name. He was Mr. Tomlinson, I am Louis.

He nodded. “Alright, Louis. Sit down, let’s get started.” I did. The seats were a little more comfortable than I thought they would be. Thank god. “I saw photos of your injuries. How is your recovery going?”

“Well, I am allowed to walk now. It still hurts a lot. I still have to take pills. But I’m supposed to be able to get all my stitches out in a couple days. Doctors say that there shouldn’t be too much scarring, but I’m really only worried about this one” I gestured to my neck “since I can’t hide it.”

“Have you heard anything about the person who did that to you?” I shook my head. Of course I haven’t. “Well, Louis, a man was arrested two days ago for soliciting a prostitute. He matches the images from the security camera. He has the tattoo you described. A sample of his DNA was taken and it was a match. We found him. His name is Thomas Bradshaw. His DNA is enough to arrest him. We just need to build a case against him.”

I didn’t know what to think. What to do. He’s off the streets, but he was about to do it again. He was about to pick someone else up. When a person does this to another person they will definitely do it again. And he was about to. I didn’t notice that I had started to cry until he was pushing a box of tissues towards me. “S-sorry.”

“It’s okay. You can take a moment.” I did. He waited until I had stopped and had whipped away all my tears before speaking again. “I know that you’re probably overwhelmed right now, and I know that you’ve gone over this what feels like a million times, but I need you to go over exactly what happened that night. You can’t leave out a single detail. Can you do that?” I nodded. “Okay. What happened in your day before he arrived?”

I remember that it had been a rather average day. “I was working all day. Oral sex with three people, sex with five.”

“What were those people like?”

“Normal.” I shrugged. “Nothing violent or kinky about them.”

“What is the process for a client paying for your services?”

“They come to the front desk in the building. They ask for what they want. Some people have specific things that they want so they need specific people for that. But most of the time it’s just whoever is free. Or whoever the client requests. Then they pay for what they want and they go up to our rooms.”

“You said that some people have specific wants. Is there anything that you do specifically?”

“I, um, I’m the boy who people are allowed to use sex toys with or do kinky things with.”

“Why do you do that while others don’t?”

“Money. I get more money for this.”

“What did this client pay for?”

“He rented me for two hours. That means he could do basically anything he wanted to me.”

“Even hit you?” He asked, as if it were absurd. To me, it wasn’t. It was almost a mundane act for me, to be slapped.

“Yes.” I nodded.

“Now, I need you to go through what he did with you. Start at the beginning.”

It feels like I’ve gone through this hundreds of times. Really, this is probably only the fifth. But it doesn’t ever feel easier. “First it was just regular sex. Missionary, then he had me get on top.”

“Did you ejaculate?”

“Yes, I did. I usually do when it’s just regular sex.”

“What happened next?”

“He used a dildo on me for a few minutes until I was hard again. Then he tied me up, wrists and ankles tied to the posts at the head of the bed so I was sort of folded in half. And he gagged me.”

“Remind me again of the security precautions put in place for if a client does something not allowed.”

“There’s a button behind the bedside table. If I press that someone will come. Or if I yell for help someone will come.”

“Have you used those methods before?”

I nodded. “Many times. Someone comes to help every time.”

“But since you were unable to move or speak, what security could you use?

Basically, nothing. “When he was gone I could ban him. But that’s it.”

“Continue.”

“He left it in and then he started spanking me.”

“Do clients often spank you?”

“Yes. But usually not when I have a sex toy in me.”

“How many times?”

“I don’t know. At least thirty times, I think..”

“What next?”

“He got out the whip. I have forty cuts, so he probably hit me forty times.”

“So you were bleeding, yes?”

“Yes.”

“How badly?”

“I don’t really know. But at the time it felt like I was dying. And according to doctors, I basically was. And I guess when he was whipping me was also when he broke my rib”

“What next?”

“He had a ruler. I don’t know how he got it in. But he hit my, um, he hit my penis with it a few times.”

“Are there security checks on clients before they enter? So that they can’t bring anything like that in?”

“Yeah. But I haven’t ever seen them happen since I’m always upstairs. And there had been a couple of times when things have gotten in anyway.” Things like the lighter I had mentioned before.

“Continue.”

“He took out the dildo and got a vibrator instead. The largest and strongest one I had in the room. Then he put another one in. He, uh, he didn’t use any lubrication with either of them and he didn’t try and prep me at all.”

“Can you explain why the fact that he didn’t do those things was harmful?”

“Well, um, anal sex isn’t like vaginal sex. There’s no natural lubrication, so you have to use some for comfort. Hurts if you don’t. And it doesn’t stretch itself out. So you have to do that yourself. If you don’t then there can be tearing. Especially with larger or multiple objects. I had prepped myself earlier that day, but not enough for what he did. That’s why I was bleeding. Anyway, he just watched me for awhile. I don’t know how long for because I couldn’t turn my head to look at the clock. He just sat there, smiling at me and masturbating. After a really long time he had sex with me again, while those things were still in me.”

“Did he use a condom?”

“No. He crinkled the packet so I thought he was. I didn’t find out until he ejaculated in me.”

“Do you ever have sex with clients without contraception?”

“Never. I have oral sex without one But it’s a rule that they have to use a condom, they’re told that when they arrive. He knew that.”

“So he tricked you into thinking he was using one, but he didn’t.”

“Yeah.”

“What happened after that?”

“He took the vibrators out of me and he untied me and took the gag out. Then he kissed me. That’s another rule, they can’t kiss us. But he did. Then he left.”

“What did you do after that?”

“I don’t remember, but I was told what happened. I know that I stayed conscious. I walked to my friend’s apartment and right after one of them opened the door, I passed out. They called an ambulance I was taken to the hospital. I needed over three hundred stitches and I had a lot of bruising and a broken rib.”

“You have mentioned that there are rules about what clients can and cannot do. Would you mind saying what they are?”

“They can’t kiss me, they need to use condoms, and they can’t do anything that causes permanent damage like breaking bones. Scars don’t count, though. And they’re supposed to ask if they want to do anything different.”

“So you do consent to sex. But do you ever consent to breaking those rules?”

“No. Never. No matter how much they pay, if they do those things they can’t come back.”

“So this man obviously assaulted you. But do you feel that he raped you?”

I thought. And I thought. And I didn’t have a clue. “I don’t really know. I mean, I sex with pretty much anyone who wants to. But if I had known that he wasn’t going to use a condom I would have said no. And I don’t like being whipped. It hurts really bad. And I have a lot of scars from it happening in the past, all over my back. If I weren’t a prostitute I would never do it.”

“I believe that it does count. Simply because you did not consent to sex without a condom.”

“Oh. Okay.”

I guess maybe that might help my case. “If you’re alright with continuing, I would like to switch focus. Can we talk to how you got into the business?”

“I was sixteen, broke, hungry, and homeless. He promised me safety and money.”

“Go back further. What was happening before all of this?”

I didn’t know that I would have to talk about that. I thought it would be just what happened since I got here. I wasn’t supposed to have to do this. But I have to. I don’t get a choice. If I want Carl to go away I have to. “My mom died when I was fourteen. And my dad didn’t really deal with it. He started drinking after a while. He was an alcoholic. And when I was sixteen he started to rape me. He kept doing that for about six months. Then I got sick of it. So I ran away. I packed a bag, stole some money from my dad, and bought a train ticket. I came to London. I stayed in a cheap motel for a few weeks but I was running out of money. I didn’t have enough money to stay in the motel for much longer and I could only afford to eat maybe once a day. So when a man came up to me when I was eating in a pub and offered me money in exchange for oral sex, I did it. And he must have told some people because more guys asked for the same. And I kept doing it. I had to. I guess I stole some of Carl’s clients because he found me. I thought he was going to hurt me, but he didn’t. He offered me a place to live. Food. Clothes. Money. The only thing was that ninety percent of what I made went to him, but it also covered stuff he got for me. I was so desperate I had to say yes. It seemed great when I first got there. The building was really nice. The bed was ridiculously comfortable. I had my own room and bathroom. There was security. And the people were really nice. So kind to me. It was okay.”

“So he just took you in on the spot.”

I shook my head. “No. Carl had to test me first. He had sex with me to make sure that I could handle customers.”

“So you were sixteen and he was in charge of your safety, housing, and income, and he had sex with you.”

“Yes.”

“Did that bother you?”

“Not at the time. I was desperate. I mean, people in porn usually have to have sex with someone in the industry to get the job. But he knew I was sixteen, he asked me how old I was when we met. And it was sex in exchange for safety so that does make it wrong. I was fine with it for me, but it bothered me once I saw it happening with other kids.”

“Did you enjoy the work?”

“No. Not at all. I hate it so much. But no one would hire me. I’m twenty two and I never went to college and I’m not in university. I needed to save up money before I could leave.”

“How do you think that your job impacted you?”

“Well, like I said, I’ve got scars everywhere. So even though I’m out of the business I’ll have to tell everyone who ever sees me with my top off.”

“Aside from the man who do this specifically to you, what have other clients done to you?”

“Lots of spanking. Which isn’t bad compared to other things, but I never enjoy it. Some people use the whip, which is where most of my scars are from. I have been choked, which isn’t allowed since it’s so dangerous. One guy had a lighter and he burned my back. I’ve had multiple objects shoved inside me before, so the security guys have had to stitch me up down there. Stuff like that.

“What about your general physical health?”

“Carl said I had to be skinny. He said it made me prettier. So I couldn’t eat too much. He gave me food but not much. So I’m still trying to gain back some weight.”

“What about mentally?”

“I’m...I’m depressed. I haven’t seen a therapist so I’m not professionally diagnosed, but I know that I am.”

“Have you ever thought about killing yourself.”

I shrugged. “Not really. I mean, I have. I wanted out so of course I have. But I have never thought about how I would actually do it.”

“Anything else?”

“I have nightmares sometimes. Carl is in them a lot. And I’ve had panic attacks.”

“Do you think that what you had to do will impact you in the future?”

“Of course. I, um, I lost five years of my life. I have to go back to school to do something that sixteen year olds do when I should be nearly done with university. I know that people will always judge me for what I did. Everyone will think that I’m disgusting. And I can’t have a relationship. I tried to date a boy recently. The first time he kissed me was the first time I had a panic attack. I forgot where I was and who I was with and I freaked out. But anyway, I couldn’t date him properly because I only got a day off every week so it wasn’t like I could have proper date nights or move in with him or meet his friends. But once a month we got time alone together. And I couldn’t have sex with him. I could get him off and I could kiss him if it was just really tender. After four months I decided that I had to have sex with him to keep him happy, and I couldn’t enjoy it. I spent the entire time trying not to think about it. I made myself pretend that he was a client because that was easier. It’s easier for me when it’s just sex because I’m a body. Relationship sex is different because then it’s just me that they want. And they’ll want to talk to me and see me again. I can’t do that. That night we went out and one of my clients saw me and broke my cover. The boy I was with flipped out and kicked me out.”

“Have you seen the person since?”

“The boy I was dating? Yeah. Actually he was my childhood best friend. I was reunited with him and my three other best friends and a few months later we got together. It was their apartment that I went to for help, since they’re the only people I have in this city who like me. We talked about it and we are just going to stay friends, since I’m kind of sick in the head and I wouldn’t be able to deal with it properly.”

“Why do you want Carl to go to prison?”

“Because he takes kids and he ruins them. It wouldn’t be that bad if he really kept them safe, like he promised. But the fact that I couldn’t even use the security half the time just proves that he just wants money. And you know, we don’t even get the money he promises. He says he’ll buy us clothes but he doesn’t. If it’s our day off then we don’t get food from him. And he won’t pay for lube or medicine and usually toiletries. So the little money I got, I had to spend most of it. He stole my money to keep me working for him. I know that I can’t expect to have been treated normally in that industry. But I don’t want him to take advantage of any other kids like he took advantage of me.”

“I think that’s enough for now. I’ll be talking to the other witnesses and I’ll contact you again soon. Take care of yourself, Louis. The court date for the Carl case is May twelfth. The Bradshaw date is May twenty eighth.”

It’s a few months away, but it still feels so close. Especially since they’re only a couple weeks apart. “Thank you.”

I shook his hand and walked out. Liam was waiting for me in the waiting room, exactly as I knew he would be. He put an arm around my waist (sort of supporting my weight since I kind of felt like I was going to pass out) and walked me outside. “How did it go?”

“Good.” I managed a small smiled. “He was really nice.”

“You feel alright then?”

I shrugged. “A little tired, but fine. Could use a nap and a painkiller.”

“We’ll get that for you when we get home. So what happened?”

“Well, they found him. The guy who did all of this.” I gestured to myself, meaning each little mark.. “There’s enough evidence to convict him, as long as we can get the jury on our side.”

“I’m sure you will.”

He helped me into the car and got around to the other side, getting in, buckling up, and driving off. “I hope so. So how are you? We haven’t really talked much since...you know.” Since I got back. We haven’t been alone at all since I got back. Which sucks because we’re really good friends and I love talking to just him.

“I’m good. My classes are going well, my job is pretty good, Niall and I are really happy together. I’m doing good.”

“You know, you and Niall are sort of perfect together.”

A soft smile on his face. Just the thought of Niall bringing him joy. “Yeah, I know. He’s so perfect.”

“I still don’t know how my gaydar can be that broken. Everyone but Zayn is gay and I had no idea.”

He laughed. “Actually, Zayn is bi. Your gaydar is broken.”

“Shit, really? So we’re just a big old group of non-heterosexuals.”

“I guess. But I mean, you’re the only one of us who was flamboyant about it.”

“Very true. I stuck right to the stereotype. You guys are all ridiculously manly and I’m tiny and girly.”

“You are not girly. You’re small and you’re kinda cute, but that’s not bad. You’re fine.”

It was quiet for a second. “So...you think I’m cute?”

He laughed on of those laughs that you do when you’re embarrassed. “Well I mean you’re not...you’re not exactly ugly. You are pretty good looking. I wouldn’t...I’m not attracted to you or anything cause I mean, I’m with Niall. And I love him. And when people love their boyfriend do not look at anyone in a sexual manner ever.” He rambled.

“Relax, Liam. You know I was joking. You’re pretty hot, but you’re my friend. I’d rather beat you at fifa than go anywhere near your dick.”

“Same.”

“Good. Look, I’m really sorry that I haven’t been able to leave the apartment. I know you haven’t been able to have any alone time lately.”

“Louis…” He paused as if thinking about whether or not he should say what he wanted to say. “Even before you came back we lived with two other guys. We don’t get many nights alone. We’ve gotten really good and keeping what we do a secret. I mean, alone time is great. But we’re fine.”

“Oh. Good to know. Guess I don’t feel guilty anymore.”

“You really shouldn’t. Hey, how are things going with you and Harry?”

I can’t blame him for wanting to know. We’re both his good friends and he wants both of us to be happy. “Nothing is happening.”

“I know that. But how are you feeling about things? I know he isn’t exactly hiding the fact that he likes you.”

He certainly wasn’t. He looks at me too much for him to be okay with being just my friend. “I know he likes me. But the thing is, I don’t really know what about me he likes. He said he had a crush on me since he was twelve, you know that? So sometimes it feels like he wants who I was when I was sixteen. And other times it feels like he wants me just because I wasn’t there for so long and he wants to make me stay. And other times it feels like he just likes me because he needs someone to look after and protect. He wants to date those parts of me, not who I really am. I guess I just don’t know who I am am, so I’d rather wait until I know who I am before I let him decide whether or not he likes who I am. Because with how fucked up I am, who I become might not be someone he’ll like. Even if he did like all of me, it wouldn’t be fair of me to date him when I can’t commit.”

He nodded, keeping his eyes on the road. “I get it, yeah? We all know that you’re sort of sick. It probably isn’t healthy for you to be investing in other people over yourself right now. Just...don’t let him keep his hopes up too high.”

“I really like him.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want to keep hurting him.”

“You aren’t doing it on purpose. You need to take care of yourself first. You shouldn’t feel guilty for that.”

“That’s pretty much the exact same thing as what Niall told me about all of this.”

“Huh. Maybe we should drop the whole music couple thing and before a therapist duo instead.”

“Nah, you’d be shit at that. You’d get way too emotionally invested.”

“You’re probably right about that.” About a minute later, after a comfortable silence, Liam pulled into his parking spot and turned off the engine. “Now come on, let’s get you inside and get some drugs in you.”

That was probably the best thing I’ve heard all day. I guess that more time has passed than I had thought, since we had left because the boys were already home when we got there, watching some football game with beers in their hands. A few empty bottles were on the table as well. They took one look at me (practically being carried by Liam) and stood up, grabbing bottles and taking them to the kitchen. “Shit, sorry Louis.” Harry scrambled to get rid of the evidence. “We didn’t think you’d be home so soon. I know you don’t like…”

I smiled, completely falsely but trying to settle his panic. “It’s fine, Harry. You don’t have to get rid of it just because I’m here.” I had mentioned to them a few months ago that I didn’t like alcohol because of what it made my dad do. “Have fun. But do you mind if I use one of your rooms while you do?”

All the same, he took everyone’s bottles and set them on the counter. “Don’t worry about it, babe. It’s not a problem.” He came up behind me and hugged me, putting his arms very lightly around my waist. Something he has done many times before. “Do you want to come play some fifa or something?”

“I’m kind of tired after everything, actually.” And then I got a whiff of his breath. He smells exactly like dad, only the scent was slightly less potent. I haven’t...Harry is the first person to touch me who smelled like that since him. “H-Harry let go of me. You smell like him.”

He let go of me immediately and backed off a couple steps. “Shit, I’m so sorry. Are you okay?”

I took a few deep breaths of the fresher air. Willing away the impending panic. Thank god, it worked well enough. “Fine. But I really am tired. The meeting was exhausting.”

“Of course. You can take my room.”

I nodded, taking my pills quick and rushing off to his room. I’ve lived here for almost a month and yet I’ve only ever been in Harry’s room. I don’t really want to be in Niall and Liam’s room because I get a feeling that it would probably smell like sex. As much as I love them that isn’t something I want to sleep around anymore. I don’t know why I haven’t been in Zayn’s room. But I think that Harry’s room is probably my favourite place in the world. Even if Harry and my relationship causes me ridiculous amounts of confusion, I find peace in the place where I am surrounded by nothing but him.

As I fall asleep with the pills beginning to make me feel a little bit numb, the last thing I think is that the man who hurt me has been caught. If I can make my case he will probably go to jail. The only problem is that I am a prostitute. And who the hell believes that a prostitute isn’t asking for it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Be sure to comment and let me know what you thought.
> 
> The 5sos boys will be entering in the next chapter. They aren't exactly main characters, but they will be important to the story. I hope I do them justice!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	11. Chapter 11

The case is going really well so far. I’ve met with Mr. Randall several more times, each meeting slightly more stressful than the last. He says that he’s trying to prepare me for anything in court, but it feels like I’m being attacked even though I know that I’m not. I can’t really blame him for wanting to make sure I can answer questions for a case that we absolutely have to win.

I’ve also seen everyone from the house a few more times. The ones who will speak have basically the same experiences as I do with Randall, so they can sympathize. Except they only have one case to take the stand on. I have two, one in which I am the only victim.

I don’t know exactly how I feel about everything that has happened. Perhaps I feel everything. Perhaps nothing. All I know is that I need to get my shit together and man up. Take everything I have to do and just do it. Like I’m supposed to. Like a normal person would.

Now that I have all of my stitches out and I am able to stand and walk for much longer periods of time (I’ve even taken to joining Liam on his morning jogs, just for something to do) I’ve decided to start applying for jobs. I can’t imagine that many places would want to hire me. I don’t exactly have many skills to offer. I almost took the boys offers of getting me hired at the different places they work, but just once I want to do something by myself.

First thing I did once my bank account was finally unfrozen was get myself a phone. It wasn’t the latest model, but it works for everything I need it for. The very next day, I printed off a couple dozen resumes and I left around noon. The boys all offered to come with me, but how silly would it look for a grown man to need a friend to come with him. No one would hire me.

Most places weren’t hiring, or so they told me. Even though I’ve never been on a job hunt before, I still know that ‘nothing is open right now, but we’ll keep your resume on file’ is code for you’ll never hear from us ever. I did get a couple smiles and I did fill out a couple of applications, but none of them seemed very promising or like a place I would want to work. They were ridiculously busy. I would rather work somewhere where I could actually breath. I mean, I know that the average person greatly dislikes their entry level jobs. But I don’t want to completely hate mine. I’ve already had one job that made my life hell, I don’t want another.

It’s four o’clock and I am exhausted. I still have more resumes left so I should keep going, but I suppose a break won’t hurt anything. I spot a frozen yogurt place and decide that that would be as good of a place as any. Surprisingly, it was empty of customers. It’s still a bit chilly out, but it’s a relatively nice spring day. You’d think that some people would be here. But it was just two boys behind the counter. Two boys who looked to be in high spirits, smiling even before they looked at me.

They were both quite tall, practically towering over me. The slightly taller and younger looking one had sort of pale skin, blond hair up in a quiff, and a lip ring. The other one had a sandier shade of blond, sort of curly or wavy hair, deep dimples, and from what I could see he had rather muscular arms. They were both quite attractive men, especially with the way they were smiling.

The muscular one came over to the ‘order here’ sign. “Hey, what can we get for you?”

I’m really not supposed to eat this stuff. Even though at home we tend to eat a lot of takeout I still try and eat as healthily as I possibly can and even though I have a sweet tooth, I usually avoid any sort of dessert. Frozen yogurt isn’t as bad as ice cream, but it’s still loaded with fat and calories. Fuck it. I’ve probably burned off everything I ate for breakfast with all the walking I’ve done. I deserve a treat. “Can I get a small cup of cake batter?”

I had it once a couple years ago on my birthday and it was absolutely delicious. It’ll probably be even better now. “Toppings?”

I should probably just leave it plain but… “Oreos, cookie dough, brownies, and a little bit of caramel sauce.”

The guy snorted softly. “Bit of a sugar rush, huh?” I couldn’t help but blush a little. That is a lot of sugar. It’s going to go straight to my hips. I really shouldn’t. “Relax, babe. I’m just teasing.”

With those words, especially one, I was blushing even harder. “Sort of a cheat day, I guess.”

“Well you certainly deserve it.”

I couldn’t help but notice how his gaze quickly trailed down my body and back up to my face. “Leave the boy alone, Ash.” The other one came over and swatted Ash on the shoulder. “Don’t mind him, he’s useless around attractive people.”

God damn it. Can they let me go a second without blushing? “Right...how much is it?”

I paid quickly and sat down at a little table off to the side of the shop. I could take this to go, but despite the fact that I’ve healed completely, I still get sore and tired and my muscles are aching after being up and moving for so many hours. Sitting feels excellent. I checked my phone, answering a couple texts from the boys. I haven’t downloaded any games yet so there isn’t much for me to do while I eat.

After a couple minute of me just sort of looking at my phone, pretending I was doing something and wasn’t a complete loser, wavy haired muscular Ash came over to a table near mine with a spray bottle and a cloth and started wiping at it, even though it looked completely spotless.

While I’ve been here only one other girl came in. I could hear her giggle a little when the taller one took her order. Flirting with customers must be a thing here. “How’s your yogurt?”

I jumped, not expecting Ash to be at my table. I had been a little lost in my own head. “Probably one of the best things I’ve had in years.”

“You seem sweet enough without all that sugar.” Of course that was punctuated with a wink.

I had absolutely no choice but to change the subject or else I would be a blushing, slightly panicky mess. “Is it always so quiet here?”

He shrugged. “It’s a bit busier on weekends. But yeah, this is pretty normal for a Tuesday.”

Sounds like the kind of place I might like working at. “You’re not hiring, are you?”

“Well,” He pulled out the chair across from me and took a seat. This place must be ridiculously relaxed if he’s allowed to do that. “Not technically. But you seem like the type our boss might hire.”

“What type?”

He smirked, his dimples becoming visible. “A cute boy.” Does he have to keep doing that? I already bought my food, no need to keep up the act. “Apparently having a load of attractive teenagers flirting with pretty much everyone who comes through the door gets us a lot of repeat customers and positive reviews. You know, if you were to leave me your resume I could put in a good word for you. You’d be pretty much guaranteed a job here. If you want one here, that is. I assumed you did.”

“Yeah, this seems like a good place.”

“It really is. It’s relaxed and we get free yogurt.”

I can’t say that I’m used to people doing nice things for me, especially not strangers. “Why would you do that for me? You don’t know me.”

“Well, you seem pretty cool. And like I said, you’re cute. And we could always use another guy. Unless you’re secretly a heroin addict or a murderer you’d fit right in.”

I’m not either of those things, but I am a prostitute. So...not much better. “You’re not so bad yourself. And that would really mean alot to me. I have been handing out resumes all day and there is pretty much no one was hiring.”

“Seriously? Someone pretty as you?”

I knew I was getting into dangerous territory at this point. The flirting is moving from the friendly point to a much more serious level. You just don’t call boys pretty for no reason. So I just shrugged. “I guess most people don’t hire with your boss’ standards in mind.”

“Their loss. So it’s pretty much guaranteed that you’re going to be hired, but my boss, Melissa, is gonna want to interview you. It’s basically just going to be about getting to know you.”

I handed him my resume, which was pretty much blank aside from my volunteer experience from when I was fifteen. Hopefully Michelle isn’t picky about experience. Just then I got a text from Harry, asking how I was doing. “I should probably get going, I wasn’t really supposed to be out this long.”

He raised an eyebrow at that, but he didn’t comment. I was told by the boys that I should only go out for an hour or two. It’s been about four and a half, so I should really get home. “Yeah. Well, I guess I’ll be seeing you pretty soon....I’m sorry, I never even asked your name. I’m Ashton.”

Ashton. Not just Ash. “Louis. And yeah, I’ll see you soon.”

He touched my shoulder gently, not a tap but not a caress either, and went back behind the counter. I took my last bite of my yogurt and with a little wave, and I left.

I immediately took out my phone and texted Harry, telling him that I most likely had found a job. He responded with a whole load of emojis and the words ‘proud of you.’

I wasn’t that far from the apartment, only about a fifteen minute walk. That really wouldn’t be bad to walk everyday. As soon as I opened the door (with my own key that I had been gifted a week ago) I was pulled into Liam’s arms and lifted off the ground in a massive bear hug. “We are so proud of you!” He took me over to the couch/my bed and set me down. “So you got a job? Where at?”

He plopped down beside me. Based on the fact that no one else has swarmed me yet, I’m assuming that no one else is home yet and Harry texted Liam the news. “A frozen yogurt place, about fifteen minutes away from here. It seems like a pretty relaxed place and the guys I met who work there seem nice enough.”

“That’s great, babe. So they just hired you on the spot?”

“Not exactly. But the guy I talked to said that it was pretty much guaranteed that I was hired. The manager is going to call me to set up an interview, but Ashton said that it was just a formality. So as long as she doesn’t hate me, I’ve got the job.”

“Well, I’m sure she’ll love you. You’re rather likable. Now, you’ve got to be exhausted with all that walking. Do you need anything? Food? Pain killers?”

“No, I’m fine. I literally just had some frozen yogurt loaded with toppings fifteen minutes ago. And you know I’m trying to stop taking those.”

I don’t like how they make me feel. And even though I’m sore, it’s really not bad enough to need pills to help me deal with it. “Okay, fine. Harry said that he’s cooking tonight anyway. But you’ve got to be tired, yeah? Why don’t you have a nap until everyone else gets here. I’ll be in my room if you need me.”

Now that he mentions it, I am tired. Really tired. I was just too excited to realize it before, but now it’s hitting me. So after he left I grabbed my blankets and pillow from the closet where I keep them and set them up. I was asleep within seconds.

I was awoken who knows how long later to fingers carding through my hair. “Wake up, darling.” Only one person usually calls me that. Harry’s home. “Food is ready so you’ve got to wake up.”

“I’ll get up if you carry me to the table.”

I didn’t expect him to actually do it. But I should have known that he would. He seems to take every excuse to remind me that he can carry my weight without difficulty. He lifted me up with a little squeal from me and took me into the kitchen where the boys had already started to dig in. They laughed a little when they saw me, so quietly that they probably thought I couldn’t hear them. But I did. “Shut up you dicks.”

And they did. They didn’t tease me, they just moved on. I really wasn’t bothered by it, it was just a little embarrassing. He usually only does it when it’s just the two of us here so the three of them don’t really see that. I don’t like them looking at me like I’m some tiny delicate little thing.

Conversation picked up again quickly, thank god. And again the topic of my probable job came up. It was a whole lot more of ‘we’re proud of you, Lou’ and ‘where is it?’ I was happy to answer, still excited over my first real job. Most people get theirs when they’re around fifteen or sixteen. I’m a late bloomer at twenty two, so it was extra exciting.

At a very coincidental time I felt my phone buzzing in my pocket. There is a very limited amount of people who have my number and four of them are here with me so…

I rushed out of the room for a bit of privacy and answered. “Hello, Louis Tomlinson speaking.”

I cringed at my attempt of professionalism. “Hi, Louis. This is Melissa from The Twist. I just got your resume from Ashton. He seems to think that you would be a great addition to our team. I’d like to set up an interview with you, if you’re still interested. Would you be free tomorrow at one?”

I nodded before realizing how stupid that was “Absolutely. I’ll be there.”

“Great, I’ll see you tomorrow. Goodbye.”

“Bye.”

Her voice was light and she sounded rather cheerful. I just hope that she matches the sound of her voice, because if she does I shouldn’t be too nervous. I took a breath and went back into the kitchen. They were all looking rather inquisitively at me, I hadn’t left with any sort of explanation so I don’t really blame them for doing so. “That was Melissa, from the frozen yogurt shop. I have an interview tomorrow at one.”

There was another round of congratulations to me. We sat back down to eat and it was nice. But only for about a minute before I had a major realization. “Shit, I have no clothes. What am I going to wear? I’m going to need to go shopping in the morning.”

Even now, I’m wearing Niall’s clothes. They’re closer to fitting me than the other boys clothes, but they’re still loose. How could Ashton flirt with me when I look like this? But it’s too late for me to go now, it would be at least half an hour on the tube before I got to the nearest shopping centre. I wouldn’t have nearly enough time to find something suitable. I’ll just have to wake up early and go then.

Except then Harry swallowed his bite and smiled at me. “Finish your supper and I’ll take you.”

So I finished quickly (as did he) and we were off. As soon as we got where we were headed, Harry dragged me through the shop filled building and into one so fast that I didn’t even get the chance to look at the sign to see where we were. He smiled at the young lady who greeted us and pulled me into the store, picking up articles of clothing every so often and placing them in my arms. “Harry, you don’t even know what size I am.”

He snorted in a ridiculously cute way “Yeah, actually I do. I think I know your body quite well. So this is a fairly casual place so you don’t need to be too dressed up for it.” He grabbed a couple more things and then shoved me towards the dressing room. “Try on the black jeans and the blue top first.”

I did as he asked, pulling on the clothes. I guess he was right when he said he knew my size. The jeans were tight, but I could still move in them comfortably. And the colour of the short sleeved button up looked nice on me, and I guess it sort of shows my curves a little bit.”

“Are you gonna come out and show me?”

I guess I should. There isn’t actually a mirror in here, I’m basing my judgements on what I see when I look down at myself. So I unlocked the door and stepped out to where Harry was waiting for me. He gave me a quick scan up and down my body and then smiled. “Looks good on you. Told you I knew.”

I turned to look properly in the mirror. I do look good. I can still see the not quite healed cut on my neck, but other than that I think I look nice. “You’ve got pretty good taste.”

“Yeah? Thanks. I think you could pull of anything, but you look really good in that. You think it’ll work for you?”

“For sure.”

“Good. But you know, I think it might be a good idea for you to get a couple more things. I love seeing you wearing my clothes, but you should probably have more than one outfit.”

I paused, looking back in the mirror, turning slightly to see how my ass looked in the jeans. It looks pretty great, if I do say so myself. “I have clothes. I’m just not allowed to get my stuff from the house yet.”

“I know, but still. You’re twenty one. You’re going to be doing things eventually.”

I shrugged. “I guess so.” I just sort of hate spending money when I don’t have to. But I suppose I will need something else, if I ever want to leave the apartment for something other than work.

“I was hoping you’d say that. That’s what the rest of the stuff in there is for. Stuff I thought you might like.”

He was right that I liked it. I liked everything that he picked out for me and it all looked good on me. It was all more casual options like tshirts and another pair of jeans. In the end I had several more things to wear if and when I need to leave the apartment.

I paid for the slightly expensive purchases and we left. We decided to just walk around for a couple minutes since we weren’t in a rush anymore. It hadn’t actually taken much time in that store, maybe about half an hour. I didn’t realize until we walked by a specific store that I didn’t have everything I needed. “Shit, Harry. I need to get shoes. Can you hold my bags for me please?”

I placed the two bags in his open hands and went in the store, Harry not far behind me. I have one pair of shoes and if you look closely enough, you can see a tiny bloodstain on it. Besides that, they were ratty anyway. I went into the mens section, grabbed a not too dressy pair of black shoes that would fit basically every occasion, and I was set.

I quickly paid for them and we were off. “Thanks for your help, Harry.”

“No problem, babe. It was fun watching you try on things.”

“Still, you didn’t need to.”

“No offence babe, but I don’t think you really have any idea what you actually look like. You needed me.”

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged. “Well, I mean, obviously I think you’re gorgeous. But that place kind of fucked with your head, didn’t it? You said that they wanted you to be small. But when I first saw you naked, I had to take a second so that I didn’t freak out. You’ve put on a decent amount of weight since then, but you’re still all bones. Plus it’s not like you’ve been out enough to know what’s out there in terms of fashion.”

The last part is true. Mostly I just wore plain t-shirts, sweat pants, and if I wanted to look nice I would wear jeans because a wardrobe just wasn’t something I could afford. But I know what I look like. I know that I’m small and thin. I know that you can see a few of my ribs and I know that I lack both muscle and fat. I know exactly what I look like. I had to. I had to know my body because I had to do my best to maintain my look and to take care of every bit of me. “I know what I look like. Just because you were shocked when you saw me, it doesn’t mean that I don’t understand exactly what I look like.”

He nodded as we got into the car. “I’m sorry I assumed that. Can we forget about that? I had a good time with you and I don’t want to ruin that.”

“Sure. I had a good time with you too.”

His face showed hesitation as he pulled out of his stall. “Since we both had a good time maybe we could consider this to be a…”

I knew exactly what he was about to say before he said it. He wanted it to be a date. “No. I’m sorry, but I’m still not ready for a relationship. I like you a lot, but I’m still trying to figure out basic stuff.”

“Okay, I can respect that. I was just hoping,”

I nodded. “I know. Maybe someday, but not now. Not yet.”

“Okay. So how are you feeling about tomorrow? Are you okay?”

“I think so. I mean, I don’t have any sort of experience with this sort of thing, so obviously I’m nervous about it. And I’m sure that she’s going to ask about what I’ve been doing for five years since I fell off the face of the earth for awhile, so I’m scared for that. I have no idea what I’ll say. I hate lying, but that isn’t the sort of thing you should be telling a possible future employer.”

“Maybe just don’t say anything unless she asks, yeah? But if she does ask, you’ve got a couple options. You could just say that you were doing odd jobs that you don’t have a record of, or you could tell the truth. Maybe feel her out and see if you can figure out what she would think. What to the other employees you saw look like?”

“I don’t know, there were a few tattoos I could see. One of them had a lip ring.”

“Well then she probably isn’t too picky or judgemental. You should be fine. Just go in there and be you and I’m sure you’ll get the job.”

“I sure as hell hope so.”

The next morning I awoke rather early. I didn’t need to, I was probably just so nervous that I couldn’t sleep. So instead of trying to get another couple hours of much needed sleep, I went for a run with Liam and then when everyone had left I set to cleaning the apartment. It really isn’t all that dirty, but with four busy uni boys living here the hard work is never really done. I scrubbed the floors and dusted and washed windows for a good long while before it was finally time to get myself ready to go.

I took an extremely thorough shower and meticulously styled my hair until there wasn’t the tiniest little strand out of place. I looked pretty good, if I do say so myself. Only thing that would be better is if this stupid fucking thing on my neck just went away. It’s been over a month. Why is it still so noticeable? It looks like if I just jerked my head back far enough or if I even just gently scratched at it it would rip open and bleed all over the place. If it weren’t too warm for it already, I would probably be wearing a turtleneck all the damn time. But I can’t exactly fix that right now, not even the most expensive makeup could cover it. This will have to do.

I left early so that I could walk slower. But despite how insanely small my steps were and how slothlike my pace was, I was still ten minutes early for the interview. Which really was a sort of good thing, in terms of professionalism. But my potential boss isn’t even here yet, just Ashton and another attractive man whom I have yet to meet. Ashton was sure right about there only being attractive people working here, the three of them I’ve met have been gorgeous in different ways.

As soon as I walked in, Ashton’s face seemed to light up even more than it already was and his dimples grew deeper. “Louis! Good to see you!”

“Good to see you too, mate.”

“You know, I knew Melissa was gonna hire you. But I didn’t think it would be quite so soon.”

“Well I haven’t exactly been hired yet, still have to make it through an interview.”

“I’m sure you’ll get it. I guess once you start here, the two of us are going to be spending a lot of time together.”

He winked at me and bit his lips just slightly, making my face go completely red. Does he get a kick out of this? Him and his stupid fucking eyes and his stupid fucking dimples embarrassing the shit out of me? I fucking hate it, but at the same time it’s a little flattering. I’m probably reading into this too much. He’s probably just a really flirty person by nature. He may not even know he’s doing it. I’ve just got to work on brushing it off.

The other boy, who had gorgeous dark hair and tan skin and sort of puppy dog eyes came over and threw an arm around Ashton. “You gonna introduce me to your new boy, Ash?”

I don’t know how I felt about this guy referring to me as Ashton’s. “This is Louis. Louis, this is Calum”

There wasn’t really any time for more pleasantries. A woman with a folder in her hands came out from what looks to be a back room. Based on the fact that she was back there I’m sure I can assume that this must be Melissa. She was a rather young woman, I’d say probably in her late twenties. Based on the fact that she’s got a chunk of her blonde hair dyed lavender and the couple tattoos I can see on her arm I think it’s safe to say that she can’t be too overly serious, especially for a bussiness woman. “Hi, you must be Louis. I’m Melissa. If you’re ready we can go into the backroom and get this going.”

She led me right back into the room she had just come from. The room isn’t anything special. There’s a shelving unit with a variety of boxes and containers, a large fridge, and what I assume to be a walk in freezer as well as two chairs and a small table.

I thought that the interview was going rather well. It was hardly an average interview, it felt more like a conversation between two people who are just getting to know each other. We talked about everything from food preferences to music I tried my best to look as confident as I possibly could and she seemed to like me well enough. Until the inevitable question came up. “There’s just one thing I want to know, Louis. Your resume is to be honest, quite blank. What have you been doing for the past few years?”

This is it. This is the moment that really decides everything. She seems so nice. Very open and accepting. But we’ll see about that. “Well, I didn’t get the chance to pursue an education and I wasn’t in a situation where I was able to find real employment.”

“If you wouldn’t mind, can you elaborate on that a little. You don’t have to if you can’t, I just like to try and understand my employees the best I can.”

“Okay, well, I just want to start this by saying that I’m...I am not a drug addict, I am not violent, I have never been to prison, and I am a totally dependable, normal person.” I did my best to emphasize the last one, seeing how that is really the most important point. She looked curious but also a little confused. “So, um, my dad was not a very good man. So I ran away when I was sixteen and I came to London. I was completely unprepared to do so and basically I was starving and homeless. So I took whatever offer came to me. Basically, I became a prostitute. I worked into a brothel for about five and a half years before I was finally able to get out. A month later, here I am.”

Not too much detail, but there is still the important stuff that she should know. “I’m very sorry that all that happened to you, Louis.”

That is not a reaction I was expecting. Every person who I have told this to who didn’t have any prior knowledge freaked the fuck out. Granted, Harry was the only person who I have told anything to who didn’t always know. But still. I was expecting a glare or a grimace. Not a sad smile. “You should know that I won’t judge you based on that. From what you told me, you did what you had to do to survive and I suppose I can respect that. So you’re out of that business now?”

“Absolutely. There is no way I can ever go back.”

“If you don’t mind me asking, why did you leave?”

“I got hurt. A client hurt me very badly.” I gestured to my neck. “Got a load just like this one. When I was in the hospital my friends and the police talked to me and I am in the process of pressing charges against both the man who did this and the man who owned the brothel.”

“That’s brave of you. How are the cases going?”

I shrugged. “Alright, I guess. About as good as they can be. As long as the jury is able to see me as an actual person I should be fine. Oh, I should mention that there will be a few days that if I were to be hired there would be a few days I would need to take off in May.”

“I’ll remember that. Well, Louis, I quite like you. I think you would make a nice addition to our little group. You might actually bring the crazy levels down a notch, which can’t be a bad thing. If you’d like, I can have you starting Monday.”

“That sounds excellent. Thank you so much.”

I stood as she did and shook her hand when it was presented. “As long as you do your job, there’s no reason to thank me.” I nodded. “I’ll have a uniform shirt for you here when you start. The rest of the uniform is just some sort of black bottoms and closed toe shoes. I won’t be here Monday, but Ashton will be training you so you’re in good hands. Be here to start at two.” She opened the door and we walked out. Thank god, it didn’t seem like anyone had been trying to eavesdrop. That would be sort of humiliating with what I had said. “I’ll see you boys later. Don’t break this one, Ash. I quite like him.”

“No promises.” She walked out with a cheeky wink at me. “So I take it that you’ve got the job then?”

“Yeah, I start Monday.”

“Damn, that is going to be too long without seeing your pretty face. How will I live?”

I can tell that he’s just teasing. But there was still a flirty undertone to it. “You’ll live. I’d love to stay and chat, but my roommates will be out of class pretty soon.” Based on what the clock on the wall says, the interview had lasted about forty five minutes. Longer than I thought it had been. By the time I get home, for sure Niall will be there. His classes end earlier on Wednesdays. “So I guess I’ll see you Monday. Bye Calum, bye Ash.”

I waved and left. In truth, I didn’t have anything that I had to do when I got home. But talking to strangers about that sort of thing, even if the conversation is only five minutes long, is sort of mentally and emotionally exhausting for me. I’d like to stay and get to know Calum and Ashton more, but right now I can’t. I’m a little worried that I’ll have issues like this on Monday, but as long as Ashton doesn’t ask anything I can’t dodge I’ll be fine. I will go in there and I will kick ass and I will definitely not have a panic attack or break down of any sort. I will be completely and totally fine. Probably.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Please leave kudos and let me know what you thought.
> 
> I just finished my last day of classes yesterday and handed in my last paper this morning. So after my last exam in a week, I'll have loads of free times for writing! :)
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains a scene of attempted rape. Nothing too graphic, but do not read if it may trigger you.

As soon as I awoke from my nap I was greeted with expectant eyes. They didn’t even have to ask the question, I knew what they all wanted to know. All I had to do to answer was smile and nod. And then arms were wrapped around me and I was lifted right up off the couch and spun around. “Put Me down Harry! Can’t breathe!” I protested, laughing.

He set me back down, a wide smile on his face. “We’re so proud of you, babe! We are celebrating! Come on, I’ll make you whatever you want for dinner.”

“Really doesn’t matter to me.” I shrugged, a massive smile on my face. And the a new thought came to me. Something I never would have thought of a few months ago. “You know what? We should celebrate. We should go out. A club or something.”

They all looked at me with shock on their faces. That’s probably the last thing they thought I would say or want. But I am feeling really good today. Still a little tired, but really good. If I can go to an interview, tell my secret to a complete stranger, and come out alive then I can do pretty much anything. “Babe, are you sure? Do you remember what happened the last time we drank around you?”

I nodded. Of course I did, it wasn’t exactly long ago. And it had sure made an impact on me. “I know, I remember. But I want to do something a normal twenty two year old would do, you know? And I really can’t avoid it forever, can I? I’d be a complete shut in. It would be good for me to try something new.”

Harry nodded, the others still looking rather unsure. “So you want to go...tonight?”

I thought for a second and then shook my head. We could go. But, maybe not. I am pathetically tired just from that interview. I wouldn’t mind some time to mentally prepare. Besides, it’s still the middle of the week. “Nah, you’ve all got classes tomorrow. Maybe Friday? If it works for you all.”

They exchanged looks and then nodded. Niall, still looking as if this wasn’t a good idea, brought up a good point, “Are you sure you want to go to a club? That might be too much too fast. Probably not the best environment for you to be in so soon, no offense. Maybe a pub? Like, somewhere a little quieter.”

The last time I was in a pub, I was sixteen and sucking dick whenever someone wanted me to. But that wasn’t nice pub. That pub was dirty and falling apart and full of older men who were selfish and greedy. But Niall was probably right about clubs. They are loud and crowded and from what I’ve heard, are full of people looking for sex. That could be bad. I don’t know how I would feel being there. A nice pub would be better, I think. “Yeah, you’re right. But I still want to. I’d like to go out. Do something.”

“Okay.” Harry nodded. “We can do that. But of course we’d leave whenever you’d want to. Whenever you’d need us to. But for now, we will still celebrate here. I’m making dinner.”

Dinner was excellent, as always. The next couple days were nice as well. I spent them as I would before, relaxing, listening to music, and watching movies. But then Friday night came. We got ourselves all decent looking (no need for anything special since I’m quite sure none of us are pulling tonight) and we left.

The pub they brought me to was a more than decent place. It didn’t smell too strongly of beer or sweat. It was good. It was fine. The boys avoided beer, since that was really the only scent that bothers me. I’ve decided that I like vodka. It burns a little, but I still feel really good. A little warm and tingly, I guess. I’ve only had four shots, I think. So I’m not wasted or anything ridiculous like that. But because I haven’t really ever drank before I am quite tipsy. All I want to do is touch and cuddle and Harry looks really nice right now. He glows. The lights could all go out, but I would still probably see him clear as day because his very existence is so bright. I think that I could stare at him forever, just as he is right now, and never grow bored. I tell him exactly that and he just smiles and hands me a glass of water. Which is a perfectly good response, just as long as he knows that he’s so beautiful.

After that glass of water, I guess I feel a bit more here. A bit more real. My head feels just slightly less fuzzy, but I still feel nice. I have a feeling that I won’t be allowed anymore shots. But that’s okay because the chips Zayn ordered for the five of us are delicious and Niall just said the funniest thing in the world. This is even more fun than I thought.

But then a man comes over with a smile on his face. He isn’t looking at me, I think he’s looking at Harry. He must know him. But I swear I know him. He seems familiar. Like I’ve met him before. I have no idea where, but I know him. I know I do.

“Harry! How’ve you been, mate? It’s been a while.”

The man is older than us for sure. He’s got very faint laugh lines and I can tell that he is much older than Harry. Much older than me by several years. How on Earth would Harry have met him?

“Been a bit busy the last few months. Lots going on. How are you?”

“Pretty good. Show is going quite well. Why didn’t you tell me you were coming here?” And then he looked at me. And I saw something in his eyes. Something clicked. He knows me too. “Ah, I see. Picked yourself up a bit of entertainment? Didn’t know you four were into orgies.”

I remember now. He used to come and see me every couple of months. It only happened maybe three times. But he fucked me. I remember. I wanted this night to be a celebration. But I’m being pulled back to those times. I wasn’t supposed to think about that tonight, but I can’t not think now. Not when he’s here.

“Remember me, darling?” He reached across the table and put his hand under my jaw, tilting my head up so I had to look at him. “Why don’t we all go have some fun.”

Harry smacked his hand away, suddenly looking furious. “Get the fuck away from him, Nick. Fuck off.”

He stood up from the end of the table and he looked terrifying. He raised his hand and looked like he was ready to beat the shit out of this Nick guy. I had to grab his arm and pull him away to stop him. “Stop it, Harry. He doesn’t know I don’t do that anymore. He was nice, okay? When he came to see me he was nice. Gentle, even. He’s your friend, yeah? Just because he came to see me, it doesn’t mean that he hurt me. Doesn’t mean he’s a bad person.” Once he calmed down, I turned to look at Nick. “I don’t do that anymore. I’m just their friend. Nothing else.”

The look of fear transformed into one of confusion. “Oh. Um, sorry. I didn’t know.”

Harry instantly relaxed with his apology and change in demeanor. I shrugged and did my best to manage a smile. “It’s fine. Not your fault. Um, I’m Louis.” I introduced myself properly. He had only known me as five before.

And then his eyes widened. “You’re Louis? As in the Louis? As in childhood friend who ran away and recently resurfaced Louis? Damn.”

I guess Harry talked about me. Based on his look of shock and knowledge about me, probably on more than one occasion. Harry nodded. “Yeah, he’s that Louis.”

There was still tension between them. I certainly didn’t want that. They were obviously rather good friends, based on their expressions and tone before this began a couple minutes ago. “Do you want to join us?”

I looked to Harry and he didn’t seem bothered by the idea. Neither did the others. And Nick smiled and nodded, pulling up a chair and sitting beside Harry. “No offence, but when I pictured you, Louis, I didn’t really expect…”

“A prostitute? Yeah, I know. Rather odd sort of situation I guess.”

“I’d say so. You doing alright?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Now that I’m out of the business, things are going pretty great. We’re actually celebrating the fact that I’ve got a real job now.”

He looked a little doubtful, but I don’t blame him. “Oh. Good for you.”

Harry finally decided to speak up, teasing in a way that was in no way meanspirited. Teasing like friends, as they should be. “You know, Nick, I never thought you’d be the type to have to pay someone to have sex with you.”

Nick shrugged, and I think that he might be blushing just slightly. “Yeah, I know. I was too busy to go out and find someone at a club, though. A friend told me about the house and I mean, Louis is quite pretty. And was great at his job. Only went a couple times, so it’s not like I was a regular or anything.”

He seemed like a half decent person. He was sort of funny in a strange way, he was nice enough, and I could tell that him and Harry were good friends. So that was really all that mattered.

He had been good to me the few times he had come to visit me. He didn’t hit me or anything like that. He did bite a bit and he called me a slut numerous times, but other than that he was fine. I even came every time, he had made sure of that. So this shouldn’t be too bad to be here with him.

Except it is. He keeps looking at me. Smirking at me and biting his lip. I kept doing my best to avoid his gaze, but he was almost always looking at me, or at least glancing at me every couple seconds as he spoke to someone else.

I just need a little break to breathe and collect myself. I patted Harry’s hand to get his attention. “I’m just gonna go get some fresh air.”

“You want me to come with you?” He asked with just a hint of concern, still wound up in conversations.

I didn’t want to pull him away, so I shook my head. I would be just fine on my own. “Nah, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

I passed across the not so crowded floor and went through a door, leading to the alley behind the pub. It didn’t smell at all decent so I wasn’t really getting fresh air of any sort. But it’s probably better than the bathroom, so I’ll deal with it.

Simple deep breathing is ridiculously helpful with calming myself down. I feel much less jittery and unsettled now. I should be fine for another hour or so with…

The door opened, starting me and making me jump a little. So much for being settled.

It was Nick. Of course it was Nick. The one person I needed a break from is two feet away from me. “Y’alright, mate?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. Was just about to go back in.”

“You sure? Why don’t you and I stay out here and chat for a minute? We can go back in after, together.”

Just a chat. He probably just wants to figure me out. Maybe figure out what my intentions are with Harry. Makes sense, since they’re obviously good friends. He probably wants to be sure that I’m not using him or manipulating him in any way. Which I am not. Not intentionally, if I am. But he doesn’t know that. He just wants to be sure.

“So...you’re out of the business?”

“Yeah.”

“How’s that going for you?”

“Alright, I guess. Working on taking my pimp to court.”

“Really? What for?”

“Lots of stuff. He tricked us all and stole from us. Didn’t exactly give us a safe work space, either.”

“That’s shit, mate. So you’re like a free man now.”

“Yeah.”

“Get to do whatever you want.”

I shrugged. Of course I can, within reason. “I guess so.”

“You can decide what to do.” He took a step towards me. “Where to go.” Another step. “Who to see.” He leant against the wall I was leaning on, his shoulder hardly a centimeter away from mine. “Who to fuck.”

He leant even closer, one shoulder against the wall and turning towards me. “I-I don’t do that anymore.”

“Yeah, I know.” He blocked my escape, putting his forearms on either side of my head. “But you still want me. I know you do.” He moved even closer and pressed his clothed dick against my body. “You’re still a little slut, aren’t you? Just cause you don’t get paid doesn’t mean you can’t still fuck around.” He’s too hard for this to be remotely okay. “I made you scream, didn’t I? They could have heard to half way across the city.” I did moan, yes. It felt okay. But I was pretending, mostly. Exaggerating. I had my eyes shut so I couldn’t even see him.

“Nick…” I tried to say something. Tell him to stop. I was certain he would stop if I told him to. I don’t think he’s a bad person. But he thinks that just because I fucked him before that I want to fuck him now. But that is so false. But how could he know that? He hasn’t even asked me.

“Listen to that. Already saying my name. I’d love to hear you screaming that when we get back to mine, yeah?” He rolled his hips against me. Oh my god, he is actually doing this. I am completely sober now. But still too weak to do anything. “Can’t wait to get my cock in that fat ass of yours, yeah? Fill you right up.” I’m sure he would. But I don’t want that. I do not want sex. Not with anyone. But definitely not with him. 

He leant down and pressed his lips to my neck. I tried to pull away, but all I managed to do was make more space available to him. He started kissing and sucking and biting and bruising everywhere he could reach. Fuck, how am I supposed to cover this up? I have work on Monday and I’m going to start my first day looking like a whore. Everyone’s going to know that I’m a slut. A dirty, disgusting slut. Dirty. Filthy. Badbadbadfilthydirtybadbadbadslutbadwhorebadbadbad.

The door opened up again.It took all the effort in the world to just move my eyes so that I could see. I just prayed that it wouldn’t be anyone who might want to join in. I can’t even handle one, so how could I possibly take two?”

But it wasn’t someone like that. It was Liam. Sweet Liam. Kind Liam. Strong Liam. Liam who likes me, but never like that ever. Liam.

For a second he looked like he was about to close the door again, probably because of our intimate position and the fact that Nick didn’t stop at the noise, but I did my best to send him a look. To tell him what he needed to know at this very second.

And I guess I succeeded as much as I needed to, because the next thing I knew, Nick was off of me. Instead he was being held up against the wall of the opposite building. Though Nick is taller than Liam, right now he looks like an ant in comparison. Just because the fear I could see in this dim lighting and the way that he can’t even struggle. I couldn’t hear what was being said, but I could hear something faint in a very angry tone.

The next thing I knew, Liam had shoved him off down the alley and had grabbed me by my wrist, squeezing tight and pulling me back into the pub. He didn’t let go of me until we got back to the table. But that was only for a few seconds as he said something I still couldn’t hear to the boys. Then he grabbed right back on and tugged me out of the building. They were all ahead of me, pulling me along at a speed that I could barely manage to keep up with. If Liam weren’t holding on to me with such a strong grip they probably would have left me behind without even noticing, with the way that none of them have so much as looked at me since we left. I can still hear them talking, but I still have no clue what they are saying. Why do they have to whisper? I know that they’re talking about me, but I’m not sure what specifically.

When we finally got back to the apartment I was expecting some sort of an explanation as to why they are all so upset with me. But there wasn’t one. They all just went to their respective rooms and slammed the doors shut. And I was alone. Completely alone. I still couldn’t hear them.

What did I do wrong? Was it that I almost let him fuck me? Was it that I didn’t try to push him off? Or was it the opposite? Are they mad at me because I didn’t want to? Harry and Nick are friends and so it isn’t hard to imagine that the rest of them get on decently well. I probably just ruined the friendship. I should have told Liam that it was okay. If I had told him that it was okay, nothing would be wrong right now.

But what if that’s not it? What if it isn’t just the idea of sex with Nick that is pissing them off? What if it’s just the idea of people fucking me? What if they think I’m dirty now? That would completely explain why they reacted like that. Why would anyone want to look at or touch a disgusting fuck like me? How could Liam even stand to touch me?

And shit, I know that Harry and I aren’t technically dating, but what if I just cheated on him? I did let another man touch me in a sexual nature. I let him and I hardly tried to stop him. He must hate me so much. I practically just defiled the very idea of us for him.

I went to the bathroom, planning on just splashing some cold water in my face or something to get myself out of my head before I had another attack. But the second I took a look at myself in the mirror that plan went right out the window.

I have bruises. Love bites. Almost the entire left side of my neck is purple. God, look at me. I look like such a slut. Letting someone mark me up so bad in a place I can’t even hide. Everyone in that pub could see this. How could the boys walk out of there and be seen with me at such close proximity.

I am so dirty. So disgusting. Such a filthy filthy whore. I need to be clean. As clean as I possibly can make myself. I turned on the shower to a sanitizing burning heat and jumped in as soon as all of my clothes were off. And I started scrubbing.

***

I can’t believe him. Nick is my friend. He knew about Louis. I had cried to Nick about Louis over the last year countless times. And he knew how I felt about him.

First of all, he assumed that I had purchased Louis’ services. And then he assumed that he would be allowed to join in. Even if Louis had been a prostitute, it’s wrong to assume that. I was pissed at him. But Louis wanted us to be civil so I let him sit with us. He kept looking at Louis. I could tell that Louis wasn’t comfortable, but he didn’t say anything so I didn’t do anything.

I should have known something was up when Nick left the table a couple minutes after Louis did. Thank god Liam volunteered to go out and check on Louis. I don’t know what I would have done to Nick if I had been the one to find them, but it wouldn’t have been pretty.

From what Liam told us, Nick had Louis pinned up against the wall. I hope I don’t sound offensive, but Louis is sort of weak. And he has a lot of difficulty with saying no to people. If Liam hadn’t gone to check on him, by this time Louis would be getting fucked and all the progress he has made would be lost.

We had to get Louis out of there as fast as we could. And once we got back to the apartment, I guess we just sort of left him alone. I was too pissed for it to be a good idea for me to be around him and it was probably the same for the others. Not pissed at Louis, pissed that a person who I had trusted would do that to a person who had obviously been trying to escape that life. There is no way I will be speaking to Nick ever again.

Louis is having a shower right now. Probably wanted to wash off the night before he went to sleep.

Now that I think about it, he’s been in there a long time. He got in there almost right after we got home. Looking at the clock now, he’s been in there for almost an hour. I should really check on him. I shouldn’t have left him alone in the first place.

I knocked on the bathroom door. There wasn’t an answer, but when I pressed my ear to the door I could hear soft mumbling. Nothing coherent, but he is definitely still in there. I knocked again and called his name, but the mumbling never stopped. I don’t think he can hear me.

I tried the door and surprisingly, it was unlocked. The shower curtain hadn’t even been pulled across. He was sitting there, water pouring all over him. And he was scrubbing at his skin harshly. He was bright red all over and he was rubbing his skin raw. He didn’t look up when I walked in. He just kept scrubbing and talking to himself. I approached him tentatively, repeatedly saying his name to try and get his attention. He still didn’t look up. The water was definitely cold by now. There was no trace of steam fogging up the mirror, despite the fan not being turned on. So it’s probably been cold for awhile. It was icy when I turned off the water. He still didn’t look up. My last hope of getting him to stop hurting himself the way he was...was to touch him. Pull the flannel out of his hand.

The second I so much as brushed my fingertips against his hand he stopped mumbling and he looked at me. But then he started screaming and scrambling to get as far away from me as possible. And while he was looking at me, it wasn’t like he was actually seeing me. I don’t think he knows who I am.

I could hear a commotion behind me, the boys having come running the second Louis starting screaming. But at this time, they do not matter. What matters is that Louis is freaking out and he is scratching at his own skin now. There is already a small trickle of blood. He needs to stop before it gets worse. “It’s Harry. It’s Harry. You are safe. Calm down, babe. It’s Harry and Liam and Zayn and Niall. You know us. You are safe with us. We don’t hurt you ever. Don’t make you do anything bad ever. Stop screaming, Louis. You’re in our apartment. You’re safe here. Breathe, baby. Please calm down.”

I kept talking to him. The boys stayed quiet, but they were there. Too many voices could freak him out.

Eventually he stopped screaming. He was still whimpering and he wasn’t really seeing us, but he was calm enough to let us touch him. We wrapped him in a couple of towels and lifted him out of the bathtub. We took him to Liam and Niall’s room since their bed was the biggest. We got him clothes and did our best to look away as we dressed his dead weight.

Then we just waited. That was all we could do. He shouldn’t be alone when he comes to. Us leaving him alone probably was one of the contributing factors to this attack.

It took a long time for him to get out. I was almost falling asleep, sitting on a chair I had grabbed from the kitchen and slouching forward onto the end of the bed. The boys had fallen asleep. It was late. Or maybe it was early, depending on how you think of it. Then I heard it. A very very tiny voice “Harry?”

“Yeah, baby. I’m here. Do you remember what happened?”

He thought for a moment before responding. “I remember going into the bathroom. But after that, nothing.”

“That’s okay. You had an attack. A bad one. Do you want some water.” He nodded. I went and got him a cold glass of water. He drank it greedily. “How are you feeling?” He shrugged. “Can you use words please?”

“I don’t know. Tired, I think.”

“Yeah, I bet. You were gone for a few hours. Do you want to sleep?” He nodded. “Do you want us to leave?” He shook his head. “Okay, we can stay. Can I wake them up so we can all cuddle with you? Would that he okay?”

He did nothing for almost a minute. When he did he was so quiet I could hardly hear him. “Why are you here?”

“Because we love you so much. We were all really scared for you. And we didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

“Are you mad at me?”

I don’t know why he could possibly think that. Why would we ever be mad at him for what happened? Except I can understand. We didn’t talk to him. We never said a word to him, not since he had gone out into the alley. And then we left him alone. We didn’t even look at him. I don’t know what he was thinking, but knowing him it can’t have been anything good.

“No. Of course not. I’m really sorry if it seemed like we were, but there is no way that we could be mad at you for something like that. We were angry, yes, but not at you. Never at you. Okay?” He nodded. “We’re gonna talk about this more in the morning when you’re not so completely exhausted. But for now, I promise you that we are not upset with you.”

I pressed a kiss to his forehead and set to work on waking up the boys. Well, not really waking him. Just getting them conscious enough for them to move two feet and get in bed with us. We all piled into the bed, Zayn and I on one side and Liam and Niall on the other. All of us had some sort of contact with him. He lying partially on my chest, Niall was pressed up against his other side, and Liam and Zayn both had arms and hands touching him. Lots of contact, but Louis practically melted into it in his groggy state.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a difficult chapter to write...but I'm still pretty happy with how it turned out. Let me now what you thought!
> 
> I've got my last exam tomorrow, so after that I'll be free!
> 
> Mt tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	13. Chapter 13

I awoke with hair matted to my forehead, a foul taste in my mouth, and blinding sunlight streaming in through the window. I did not feel okay at all. My body felt heavy, I was unusually tired, and the skin all over my body felt like it was burning. 

It took me a little while to figure out where I was. Even longer to figure out what the weights across my torso were. I’m in Niall and Liam’s room, I think. I am in their bed. And I am surrounded by my boys. That’s what the weight is. All of their arms.

It was a relaxing place to be. The scents of my favourite people in the world intertwining and surrounding me completely. I don’t remember the last time I got to wake up like this.

Even though I now knew that they are here, I still didn’t feel okay. My head feels like it’s full of sawdust right now. Thinking hurts. Why did I have to wake up? Surely I was fine when I was asleep. Maybe if I shut my eyes tight enough I’ll fall back into unconsciousness. Maybe when I wake up again I’ll be okay.

I don’t get the chance to test that theory. The weights on my chest change, one of them moving around a little. I looked over to the side where that weight had formerly been sleeping. Zayn is awake. He looks exhausted and a little unwell. He hadn’t drank much at all last night, but I feel like something else happened last night. Unfortunately I haven’t the faintest clue what that might be.

“Morning, babe. You feel okay?” I tried to speak, but nothing came out. My throat hurts too much to allow any noise to be made. “Throat hurts?” I managed a weak whimper in response. “I’m gonna go get you some stuff to help that, yeah?” He waited until I nodded to do anything. Nodding made the burning worse. “I’ll be back in a minute.”

The room was silent again, aside from the soft breathing. Then another weight stirred. This time it was Niall. His head lifted from where it had been resting on my shoulder. He looked at me with bleary eyes for a second. Then he smiled. I don’t know why. It was very small and I don’t think it was quite real, but it was a smile. 

He didn’t say a thing until Zayn came back into the room, holding a glass of water, a small bottle of painkillers, and a bottle of something else. As he set the things down on the bedside table, Niall reached across me and shook Harry awake. It didn’t take much, as Harry can be a light sleeper sometimes. I guess today is one of those times. “Gotta move over, Harry.” Niall’s accent is thicker in the mornings. “Zayn needs to get at Louis.”

Harry immediately moved from where he had been sleeping hardly seconds before and stood beside Zayn. With the help of the three of them, I was moving into a sitting position, propped up by a couple of pillows. The movement disturbed Liam’s sleep and he was soon adjusting one of the pillows.

“Open your mouth, Louis.” Zayn’s voice was so unbelievably soft that I just had to do what he asked, even if I didn’t want those pills. I soon felt a pill being placed on my tongue and then a glass of water nudged at my lips. I drank a quick sip and the pill went down my throat. Then the action was repeated and finally I was allowed to finish the rest of the water. My throat didn’t feel like a cheese grater had been rubbed all over it anymore, so that’s a relief. Now it felt like sandpaper had done it instead. That was actually a massive improvement. “I’ve got some stuff that should help your skin feel better. Is it okay if we take your shirt off?”

I felt an itch deep beneath my skin at the suggestion. I don’t know why, because they’ve all seen me nearly naked several times and completely naked at least once. I never like it, but I can deal with it. Why would just my shirt be a problem? But it feels like it is. I feel like no one should ever see me like that. But the offer of something making me feel less like I was on fire was too tempting. So I nodded. With little help from me, as I was still a dead weight, they managed to get my shirt off. “What about your trackies?”

Now I felt like throwing up and crying. No. People aren’t supposed to see each other like that. But it hurts to bad. I need it to stop hurting. So I nodded with a tear in my eye.

They slowly stripped me down until I was just in my pants. I couldn’t look at them. I couldn’t look at them while they saw me like this. All of their hands started working over me slowly. Spreading some sort of cream or lotion all over my body. The experience didn’t feel sexually driven at all, so after a minute I managed to calm down. The cream cooled my skin on contact and the light pressure of their hands as they rubbed it so it could soak in felt almost like a massage. This is okay. More than okay. It feels really good.

The massage stopped after several minutes and then they re-dressed me. As soon as I was clothed the blankets were pulled back over me and the weights returned to my chest.

After a while I started to feel better. The painkillers certainly helped, but mostly I was just calm. Relaxed. I felt lighter. More normal. Slowly, I started to remember the events of last night. Piece by tiny piece until I was sure I remembered everything. Everything up until I got in the shower. I can’t remember that at all, no matter how hard I try.

A unknown amount of time later, when I had thought that everyone else was asleep again, Harry propped himself up on his elbow so that he was looking down on me, but wasn’t really over top of me. “How are you feeling now, Lou?”

I decided to test my voice again. It still hurt and I didn’t sound all that normal, but I can talk. “Better. Remember things now.”

“And do you feel safe where you are right now?”

Very strange question, but I still thought of it in every sense of the word. I know that they won’t hurt me physically. They were all being crazy gentle and soft with me earlier. And when I allowed them to take my clothes off I didn’t feel scared at all once I was relaxed. And I trust them. I always have, but I think I do now even more. So yes, I feel very safe. “Yeah.”

“And do you understand that we all love you and would never intentionally do something to hurt you.”

I’m sure of it now. But based on my memories of last night, I wasn’t sure then. I thought that they all hated me for sure after what I did. I still don’t understand what happened or what they were thinking and I am a little scared of what it might be. But they’ve never hurt me before. Well, I guess they sort of did. But Harry said that he wasn’t thinking straight and even though it hurt me so bad at the time, he has apologized and explained things to me and I forgive them. So I guess I sort of owe it to them to let them do the same right now. “I know that.”

“Good. That’s all that matters. Do you think you’re ready to talk about what happened last night?” I really don’t want to. It hurts just thinking about it. “You don’t have to, but we all just really want to understand so that we can stop anything like what happened from happening again.” I thought some more. I can’t remember what it is that happened that was so bad. Probably happened some time after I got in the shower. But if the way I’m feeling is anything to go by, I don’t want it to happen again either. So I nodded. “Good. Really good, baby. Nick was a client of yours, yeah? Do you remember what he was like?”

I did not want to be graphic. Not around them. But If this is the stuff they need to know, I guess I should tell them. “He really wasn’t that bad. Not very kinky. I mean, he was rough and he liked to bite me a little, and he liked to call me a slut sometimes, but he wasn’t bad. Once he finished he even helped clean me up. Most clients would never even offer that. He was fine.”

“But he made you uncomfortable, didn’t he?”

This man had been Harry’s friend. His good friends. I didn’t want to make Harry think any worse of him. But after last night, the damage is already done. “He kept looking at me last night. Not in a nice way. In a dirty way. A bad way. Even after we told him I didn’t do that anymore, he was looking at me like I did.”

“We could see that. Do you remember what happened outside.”

I nodded. “Just wanted a break. Needed to calm down. Was gonna come back in, but then he came outside. He was just talking to me at first. Normal. I thought he was being nice. But he wasn’t. Wasn’t nice at all. Called me a slut again. Said he knew I wanted him to fuck me. But I didn’t. Didn’t want him anywhere near me. He never asked me. You’re supposed to ask. But I couldn’t stop him. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t talk. And he was saying what he wanted to do to me and he was touching me and biting me. I tried to get away but all I did was make things worse. He wouldn’t stop.”

Though I could feel anxiety growing in my chest, Harry remained completely calm. Helping to keep me grounded. “Then Liam came out, didn’t he?”

Nodded again trying to push back tears but failing. A couple slipped free as I answered. “Yeah.I thought he was gonna just go back inside and leave us alone, but he didn’t. Pulled him off on me. But I don’t...I don’t know what Liam was saying. Don’t know why he was so mad.”

I realized at that point that the boys were all awake. I had just been looking at Harry before because he was the one talking. But now Liam is talking. “I was telling him to leave you alone. I was telling him to stay away from you and that if he ever tried that again, we wouldn’t let him get away from it so easy. I promise I wasn’t saying anything bad about you.”

“Okay. I thought so, but I wasn’t sure. All I knew is that you were angry. And then, um, you took me inside and you brought me back inside to the boys. And again, I couldn’t hear you. And then we were walking again, going back home. And you guys were walking really fast and I was tripping a bit, trying to keep up. But you never even looked back at me. You were just talking to each other. And I still couldn’t hear you. I didn’t know what you were saying or thinking. I thought you would talk to me when we got back to the apartment, but you didn’t. You ignored me and just went into your rooms. And I didn’t...you wouldn’t do that unless I did something bad. But I didn’t know what I did. Or how I could fix it. I tried to figure it out, but I was just confusing myself more.”

“What kind of things were you thinking?” Harry asked.

I shrugged. “Some of them don’t make sense now. I thought it was because you thought I was weak cause I couldn’t push him off of me. Or maybe that I should have let him fuck me because he was your friend and I just ruined that. Or that you thought I was disgusting now because I just...let random people do that. Or, I don’t know, that you thought I was cheating on you, Harry, because I was going to do that with another person other than you. I just...whatever it was, I was sure you thought I was disgusting. I thought I was disgusting.”

“Do you remember anything after that?”

I shrugged a little. “I went into the bathroom. I just wanted to like, splash some water in my face to snap myself out of it. But then I looked in the mirror. There were so many bruises. The entire left side of my neck is purple, isn’t it?” They didn’t respond. They didn’t have to. I knew it was. “I looked like such a whore. I was sure that’s what you were thinking, too. And like, I work Monday and there is no way that these were going to fade by then and then everyone would know what I am. I felt so filthy. So disgusting. I just wanted to be clean. Then I remember turning on the shower really hot. That’s it. I don’t know what happened after. What happened?”

They all exchanged looks. Finally, Harry spoke again. “I found you in the shower. You were scrubbing your skin so hard. You were bright red and you were hurting yourself really bad.” That must be why my skin feels the way it does. Especially on my neck. “And you were muttering something to yourself, but I couldn’t make out what it was.”

“Was probably saying what I was thinking. That i was dirty and needed to make myself clean.”

He nodded with a sad look in his eyes. “You weren’t really there, you know? I tried to get your attention but you wouldn’t stop. Then I...I touched you. It was stupid of me to do, I know. But you were hurting yourself and you had to stop. But then you were screaming. And you got yourself as far away from me as you could. You were screaming and like, clawing at yourself. You were making yourself bleed. And when you were looking at me it was like you had no idea who I was.”

“You looked so scared.” Zayn was speaking softly, like he was worried that what he had to say would make me freak out again. “We all came running when we heard you scream. Harry tried talking to you, but even that wasn’t working.” That always worked. Harry has been around for all of my attacks and someone talking to me always calms me down. “It took a long time for you to stop screaming and let us touch you. Even then, you still weren’t really there. We got you dried off and dressed and put you in bed here. And we waited. We all sat around, waiting for you to snap out of it. We didn’t want you to be alone when you came to. I fell asleep after a while.”

Harry continued the story. “I don’t know how long it took, but eventually you got out. You were tired and still not really in a good state of mind, so I figured it was best to talk in the morning instead of then. You asked us to stay with you, so that’s why we’re all here.”

So they don’t hate me. They could have easily left me alone. They didn’t have to hold me. And when we all awoke they didn’t have to treat me so tenderly. They still care about me. “I still don’t really understand what happened. Why you wouldn’t talk to me and why you left me alone.”

They exchanged another look. This time it was Niall who explained. “We were all angry and upset. But not at you, okay? We couldn’t be mad at you for any of the things you thought and we do not think that you’re dirty. We were angry at Nick for taking advantage of you. It doesn’t matter if you know a person or not, it is their job to make sure that they want it too. And even though you couldn’t talk or move, it should have been obvious to him that you did not. He should have backed off and let you leave. We are angry because he didn’t. And what Liam said before is true. If he, or anyone else for that matter, tries something like that with you when you don’t want it, they will answer to us. That is what we were talking about. We were so angry we were hardly thinking. We just wanted to get you back to a safe place as fast as we could. And it was so stupid of us all to leave you alone. You did deserve an explanation. But I guess we were all just so angry that we weren’t thinking. I for one didn’t want you to have to be around me when I was so upset. I think it’s probably the same for all of us.”

“I cried.” Liam.

“I tried to comfort him, but I started crying too.” Niall.

“I threw things. My room is a mess now.” Zayn.

“I cried and threw things.” Harry. “But we should have put our feelings aside. We weren’t helping anything. We’re all very sorry that we let it happen. Do you understand now?”

It should have sounded like he was speaking to a child, the way the last two sentences were phrased so simply. But it didn’t. He just wanted to tell me how they felt and to check on me. “I think so.”

“How do you feel now?”

“Better. I’m still tired and everything hurts, but still better.”

“Why don’t we have a lazy day, yeah? It’s already three so we might as well.”

That sounded amazing. “Yeah. But can I get up? I need to go to the loo.” There was another look. Third look since we started talking. This time, I know why it’s happening. They don’t want me to see. “I’m going to have to look at it sooner or later. I promise I won’t freak out.”

Of course I don’t know if I’ll freak out. I can’t remember exactly how it looks. But I will do my best to breath deeply and stay calm. Finally they relented, and they all moved to let me out.

I didn’t like what I saw in the mirror. I was right, I count a dozen individual love bites. There’s even one on my jaw that I don’t remember him making. They’re too prominent not to draw attention. But makeup exists. And there is no shame in boys using it. I’ll go and buy some and no one will ever know the difference. It’s bad, but I can deal with it. And soon they will fade and it will be like they were never there in the first place. I will be okay.

My skin was still quite red and looked very irritated. But I suppose that as long as I moisturize enough it will go back to normal quickly enough. I’ll just have to bathe in lotion for a good while. I can’t even see any scratches, they’re probably just on my torso.

The only evidence in here of what happened last night is the single wet flannel that is still laying in the tub. It looks like nothing happened in here. But my body knows that something very bad did.

But I am okay. I am fine. I will be fine. I don’t feel nearly as good as I did yesterday morning. Or even last night, before Nick got there. I had been having a lot of fun. I felt really good. Normal, even. I’d like to try doing that again at some point. I just don’t know when I’ll be back to a point where I’ll be able to.

I did what I came in here to do and I left as quickly as I could. Even though I feel relatively okay I probably shouldn’t stay in here long enough to inspect myself further.

The boys were all waiting on the couch when I got there. A few snacks were already on the table and from the look of the stack beside the tv, we are having a Marvel marathon. As soon as I sat down a tall glass of water was handed to me. I drank it greedily and the ache in my throat was soothed a bit.

This is exactly what I need right now. Niall is sitting on Liam’s lap so I have lots of room to sit, and I have Harry and Zayn’s arms around my shoulders. They are giving me exactly what I need to make myself feel better. A relaxed environment with no pressure to do anything and they are giving me all the love and comfort I need. Thanks to that, I am better than okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kind of short and a filler, but still a necessary chapter. Hope you liked it! Remember to leave kudos and comments if you did.
> 
> Finished all my finals last week and I only work a few days a week, so I've got loads of time to write. Honestly, I haven't worked on this fic much lately. I've got five other one-shots that I'm also working on right now and might start posting them soon. But don't worry, I won't stop updating regularly until this fic is finished.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	14. Chapter 14

Niall took me to a store I didn’t see the name of on Sunday afternoon to get me some makeup. I was wearing a turtleneck, even though it was too hot for once, to cover as many of the bruises as I possibly could. But there were still three of them that could be seen clear as day.

This is ridiculously embarrassing. I assumed that all this would be, is that I would go over to the racks of makeup, pick a random brand, and find the one that matched me well enough and get the hell out of there as fast as I could. But instead when we walked in, Niall grabbed my hand, probably as a gesture of support, and marched right over to a girl at the counter and said “We need the best thing you’ve got for covering bruises.”

The girl looked a little taken aback, but I suppose that might be more over the fact that it was a couple of guys who were asking for it than anything. She quickly led us over to a section and started holding up little bottles against my face. “This one is my favourite. Works really well. And you shouldn’t need to reapply for several hours.” She finally decided between two that looked to be the exact same shade to me. I guess she must know what she’s talking about. “Do you want a powder too?” I thought back to when Elizabeth had had to do my makeup every time I out all those months ago. She had explained a little about what she had been doing and she had said that the powder helped to set whatever it was that was underneath. So I nodded and we were led to another rack and she repeated the process of holding them up to my face. “I don’t know if you’ve ever done your own makeup before, but you might want to watch a tutorial or two just so you can get the job done properly, yeah? And give yourself a good amount of time to get it done.”

Monday morning I took her advice and the tutorials I watched definitely helped. I spent a good twenty minutes on the job before I deemed the bruises to be non-existent. I fixed my hair to precision and got dressed. I put on a pair of black skinny jeans, which in my opinion make my bum look excellent, and a random t shirt. The shirt didn’t really matter much since I’ll be getting a uniform to replace it probably right after I arrived.

I don’t know if I feel confident, but I don’t think I’m too nervous. How bad could I possibly muck up on the first day? If I screw up I can blame it on the fact that I haven’t learned everything yet.

As expected, Ashton was the only person in the shop. He greeted me with a smile and massive dimples. “Hey, Ash.”

“Hey, babe. Ready for your first day?”

“As I’ll ever be. So where do I start?”

He tossed me a shirt, identical to his. “You can change in the bathroom.” He pointed to a marked door to my left.

The shirt looked decent on me, the colour looking rather nice against my skin. It was a bit tight, but from what I can see of the guys working here their uniforms are tight as well. I guess Melissa is probably just really good at guessing sizes and then gets the next size lower. To show off any muscle, I suppose. I guess I can deal with it, even though it will get even tighter as I continue to get my weight back up…

When I stepped out of the bathroom I couldn’t help but notice that he sort of checked me out. Eyes quickly moving up my body. Well at least I know that he probably isn’t homophobic… “Good to go?” I nodded. “Okay, well, there really isn’t much to learn here. Just gotta serve customers, keep all the toppings and yogurts filled, and clean the store. And then in a couple weeks you’ll be allowed to do the opening and closing stuff with the money. It’s really not that hard of a job, just do what you’re supposed to do and it’ll be great.”

It really did seem to be pretty easy. I’m sure it will be harder once it gets warmer and we get more customers, so I am very glad that I’m starting now rather than in a month so I can learn while I’m not under too much pressure. I watched Ashton dealing with customers for a while, him talking me through what he was doing. And then he let me handle a few on my own. I didn’t really need any help, so I think I’m doing well enough.

At the end of the day the open sign was unplugged and Ashton quickly dealt with the till and put the money in the safe, while I took out all the trash. Then we both set to work on washing all the scoops and stuff. It was fine. We were just chatting. After talking to Ashton for the last six or so hours, I’ve decided that I quite like him. He’s really flirty, but also really nice and funny and I like the sound of his laugh. If the other guys are anywhere near as great as Ashton, I certainly won’t mind working here.

And then it happened. We were having a tiny water fight. Not really making a mess of any sort that we would have to clean up since we had already mopped earlier, just getting a bit on each other. It was fun. Once everything was washed and we had wound up the fight, I grabbed a piece of paper towel and dried myself off. 

But I forgot. I forgot that I have makeup on. How could I have forgotten something I had taken some much care with hours before? I didn’t even realize what I had done until I had finished completely and pulled the paper away. I had taken a lot off. There is absolutely no way he won’t notice.

Of course he did. It happened a couple minutes later, when we were about to leave. And of course he commented. How could he not? It doesn’t mean that he isn’t still a nice person. It just means that I had made a big mistake. “Ooh, looks like you were celebrating.”

I didn’t know how much of the bites were visible. I took out my phone and switched to the front facing camera. It’s just the better part of two of them. It could be a lot worse. But they’re still very much visible. “Good time?”

I didn’t know what to say. I can’t say the truth, because that would give everything away. I can’t just be like ‘I used to be a prostitute and my best friend’s friend was a customer of mine and he didn’t get that I was out of the business so he backed me up against the wall and dirty talked to me and bit and sucked my neck until my other best friend stopped him and then I went home and had a massive panic attack.’ You can’t say that to anyone, especially someone you met not even a week ago and just started getting to know each other. So I just smiled and said “Yeah, good time.”

Thank god, he wasn’t reacting like my worst fears were telling me he would. He just laughed a little and winked at me. “You should give me your number, yeah? Might need it for a, you know, work emergency.”

Work isn’t...work is definitely not the motivation to get it. But yeah, getting his number is a good idea. Might need it. Or maybe want it. So I gave it to him. “You got the schedule from Melissa already, yeah?”

I nodded “Sent it to me yesterday.”

“Good. Then I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” We both stepped outside and he unlocked the door. Have a good night, babe.”

He quickly and softly placed his hand on my upper arm as a gesture of parting, and he left. And so did I.

My next two weekday shifts went basically the exact same way. It was just Ashton and I. It was good. Even though it was work, it didn’t always feel like it. It was nice talking to who someone who doesn’t know my entire life story by heart. It’s nice that someone likes me just based on who I am now and not who I was as a teenager. And I know that he doesn’t feel sorry for me because he has no reason to.

Working with Ashton was new and nerve wracking, but it was more or less comfortable and easy.

Then Saturday came and it was all five employees. I have no idea why we all had to work together. It’s not like we were very busy. I mean, we were busier than on weekdays and customers did make much more of a mess, but it still doesn’t make much sense. Is Melissa just ridiculously rich and therefore can afford to have us all working on such a slow day? Or does she just make so much in the summer that it balances out? Whatever the reason, Ashton, Luke (the boy who was here when I came here for the first time,) Calum (the one who has here the day I had my interview,) and Michael (who I am only meeting now) were all working today all day at the same time.

When I walked in at ten that morning it was like I was thrown in the ocean with no idea how to swim. Of course there were the initial pleasantries of introductions, but after that they were just themselves. And themselves are loud. Their dynamic didn’t change at all with the addition of one new member. There was a lot of jokes (most of which being horribly inappropriate) and laughing and they were singing a lot. Sometimes badly as a joke, but mostly crazy well and Ashton had grabbed a couple of spoons and was drumming out a beat on the countertop. Apparently they’re a band and I can tell that they’re really good, even if they don’t have their instruments here to prove it.

I did like them all. Even though they obviously don’t need me here, they still included me quite well. They asked me loads of questions and when I said something even remotely funny, they all laughed and the conversation continued.

The only thing is...there’s so much touching. I can handle it with my boys because I know them extremely well and they know everything about me. It’s natural with them. It’s easy with them. But these guys...they don’t know a thing. They do not know me one bit and yet for them it’s automatically okay for them to touch me. It’s not like they were grabbing my ass like they were with each other. But I do not like touching. Especially not by surprise. And for a second I’d be facing away from them and the next thing I knew there would be a hand on my back. There is no reason at all for it. They could easily avoid touching me all together but they don’t.

I am trying really hard not to flinch away because then there would be the wrong sort of attention on me and questions that I can’t answer. So I have to be still and calm and I have to smile and while I like them as people, I am completely exhausted and it’s still three hours to closing time.

It’s strange watching them flirting with all the girls who walk in. It seemed so easy for them and it is obviously rather effective based on how almost every single girl blushed or giggled or twirled her hair. There was even more of a reaction when it was a group of girls who came in. It would be, like, almost a sort of a competition to see who could get the best reaction. Whenever that happened I would stay in the back and clean something that was already clean.

At this moment Calum and Michael are doing stock or something in the back room and Luke is outside on his break doing something or another and Ashton just...he’s got his hand splayed out on the small of my back. “Does the flirting thing bother you?”

It would be a bit hypocritical of me to dislike them doing that. I got paid to make people think I was gagging for it. But that’s different. There is a major difference between flirting in a frozen yogurt shop and fake moaning and pretending to be starved of cock. I don’t remember how to do the first one. “No, of course not. It’s part of the job, right?”

He shrugged. “A bit of it. Sometimes we go a bit overboard, though. You don’t have to join in if you don’t want to. You’re not gonna get fired or punished over it.”

“It’s fine. I should give it a try. Shouldn’t be too hard.”

He finally took his hand off of my back and leant back against the counter beside me. “Is it because they’re girls?”

If he didn’t have my attention before, he certainly does now. “What?”

“Well, I don’t mean to be presumptuous. But there has been a load of gorgeous girls in here today and you’ve hardly looked at any of them aside from when you took their orders. And a few seemed to be trying to flirt with you, and you didn’t even notice.”

Shit. How do I get out of this one without saying anything? I can’t. At least this isn’t about anything important. “I guess. Probably part of it. But I’m just not that much of a flirty person. Gave up with that ages ago.”

“Yeah? Cause the whole” He brushed his fingers against his neck. Shit, I thought he forgot about that “Neck thing says otherwise.”

Fucking shit. Did he have to mention that? “No. That was different. No flirting involved.”

Unless my eyes are deceiving me he looks a little put out. “Oh. So you’ve got a boyfriend?” I shook my head and he looked confused. “Girlfriend?” Shook my head again. “Then how the hell do you end up with a load of hickeys?”

I didn’t know what to say. I hate lying. Absolutely hate it. But I’ll be shunned if I tell him the truth. “Spur of the moment thing. They came on to me. Nothing special. Just happened. Not planning on seeing them anytime soon.”

He nodded and quickly backed off. “Oh. Sorry, I really didn’t mean to pry. Not really any of my business.”

I tried to make myself calm down. Stop being so damn tense. I didn’t mean to freak him out. “Don’t worry about it. Didn’t do a very good job of hiding them I guess.”

“Nah, you’re fine. Can’t see them at all right now.”

At least he’s not saying anything rude about the fact that I’m a boy wearing makeup. “So do you wear makeup everywhere else too?” Spoke too soon. Where is this going? “Or is your skin naturally that flawless?”

That did not go where I thought it would. That wasn’t rude at all. It was quite...was it sweet? Nice? Cheeky? A mix of things? Probably. “Um, j-just there.”

“Oh, well, whatever you do, you look good.”

Then Calum and Michael came back in and Ashton moved a good extra foot away and dropped the subject all together. Everything went back to the way it was ten minutes before. Stressful for me, but still entertaining.

When the day ended I really was exhausted, but I did my best to make it look like I wasn’t. I suppose it could have been understandable because this was my first proper long day here, but I’ve worked longer hours that were far less enjoyable and I was fine for those. The difference is that with my former sort of customer I wouldn’t say anything unless I had to. I didn’t matter there. But here they were talking to me and I was talking back and what I said almost seemed important to them. Making friends is exhausting.

Finally, we were finished and I could go home. Of course, before I did I had to exchange numbers with everyone (except for Ashton, of course.) I’ll be seeing everyone again tomorrow, so I’m not sure why exactly they wouldn’t let me leave until I had all of their numbers. Not like they would need to text me about anything.

Zayn and Harry were both there when I got home. Since I’ve started a sort of regular routine for myself, the boys have gone back to their own so Liam and Niall are both working, though Liam should be home within an hour or so.

Nothing was said when I got home. Nothing had to be said. I guess they both could tell how exhausted I was, so they just moved a little farther apart where they were sitting on the couch. Seconds later I was sitting in the space that they had made and I had their arms around me. I was asleep long before Liam got home.

The thing about Sundays is that I always feel some sort of twitch inside of me. I wake up early and I feel the need to go somewhere. I suppose that must be because I spent I think twenty or so Sundays doing exactly that. The problem that I have been experiencing for the past seven Sundays (as well as the one where I didn’t come here because they were home for Christmas and the four when I couldn’t see them) is that I can’t go anywhere. These past seven Sundays I have either been at home or with my lawyer. So I have automatically felt wrong. There’s no other way to explain it, just wrong.

This was made worse this specific Sunday. The second day I work with all four of my co-workers. I was the second one there after Calum. I don’t know Calum very well, but from what I can tell he seems like a good person. I like him a lot. But I was still grateful when Luke and then Michael and then finally Ashton showed up. I don’t know him well enough to be comfortable having his attention on me. I mean, I’m not fully comfortable with any of them. Not even Ashton. But it’s especially bad for me today.

They were the same as they were yesterday, but maybe they were sort of including me a bit more now that they know me slightly more.

But they’re just so...loud. And outgoing. And so fucking comfortable. I am none of those things. I will never be any of those things no matter how much I try. But for some reason they don’t seem to care. They seemed to want to talk to me. I didn’t have all that much to say since I have nothing I can talk about for about a quarter of my life and I don’t want to say anything depressing. But what I did have to say was good enough.

I guess that music must have been an even bigger part of their lives than I thought because when they asked me what my favourite songs and artists were and I had nothing to say, they were outraged. Even though I haven’t heard anything in the last five years, my taste has changed since I was sixteen. What I did like isn’t anything I can listen to anymore. A lot of it just hurts to hear.

I’ve listened to some of Harry’s stuff mostly as well as some of the favourites of the others, but I don’t know if I could say that anything would be my favourite. I like it. Especially because of how much they like it. But nothing has spoken to me much as of yet. As good as everything is and as much as I like listening to it, it just isn’t me.

So naturally the boys are insisting that they need to educate me. So they’ve replaced the soft music that had been playing before with whatever they wanted. They were right about it. I like it a lot. I would probably never go see it live because of how wild those concerts would probably be, but I like it all the same.

After introducing me to I think the ninth artist that was new to me I was asked something by Ashton that I wasn’t expecting. “You know, we’ve got set band practice a couple times a week. You should come by some time.”

It’s one thing to be friendly at work. Involving me in the outside world is a completely different thing. That doesn’t happen. It just doesn’t.

Except it did. It is happening. “Sure. Maybe I will.”

Not completely committed. No date asked or accepted. Leaving plenty of space for someone to ask for an out. Until that wasn’t true. “Want to come by Thursday after we’re off?”

Thursday is the next day I work. So I suppose it would make sense for him to ask for then. But that wouldn’t really work… “I’ve got a meeting really early Friday morning. I really shouldn’t do anything the night before.”

I’ve got a meeting with my lawyer Friday morning before work. It starts crazy early, which makes sense because there’s only about three weeks left until the first court date. There’s a lot to cover. And I do appreciate the fact that it will be done at least an hour before my shift starts because lately I’ve been leaving the meetings in tears… It’s part of his job to push me. He has to push me to make sure he gets every little detail out of me. And sometimes he says things that I hate and I have to think about things that hurt, but that is what has to be done in order to build a tight case. So even though I’m going to cry, it will be worth it.

They all looked a little hurt. I must have said that too fast. And just saying ‘a meeting’ must be too vague. I should try and explain. “I’ve got a big thing coming up in a few weeks and there’s just a lot to do before then. I need to be rested if I want to get through everything I have to. Some other time?”

They nodded, but this time there were no suggestions on a new time. Maybe there will be, maybe there won’t.

For a while I was fine. I still felt horribly wrong, but I was fine. I was left alone mostly, just to enjoy the music. Until they saw a man out the windows, coming our way down the street. Luke slung an arm around me and gestured to the man. “This is your chance, Lou.”

“My chance to what?”

He shrugged a little “Flirt. He’s in one of my classes and he is definitely gay and very single. Might even get his number.”

I didn’t get a chance to say no. For one thing, this means that Ashton told him. I don’t do very well at hiding the fact that I’m gay. And it really isn’t a big deal to me. But he told them without my permission. For another thing, I told Ashton that I don’t flirt. I don’t know how to flirt like a normal person. And right now I’m being put on the spot. This is just not fair.

But I can’t say no. I don’t get that option right now. This guy, whatever his name is, is rather attractive I suppose. At least he’s not forty, like most of the men I used to see. I can do this.

I decided to start small. As I took his order I looked him up and down rather obviously, but still realistically, and bit my lip. He definitely noticed, as he blushed faintly but still smirked. “What are you looking at babe?”

Okay, um, no more subtitles. I have to talk. To properly flirt. “Well, we may be in a frozen yogurt shop, but I’m looking at the sweetest thing in this place.”

God, that was shit. Way too cheesy. As Calum set his order down on the counter beside me, the guy spoke again. “Yeah? Well this stuff all looks pretty good to me.” He leant forward and lowered his voice so that I was surely the only one who could hear him. “But I’d much rather take a bite out of you.”

That is not flirting. Not regular flirting, anyway. This is sex flirting. He is insinuating that he wants to have sex with me. He wants to touch me and mark me and fuck me. This is not...you don’t do that. You just don’t. Especially not in public. How could he do that?

But I have to. This is my job right now. “What are you gonna do about that?”

“Was planning on getting your number.”

If he gets my number he will text me and then I’ll have to do something with him. And then we will end up fucking. That will not happen. That is not my job. “Can’t really give you anything off the menu. What about yours?”

Thank god, it worked. He grabbed a pen from his pocket and a napkin and wrote down his number. I took it from him with a wink. “See you around, babe.”

And he walked out. Finally, it’s over. As soon as he was gone the flirty smile dropped off of my face. That was absolutely humiliating. I shouldn’t have ever agreed to do that. Now if I do see him again it will not go well at all. Or Luke is gonna see him in class and he’s gonna be pissed at Luke. It won’t work out for anyone. Why am I so fucking stupid? Why can’t I just say no like a normal person? I feel so fucking dirty. Absolutely filthy.

An arm was thrown around my shoulders, snapping me out of my thoughts. “So you do have some game. You were holding out on us.”

I had no idea what to say, so I just nodded. I looked at the napkin down in my hand. His writing is neat and clear, despite the fact that it’s written on a flimsy piece of paper. It shouldn’t be so neat. So I didn’t let it. I crumpled it up. “What did you do that for?”

I shrugged. “Didn’t really want it.”

I don’t see the problem. They do this all the time. They get numbers all the time and most of them end up in the bin. Is it because I asked? Am I not supposed to do that? I thought that was the point. “Thought you might have been into him.”

I shook my head. “Don’t do that. Didn’t know him.”

You never know what a stranger's intentions are. For me, pretty much every man who I do not know seems to want sex from me. I’d prefer to just avoid that as much as I can. “What do you mean you don’t do that?”

I shrugged again. “Don’t date. Don’t flirt.”

“Well then what did you do that for?”

“I thought...I thought you wanted me to.”

Luke looked slightly taken aback. And suddenly I felt even worse than I have all day. “We...we weren’t trying to make you do anything you weren’t comfortable with. You didn’t have to do that.”

“Oh, um, I’m sorry. I should have known that. M’just being stupid.”

“You don’t have to apologize. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Obviously I did if they all have that look on their faces. I screwed up. I know I did. I guess it’s a lesson for the future. No matter how innocent I try to make it, my flirting always turns into sex. So I should probably just not flirt with anyone.

But right now I am at work and for the past several minutes panic has been bubbling up higher and higher in my stomach. I refuse to have an attack in front of these practical strangers. “Would it be okay if I took my break now?”

I hardly waited for an answer. I got a nod from Michael and I was gone, out to the more or less unoccupied back alley area. I crouched down, not sitting because that would just get me dirty, and tucked in on myself. I tried to breath. I really did. But it’s not going so well. This is the first attack I’ve ever had by myself and I have no idea how to handle it.

I tried running through what Harry would say to me during the few attacks I have had. He always tells me to listen to him and look at him and breath with him and he talks to me the whole way through. He isn’t here to do that right now and replaying the words in my head is not working at all.

Nothing is working.

I felt someone touch me. I couldn’t see them at all since my vision is practically blacked out and I can hardly hear them through the haze surrounding me. But someone is touching me and I don’t know who. They can’t do that. You cannot touch someone without their permission. Never ever never not ever. I tried to move away from the hand that was squeezing my shoulder but I can’t move. My lungs aren’t working, my eyes aren’t working, my ears aren’t working, and my body isn’t working. Nothing is working right now. I can’t fix anything.

Thank god, after an amount of time that I can’t pretend to have any understanding of, the hand left.

Ever so slowly the voice started to blur just a little less and eventually I could make out words. I still can’t see, but there is a person here telling me to breath. No shit, like I haven’t tried that already. I can’t get air in my lungs.

But I try. Do I ever try. I made the barely existent gasps of air grow until they were still unhealthily hasty, but I could almost sort of breathe. Whoever is here is trying to help me breath by breathing deeply himself loudly. But they’re doing it wrong. I don’t know why it’s wrong, but they aren’t helping me. At least the fact that I can hear them properly now is a good sign.

I got out. I don’t know how long I’ve been here, wherever here is because my vision is still a little blurry and I can’t see very well. But I got out. It turns out that the reason I couldn’t see was that I was crying and my eyes were mostly shut. Once I opened them and wiped away the tears I found that I am still in the alley, miraculously still crouching and not sitting or flopped over. And the person who is here is Ashton. Of course it’s Ashton. Of course he had to see me like this. I would have rather had it be a complete stranger because then I would never have to see them again after this. But now I have made a fool of myself in front of a person whom I will be seeing multiple times a week for the foreseeable future. Unless I quit. But I’d rather not do that.

“Hey, Lou, you there?” I properly looked up at him, making eye contact as well as I can. “Keep breathing, babe. Just keep breathing.”

I did and he kept looking at me. Why is he looking at me like that? Why does he look so sad? Was I really so disgusting that it brought down his high spirits? “What do you need? How can I help you.”

It took me a minute to figure out how to form words again. Once I finally figured it out, I croaked out a soft ‘water.’ I must have been crying hard if I’ve wrecked my throat this much. “Okay. We can get that for you. But you’re going to have to come inside now.”

I shook my head rapidly. No. Not when I look like this. Ashton seeing me was bad enough, the other three can’t do that too. “Sorry, babe. But you really need to get inside. I can’t just leave you out here. I can carry you if you want.”

That would be completely embarrassing. There are even more people out there. So many people who can look at me and wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. “No. Shit, no, please. I can walk. Just give me a minute. I’ll be fine.”

He gave me a break, but he was still looking at me. I just want to go home. But I know I can’t do that. At this point when I can still can’t breathe and my head feels like it’s full of sawdust, there is no way I can get home by myself. I have no choice but to go with Ashton.

After a couple minutes I allowed him to put an arm around my waist and help me walk the thirty or so small steps back into the shop. It shouldn’t take so much effort. But it is. Aside from after the attack a week ago, I haven’t ever felt this exhausted. I needed him to hold me up, even if I didn’t really want touch.

Calum was sweeping while the other two were doing something or another behind the counter. “Where’ve you been, Ash? You already had your break.” And then he noticed me. I’ve never seen myself after an attack. If I look anywhere near as bad as I feel, I look disgusting. As soon as he saw me he grabbed the nearest chair and helped Ashton sit me down as gently as they could. “What happened.”

Ashton looked like he was going to answer, but he didn’t. He must not know what happened. Which makes sense, there are loads of types of things that could look like that. So I answered, out of breath once more. “Panic attack.”

I heard Luke mutter ‘shit’ under his breath and Michael immediately came over with a (frozen yogurt) cup of water which I drank so fast it made my head pound a little.

Then Calum pulled the cord of the open sign out and locked the door and we were apparently closed. “We st-still have an hour left.”

He shook his head. “Melissa won’t mind. Probably would have only gotten a few more anyway. You’re more important right now.”

“I’m fine. Just let me go clean myself up and I’ll be good to go.”

“No offence, mate.” Ashton crouched down in front of me so that I was basically forced to look directly into his eyes. “But you’re not in very good shape right now. What you need to do is calm down and go home. And there is no way you can walk however far you live away, so is there anyone you can call to come and get you? If not, we’ll take you.”

I nodded. He’s right. I can’t work. If I customer tried to order something I’d probably have to get them to repeat it a dozen times. Or maybe I’d just pass out. Who knows. I could have Ashton take me, but I hardly know him and I don’t want to be a burden. So I grabbed my phone from my pocket and called the first person I thought of.

“Hey, babe.”

He sounded like he was tired. God, now I feel bad about calling. He’s probably doing homework. “Hi, Harry.”

“What’s wrong? What happened?”

Of course he would pick it up immediately. Of course. “Where are you?”

If he’s at the library or something I can’t make him come get me. That’s farther away. “Home. Why? What’s going on?”

“I had another attack.”

I could hear a soft, quick intake of breath. “Shit, baby. Are you okay? Are you safe where you are? Are you by yourself.”

“I’m fine, just tired. I’m still at work so no, I’m not alone. Can you please come get me?”

“Yeah. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Shit, traffic is bad right now. But I promise I’ll be there in ten minutes. Do you need me to stay on the phone with you?”

“You don’t need to. I’m okay, really. I’ll see you soon.”

“Yeah. Just keep breathing, baby. I’ll be there really soon.”

In the background, right before he hung up, I could hear the sound of him thundering down the stairs. He really must be in a rush if I can hear is footsteps over the phone. “Someone’s coming?”

I nodded. “Yeah. He’ll be here.”

“Good. Good. Now, um, do you want to talk about what happened?”

No. I absolutely do not. But I can tell that that isn’t really an option. “Dunno. Just wasn’t a good day.”

“Can you please elaborate?” I didn’t answer. “Please, Louis.”

Fine. “Sundays are just a weird day. Every Sunday. Was a good enough day before that guy came. But then I figured out that you told them about me. You told them without asking if it was okay. And then I just...I’m really stupid sometimes. I have issues with saying no. So when Luke told me to flirt with that guy, I did. But I don’t like flirting. Feels dirty. Bad dirty. But I did it cause I’m stupid. Then he...he said something bad to me. I didn’t like it, but I kept going cause I thought I was supposed to. Then he gave me his number and I felt dirtier. And then...I was just thinking too much. I do that a lot. Like, you never know what people are gonna do with stuff like that. He could find me or one of you and do stuff. I just feel really stupid and embarrassed right now. Can I please stop talking?”

“Yeah, of course. But can I tell you something? Clear up some stuff?” I nodded. “Okay, well, I’m sorry I told them. You’re right, I really should have asked. I mean, I hardly even confirmed things with you, so it was wrong of me to say anything. But I did because I knew that nothing bad would come out of it. None of us are anywhere near being homophobic so you don’t need to be scared about that.”

“I wasn’t scared. I’ve been out since I was fifteen. I just don’t like it when people talk about me about stuff like that.”

“Okay. We won’t talk about that again. But I’m going to tell you something else, okay? You are not stupid. I don’t...I honestly don’t really understand why you thought you had to do that, but whatever the reason was you are not stupid.” I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. “Now, can you maybe tell us what we can do if you have another attack? I know I didn’t help at all and since we don’t exactly know everything that could be a trigger, we want to be prepared.”

I thought for a minute. He did do most things that I need. But there are definitely other things that could help. “Most of the time, when they happen I don’t really understand where I am. So if you can tell me that, that helps a lot. And it helps if you tell me that I’m safe. I know that it’s weird, but I forget that too. And also, you have to say who you are. You were good with the whole breathing thing. That did help a bit, the rest of the stuff just messed me up. And also, you can’t touch me when I’m having one. Because like I said, I don’t know where I am or who you are so touching freaks me out. I think that’s everything.”

“Do you have these attacks a lot?”

I shrugged. “Not really. Had my first one back in October and I’ve had around ten since. They just happen when I’m really stressed or confused. This one was probably one of the worst, just because I was alone for most of it.”

“Okay. Well, if you’re here and you think that you’re about to have one, can you tell one of us? We’ll do whatever we can to help you through it.”

Just then, Harry’s car sped into the parking stall. Michael quickly unlocked the door before Harry ran into it. “You okay, baby? What do you need? Can I get anything for you.”

“I’m fine, Harry. They took care of me. I’m just tired.”

“Okay. I’m gonna take you home. You can rest when we get there.” He scooped me up into his arms (I didn’t really want to be carried, but his car is five steps out the door so I guess I can deal with it) and held me up with one arm. He turned to the boys, who had moved closer together. “Thank you. For taking care of him.”

They just nodded and gave soft smiles. And Harry carried me outside and set me down in the car. Once he was back in on his side and was driving away, he spoke again. “Can you tell me what happened?”

I already went through this once, I refuse to do it again. “It was just a misunderstanding. They didn’t do anything wrong, I promise. I overreacted. Ashton found me and did what he could to help me and they all took care of me and helped me calm down the rest of the way. Then I called you. That’s it.”

“Okay. Are you sure you’re okay? Last time you had an attack without someone there the whole time…”

“I know what I did. But I didn’t do that. We talked and I understand what happened now and so do they. And I told them how to help if I ever have one around them again. I’m fine, really.”

“Good. It’s really good that you were able to talk to them. So you like them then?”

“Yeah. I mean, they’re nice and they’re funny and I like their music and since they could have easily just left me there or gotten mad at me, I think they like me well enough. We get along. Obviously I don’t know them well and they probably won’t ever know a lot of things about me. But I still like them. I’d like to be their friend.”

“It would be good for you to make some more friends. Branch out a little.”

Of course I know that. I’ve had four real friends my entire life. I had a couple friends who I was around for a few years when I was younger. But none that really counted. It would be nice to have other people I could go to if I wanted someone to talk to. Or just to hang out with. It would be great to have people who didn’t know my life history, and just have people get to know me as who I am now. Of course, they will inevitably learn other things about me that I’d rather they didn’t.

But maybe if they got to know me well enough, perhaps all those things won’t matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Extra long chapter! Sorry if there's any spelling or grammar mistakes, I'm sick and looking at my laptop screen kind of hurts my eyes so I edited this super fast.
> 
> My birthday is tomorrow, and do you know what would make great birthday presents? Comments and kudos!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	15. Chapter 15

Lawyers and meetings suck ass. There are two weeks left until the trial and I have spent every day of it working or in meetings or talking to people from the house. In the last week I have had three minor panic attacks from the stress of it all. That’s a new personal record.

I just want a break. One fucking day where I don’t have to think of any of it. Work is sort of a break, as weird as it sounds. They don’t know about what’s happening, so of course they don’t ask. But I can’t stop thinking about it. It is my biggest concern right now. So of course I can’t forget it.

I want things to go well and there is a chance that it will. There is a very good chance that the jury just won’t understand. And if they don’t, Carl (who’s last name is apparently Adams) will be free to pick up as many kids and he wants and Bradshaw can nearly kill as many people as he wants. It needs to go well.

This stress is fucking with my head.

Since my attack at work last week, the boys have taken to picking me up from work every single shift. I don’t mind. At the end of the day I’m exhausted so saving me from walking for twenty minutes works perfectly fine for me.

Ashton has been crazy cautious around me every time we’ve worked together since my attack. He’s not saying nearly as much. What he is saying isn’t as in depth as it was last week. It’s all surface stuff. Talking about customers and occasionally, music. Stuff that doesn’t matter too much.

I hate it. I thought I was making progress. I thought I was making friends. I guess I must have scared him off.

Today is my third shift with all four of them. First time seeing Luke, Michael, and Calum since Harry carried me out of there. And they are acting much like Ashton. It’s not like they’re ignoring me. They are talking. They’re just not saying much. They’re hardly saying anything to each other either. But they keep whispering amongst themselves. Just quiet enough that I can’t hear them. Who knows what they might be saying.

But I can see them. They definitely don’t think I can because they only do it when my back is turned. But I can. And after them doing it for four hours I am sick of it.

“You know I can see you, right? You don’t have to be so fucking gentle with me. I’m not gonna break. If you think I’m weird or fucked up that’s fine. I get it. Just please don’t talk behind my back like that.”

I don’t know what they had been saying.They could have been talking about me. But they could have been talking about anything else too. Maybe it was just regular stuff that they didn’t want me to hear. It really doesn’t matter what they’ve been saying. Even if they’re saying things about me, I’d rather have them say it out loud.

They looked startled. I haven’t said much at all today. And nothing with that tone. Luke especially. He looked like his stomach just dropped out of his ass. “W-we didn’t mean any harm. We just really didn’t want to cause another...you know. Like I did last week.”

It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t anyone’s fault. It was just an unfortunate event that was absolutely not Luke’s fault. “Look. I am fucked up. I do have attacks. And yeah, they suck. They are scary and exhausting as fuck. But I have had three since I last saw you. And I am fine. I usually need a nap and a bit of quiet time with some people I trust afterwards, but then I am fine. And I’m not going to have one just from one word. Some people do, but I don’t. They only happen when I’m really stressed or I freak myself out. So please just...be normal. I’m not gonna die if you talk about stuff other than the weather.”

Luke nodded, a shy smile appearing on his lips. Looking at me like he understood. “I know they don’t cause permanent damage, but I also know that they suck when they happen. I used to have them sometimes a few years ago. I guess we were probably overreacting, huh?” I nodded. They were. I get where they’re coming from. Especially now that I know that Luke used to experience the same sort of thing. I guess that must be how they all sort of had an idea on how to handle it. “But can you promise that you’ll tell us if you feel uncomfortable with something we do or say?” I nodded again. “Then we’ll work on the whole normal thing.”

The first thing that happened was that the music was changed from some soft music to their music. That certainly helped everyone relax. After a few hours we were back to the way we were last week before anything happened. I could tell that they were still being a bit careful. They weren’t flirting with customers today. And the topic of sex was avoided. Which I was fine with. 

Except that they were obviously stopping themselves from saying some things. That’s something I did not want to happen. So I guess I’m going to have to fix that. “So what kind of stuff does your band play?”

That lit everyone up just a bit and Calum was more than happy to answer. “Mostly covers. Stuff like this.” Meaning the music that was playing. “But we started writing some original stuff a while back.”

“That’s sick. How did you start up?”

“Knew each other back in Australia.”

Michael chimed in with his slightly excited, louder voice. “Calum and I have been friends since we were little, but Luke and I hated each other. We bonded over music.”

Calum nodded, agreeing. “Yeah, that’s true. Then we got a proper gig and we figured out that we needed a drummer, so Michael facebook messaged Ashton and we were officially a band.”

“So you’re like, pretty professional then.”

Ashton gave a shrug. “Pretty sure you have to be making a living off of it for it to count as professional. But we book gigs wherever we can. It’s sort of why we all moved out here. Better connections available. You wouldn’t still be interested in coming to a rehearsal, would you? We could always use an audience to practice in front of.”

This is it. Exactly what I wanted. A break. “I’d love to. When and where?”

“Tonight maybe? If you’re free.”

I don’t have anything tomorrow that I need to be up early for, so why not? “Yeah. For sure.”

“Great. We, um, we usually start an hour or two after we finish up here. We rehearse in our garage. We could come and pick you up, or you could just come back with us right when we’re done. Either works.”

“Maybe the first one. I always have dinner with my boys at home.”

“You know, you’ve haven’t really talked about your friends much. They seem a little bit...overbearing. Like, you always say that you have to get home immediately and shit like that.”

“They’re just protective. They don’t control what I do. Some shit has happened and they just like to be sure that I’m safe. They’re all really great. I’d known them for ages before I left and we re-connected not long ago.”

“Why did you leave?”

Damn it. Just when things were going well. It’s okay, Louis. It’s an innocent question. You are allowed to be vague. “Things weren’t going well with my dad. So I left. Came to London and started working right away.”

“How old were you?”

“Sixteen. I know, I must seem like an idiot for running away like that. It was easier to just leave than deal with what was happening.”

The boys were listening intently. I’m really glad no customers have come in since we started talking, or this would be awkward. “Do you ever regret leaving?”

Ashton’s voice had gotten softer and he had moved closer to me. I did my best to keep myself calm. I’m doing pretty damn well, if I do say so myself. “I think about it sometimes. I don’t think that things would have gotten any worse than they already were. And a lot of shitty stuff has happened because I decided to leave. But in the end, no. I don’t regret it. There’s no way I could have handled living there longer than I did.”

I think he could tell that I was starting to get a little uncomfortable so he backed off and the subject was changed. And then it really did go back to like it was last week. Now that that has happened I feel closer to them, now that they know that little tidbit of information about me.

Slowly more jokes were made and girls were flirted with and they were back to being unexplainably tactile. And this week, it felt better. This week I liked it. So when Ashton had his arm around my waist when we were ready to leave and Harry walked in, I didn’t think anything of it. It felt too natural. It wasn’t until Harry was glaring at his arm that I realized that maybe it wasn’t supposed to be there. I said goodbye to everyone and went around the counter to where Harry was. “You ready to go, darling?”

Him calling me like that is a little strange. He usually only does that when we’re alone or I need comfort. So to say call me that in front of my four new friends is definitely strange. I turned back around to say something else before I left, which is exactly when things got uncomfortable. Harry put his hands on my hips and moved in close until my ass was pressed against him. That is just...that is not okay. You do not do this with your friends who you know have issues with intimate touch. You especially don’t do this in front of people you don’t know.

“So I’ll come by around eight to pick you up, yeah?” Ashton asked. We had agreed earlier that he would be the one to pick me up.

Harry reacted to that question faster than I could. He rucked up my shirt just enough to rub at the now bare and visible skin on my left hip. “Y-yeah. I’ll text you the address. I’ll see you guys later.”

I left as fast as I could, but not fast enough for Harry to be forced to detach himself from me. I walked out of there with his hand just above the swell of my ass. I made it until we were in the car before I freaked. “What the fuck was that?”

“What did he mean by he’s coming to pick you up?”

“I’m serious, Harry. Why did you do that?”

“Are you going out with him?”

“What? No, Harry. I’m going to watch their band practice. Not that that’s any of your business. Why were you doing that? You know I don’t like being touched like that. Especially not in public.”

“Yeah? Then why weren’t you freaking out at him? He was touching you and you didn’t do a thing about that.”

“That is very different and you know it. That was just friendly, platonic touching. What you did was not okay.”

“That was not platonic. Not with the way he was looking at you.”

“Is that what this is about? You touched me in a way that you know very well was going to make me uncomfortable just because another guy touched me?”

“He needs to know that you’re not his to touch.”

“What? Did you...are you saying that you touched me because you had to show him that I belong to you? Like I’m your fucking property? Fuck you, Harry. You know very well that I am not yours.”

“You might as well be. We both know that you will be.”

I had to take a pause when I said that. I tried to believe that that is just the jealousy and anger talking. Except it’s really not. “There are so many things wrong with what you just said. First of all, I am not a fucking trophy or toy. I do not belong to you. I belong to myself and no one else. Secondly, I never said that I would date you. I do have feelings for you. But I said maybe. And maybe does not mean yes. Get that in your huge fucking head. I told you that you were free to go find a different option. It’s only fair that I’m allowed to be free to do the same if I want to.”

“Is this whole figuring yourself out thing even happening? Or is that just an excuse for you to not get with me. Because by the looks of it, you’ve grabbed the first guy who was remotely interested in you and you’ve hopped right on his dick.”

For a second I thought that he would apologize. That he would realize what he just said to me and tell me that that wasn’t what he meant. But he didn’t. We had arrived so he parked the car and he just sat in silence. “So that’s what you think of me, huh? You just called me a slut. You know what? I’d rather be a boy who hops on every dick than one who does what you did to another person. You are such a manipulative asshole. How many times to I have to tell you that I do not want to date you? I have said it countless times and yet you’re still doing this. What do you do, huh? What do you do that keeps you hung up on me? Do you fantasize about me? Picture me getting fucked by you? Tying me up and treating me like your little bitch? Cause that’s obviously what I am to you. Just a person you can make do whatever the fuck you want when you want it. News flash, Harry. I am not yours and I never have to be yours.”

I got out and slammed the door behind myself. I walked as fast as I possibly could to keep as large of a distance as I could between us after he got out. When I got into the apartment I completely ignored Niall and Liam making out on the couch and Zayn cooking something in the kitchen. I don’t really have a space of my own in this place for me to go. So I hid out in the bathroom and angry cried.

Maybe an hour later Harry came knocking on the door. “Come out, babe. I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry for pushing your boundaries.”

Pushing? Pushing? He did not push. He fucking slaughtered them. He grabbed a huge ass fucking machete and hacked my boundaries to pieces until they didn’t even exist anymore. He didn’t give a shit about them then, so why should I believe that he cares right now?

I ignored him.

I didn’t leave the room until about half an hour before Ashton was supposed to come and get me. Harry was sitting on the couch. He looked like he was going to say something, so naturally I held up a hand to signal for him not to. And he didn’t. I only came out to grab some clothes and then I walked right back in. I changed and I fixed my hair and re-covered up the slightly yellowed bruising that remained on my neck and jaw and made sure that I didn’t look like I had been crying.

I hadn’t really been looking when I grabbed my clothes, I just grabbed the first clean thing I had in my cupboard. I had accidentally grabbed my tightest pair of jeans and the tightest t-shirt. I think I look pretty damn sexy. I hadn’t exactly tried to look like this. But I do look really good.

Pretty soon after I was finished checking myself out, Ashton called. “Hey, Lou. Are you ready to go?”

“Yeah, I’ll be down in just a minute.”

I quickly left the bathroom and the apartment, ignoring Harry once again. I dashed to the elevator. “Are you okay? You didn’t look so good when that guy came to pick you up.”

“Ash, I’ll be there in less than a minute. Let’s not talk about that over the phone.”

I stepped out of the building right then. Luckily, Ashton’s car was parked right in front so I didn’t have to look for him. For a supposedly broke uni student/musician he has a pretty nice car. “Hey Lou, you ready to go?”

For not even a second I saw him look down at the rest of me, but then his gaze went right back to my eyes. “Yeah, really looking forward to this.”

“We are just amateurs, you know. Don’t get too excited or we’ll just let you down.”

“I’ve heard you all singing. And if you’re anywhere near as good with some actual drumsticks as you are with a couple of spoons I already know that you’re great.”

“I guess we’ll have to see.”

The four of them have a small house together. It’s nice. Nothing special, but the outside looks nice. The inside is nice as well. It’s not very decorated and it’s a little bit untidy, but it looks comfortable and lived in. “Come on, we rehearse in the garage. Others are already out there.”

It was at this time when I realized how differently Ashton was dressed from how he usually would be at work. His t-shirt is a bit ripped so his tanned skin is a bit visible and his curls are tied up with a bandana. He looks good. Really good.

They were indeed already in the garage just sitting on a couch that was pushed to the side of the room. I couldn’t help but think that it was just a little bit weird that they have a garage and yet they don’t use it for their two cars. But I guess the garage is probably the only place there would be enough room to have a proper rehearsal.

They all looked a little bit different here than at work. For sure much more relaxed. They are in the exact place they should be, together with their instruments. They all greeted me and we transferred spots so that they pushed me onto the old looking couch (which is more comfortable than it looks) and they went to their instruments. “You ready, Lou?”

“Absolutely. Blow my mind.”

And holy fucking shit, did they ever. They switched between covers and their own songs. Which in my opinion, were all beyond excellent. They are all ridiculously skilled and I love their voices and they absolutely are destined to perform together.

At some point along the way Ashton lost his shirt (which I guess makes sense, he’s going pretty hard on those drums) and it was just a bit distracting to say the least. Especially since he’s so sweaty.

After maybe a dozen songs they decided that it was about time for a break. So grabbed a couple bottles of water and came and sat beside me. Yet another couch that is definitely too small for five people to sit comfortably. So we were all pressed tight together, arms around each other to get them out of the way.

I know that I’ve only known them for a short while, but I have gotten really comfortable around them in the past...well, in the past ten hours really. Maybe it’s because I don’t really feel all that judged by them. With the fact that they already know a bit of shit about me and they don’t treat me much differently and the way they feel comfortable enough to be completely themselves around me, I think it makes sense.

So when conversation became more personal there was only brief moments of hesitation on my part every so often, each of which I got over remarkably quickly. And the next thing I knew, we were talking about sex. Wild jump, going from music to sex. But it happened. Thanks to Michael, of course. He apparently isn’t shy about this topic. “Okay, so, there’s a thing that I have always wanted to know but Luke, Calum, and I are too straight and Ashton won’t tell us. I mean, you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to but…what exactly does bottoming feel like?”

Okay, not expecting that. How do I even answer that? “You know that I would definitely tell you if I experienced it.” Said Ashton, teasing lightly.

Tonight I was expecting to listen to them play and maybe talk to them a bit. But mostly to relax. Not to discuss anal sex with my new friends. “I don’t know. It feels...usually it feels pretty good. But it sort of depends on the other guy. If you’re not prepped properly or if the top doesn’t give a shit about how the bottom is feeling then it doesn’t feel that good. But if the guy can find your prostate then it feels nice.”

“Does dick size matter much with anal?”

“Not really. Like I said, as long as he can get at the prostate then it’s good. But a big dick can help.”

“Biggest dick you’ve ever had?”

I thought for a second. “Eleven inches, I think. Guy had a big dick, but I’m pretty sure that most of it was in his personality. Didn’t do anything for me.” The memory is not a fond one. Fucked me so hard I was bleeding and crying. I finally sort of realized exactly what sort of discussion we were having. “Oh my god, talking about this is the absolute gayest thing I have ever done. And I’ve had orgies, so that’s saying something.

Fuck shit fucking shit. I think I forgot who I was talking to for a second. It doesn’t matter what you’re talking about. You do not talk about orgies with new friends. That’s even worse about talking about anal. I guess Ashton thinks the same. “You’ve...you’ve had orgies? As in multiple?”

Fuck, they must think I’m so disgusting now. “I-I don’t do that anymore. Don’t do any of that anymore. Haven’t for awhile. I’m not a...you know what”

“Hey, no, I never said you were anything. It’s fine. You’re allowed to do whatever you want.”

“We’re gonna, um, we’re gonna go look for some snacks.” 

Smooth exit, Calum. They all left and Ashton and I were left completely alone. Did I mention that he’s not wearing a shirt? Because he’s still not wearing a shirt. And it’s even more distracting when we’re about to have what will probably be a very uncomfortable discussion. “You know we won’t think badly of you for doing that sort of thing, right? Sex doesn’t make you a bad person. Even if it’s, you know, with multiple people. Are you okay right now? Because you don’t seem very okay right now.”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry, I just usually don’t talk about this sort of stuff with anyone. It just slipped out.”

“Don’t worry about it.” His arm was around me. He started gently moving his fingertips soothingly over my shoulder. “Just wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“I am.”

“Good. You know, um, you didn’t seem that okay earlier. You know, when that guy was touching you.”

“That was...that was just Harry. He gets weird sometimes.”

“Why was he doing that when you obviously weren’t okay with it?”

I shrugged, moving his arm a little as I did. He moved it right back and possibly held me a little closer. “I don’t know. He wasn’t jealous but like...he didn’t like the fact that you were touching me, I guess. So he decided to make a show of it. He wanted to show you that I didn’t belong to you.”

“I thought you weren’t dating anyone.”

“I’m not. I’m not dating him. But we sort of had a thing for awhile.”

“So he was touching you in a way that he knew you didn’t like just because he didn’t want me to touch you. You don’t belong to him.”

“I know. That’s exactly what I told him. Thanks for understanding.”

“No problem, babe. How could I not get it? He was being an arsehole.”

There was a pause and I took in what was happening. I am being held by a funny, sweet, gorgeous, sweaty, and shirtless boy. And I don’t know how I’m feeling or what I want to be feeling.

“I don’t know...shit, I don’t know what you’re thinking right now. And I know that we don’t know each other very well. But I want to. I really want to get to know you. Everything about you. I mean, you’re beautiful. And I really like talking to you. And I really really want to kiss you right now. Louis, I like you.”

And then he was leaning forward and holy shit this is a thing that is happening and fucking shit, Harry was right. He was fucking right. I must give off a slutty aura or something. I have slept with every single man who is attracted to men that I have ever met. Why would Ashton be any different. How could I be so stupid that I would believe that it would all just go away?

So I repeated an action for the third time in the last couple hours. I held up a hand to block him. He was definitely surprised when his lips hit my hand instead of my lips. “I-I’m sorry. I can’t…”

“It’s fine.” He looked rather dejected “I guess I was misreading signals.”

Thank fucking god be backed off, but he was reading me. I made him think I wanted him. I made him think that and I wasn’t even trying to. I am perpetually doomed to be a slut. I wouldn’t be surprised if I get raped again someday soon because I’m such a fucking slut.

“Hey hey hey, look at me.” He gently put a finger on the side of my chin to make me face him. Oh god, he’s gonna try it again. “I’m not mad.” Thank fucking Jesus, he’s not trying it again. “You’re allowed to say no.” Sometimes I forget that. “And I’m not gonna kick you out or get you fired or anything just because you don’t want to kiss me.” That is another major relief. “I mean, I like you and I thought that you liked me too. So I’m a bit upset. But it’s my fault for reading you wrong. Guess I read you the way I wanted you.”

“No. It’s my fault. I messed up again. I must have been flirting or being slutty or something. I must have been.” I tucked my knees up into my chest, feeling the need to become as small and invisible as I possibly could.

“You really weren’t, Louis. I mean, maybe you were flirting just a little. But not really after the first two times we talked.”

“No. I must have been. I always do. I always act like a slut. Whenever any guy is remotely interested in me I turn into a slut. Harry was right about me.”

“You need to calm down. Breathe for a minute with me.”

I hadn’t realized that I had really started to panic until he told me to breathe. But I suppose that’s how it usually works with me. I never know what’s happening until after it already is. I did breathe with Ashton. He followed my tips on how to speak to me during this sort of thing, so that really helped a lot. Since I was hardly going under at that point it didn’t take nearly as long as it usually would to calm down.

“You feeling okay now?” I nodded. I am, yeah. Still rather freaked out, but I think that I’m thinking a bit straighter now. He handed me a water bottle and I took a few sips. “Do you want to talk about this?” I thought for a minute. No, I don’t want to talk about it. But I freaked out in front of him and he probably thinks that this is his fault, so he deserves an explanation. I nodded. “Can you start with Harry? Because I know that you were upset by whatever it is he did and it seems like that probably played into this.”

“Is it okay if I sort of go back to the beginning? Stuff probably won’t make sense if I don’t.”

“Of course, do whatever you need to do.”

“Okay, so, um, I mentioned that Harry and I used to have a thing. We did. We were dating. It wasn’t, like, proper dating because I could only see him on Sundays. And I only was properly alone with him a few times through the four months we were together. But it was nice, yeah? He cared about me a lot, which is a thing that I’m not really used to. I cared about him a lot too. But then a bad thing happened and we broke up. I don’t want to say what it was, it was just bad and it was my fault. But then a month later we were reunited and we were talking and he’s just so sweet to me all the time, you know? And he asked me if I wanted to get back together with him. I did want to. But I couldn’t. Some bad stuff has happened to me, and I realized that I couldn’t date him because I have no idea who I am, you know? I wanted to figure out who I was as just Louis and not as Harry’s boyfriend.”

I took a deep breath and paused. I’m starting to get myself a little worked up. “I told him that he should really try and move on because even though I still have feelings for him, I don’t know when I’ll be okay enough to try dating. But he didn’t move on. He still likes me too. He brings it up sometimes. Sometimes when we’re alone and things are really nice and I’m happy, he’ll ask me if I’m ready. I always say no and he was sort of okay with that. But then he walked into the shop today and he saw us touching and he didn’t like it. So then he was touching me, and I didn’t like it and he knows that I don’t like to be touched the way he was touching me, especially when other people can see me.”

I took another break. “He was really mad. Really mad at me because I was letting another boy touch me when I wouldn’t let him. I told him it was platonic, but I guess I was wrong about that too.” Ashton winced, just slightly. The guilt grew inside of me. “I asked him why he was so mad, and he said it was because I wasn’t yours to touch. That I didn’t belong to you. Like I was an object. Which in my experience, isn’t far from the truth. I don’t feel like a proper person a lot of the time.” Another break. “But anyway. I got mad at him for saying that about me and I said that I didn’t belong to him. But he said that I basically did, or that I would soon.”

Another break to calm myself down. Ashton started to rub circles into my shoulder, like he had been doing before. “So I got even more mad at him. And I said that I could choose who I did things like touching with. But then he accused me of lying to him about why I couldn’t date him. And then he...he basically called me a slut. Said that I had found the first guy who was even just a bit interested in me and that I was gonna jump on him. That’s it. I know I overreacted a lot. I do that a lot, too. But it bothered me a lot because it made me feel less like a person. I’ve been, like, working on that a lot in the last few months and then it felt like I hadn’t done anything at all. And he basically confirmed all the stuff I’ve been trying to stop myself from thinking. Harry is the person who takes care of me. He pretty much always has been. But now the person who is supposed to care about me the most, is treating me like shit so I feel like shit and I feel dirty and disgusting and I just really don’t know what I’m supposed to do to fix things.”

“It seems to me like it’s not up to you to fix things.”

“What?”

“He messed up.”

“But I said bad things about him too.”

“What did you say?”

“I was just being really nasty to him. I was...I was making it sound like it was bad that he still likes me. I was basically just saying that he wasn’t a good person because he asks me if I want to date him. And I got carried away, saying that he probably fantasized about treating me like his little bitch because he was talking to me like I was.”

“Okay, well, that is a little bad. But that was all follow up stuff, right?” I nodded. “You said that after he did and said a lot of stuff to you even though he knew that those were the exact things that really bothered you. You saying that wasn’t a very good thing. Do you know how he feels about those things you said?”

I shook my head. “No. We didn’t talk after. But I was picking on the fact that he has feelings for me. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“No, but he is the one who really messed up. He really upset you and he knew it, and it seems like he just kept going with it. I can’t tell you what to do about this, but I do think that you have the right to be upset. What happened after the fight?”

“Well, um, after I said those things I sort of stormed out and I locked myself in the bathroom. An hour later he came to apologize, but I ignored him. And then when I went to get some clothes to change into he tried again, but I didn’t let him.”

“It’s okay to let him feel guilty about this, okay? I don’t think it’s a bad thing to make him think about what he did and why it was wrong. You can wait until you’re ready before you talk to him.”

“Thank you.”

“No problem, Lou. Anytime.”

“I’m sorry that I don’t…”

“Stop apologizing for that, Lou. It’s just a little crush. I’ll get over it. Don’t feel bad about it.”

“You really are a great person, you know? You’re funny and nice and attractive and talented and in general you’re just wonderful. But I have issues. Even if Harry weren’t a problem, I’m still not in a place where I can date or do pretty much anything intimate. I think that you would be an amazing boyfriend, I just don’t think that we belong together.”

“I can understand that, and I won’t push it. We’re still gonna be friends. How are you feeling now?”

“A lot better, actually. Been under a lot of pressure lately and it’s nice to get it off my chest. So thanks for that.”

“No problem.”

He looked like he wanted to say something else, so I asked. “What are you thinking?”

He bit his lip as if pondering a difficult decision. But then in the end he did speak. “I don’t want you to take this in the wrong way, but I was just thinking something. You live with Harry, yeah?” He didn’t give me space to answer before he continued. “I was thinking that maybe you wanted some space from him before you have to talk. So maybe, you can absolutely say no here, but do you want to stay the night? Not like, in an intimate way with me or anything. Just on the couch or something. Just take a break from him.”

I did think about it. For a few minutes, in fact. It sounded really good to me. I’d like to have a proper break from everything. If I go home Harry might be there waiting to apologize, or he’ll be somewhere else and I’ll wish he were with me. Either way, I don’t want to go home. But Ashton… “Are you sure that would be okay?”

He nodded. “Yeah. Absolutely.”

“Then, if you’re sure you’re okay with it and if the others are okay with it, then I’d really appreciate it.”

“It’s settled then.” He paused and looked at the door “We’ve been here talking for at least twenty minutes, yeah?”

“About that, yeah.”

“If I know them as well as I think I do, then they’ve definitely been listening through the door for most of that time.”

“Oh.”

“Does that...does that bother you? That they might have heard that?”

“I don’t think so, no. Just means they won’t ask about it too.”

“Do you want to go bitch at them anyway?”

“Absolutely.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for making Harry such an asshole in this chapter. I'm sure that he's not like that, but it was necessary for the plot. Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Let me know what you thought!
> 
> For the first time in ages I've been writing new chapters for this fic. I've been distracted by all the other fics I've been working on. Don't worry, I won't let this fic fall behind.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	16. Chapter 16

Last night I had texted Zayn sometime after band practice ended. I just told him that I wouldn’t be home and not to wait up for me. The rest of the night was spent watching a few movies.

Ashton was really great about the whole thing. He was noticeably less touchy, and he did not sit beside me on the couch. Also, he had put his shirt back on. But I got it. And I didn’t mind that he put a bit of distance between us. It’s probably for the best. And it’s not like he started being an ass to anyone, he was still Ashton.

I did stay the night. On the sitting room couch, of course. We all worked the next day, so thank god Calum happens to have an extra uniform shirt because I didn’t want to go home quite yet. It was rather big on me, but it was fine.

The past eighteen or so hours, since after Aston and I talked to now at work, really have been like a break. It’s been really nice, just talking to them and listening to some music and working a little bit, but mostly just goofing off. No one has asked me anything about the cases or anything related to that. It’s been exactly what I need. A short break when I can stop thinking.

And then I was thinking in dangerous amounts.

Work has been especially slow today, just a dozen or so pairs or trios of girls, a few moms with some kids, and the odd guy. Which gave us plenty of time to not give a shit. Then there was one very small rush. Not really a rush at all, just a few groups of girls who came in about a minute apart. The boys were busy chatting them up, so when middle aged man came in it was up to me to deal with him.

He walked in with a smirk on his face and I didn’t get why until I properly looked at him. I remember him. How many guys are there, that they just randomly stumble upon me with that look on their face. I tried to fake being normal. “Hello, how can I help you?”

He was looking me up and down, and I was wishing that this shirt was hiding more of me. “You can give me a bit of sugar.”

Another joke about the whole frozen yogurt thing. How could he think that that was remotely close to a good thing to say. “Sir, what would you like to order.”

I was just trying to be professional, you know? In customer service you get a lot of rude or inappropriate customers and you just have to deal with them. So I will just deal with this. “Your ass would be great.”

This is one of those clients. One of the ones whom I have had nightmares about. One who hurt me so bad that I had no hope of working the next day. One of the ones who made that place hell. And now he is making this place hell. “Sir, that is not appropriate. P-please order something off of the menu.”

He won’t let up. You’d think that any person would be able to understand that he is not welcome here. But he isn’t. “Come on baby, don’t be like that. How does this work now? Place got shut down so Carl is working out of here? You got a back room with a bed or something? I can work without a bed if I’ve gotta, just as long as you’ve got your toys here.”

How could be possibly think that this is like that? This is a respectable business. I mean, we flirt a little. But nothing like that. “S-sir...”

I don’t know what to do...and the boys aren’t even looking over here. I don’t know how to deal with this by myself. “Let’s go, baby. Saw you through the window and I just had to come get you.”

That is...that is worse. He deliberately came in here for me. I practically brought this upon myself. “Please leave.”

Being assertive is not working apparently. He is still looking at me and his eyes are crazy dark. “Oh, I see how it is. Playing hard to get before you know I’m good for it, yeah? Don’t worry about it, babe. I’ve got cash on me.”

“Sir,” I tried to speak in a hushed tone to keep the conversation from reaching the girls who were now walking out the door, and the boys at the other end of the counter, but he isn’t trying at all. “I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

He reached across the counter and put his hand on my cheek. “Don’t be like that, baby. You know you want my cock. Don’t have your security to protect you this time.”

I tried to move away, but it did not work. “Sir…”

He pinched my cheek hard, pulling my face towards him. “Shut up, you little slut. Let’s get out of here. And stop calling me that, you know I much prefer it when you call me daddy. Come on, I’ll pay you extra if you come back to my place. I’ll let you try out some of my toys.”

“He’s not going anywhere with you.”

I turned my head to see an angry looking Michael quickly approaching. Finally, they heard. They noticed. “You his new boss? Little slut isn’t cooperating.”

“Get out.” Calum aggressively joined in, his regularly sweet and comforting eyes looked like they could kill. “Before we make you get out.”

“No need for that, babe. You on the menu too?”

Now that is too far. He does not get to say anything like that to my friends. He can say it too me, but not them. Michael beat me to the punch. “I said get out. This is not that type of business. Now get out before we call the cops.”

“Calm down, baby. Okay, I get it, his ass is too torn up to work today? I’ll get you next time.”

He finally got the message and walked out of the shop, a smirk still on his face. The second he was gone, Luke used his mile long legs to bolt to the door, locking it and then pulling the plug on the open sign on the window beside it. He then proceeded to pull down blinds (that I didn’t even know the store had) until you couldn’t really see out the windows at all. And then Calum and Ashton were pulling me down to the floor in a reasonably comfortable sitting position. And yeah, I am definitely having a panic attack right now. Of course I am. How could I not be? This one came on a little faster than they usually do, since I wasn’t feeling the tightness in my chest a minute ago and now I can’t breathe at all.

“Keep breathing, Louis. You’re safe here. No one’s gonna touch you.” Michael’s deep and sort of gravily, and yet very soothing voice was breaking through the fog. “It’s Michael, Calum, Ashton, and Luke here, okay? Just your friends. We’re not gonna hurt you. Not gonna let anyone hurt you. Ashton’s beside you, yeah? Try and copy his breathing. Nice and slow, Louis. Just keep breathing. You’re doing so good.”

He kept speaking in a tone much softer than his regular one, basically just repeating what he had already said. I liked that they were all here with me. I like that someone is speaking to me and that someone else is helping me breath. And then that Luke and Calum are just here for support. It’s nice. It’s comforting and I do feel safe with them. 

As I started to breath a little smoother it was about time I reassured them that I wasn’t actually completely dying. “I’m okay. I-I’m okay.”

A cup was pressed lightly to my lips and I opened my mouth to welcome water. “Good boy.” Luke’s voice was soft “You’re doing really good.” For some reason, the sweet talking is sort of helping. “You feeling a little better?”

“Y-yeah. Thank you. Feel better.”

“Good.” Someone’s fingertips brushed lightly across my left arm, so it was either Calum or Michael, as Ashton spoke. “Is there anything else we can do to help you?”

I shook my head. “No, thank you. I feel a lot better now.”

The hand stayed against my arm and I welcomed the platonic, comforting touch as Ashton continued “That’s good, babe. Do you think you’d be okay to talk about this? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

My voice shook as I tried to collect my thoughts. “I-I didn’t r-really want to h-have to talk ab-bout this.”

“That’s okay.” Ashton almost smiled, but there was absolutely no joy in the small quirk of his lips. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No. I know that you’re probably guessing about what he was talking about.” I know that they are. The man was loud, I know that they heard what he said about me. “I think I’d rather explain things myself. Is that okay?”

“Yeah, of course. If you want to.”

“Okay, so, I’m gonna leave some stuff out because not everything is totally necessary.” I took a breath and another sip of water. “Okay, so you know how I had run away because I couldn’t deal with home? Basically, my dad was a drunk who sexually abused me.” I hate the looks on peoples faces when I tell them that, but it sort of is a necessary detail. “After six months I couldn’t take it anymore, so I just left when he was passed out. I took a bag and a few hundred pounds and that’s it. I got a ticket for the next train, which happened to be to London. Anyway, I couldn’t get a job. And you can’t live in London on a couple hundred bucks, no matter how cheap the place you’re living is. I was basically starving and I could only afford a couple more nights in the motel, so when a random old guy told me he’d pay me to suck his dick I wasn’t in a position to say no. And then he came back and so did a bunch of other guys. It really wasn’t that bad. I mean, I didn’t like it at all, but I needed money and it wasn’t like I hadn’t sucked a dick before. So I kept doing it.”

More water. Their eyes were still soft as they looked at me, but at least they aren’t interrupting me. If they did, I’d definitely lose my nerve. “So anyway, I guess I was stealing business. And this guy, Carl, noticed. So when I was sucking someone in a back alley, he pulled up and like, he was offering me stuff. Like, a place to live, food, clothes, and safety. All I had to do was work for him. And so I did. He tried me out, which basically meant that he fucked me. And then I was working for him. I was still only sixteen at the time, so he could charge more for me. It really wasn’t that bad back then. I had bad customers occasionally, but mostly I just got fucked. It really wasn’t that big of a deal considering that dad had done worse to me almost everyday for six months.”

Another deep breath. Fingers were no longer trailing down my arm, now I had hands laying without pressure over mine on either side. “But then I was eighteen so they couldn’t charge as much, and I wanted to leave as soon as I could. So I did the only thing I could to get myself out. I let myself be the boy people used for kinky shit. I still had normal customers, but there was a lot of guys who did things I didn’t like. And I wasn’t really allowed to say no. I could call for security if I needed to, or if I couldn’t call I could ban them, but really I didn’t get a choice in much of it. I had to flirt with them and do whatever they wanted me to do and I just had to take it. That’s sort of why I have issues with saying no or stopping things I don’t like. I needed stitches sometimes and I was covered in bruises and everything always hurt all the time. I got used to that. I wasn’t quite numb, but I was close.”

I still hate that they’re looking. But so far no one looks disgusted with me, so I guess that means that this is going pretty well. “Anyway, that man was one of those sorts. Not bad enough for me to ban him because he didn’t do much physical damage, but bad enough that I had bad dreams about him sometimes. That’s not the first time that that has happened, old clients finding me. First time it happened was when I was on a date with Harry. He freaked at me and I didn’t see him until I left. Second time the guy wouldn’t leave me alone and I couldn’t stop him. He’s where the hickeys came from.” Only Ashton knew about those, but the others still didn’t interrupt. “I don’t know what would have happened if Liam hadn’t come out. I had an attack that lasted for at least an hour. And now it has happened again, and it sucks cause it reminds me that even if I’m out that it won’t go away, unless I get some sort of plastic surgery or something.” I’ve definitely debated it, but sometimes I’m rather fond of my face. 

“That’s...that’s not everything. There’s more stuff that causes a lot of my shit. There was a reason I ran away from the brothel. Someone hurt me. Really bad. I’ve got scars like this one,” I pointed to my neck, where that one was still very much visible. “all over. And he didn’t...he didn’t...he didn’t use a condom. I couldn’t see him because I was, like, tied up and bleeding and too scared to look. But he didn’t use one. And also he kissed me when he was done with me. I don’t like kissing. It was a rule there that you couldn’t kiss and I still have issues thinking about kissing people. But yeah, basically I walked out of there covered in blood and went to the apartment. Apparently I almost died, cause I was bleeding too much.”

They looked even sadder. I wish they weren’t looking at me in such a way. But I’m still not done. “Anyway, basically I’m taking that guy to court. For hurting me. And also I’m taking Carl, the guy who ran the place, to court too. And it sucks, you know? Because they both did a lot of stuff wrong and there should be more than enough to put them away. But if the jury doesn’t like me, just because I’m a prostitute, then they’re gonna walk out. And they’re gonna hurt a lot more kids. That’s sort of why I’m so stressed, because court days are really soon. So I’ve had a lot of attacks lately. But, um, yeah. Everything fucked me up a lot. I can’t talk to people, I can’t say no, I have attacks all the time, I can deal with any sort of intimate touching, I can’t smell beer without thinking about dad, and I’m just really fucked up now. And that’s basically it. That’s why I get weird all the time.”

I have told this story so many times. It almost feels repetitive. I almost feel like a broken record, spewing the same details time and time again. But it never gets any less difficult. Thank god I’m too tired to have another attack or I absolutely would be having one. I don’t feel better anymore. “I get if you don’t want to say anything, but I’d really appreciate it if you did because I’m freaking out just a little and I’d like to know if you hate me or not.”

I personally don’t think that my request is that unreasonable. They don’t technically need to say much, I just want to know if they think I’m nasty or not.

Calum was the first one to try and respond. “When are the court dates?”

“May twelfth and twenty eighth.” Just over a week away until the first one.

“Shit, that’s so soon.” Ashton lightly squeezed my hand. “No wonder you’re so tired and busy.”

“Y-yeah. I hadn’t really had any time when I wasn’t thinking about it. So, um, thanks for last night. It was nice to have a break from it.”

“Do you think…” Luke took my attention over to him. “that you might like us to come? We’re not going home for break, so we absolutely could. For, like, support.”

I slowly nodded. “Yeah, um, that would be really nice if you wanted to do that.”

“Then we’ll be there.” Mikey sent me a little smile “And we’re here if you need to talk to someone too, yeah? No offence, but you’ve sort of had a really shitty life. And you’re my friend, yeah? You’re our friend. So we’re here for you whenever you need us.”

“Th-thank you.”

A little shake returned to my voice. I’m not stressed or freaked out. Just overwhelmed by them. Obviously they could sense that, or at least Cal did. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. I’m fine. Just...thank you. Thanks for listening and for understanding and being so fucking wonderful. Wasn’t sure how you were gonna react.”

“What were your other friends like when you told them?”

“Really supporting about stuff with my dad. But, um, the only person who wasn’t a professional who I told who didn’t already know was Harry. We had, like, done stuff earlier that day. And then a client was saying things and Harry freaked.” I hated to paint Harry in such a light, especially after talking badly about him to Ashton the night before. But it was the truth. “He apologized for it the next time I saw him and he explained why he reacted the way he did and everything was fine. But I was just a bit scared that you would react the same way.”

“Well you don’t have to worry about that.” Ashton was smiling, this time there was the slightest trace of joy. “You can trust us.”

“I know. And thank you for that, it really means a lot to me.” I paused and took another breath in the silent moment. “Well, I think that’s enough of the sappy bullshit. I am going to go fix up this mess.” I gestured to my probably tear stained face and ruffled hair. “And we are opening up again because it’s probably not a very good idea to close hours early.”

I stood up, my muscles aching a little, and went into the bathroom without another word. Surprisingly, I look reasonably decent. It didn’t take much time at all to fix my appearance and then I was back to work.

And it was good. It was actually great. It feels like I was that guy from some mythological story I sort of remember from school with that guy who carried the entire weight of the world on my back, and then it was just lifted. Everyone knows. Everyone that matters knows, and seems to understand reasonably well. So I don’t have to hold back nearly as much. I had liked before when they didn’t know anything. When they didn’t have anything other than my personality and words to judge me on. But now I feel like I can talk when I need to or cry if I have to and laugh whenever I want and it’s a relief.

And I am happy. Even though I’m sleep deprived and weak as fuck I feel lighter than I have in nearly a decade.

So when I walked in the door and Harry was on the couch with bags under his eyes, I did not to what my instincts told me to do. I did not run. Nor did I immediately forgive him like a tiny tug in my heart told me to. I talked. It’s been working rather well for me lately, so I figured I might as well keep the ball rolling. “Hi, Harry.”

He looked up at me for the first time. Before he had looked half asleep, but he’s sure as hell awake now. “Hi, um, you didn’t come home last night. And you didn’t really tell Zayn why…”

“I stayed over with Ash, Luke, Cal, and Mikey.”

“Oh.” He looked even more dejected than he already was. “So you and that guy are…”

“No. You were right about him being into me, but we talked about it and agreed to stay friends.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Louis, I’m sorry…”

“No. Let me talk first.” He shut up immediately. It isn’t exactly a normal occurance for me to speak up for myself. “I’m still pissed at you. After what you did to me, there is no way I can’t be. But I am sorry for what I said to you. It was wrong of me to make fun of your feelings or what you might think of me. That was inexcusable. But I do not forgive you for what you did to me. Either you weren’t paying attention, you were lost in the moment, or you just didn’t give a shit. But you touched me in a way that you knew very well was not okay to do. And all because another boy was touching me. They’re actually a rather touchy group, you know? Not just Ash, the others had been touching me just like that and I know that that was platonic because they are straight. So Ashton touching me was not a big thing to me. But obviously it was to you.”

He wasn’t responding. He just looked at me from where he still sat with pure shame in his eyes. A part of me wanted to tell him that it was all okay and comfort him. But the rest of me knew that it wasn’t okay and I should absolutely not tell him it was. “It really doesn’t matter that Ashton was into me, what he was doing was irrelevant. What matters is that you hurt me. But the touching thing isn’t all you did wrong. You were talking about me like an object that has an owner. And that really bothered me because already, sometimes I don’t feel like a person. What they did to me sometimes made me feel like just a sex doll or something like that. But I am not an object, okay? I do not have an owner. Even if I were dating you, you would not own me in any way shape or form. Also, for the record, I was never pretending about the reason we’re not together. I really do need time to figure out my bullshit and I do not want a relationship with anyone. Anyway, after you were talking about that, you basically called me a slut. And you know what? Even if I did grab the first interested guy, that does not give you the right to say that about me. I deserve more respect than that and so does Ashton. If it weren’t for my bullshit, I might have said I liked him too last night. Because he is a good guy, and he does not deserve your disrespect.”

He winced. Maybe I went a little far in saying I would date Ashton. I very well could have romantic feelings for him if I had let myself pursue them. I wouldn’t, but I could. I think I’m getting my point across, and that is what matters. “And then to top it all off, you didn’t even try and apologize until an hour later, when the should have the second you even touched me. You know what, Harry? I do have rather strong feelings for you. But you are fucking with them, and not in a good way. First of all, you need to stop asking if I am ready to be with you. I may never be ready for you. Hell, maybe by the time I’m ready for a date you will have moved on. So please, stop asking. If and when I am ready, you’ll be the first I tell. And also, you need to get your anger in check. I know that you’ve only been angry with me two times. And I know that the rest of the time, you are wonderful. But those two times, you hurt me. I get that you were probably taken over by emotions, but that is not an excuse for what you’ve done. I don’t care what you have to do. Scream in a pillow, punch a wall, I do not care. Just get yourself in check the next time you’re angry. Because if you do anything to hurt me again just because you’re mad, your chance of us being a thing will disappear completely. I do not forgive you for what you did, but I will move past it if you are willing to fix your shit. That is it. That is what I have to say to you. If you want to say something, go ahead. But if there’s nothing you want to say, I had a old client come in and harass me and I had an attack so I would really like to have a nap so I’d appreciate it if you could get off of my couch.”

For a good minute neither of us said a thing. And then he stood, and I figured that he was going to leave me alone, like I wanted him to. But he didn’t. He looked directly into my eyes as he spoke “I really am sorry. And you’re right. I do have some anger issues and I need to get them in check. You have every right to be pissed at me. I fucked up, I know I did. And if I ever do anything like that ever again, I would absolutely understand if you ever wanted to see me again. But for this time, even if you don’t forgive me, I just want you to know that I really am very sorry for hurting you.”

“I’m still upset with you.”

“As you should be.”

“But you’re still my best friend and I don’t like it when we’re not getting along. So I don’t want to dwell on it.”

“Thank you. So, um, did you have fun last night?”

“I did, yeah. They’re really talented and we get along really well.” I smiled at the memories from less than 24 hours ago. “It was nice, you know? To have a break from all the stress and shit.”

“And you and Ashton talked things through?” He sat back down on the couch and patted the space beside him. I accepted the offer, though I did keep a little extra space between us.

“We did, yeah. I had a really minor attack. But I was fine after.”

“He helped you?”

“Yeah. It wasn’t, like, a proper attack so it wasn’t all that bad.”

“That’s good.” He raised a hand as if to pat my knee or something, but he quickly retracted it. “But you said that you had another attack today. Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just tired.”

“A client came in though.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “He was a bad one. The boys were busy so they didn’t notice for a minute. But once they did they made him leave and they helped me with my attack. Like, they locked up the store and closed the blinds and helped me down to the floor. And Michael was talking to me and Ashton was helping me breath. They’re actually really good at like, helping me. Really supportive about everything.”

“What do you mean supportive?”

“I told them. About pretty much everything. They weren’t mad or upset and disgusted or anything. Didn’t treat me any different after either. I mean, they were quieter, but I think that that was mostly because they knew I was tired. They’re actually going to come to the court dates. For, like, support.”

“Wow. Um, I’m, I’m happy for you. I’m really glad that you met them.”

“I am too.” Harry looks too sad to actually be happy for me. “But you know, just because I’ve got more friends it doesn’t mean that I’m leaving you guys. They’re new. They’re funny and nice and I like being around them. But you guys are my oldest friends. You’re not getting rid of me like that.”

“Thank you, Lou. Love you.”

“Love you too, Harry. I’m still really tired. Can I take a nap now?”

“Do you want to go sleep in my room? Sometimes you seem to sleep better in there.”

“Only if you join me for a cuddle.”

I do sleep better in his room, that’s for sure. But I’d quite like for him to join me. “No way I’m turning that down.”

He took my hand and led me into his room. He pulled back the covers for me and got me laid down in a comfortable position. And he went around to the other side and got in next to me. Our entire bodies were not pressed together, but he did have an arm around me and our legs were tangled together. And it was really nice. I felt light. Practically like I was soaring off into the sky. But Harry is keeping me grounded. Not like he’s holding me down or restricting me. Like he’s keeping me safe. Guiding me home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed this chapter! Let me know what you thought!
> 
> Sorry if there are any mistakes, I edited this and I'm posting it super quick before I have to leave for my shift.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just warning you guys that the court case in this chapter and the next chapter are probably super inaccurate.

It’s the day of Carl’s case. A day I have been preparing for for months. That loads of people have been preparing for for months. The last week has been nothing but work, meetings, and occasionally sleep.

This morning my boys helped me get ready, fixing my hair and stuff like that. It’s stupid, but I sort of feel better if I look better. If I went in there looking like shit I’d feel like shit and then the case would go to shit. I mean, I won’t feel exactly good no matter how I look. But maybe I’ll be slightly more confident in what I say.

Melissa has closed the door for the day. So everyone from work will be there with me. And so will my boys, of course.

They drove me to the courthouse that morning. I met with my lawyer first, as did everyone else who is testifying. It was nothing we haven’t done before. Just going over everything that everyone will be saying. It felt much more normal than it probably should, especially with what is about to happen.

We were all in the courtroom, waiting. I didn’t even properly realize that court had been called to order, because right before that, Carl entered. He looks much different now than he has every other time I’ve ever seen him. Usually he is dressed in an expensive suit. Now he’s wearing a suit, but it’s a very different sort. A prison jumpsuit. And he looks much older. He looks like he’s aged twenty years.

What Carl did is, without a doubt, illegal. Everyone knows that. And I will not be charged for anything that I did. But that does not mean that he will be punished and that does not mean that I will not be judged. It is all a matter of who our jury is and who they believe

Since I was the one who decided to press charges, I was first up on the stand.

“State your name for the record.”

“Louis Tomlinson.”

My lawyer was up first to question me, thank god. “How old are you, Louis?”

“Twenty two.”

“When did you move to London?”

“Almost six years ago, when I was sixteen.”

“Why exactly did you come to London?”

“My father was a sexually abusive alcoholic. So I ran away and came here.”

“What was your situation like when you first came to London?”

“I was not prepared. I had only had a few hundred dollars, so I stayed in a cheap motel and did not eat more than once a day because I could not afford to. I had tried to get a job, but no one wanted to hire a sixteen year old dropout with no experience.”

“Would you say that you were in a state of desperation?”

“Absolutely. I was starving and three weeks after I came to London I was about to become homeless as I did not have enough money to continue to live in the motel.”

“Can you explain what happened when you first entered the business?”

“I had been eating in some cheap pub when a man came up to me and offered me money for oral sex. I really was desperate, I really had no choice but to accept.”

“And that continued after that, yes?”

“Yes. He and multiple other men returned and offered the same deal.”

“How exactly did you feel about it?”

Usually feelings don’t matter in court. But hey, I’m a person and I have feelings. Maybe I can make the jury feel sorry for me. “I never enjoyed it, but I was still a bit desperate. At least with these men I sort of felt like I had the option of saying no. I never had that with my dad.”

“When did you first meet Mr. Mathews?”

Apparently that’s what Carl’s last name is. Carl Mathews. “I had just finished with a client when he drove into the alley where I was. A few of the men who had paid me for oral sex had been clients of his, so I had been stealing his business. He offered me a place to live, food, safety, and money if I were to work for him.”

“Did he know your age?”

“Yes. One of the first things he asked me was how old I was.”

“And he hired you anyway.”

“Yes. In fact, he said that he could charge more for me because of it.”

“Did he hire you right away?”

“No. He took me back to the house and he tested me out. He had sex with me.”

“Did you agree to that?”

“Of course I did. I was too hungry and scared not to. I didn’t really have much of a choice in the matter, even if he told me that I did.”

“What was your job like from age sixteen to eighteen?”

“Well, I never liked it. I never enjoyed what I did, and I did have a few clients every now and then who were not good to me. But it was decent. I mean, I was safe and I had food and the people I worked with were good people who sort of cared about me. And since I was underage, I was bringing in a decent amount of money. So even though I was usually in a bit of pain, I was relatively okay.”

“What changed when you were eighteen?”

“I wasn’t bringing in as much money since I was an adult. I didn’t want to be a prostitute forever, so I needed money so I could get out of there and go back to school. So I took a new position there that would make me a bit more expensive. I became the boy who clients were allowed to act out other desires on. So they could use sex toys on me, they could tie me up, gag me, blindfold me, and hit me. Usually just with a hand, but a few used whips or belts.”

“Did that take a physical toll on you?”

“Of course. I always had bruises and I had had the security at the brothel need to stitch me up on multiple occasions. If I had had taken painkillers every time I was in pain, I would absolutely be addicted now.”

“Were there safety protocols?”

“Of course. This brothel, for most people who worked there, was relatively safe. As I said, there were security guards. All you had to do is call for them and they would come. And there was a button you could press behind the bedside table for if you could not speak or scream. And you could always ban customers too.”

“But you could not always use those safety measures.”

“No. As I said, clients could do what they wanted. So they could both tie me up and gag me if they wanted to. Then I couldn’t do anything until they were gone.”

“So even with the security, Mr. Mathews placed you in dangerous situations.”

“Yes.”

“Do you feel that Mr. Mathews took advantage of you and your situation?”

“He did, yes. Most sober people do not become prostitutes if they are not desperate. It isn’t exactly the safest career. I wouldn’t have worked for him if I didn’t need to. And he had lied about the money that he would give us. He said that he would give us ninety percent of the profits we brought in. But if that were true, I would have left at a much earlier date because I should have been able to afford to live for months without a job, and also to attend school. But he didn’t. And there were numerous expenses that he had not mentioned. He bought condoms, but that was about it. He had said that he would buy me clothes, but he didn’t. And considering that he had wanted me to be thin, I had lost a lot of weight while I worked there so I had to buy clothes sort of often.”

“He made it so you could not leave.”

“Yes.”

“Why did you stop working at the brothel?”

“A client caused severe damage to my body. I needed more than three hundred stitches and I almost bled to death. I went to the hospital and police officers convinced me to press charges. And I agreed. None of the damage would have been done if it weren’t for Carl.”

“Aside from the physical damage, what has happened to you because of Mr. Mathews?”

“Well, I difficulties with anxiety. I have panic attacks when I am stressed, and what makes me stressed enough for that to happen always relates back to the brothel and my experiences there. I cannot engage in sexual activities with anyone, no matter how much I trust the person. I can’t even flirt with people. The first time someone tried to kiss me, I had a panic attack. In the last two weeks alone, I have had seven attacks that always leave me exhausted. And I have come in contact with three former clients, and those always involve me being harassed and solicited for sex. And because of Carl, I have a lot of difficulty saying no or allowing what I am feeling to be voiced. And now, I have difficulties with who I am as a person. I was a boy who was raped by his father, and then I was a prostitute. I am attempting to adjust to regular life, but that is rather difficult when you were never allowed to have a life.”

That was it with Mr. Randall. I think I did reasonably well. I said everything that I was supposed to, and hopefully I have gained a little bit of sympathy. But then it was the other lawyer’s turn. I don’t remember his name, even though I have heard it dozens of time. I have even spoken to him once. I’m sure he’s a good man. But this is his job. It is his job to get Carl the lowest sentence possible, or no sentence at all. It is his job to get the scum out of here as soon as he can.

The questions he asked were basic. Nothing I wasn’t expecting. Nothing I wasn’t told he would ask.

Did you agree to work for him? Yes. Did he make the environment as safe as it could be? Yes. Were you aware of the risks when you begun working with him? Yes. Did he do anything to you that you did not agree with? No, not to me.

See? Nothing I wasn’t expecting. It should be alright. What he did is illegal. Everyone knows that it is illegal. I did good. As long as they believe me, he will go to prison.

Everyone else soon went up on the stand. One after another. Their experiences and questionings were very similar to mine. Until Jonah. At first it was the same. But then Randall asked him about Carl touching him. I did not know that he would be speaking about this. He said that he wouldn’t, every time I spoke to him he said he wouldn’t.

“Aside from the initial time you engages in sexual intercourse with Mr. Mathews, did any sexual activity occur between the two of you.”

“Yes. When I started there, he had said that it wouldn’t. But it did. I thought that it was a part of my job. Mostly he would just touch me in a sexual manner or have me perform oral sex on him. But occasionally he would make me engage in sexual intercourse with him. I did not know that I was the only one he would do this to.”

“Why did you allow him to do this to you?”

“I was scared. There are people out there who will hurt me if they ever found me. When I was at the brothel I was safe. Carl told me I couldn’t stay there if I didn’t do that with him.”

That was more or less it for Jonah. Then a short recess was called for. And then it would be the main event. Carl. Carl will speak. But this is not the time to worry about that. Jonah just faced one of his greatest fears. I rushed out and immediately went to Jonah, completely ignoring my other friends. I can talk to them in a few minutes. “You did so good, baby. I’m so proud of you.”

“I want him to go away.” He was almost smiling, but not quite.

I pulled him into a loose hug. “Me too. You did so good. I didn’t know you were going to talk about that.”

“Decided yesterday. Maybe I can get him a longer sentence.”

He looks so wonderfully hopeful. “I think you just might, baby.”

“I’m proud of you too.”

“Thank you. We both did great. No matter what his sentence is, we all did the best that we could.”

Who knows if what we did would help anything. But his smile brightened at my words. But then it faltered, just a little. So that he looked slightly more worried about something. “Can I tell you something else?”

I’ve told him before that he could tell me anything. I’m not one to take that back. “Anything, baby. Are you okay to stay here, or do you need to go somewhere more private?”

“Here is fine.” He took a breath and his smile was bright once more. He was arrested. My mom’s boyfriend was arrested last week. For drug dealing, I think. And mom is in rehab.”

“Wow, baby. That’s great. You’re safe now, yeah?”

“Yeah. He’s gonna be away for a long time. By the time he gets out, I’m gonna look so different he’d never recognize me. And mom...I don’t really know anything about her right now. I haven’t seen her for over a year and the last time I saw her and she had no idea who I was. She might not remember me ever, but I’m just really glad that he can’t hurt her again.”

“That’s really wonderful. Everything is finally starting to work out for you. What are you going to do now?”

“I’m gonna be set up with a foster family once this case is over. And I’ll be doing schooling online.”

“Yeah? Me too. Starting in September.”

“Me too. Got a few months to adjust to regular stuff before I need to buckle down. I’ve been doing some reading and stuff lately since I’ve been out, so hopefully it won’t take too long before I’m caught up to where I should be. But I don’t remember a lot, cause I stopped being allowed to go to school when I was eleven.”

“That’s so great. I’m sure you’ll do just fine. You can call me if you need anything, yeah? Anytime you need to talk you can call me. Or if you want, you can come visit me.”

“Thank you.”

“Anything you need. I’ve got to go talk to my friends before we start up again, okay? But I’ll see you back in there.”

“Yeah, see you.”

Almost as soon as he was out of my sight, I was more or less surrounded by eight (rather tall) men. It’s rather odd to think that the first time the two groups of four are meeting each other properly is in a courthouse. All asking how I was doing and none of them even attempting to touch me. Probably thinking I’m on the brink of having another attack. “Guys, I’m fine. I’m stressed as shit, but that went as well as I could have done. I’m not gonna have an attack or anything like that.”

There was a bit of a collective sigh of relief from the lot of them. “You did really great, babe.” Harry patted my shoulder gently, in a pure platonic gesture. His voice soft and sweet. “You’re so brave.”

I shrugged “Not scared of Carl. And I already testified, so there’s nothing left for me to stress over.” Aside from his sentence, of course.

The next five minutes was a little awkward, to say the least. Aside from myself and maybe a love of music, the two group don’t have much in common. So there’s nothing to talk about. Maybe if they meet under different circumstances it would be different. But the way it is is awkward as shit.

I was almost relieved when the recess was over and we all had to file back in. This time, since I didn’t have to worry about speaking, I was able to sit with the rest of the ‘crowd’ in the room. I was sat between Harry and Ashton as Carl was finally brought up to the stand.

I don’t know how I had trusted this man. I should have done what my instincts had told me to do the second he stepped out of that car all those years ago. I should have bolted. But I didn’t. I was far too hungry and weak I would have probably made it half a block and then I would have passed out.

And then I had continued to trust him for years. I suppose I had always known that he wasn’t a good person. Good people do not pick up sixteen year olds on the street and charge extra for them. Good people do not put the people on their care on intense diets, so that they can fit an image. Good people do not touch kids or fuck kids or let other people fuck kids. Carl is not a good person. But I trusted him. That was probably one of the worst things I have ever done.

I am not scared of him, as I said before. I’m not. But looking at him now with his unkempt appearance and usual smile completely gone, I feel uncomfortable being in the same room as I him.

His answers were what could be hoped for and expected. He was honest. Or at least honest from his own perspective.

“Why did you open a brothel?”

“You hear all the stories on the news about prostitutes out on the streets being murdered. It happens far too often. I wanted to take some of them off the streets and get them somewhere safe.”

He’s saying it in a way that makes him look like the good guy. Like he saved us. You know what? Perhaps he did. We were on the streets. We were incredibly unsafe there. But you can run a brothel without doing any of the cruel things he did to us. He has no excuse.

“But you earned yourself a profit doing so.”

“Of course, it was a full time job and a man has to make a living.”

Oh yeah, make a living. I’d say that he took at least fifteen percent of what the each of us earned every day for himself. Probably more. Hundreds of dollars every day. Food and paychecks for a couple people are not anywhere near to being as much as he took. It was all for him.

“Did you specifically look for underage prostitutes to employ?”

Almost all of us were underage when we started. The rest were twenty at the maximum. All of us looked young when he brought us in. All of us still look young. “I did not.” Sure. “But the younger ones were more at risk than those who were older. I took the ones who required the most protection.”

More like the younger ones were the ones who could earn him a greater income.

“But you did charge a higher rate for underage prostitutes. And you advertised them as such.”

“It was really for the benefit of everyone. The more I could bring in, the more they all got.”

Except that wasn’t really how it worked.

“What was your relationship like with the people under your employ?”

“Purely professional. They worked for me, and I provided for them.”

“But it wasn’t professional, was it? You engaged in sexual intercourse with everyone under your employ, no matter how young.”

“I did, yes. I couldn’t let someone take on clients before I knew that they could physically handle doing so. Everyone gave their consent, though”

“You told every one of them that this would be a one time occurrence.”

“I did.”

“But it wasn’t. You engaged in sexual activities with young Mr. Bradely on numerous occasions.”

“I had to. He needed more training than the others.”

That is, as disgusting as it may be, very untrue. Jonah had been forced to do this for years. He did not need training.

“Were you aware of Mr. Bradely’s familial situation?”

“I was.”

“And Mr. Bradely had been placed under the impression that engaging in sexual activities with you was a part of his job. Do you fire employees who will not do their job?”

“If they are able to work, then they have to. It’s just how business works.”

“Was Mr. Bradely aware of this?”

“Yes, I had told him.”

“So you told a child that if he would not have sex with you, that you would force him back out onto the streets where he would be forced back into an abusive situation.”

The manipulative son of a bitch said nothing. At that second, hands on either side of me moved to hold mine. I suppose I must look as distressed as I feel, so I really appreciate the gesture from Ashton and Harry.

After that it was just...more. More questions about him picking up kids. More questions about any threats to us. More questions about what he allowed people to do to us. More questions about money. More more more. And more pressure on my hands from the two at my side.

At every possible chance, he said that we had consented. I mean, the age of consent is technically sixteen in most cases, aside from prostitution. Though we were kids, we were still sort of adults. Adult enough, in his mind. It was our fault for being in the situation we had been in because we said yes. Not his.

Then it was over. Everyone was finished speaking and the jury has been left to deliberate. Carl was brought back to his cell and the rest of us are now allowed to leave, to wait for the verdict.

Before leaving, I thanked Michael, Calum, Ashton, and Luke for being here with me today. I really did appreciate them being here. Knowing that there was even a few more people who were there who actually believed me and understood, even if just a little bit.

The day disappeared after that. Everyone went home. I ate and I slept and that was it. I didn’t have energy for anything else.

Thank god, deliberation didn’t take nearly as long as it could have. It was only the next evening when I got the call, telling me that it was time. I quickly put myself together and went with Liam and Niall, who were unfortunately the only ones who were not busy with something I wouldn’t let them ditch. So I walked in with them at either side, appearing as stone faced as I possibly could given the fact that my hands were practically vibrating.

Most people from yesterday is here once more, obviously including Carl who possibly looked even more tired than he did yesterday.

And then it was time and the verdict was revealed. He’s guilty, of course. Just as I was nearly sure that he would be. But his punishment is not quite as high as I wish it were. But what really matters is that he is going to prison. We are all safe from him. And once he is out, he’ll be an old man. Not capable of starting up an operation like this again. That is what matters.

Obviously I’m ecstatic about this. A weight has been lifted off of me. But a weight still remains. The case that really matters is all that is left. The case where it is just me that has been hurt and just me who completely knows what happened. So if I fuck up any minuscule detail about the case that approaches, he will walk free. I have no doubt that someone else would be hurt if that happens, all because of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! Be sure to leave kudos and comments if you did.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	18. Chapter 18

The next couple weeks were basically a repetition of the ones before. Lots of stress and meetings. But it was a little better, because now everyone understands so I don’t have to hide a thing. And also because now I have a couple options of people to chill with. And both groups at least sort of understand my need to just relax whenever I am not doing something directly involved with the case.

That doesn’t mean that no one asks about anything, of course. They want to stay informed and involved. But for the majority of the little free time I have when I am conscious, everyone acts as normal as I’ve ever experienced.

While I am exhausted, I at least have some good news. Jonah has been placed with a foster family. Thank god. He says that the man and woman he is now living with seem like very nice people. I hope that means that they actually are, and that they aren’t just nice in comparison to what he’s used to. Apparently the man works mostly from home, so it’s good to know that the kid isn’t alone with everything. He’ll have people to actually look after him. I just hope that they’re prepared for the responsibility.

Now, after another two and a half weeks of looking probably half alive, it is time once again. And if I thought that the last time was hard, then this must be hell. I already nearly had an attack before I even got in the car. Once again, everyone who did not come from the apartment with me is already here. Before I went into one final meeting with my lawyer I received some sort of affectionate touch (a pat on the back, a hand on my shoulder, a kiss on the head, a hand squeeze) from everyone. All very appreciated, but not effective at all. Nothing could be done to quell my fears.

I hadn’t had the clearest image in my head of him. Of course, I had seen him before the pain had begun to cloud my mind that night. And obviously I could recognize him well enough to identify him in those pictures. But this is different. This is the first time I am seeing the man who nearly killed me in the light of day. But honestly, he doesn’t look how I pictured him.

Despite the fact that he has been in prison for a couple of months, he looks put together. He looks to be in his early forties. He’s got some wrinkles, but he looks to be in good health. He’s wearing a clean pressed suit, hiding the tattoo I remember. He honestly looks like a suburban dad. A man who works hard during the day at his high-paying job and then comes home to his loving wife and 3 kids. For all I know, that could be the truth. I could be actively tearing a man apart from a family that needs him.

But honestly, I know from experience that people who commit acts of sexual assault never make good parents. It would only be a matter of time before he brought his late-night hobbies home with him.

He denied everything. Of course he did. I couldn’t have expected anything else. He shouldn’t have. We have proof that he was in that building. We have proof that he was in me. The jury will be unable to dispute that. That he purchased the services of a prostitute, which is illegal. Which he may have to serve jail time for. A short amount of time, but still time.

Different people went up on the stand and the physical evidence was presented. After this, a recess was requested by the defence lawyer and granted by the judge. I stayed with my lawyer during this, discussing all that had happened so far.

When we were called back in, the defence changed their story. He was there. He did solicit the services of a prostitute, that prostitute being myself. By admitting this, he will be receiving a sentence. But that sentence can range from a small amount of jail time to just a fine or probation. That isn’t exactly what the goal is. Which is why it is now my turn to go up on the stand.

It felt similar to the last time I was up there. It was a different courtroom, but really they’re all the same. The same little bench to sit on in the little booth thing that always smells like sweat. With a full room of people staring at you as they try to figure out if you’re lying or not.

Of course, I was asked the recount the events of that night. Which I did. Exactly as they happened. Explained the safety protocols and how I was unable to use them. How I had no way to protest what was happening to me, or to actively retract my consent. And also, how this man was given rules. How if he broke those rules, consent was retracted. The second that he decided to disregard the condom rule, it turned from sex to rape. But even before that, when he whipped me so harshly and then caused me internal bleeding. That wasn’t sex. That was a brutal sexual assault.

They protested it. I’m a prostitute who had obviously initially given consent. I am a prostitute who has slept with thousands of men and has let countless amounts of them do similar things to what he did. But I am also a person. A person who nearly died on an operating table thanks to what he did to me. A person who now suffers from nightmares because of him. I am a person who is raped. And I refuse to let them cover that up or minimize what he did. And I am a person who refuses to let him go free so soon just so that he can hurt someone else.

His wife went up on the stand. I was right, he is a father. He does have kids. Three daughters. Ages eighteen, fourteen, and ten. The woman claimed he was a loving father. A man who worked hard every day and came home in time for their evening meal. A faithful man who had always done right by her in their twenty years of marriage. Watching her cry as she spoke made me almost feel guilty about bringing my case forward. Almost. She should know that she is married to a sex offender. So should her family.

They asked her some questions. I can tell that she is truly a good person, because she did not try to lie. She had just been lied to. She admitted that for the past year and a half, every two weeks or so, he would leave after their evening meal. Kiss her on the cheek and her daughters on the forehead and then walk out the door with the excuse of a work engagement. He wouldn’t come home on those nights until midnight.

It would be stupid to think that I was his first victim. The law is not usually on the side of prostitutes. Anyone he hurt before probably didn’t go to the police. And if they did, obviously there was no evidence there. I doubt that he hurt anyone as badly as he had hurt me. Maybe he had been working his way up. Starting with just regular sex and then working his way up to his twisted fantasies. Each of those nights that he lied to his wife, he hurt someone.

All of the evidence was presented. My doctors explains the injuries I sustained. That was the first time I actually saw myself the way I was that night. Not an inch of my hand lacked the stain of blood. Officers and forensic experts further explained evidence. And the defence tried to bust us every step of the way.

At the end of it all, when the jury had left to deliberate, I was almost confident. I went in there a bit of a mess, but I have a solid case with undoubtable evidence. I couldn’t have done better. All that matters is whether the jury believes me. Whether or not they think that this was rape.

I walked out of the courtroom with my head held high and all my friends at my side.

That was, until, a girl came over and slapped me right across the face. So hard that it would have sent me to the ground if Liam hadn’t grabbed me in time.

I recognized the girl from pictures that the wife of Thomas Bradshaw had shown. She is his eldest daughter. She’s been crying, for obvious reasons.

Everyone looked about ready to pounce on her, but I sent them a look to stop them. How would that look to let them shove her or something in a court house?

She didn’t stop at just the slap, angry words quickly spewed out of her mouth. “You stupid whore! How could you do this? Just because you can’t keep it in your pants, doesn’t mean everyone else should suffer for it! My dad did nothing wrong! You’re the slut who fucked up!”

She believes it. She honestly believes that to be true. I could tell that her mother had had some doubts, but not this girl. I guess I can understand why. When I was thirteen, I remember thinking that my dad was an amazing man. I would have never thought he could be capable of hurting anyone. Not until he hurt me.

Bradshaw must have been a great father if he has her this fooled.

As soon as she spoke the last words, Harry started to lunge at her. I stuck my arm out to block him. She doesn’t deserve that, even if she did hit me first. But she needs to understand. She needs to understand that I’m not doing this to be cruel or to save my own ass. I’m doing this to stop people from being hurt.

“I’m sorry. Honestly, I am. I’m sorry that you’re losing your dad like this. But I’m not lying. Your dad hurt me, and there was DNA to prove it. And I could tell that he’s done that to people before me. No one can hurt someone as surely as he did on the first try. And he would have done it to more people. It would have come home to you eventually. Even if he didn’t want it to, something would happen. And then someone in your family would have gotten hurt. I know you don’t believe me. But you’ve got to believe that I’m not doing this to hurt you or your family.”

She looked shocked. Maybe at what I said, or maybe just that a stupid whore could string such words together. Maybe just at the fact that I had spoken so calmly. But she was shocked. Then her mask of anger returned and she stormed away again, leaving me standing here with a stinging cheek.

“Lou?” Liam said my name softly, making me look to my friends. “Lou, you’re bleeding.”

I touched my fingers to my cheek and pulled them away. Oh. She must have had a ring, or maybe her nail caught the skin. It’s not bad, but there’s blood.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Liam took my non-bloody hand and slowly led me to the restroom, I kept my head ducked the entire time to avoid undesirable attention.

Liam had me sit up on the counter (which kind of made me feel like a child, but oh well) so he could clean up the cut and the little trickle of blood that it had left. “That was really brave of you, Lou. Standing up for yourself like that.”

“I think she needed to hear it. She needed to understand why I have to do this.”

“If she doesn’t, it isn’t your fault. You did your best. We’re all so proud of you for doing this. All of it.”

“Do you think it went okay?”

Liam nodded, finally finishing with my face. “I do. I think that everyone on your side did as well as they could have. And you’ve got forensics on your side. All he has is his word” I hopped off the counter to properly face him. “But Lou...if this goes badly, we’ve got you. We’ll keep you safe. If he walks out of this, we’ll keep you safe. Always.”

“Yeah. I...I know that. I’m just really hoping that that won’t happen.”

“Me too. Come on, everyone else will be out there waiting for us. We’d better get you home. You’ve got to be tired.”

“Actually, I kind of feel like I wanna do something. I’ve been so fucking stressed about this for months and now that I’ve done my part, I wanna do something else. Something fun.”

Liam looked more than surprised. Definitely not the reaction that he had been expecting. Usually after something like this, I’d be either about to panic or about to fall asleep. But now that this is almost over, I feel almost free. Free to do something. Even if it’s just hanging out with friends, though I would rather like to go somewhere.

“Oh. Um, okay. We’ll talk to everyone else, see if they have any ideas.”

The other seven were waiting right outside the washroom, no one speaking, just standing there. “Hey, guys.”

The seven of them turned to me, sort of smiling but not truthfully. “Ready to go home, Lou?” Zayn asked. “You’ve got to be tired.”

I shrugged. “I guess. But, um, I was actually wondering if anyone wanted to do anything tonight.”

Aside from Liam, everyone looked stunned. I guess they’ve gotten used to me being exhausted all the time. Not wanting to do anything, especially after a meeting or anything involved in this case. I’ve hung out with them a few times, but each time has generally been a rather quiet night. Half the time if we’re watching a movie, I’ll fall asleep in the middle. Usually I can’t handle making plans or going out. 

Sometimes I just really am not capable of being social. Sometimes I can’t deal with loud spaces or numerous people. Sometimes I just want to sleep and not see anyone.

But also, sometimes, when I have the energy, I want to go out. I want to be surrounded by friends. I want exciting movies or loud music or ridiculous conversation. And today is one of those days.

“Oh.” Said Luke. “We’ve actually got a gig tonight. We figured that you would just want to go home after this, so we figured it would be fine. It’s too late to cancel now, but if you want you could come.”

That is...actually exactly what I’d like. Loud and high energy with people I like. Besides, it’s about time that I see them outside of their garage. I’m sure that they only get better when they’ve got an excited crowd in front of them.

It’s probably going to be crazy loud, with their type of music and also the crowd. But I have never really been to a proper live show. Aside from school talent shows and a couple plays or musicals that I was involved with, and those hardly count. I’d like to have that experience at least once.

“That would be great, actually. If you wouldn’t mind.” I didn’t want to come if they were only inviting me to be nice. If they didn’t actually want me there. But considering that I’ve been to actual band practices, I’m fairly sure that I should be welcomed.

“Course,” Calum said. “We’d better get going, but one of us will text you a time and place.” He quickly adjusted his gaze so that he was talking to everyone, not just me. “You guys are welcome too. It’d be nice to have a few familiar faces in the crowd.”

The four left with smiles probably brighter than those that belonged in a courthouse before a result, but smiles that possibly made me more excited all the same.

“We should probably get home.” Said Liam. “Probably have a few hours before they go on, but we should have something to eat and change. Relax for a bit.”

We did just that, piling into the car and heading back to the apartment. A short while was spent in front of the tv, watching some random film that I didn’t really pay much attention to. No one, not even Harry, really felt like cooking, so a couple pizzas were ordered and quickly demolished.

It took me a good while to decide what I wanted to wear. I really don’t have anyone to impress, but I still want to look decent. I don’t want to wear something that would make me stick out in a bad way.

In the end, the five of us were all dressed fairly similarly. Dark or black skinny jeans and some sort of short sleeved tshirt. My own shirt just being plain and black. I was fairly plain looking, but not in a way that didn’t suit me. I looked nice, but not in a way that would draw too much attention, which was just what I was going for.

I had gotten a text from Ashton with the address and time halfway though the movie. They were playing at some bar that I, of course, had never heard of. But Liam and Niall have apparently been there before, so Liam drove.

The five of us arrived just shortly before they were to go on stage. The bar was pretty packed. It was maybe more of a club than a bar, based on the fully occupied dance floor and the flashing lights. It was more than a little overwhelming for me, but that didn’t mean that I couldn’t deal with it.

I was fine, really I was. Just as long as I wasn’t left alone.

It was almost a relief when the regular club music was turned off and the band went up on the small stage. They were welcomed with cheers, like proper professional musicians should be.

They played mostly cover songs, probably to give the crowd something that almost all of them would recognize. But the best part was definitely their original songs. When they had said that they would like to have some familiar faces in the crowd, it seems that they were underestimating themselves. Based on the fact that there are definitely singing along to their originals, they have a fair amount of fans in the crowd. People who came here specifically to see them. Myself being one of them, I sang along as well.

I never tried to brave the crowd. That would be pushing my comfort levels far too much. I stayed at the back, where no one was knocking against me With just my friends and a few more people who were slightly more relaxed, most of whom were bobbing their heads with drinks in their hands.

When they finished their set, the audience went mad as they bowed. Cheering for more, but unfortunately not receiving it as the four went backstage.

A few minutes after the music returned to the regular pounding bass, the four ventured through the crowd. I couldn’t actually see them, but you could tell based on the cheers from across the room. It took them what seemed like ages to make their way over to where we were.

While we waited, the five of us (aside from Zayn, who volunteered to drive, just in case) did a couple rounds of shots. Not enough to get any of us even tipsy, it was more something to pass the time while we waited.

Eventually, the four Aussie boys appeared through the crowd and came over to where we were at the bar. They were definitely on a bit of a performer's high, adrenaline coursing through their bodies as they accepted pats on the back and compliments.

Finally, it was my turn to speak them and congratulate them on an excellent performance. I was pulled into bear hug after bear hug. “Fuck, Ash. You guys are so good. So fucking talented.” I said to Ashton as he hugged me. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he hadn’t heard me, though, considering that I’m basically speaking into his shoulder due to the height difference.

“You liked it?” He asked. I guess he had heard me, then.

“Loved it.”

“Good. Was about time you came to a show.”

Suddenly, my wrist was pulled at by Luke. “Louis! Come dance with us!”

With the force that Luke and Calum pulled me onto the dance floor, I didn’t really have the opportunity to say no. We weren’t in the center where people were pressed right together. We stayed closer to the edge, but we were still surrounded by strangers.

I haven’t danced in years. It was a little unnatural for me, given that I am in a completely unfamiliar environment. But after a few minutes, I relaxed into it. They weren’t doing anything that made me uncomfortable. They were just dancing for the sake of dancing. Jumping around and moving their bodies for the hell of it. Not trying to impress anyone.

Plus, no one else was trying to grind on me or touch me in anyway.

Eventually, with maybe a few more drinks in them (aside from Zayn, of course,) the others joined us so that we were just a big clump of flailing boy.

We stayed on the dance floor for nearly an hour, but then it was decided that instruments had better be loaded out of the club and that we should all probably get home. Afterall, we had no idea if I would have to go into court in the morning.

Honestly, it was such a fun night. Despite what happened earlier in the day, and the environment that would usually bring me anxiety, I had fun. A couple of drinks, excellent live music, and all of my friends actually getting along shaped an incredible evening.

I hate everything that brought us together. The abuse I dealt with that led me back to my childhood friends and to my new friends. But I love what that path has gifted me. People who make me feel comfortable and safe. Who make me feel relaxed enough that I can now do things like this.

Maybe I could have gotten to this place without those things. Maybe it would have been a much faster process. But I won’t ever know that. All I know is that right now, as I am sandwiched between two guys in a car, I feel at ease.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know why, but I actually had a lot of trouble writing this chapter. Sorry if it feels disjointed, I wrote this over three or four months. Hopefully the next chapter is better!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	19. Chapter 19

He’s guilty. Two days after the actual day in court, it was announced. He’s guilty.

But he is not being punished as much as I would like.

Despite all the evidence that should have allowed at least close to a maximum sentence, he is only receiving six years. His youngest daughter will not even be out of the house before he is released, and that is if he actually serves his full sentence. Which, odds are, he will not. At least he will be a registered sex offender when he will be released.

Who knows what his family will do. Who knows if his wife will seek a divorce. Who knows if his daughters will continue to believe in him.

But honestly, I don’t give a fuck. Even if his family stays together, they will probably never truly trust him again. He will be losing whatever job he has now, and it will be virtually impossible for him to get another one since his criminal acts cannot be forgotten. Really, his life is over. Even if he will only spend a few years in prison.

Everyone who can be punished for hurting me, is currently being punished. I am as free as I can possibly be.

Once it was all over, it felt like things slowed down. I wasn’t stress free. I still got anxious a lot. But it was much less. I was no longer scared that someone would come after me.

It had been planned that once the case was done with, since it was spring break that my four childhood friends would all be going home. After a bit of debate, it was decided that I would be going with them. I would be staying with Niall, in Greg’s old room.

But apparently I will be expected to visit everyone else’s parents, too. After mom died and dad fucked up, I spent a load of time at all of their houses. Often being present for supper and therefore seeing and speaking to them often. Might as well do that again since I am back in their son’s lives.

After one last Saturday shift with everyone present, I hugged all of them goodbye. They don’t often go home to Australia, and particularly won’t be during spring break since that is when people want to go to clubs and party. And those clubs need bands.

Then, early the next morning, we were on the road. It was only about a two hour drive, and I honestly slept the entire way. I had rode in Liam’s car, so when we arrived at Niall’s house I waited patiently for them to finish kissing goodbye (it took awhile, but I didn’t mind) so that we could unload our bags.

Maura was waiting for us right inside the door. I’m guessing that the only reason she didn’t run out the door to greet us as soon as we pulled in, was to give her son and his boyfriend some time together.

But instead of pouncing on her son, she passed right him and hugged me. It took me a second to realize what was happening, but the second I did I hugged her back just as tight. “We missed you, Louis. We all did.”

I remember being told about the time that they spent looking for me. All of them. For years. My dad couldn’t care less about me, but these people did. They’re not my blood family, but they’re as close as to it as the parents of my friends could possibly be. And I could not be more grateful for them. “I missed you too. So much.”

She gave me one last squeeze and moved on to Niall, hugging him the same way she did me.

As the day went on, us sitting down for lunch, being sent to unpack, chatting over tea, supper being eaten, and everything else in between, I wondered what they had been told. I know that they know that my dad wasn’t a good father, but I don’t know if anything else was explained.

When Maura looked at me, she didn’t seem sad. She didn’t look sorry for me. She didn’t even ask about where I had gone or what I had done. We spoke of only the past few months. Of Niall’s schooling and job, my job, our friends, and nothing else remotely upsetting. We didn’t even speak about the cases, even if they are the reason that Niall is only here for the last half of his break.

Whatever she did or did not know, I appreciate that she didn’t bring up any downers. Kept it positive, the way I like conversation to be.

Days passed. My reception at each other house was similar. Loads of hugs from mums and siblings alike.

Dads, though, were a little more distant. I didn’t feel disliked by them, or unwelcome in any way. The conversation was still quite pleasant, and they were just fine with their sons. But it was like there was a collective agreement between all dads to not touch me. Perhaps they know quite a bit about me afterall.

Spring break passed quickly until it was the evening before we were to leave.

There is one big park in town. I remember when we were younger, Niall and I used to go out there and have a kick around. None of the other boys were ever really as into football as the pair of us are, so they never really joined us. It was our place.

We didn’t have very long before we had to go back to Niall’s place for supper, but we decided to grab a football and go to the park anyway, for old times sake.

It was fun. I was quite rusty, since it’s literally been about six years since I’ve touched a football, but Niall didn’t seem to mind how out of practice I am. Not even when I kicked the ball with far too much force and sent it flying into the nearby trees. “S’fine, mate. I’ve got it.”

Niall went off into the trees before I could protest. I could have easily gotten it myself, but if he wanted to, who was I to to stop him?

Seconds after he disappeared, I heard someone shout my name from behind me. Obviously it wasn’t Niall. But it also wasn’t any of my boys or my family or anyone else from my old school.

It was my dad. I didn’t want to believe it. He was in prison. He had been arrested and he was supposed to be in prison. But he isn’t. He shouted my name again and I turned around. It’s him.

He looks...different. Closer to what I remember him looking like when I was a kid than how he was when I left. Gone is his beer belly. Gone is the beard he had been too drunk to shave. Gone are the bruised knuckles, the dark circles under his eyes, the piercing glare, all of it.

He doesn’t look angry, like he had been every time I had seen him for the last year I had lived with him. That is by far the biggest difference.

He looks happy. Incredibly happy. Happier than any person who has done what he has done deserves to be.

“Oh my god, Lou. It’s been years! Where did you go, Louis?”

I said nothing. I was...frozen. Frozen in fear of the man who ruined me. Just like I always was before he used to touch me.

“Come on, son. Talk to me!” He got closer. Closer and closer until he was directly in front of me. “Look, I know that I had some problems. I know I wasn’t there for you after we lost your mum. But I’ve changed, Louis! I’m sober now! You wouldn’t be alone anymore, Louis. Come on. Come back to my apartment with me. We’ll catch up.”

He touched me, placing a hand on my shoulder. That, I couldn’t handle. I shot away from him, but I tripped over my own feet. “What’s gotten into you, Louis? I’m not going to hurt you. You know I could never hurt my own kid. I just want to talk to you. I woke up one day, and you were just gone.”

He doesn’t remember. He doesn’t remember hurting me. He doesn’t remember anything. He thinks that he was just a drunk. This means that he was so fucking drunk for at least those six months that it’s blacked out of his memories.

He was directly above me and as he finished speaking, he placed his hand on my cheek. “I’m sober, Lou. I won’t hurt you.”

But he will. Fuck, he is. Seeing him out free and him touching me again is hurting me so incredibly badly.My heart was absolutely racing and breathing was becoming difficult. I knew I was on the brink of an attack.

“Lou? Louis!” That...that wasn’t my dad. Niall. It was Niall. Niall sprinting towards us from the trees that he just emerged from.

In all the years I’ve known him, Niall has never truly looked angry or intimidating. He’s kind. Sweet. Gives the best hugs. But right now, as he shouts “Get away from him!” and shoves my dad off of me, he has never looked more terrifying.

As soon my dad was on the ground, Niall grabbed me under my shoulders and pulled me up, then took my hand and started running, me trying to keep up with me. “You’re okay, Lou. Everything’s okay. We’re going to Harry’s. His house is closer than mine, okay?”

He didn’t ever give me a chance to respond, just kept running and spewing out somewhat soothing words, though they didn’t really work since he sounded far too panicked. But he was talking, at least. The last time I was pulled away from a dangerous situation, no one said a thing and that was why my attack was so horrible. I still feel like I’m drowning, but someone talking, though it sounds farther away than I know it is, is definitely helping.

“Almost there, Lou. Just hold on a little longer. Keep breathing. You’re gonna be okay.”

I tried my best, but with all the running and the events of a few minutes ago, I was struggling. The world was blurring around me, like it was spinning so fast that I couldn’t make out anything.

Finally, we were in front of Harry’s house. Niall pounded on the door while he fully supported my my weight.

The second the door opened, Niall more or less dragging me into the front room and onto the couch. “What’s wrong with him? What’s going on?” Oh, it wasn’t Harry. But I know the voice, despite how far away it sounded.

“Panic attack. Bad one. Is Harry here? He needs Harry.”

Anne’s blurred figure shot up the stairs, hopefully that means that Harry is here.

Niall lightly placed a hand on my cheek, making me focus on him as much as I was capable of doing. “You’re okay, Lou. You’re doing good.”

I don’t know how long later, but I heard Harry’s voice. “Don’t touch him, touch stresses him out more.”

Niall’s hand dropped from my cheek, though he remained beside me. “You’re safe here, Louis. You’re at my house, yeah? Nothing can hurt you in here. You’re doing so good, darling. Just got to keep breathing, okay? Deep breaths. In and out. Breath with me.” His voice was deep and slow and soothing. And then he was just breathing. In and out. In and out. I did my best to match his breaths.

Eventually, his voice became clearer in my mind and the world became less blurred. Harry was right in front of me, looking like he was trying very hard to hide his own stress. “There you are, yeah? You’re doing really well.”

He turned his gaze to the side where his mum was standing. She’s still here. She saw all of that. “Could you grab him some water?”

She instantly did just that. Harry moved to sit at my other side. “Can you tell me what happened? You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” He always says that, but I always do.

Anne returned with the water and handed the glass to me, still looking more than a little startled. “Th-thank you.”

She nodded as I chugged the water.

I hated to worry Harry or Anne, but I suppose that they had better know. “It was my dad. H-he was at the park.

“Your dad? You’re sure?” I nodded. “I thought he was in prison.”

“He was.” Said Anne. “Last I checked, he was supposed to be there for at least another year and a half. He must be out on probation.”

A man like that shouldn’t even be considered for probation. But, if he’s ‘changed’ the way he said he did, he must be out on good behavior.

“I just…” Niall started “I was only gone for a minute. But when I got back, he was standing over Lou.” He said, sounding horrified with himself. It wasn’t. Niall couldn’t have known what was about to happen.

“He...he said he changed. Wanted to talk to me. Wanted me to go back to his apartment. And...he doesn’t remember. Doesn’t remember hurting me.”

“Fuck.” Harry stood and walked away from the three of us. “Fuck!”

For a second, he looked as if he was about to punch the wall. He always does something like this when he’s angry. Yells or throws things or punching things. Taking out his anger on everything or everyone around him.

He raised his fist, but lost the momentum quickly so that in the end he only rested his fist on the wall.

Then he disappeared into the kitchen and the room was silent. There was no shouting coming from the kitchen. Nothing banging or clattering or smashing, either. All I could hear was Niall’s steady breathing.

Maybe two minutes later, Harry returned looking much calmer. It usually takes him ages to calm down. And he certainly needs to let it out before he can. But, though he looked on edge, he was back to normal.

He returned to his seat beside me and cautiously took my hand in his. “I’m sorry I freaked out. I’m not mad at you, just so you know. I’m just upset with the situation. We’re not going to let him get to you though, okay? Niall protected you today, right? Kept you safe? We’re all always going to do that. Protect you from everyone who tries to hurt you. We’re going home tomorrow. We’ll be hours away from him. We’ll figure something out for when summer comes. But no matter what, he’s not going to get to you again.”

Oh.

“I-I believe you.”

“Good. Good boy, You’re okay right now, though? He didn’t hurt you?” I shook my head. “Good. At least there’s that. Are you feeling better now? I nodded. “Then we’d better get you back to Niall’s. You should probably have something to eat and go right to bed. I’ll drive, just got to talk to mum quick.”

Harry stood and went to his mum. The pair went into the kitchen, and it was silent once more. Niall placed a hand on my knee and asked. “You sure you’re okay?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Just can’t believe he’s out. Can’t believe he blocked out everything he did to me. As far as he knows, all he did was neglect me. Thank you,” I placed my hand over top of his “for getting me out of there. Don’t know what I would have done if I was alone.”

“Anytime, Lou. Anytime.”

Just then, Harry returned, car keys in hand.

The car ride was silent. Since they lived so close together, it only took a couple minutes. I was about to get out of the car, except there’s something I need to know first. “Harry? Can I talk to you?”

Harry turned to Niall instead of answering. Niall, being the courteous lad be is, said “I’ll be inside. I’ll check if supper’s ready yet.”

I figured that Niall would also he letting those inside know what had happened. I didn’t mind, if it meant that they wouldn’t be asking me.

Harry waited until Niall had shut the door behind him before asking “What’s up?”

“I, um, I just, what was that? Usually when you get, you know…”

“When I’m upset, I freak out?” I nodded. Exactly. “You were right when you said that I needed to get it together. I can’t freak out like that, especially if it ends up making me hurt you, or anyone else I care about. I’ve, um, I had a couple appointments with a counselor at school. Just to figure out how I can calm myself down. Guess it worked well enough.”

“Yeah, it did. But, you did that for me?”

He shrugged. “Had problems with it before, I guess. Ever since you left. But yeah, you made me realize that I needed to get myself under control.”

He did that for me. He did that for me with no ulterior motives, just so that I would feel more comfortable with him.

“You okay, Lou? I know that what happened today shook you up, but…”

“Do you want to go out sometime?”

He froze, and so did I.

Did I mean that? Was I just saying it because he hadn’t yelled earlier? Fuck, am I ready for this?

I am. I want to be ready, and I think I am.

I had said that I wanted to get to know myself first. Really, I sort of have. Sure, I’ve still got more things that I need to figure out. But isn’t being in a relationship supposed to be being yourself, just with another person?

It can’t be the same way it was the first time it happened. Harry can’t be my only comfort or my only escape. I will need to be independent, even if we spend most of our time together.

“What?” Harry asked, still shocked.

“I mean, do you want to go out? With me? On a date?”

“A-are you sure? You’re not just saying that because…”

“No, but that helps. I’m not saying that this is a for sure thing. I’m just saying that I, um, want to try. But I want to do it proper. I want to ease into it, you know? And I need to go really slow. Like, a snail's pace. I get it if you’re not up for all my baggage, but if you want this, then I’m ready.”

A wide smile appeared on his face. “Okay, yeah. Yeah, I’d love that. We’ll work stuff out when we get back to London, yeah? Like, where we’re going and all that.”

“Sounds good. I’d better go inside now, though. So, um, I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Tomorrow.”

With one more shared smile, I exited the car.

Everyone was already eating at the table when I came in. Without a word, only a couple of shy smiles, I joined them.

Conversation was pretty average, mostly just talking about our return to school in the morning and the coming couple months.

Admittedly, I am still quite tired from my attack. Sure, it was pretty minor, but it was a shit day so I’m allowed to be tired. So I was just washing up in the bathroom before I headed to bed, when Niall came in. Really nothing unusual, when you share an apartment with four guys, you end up in the bathroom at the same time. Then, just after I finished brushing my teeth, he asked “what were you talking to Harry about?”

“Just about today. Did you know that he’s been talking to a councillor? About, like, how he acts when he’s angry sometimes?”

Surprisingly, Niall nodded “yeah, he’s mentioned it before. Hadn't really been sure if it was going to work, but I guess he’s taking care of it.”

“Yeah,” I paused, drying my hands. “Also, I kind of asked him out. Like, on a date.”

He froze where he was, just about to grab his toothbrush from the holder. “You...you’re going out with him?”

Not...a positive reaction, which was what I would have been expecting. But, I guess that came with no warning. Just a surprise, for both of us. “Yeah. I want to give it a go.”

“You sure you’re ready for that? I mean, don't get me wrong, I totally support this. I think you guys could work really well together. But, are you sure you can handle this? Because, no offence, you’re not going to have an easy time with this.”

I know that. Nothing I have done has shown that I can properly be in a relationship. But I want to make this work. Sure, it’s going to be frustrating as fuck. But… “I'm ready. We’re gonna have to lay down some ground rules, already sort of started that today, but I think this could work. You know, if we communicate properly.”

Communication is definitely the biggest issue with us. Us (mainly me) keeping secrets and hiding things causes most of our problems. And they don't get fixed very quickly because of us (mainly Harry) reacting before speaking. If we can work on that, it should work. The key word being should.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Squeezed a whole lot of shit into a kind of short chapter. Hope you liked it! Remember to comment and leave kudos!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	20. Chapter 20

The second day we were all back in London, after Harry was home from class and I was home from work, we sat down on his bed for an important chat.

We were sitting across from each other, close but not quite touching. Harry, despite how much we both knew he wanted to try this, was understandably wary. “So, you’re sure you’re ready for this? I won't be mad if you want to back out now. Even if you’ve only got a bit of doubt, we shouldn't push.”

It was nice for him to say, giving me an out. But as we stand right now, I don’t want an out. “I want to. It’s not going to be as easy as it is for most couples, but I think we can manage.”

He looked more than happy to hear me say that, just as happy as I was to say it. “Okay. If you’re ready, then so am I. Now, first date. Where should we go?”

I shrugged, not really having any exact ideas.“Nothing too fancy, for sure. But also, not super casual. I don't want it to feel like we’re just mates hanging out. Cause, I mean, we sort of are. Except we’re more.”

He nodded, taking in my suggestions. “Okay. I think I’ve got some ideas.” At least that makes one of us. “You don't work Friday evening, do you? Would that work?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

Now, that’s the lighter stuff out of the way. But what we really have to talk about, is the meat of it. I want for the both of us to have everything clear before we even go on the date. We know that we both want to do this, but we need to talk about what will be involved in that.

“So, um, I think we both have some things that we need to work out if we’re going to fit together. Like, um, I need to work on my trust issues and communication skills.”

He nodded, understanding where I was coming from. “Yeah. You’re already doing alright with those, though. I’m already working on my own communication skills and my anger thing, but I definitely have a jealousy problem.”

“You know that I wouldn't ever cheat, right? I know that my past doesn't totally show that, but that was my situation. If I'm with you, then I'm with only you.”

“Yeah, I know that. And same for me. And you know that I really am fine with going slow, right? We could only just cuddle for the rest of our lives, not even kissing, and I promise that I wouldn't push you for more. I’ll be satisfied with whatever you want to offer, just as long as I have you.”

Louis knew that they believed each other completely.

The first date was, in a word, excellent. It felt like they were almost getting to know each other for the first time, despite all of their history.

Harry had a really nice date planned for us. We went to a little trendy restaurant. It was a relaxed, fun atmosphere. And the food was great. The fact that it wasn't too loud was a plus, too. That way we could easily talk.

Afterwards, they went for a walk in the park. Louis was a little hesitant, thanks to what happened the last time they were in s park. But it was fine. It was still early enough that the ice cream vendor was still open, so they each got cones for dessert.

All in all, it was lovely. Much better than expected.

The whole going home together thing was a little awkward. Usually when a couple is living together, they’ve been together for a good while and they share rooms. This was not the way it worked for them. When they came through the front door, Harry pecked Louis on the cheek and wished him sweet dreams before disappearing into his own room.

We’d see each other literally ten minutes later, when they both went to the washroom to brush their teeth at the same time.

The next few dates were fairly similar. Not in location, just in the feeling. It was comfortable, thanks to how well we knew each other. But it was also exciting. I felt like I was re-learning who Harry was. Every time they went out, it seemed like he was learning something new.

Looking back at the way we had been together, it almost seems like we had been dating almost just for the sake of dating. It was hardly real. We had a connection, but that was it.

We really had needed to do this proper. Without secrets. With us taking turns to plan dates. With quiet nights in. With us saying goodnight and respectfully parting ways. With cheek and forehead kisses. Like we were courting each other.

We still hung out with other friends. Spent time apart, and together with them. I would often go watch band practices, and occasionally went to gigs too. Loving every minute of them. Harry would spend time with his university friends as well.

Weeks passed. The time for exams grew closer, and everyone grew more and more stressed. Date nights turned into quick dinners at home and then Harry studying while I read a random book beside him, sometimes quizzing him or helping him study if he asked.

There was something else stressing everyone out. The year was ending quickly and my dad was on everyone’s minds. We had yet to come up with a plan. Had yet to even talk about it again, aside from informing everyone of what had happened. Now, it really wasn’t something that we could put off any longer.

“Have you thought about getting, like, a restraining order? He wouldn’t be able to come near you or contact you.”

Of course I had thought about it. I just...I don’t know how I can go through with it. He doesn’t even remember his actions. And, don’t you need to go through a whole legal thing and prove your case? I have no evidence. I don’t know how I could convince a lawyer enough for them to help me.

I shot Harry down immediately. Didn’t let him get another word in.

More time passed until it was one week before exams were set to begin. Things had been going really well, despite all the stress. Harry and I continued to date.

One night, we had gone out to see a movie. I had shut my phone off, as you should in a movie theatre. It was a nice date. Exceptionally nice. We had walked there and home, since it wasn’t that long of a walk. On the way home, we held hands and talked, though the conversation was mostly comprised of giggling.

When we got home, before to the apartment was unlocked and opened, Harry lightly placed a hand on my cheek. “Louis, can I kiss you?”

Despite the fact that we’ve been properly dating for awhile, we haven’t kissed. Not once. But right now, after he’s asked me so tenderly, I want to. “Yes, please.”

He leant down so that I didn’t have to get up on my toes and he kissed me. It was just a gentle press of lips, only lasting for a few seconds before Harry pulled away. But it felt, not magic exactly. But warm. Like a soft heat was traveling all through his body.

They got ready for bed together, brushing their teeth side by side. With one last quick kiss exchanged, they separated and went to bed.

Right before Louis was about to fall asleep, he remembered to turn on his phone. He needed to turn on an alarm, just incase the usual morning activity didn’t wake him up.

I have a missed call and a voicemail. Just one. From a number that I could not recognize for the life of me. I listened to it. Of course I did. It could easily be something important, something involved with me starting school in the fall. Or maybe someone from the house got a new phone.

It was neither of those.

“Louis? This...this is your dad. I’m sorry if I scared you the last time we spoke. But I’d like to try again. Call me back, we need to talk.”

How did he find me? How could he possibly have found me, and after only a month or so after the last time he tried to talk to me?

But he has. He has found me. He’s got my number, it will only be a matter of time before he finds out where I live. He’s going to get to me, no matter how much I have tried to hide from me.

My immediate response was, despite my internal panic, was to run. Run right to Harry’s door and pound on it until Harry finally opened the door.

It took more time than I would have liked for him to answer, but when he opened the door, he quickly ushered me inside and sat down on the bed. “You’re okay, Lou. You’re safe in here, with me. Just gotta breathe, okay? In and out, slow and deep. You’re gonna be just fine. Breathe with me.”

Eventually, my breathing evened out and I stopped sweating and crying. Harry left the room and returned less than thirty seconds later with a tall glass of cool water. “What happened, baby? You were fine when I went to bed. What happened?”

“M-my dad. He g-got my n-number. Called. L-left a message.”

“How did he get your number?” Harry asked, voice even.

“D-don’t know. W-what if he finds out where I live? He’s g-gonna get me.”

Harry slowly laced our fingers together, giving my time to resist the physical contact if I wanted to. I didn’t. I weakly held his hand right back. “No he won’t. He’s not going to get you. I’ve got you. We’ve got you. We’re going to keep you safe. Always.”

“If I get a res-restraing order, do I have to see him again? Do I have to prove what he did?”

“Yeah. I’m sorry, but that’s how it works.”

“I can’t prove it.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“He’s not...I don’t think he wants to hurt me again. But I can’t see him again. Never.”

“We’ll figure something out, darling. He’s not going to get you. Not ever.”

That night, I slept in Harry’s bed. Neither of us wanted for me to be alone after the call, so we ensured that I wasn’t. He held me close against his chest and surprisingly, with the help of Harry’s even breaths and the comfortable weight of his arms around me, I slept almost soundly.

The next day, I tried to go about normally. I went to work and came home as I always did. But my anxiety has spiked especially high. Every noise from behind me makes me jump. The same with every unexpected touch. I could tell that everyone wanted to ask me what was wrong. Ask why I panicked at things that I was, lately, fine with. But no one asked, thankfully. I didn’t have to recount what my father was doing to me again.

It wasn’t spoken of at all for a few days. As each day passed, I grew more and more terrified. I had blocked the number, but I knew that my dad must have called again. There is no way that he would have stopped after only one call. It was only a matter of time until he grew tired of waiting and took further action.

The day before his exams were to begin, Harry approached me with an idea. Simple, but possibly effective. “Write him a letter. Make him understand what he did to you. It seems like he believes that he loves you. If that’s true, he will hate the idea of hurting you. I don’t think you’re in real danger of him hurting you again because of that. If you make him understand, he might leave you alone.”

We agreed that I would give it a try. If it didn’t work, I would have to obtain a restraining order. But this was my chance to make him leave me alone, and to never have to see him again.

Of course, there was the matter of actually writing the letter. Of figuring out exactly what I wanted to say and then actually translating that into written word.

I wrote and re-wrote the letter dozens of times. It was almost pathetic how many attacks this letter caused me. Harry was with me all the while. I was never alone when I tried to write. Even during exams, Harry made time to support me. Though of course, not so much that he was slacking on his studies and possibly endangering his grades.

When exams finished, Liam, Zayn, and Niall stuck around for a short while. Spending a few days celebrating the end of another year. But they soon went home.

Harry had promised me that he would not go home and leave me here alone, or take me back to his home, until we were sure that I would be safe.

We didn’t go out much in this time, I was too paranoid. Aside from the time when I worked, we mostly stayed home alone together, kissing and cuddling sweetly. I had more or less moved into Harry’s room, since that was now where I slept every night.

One day, after nearly a month since the first phone call, I figured it out. I wrote the final draft. A letter that encapsulated every single thing I have ever wanted to say to my father. And I sent it.

To Mr. Tomlinson

This is your son, Louis William Tomlinson. I know that you’ve been trying to get in contact with me, and I suppose I can understand why. But you need to know why I have not been answering your calls.

We both grieved over mom. But you did so in the wrong way. You drank. You drank so much, that there is a period of at least six months that you do not remember. In that time, you hurt me in the worst way possible. You raped me, nearly every day.

I think at first, you were so out of it that you believed I was mom. You would call me by her name and you would tell me that you loved me, something that you hadn’t done in ages. Over time, that stopped. You stopped telling me that you loved me, but you kept raping me.

I had tried to avoid you. But even if I had been out of the house long passed dark, you would always get to me at some point. Eventually, I couldn’t take it anymore. That is why I left. Not just because of your drinking. I could have handled that. But I could not handle the pain.

Because of you, in the past few years, I have been abused over and over again. Still, I don’t regret leaving. If I had stayed with you, I know that I would have been dead long ago.

You might not believe me, but it happened. You should be relieved that I have not taken legal action against you. However, I will do so if you continue to attempt contacting me.

Never call me or attempt to find out where I live. And if you see me in public, do not speak to me or approach me.

You deserve much worse than this. You deserve to rot in prison for the rest of your life. You deserve to die. You should be pleased that this letter is all you are receiving.

I have one favour to ask. Never date again. Never have more children. Never enter a place or situation where you are close to children ever again. Seclude yourself. I know that you believe that when you are sober, you are a good man. But alcohol was not to only reason that you did what you did to me. If you are close to anyone ever again, you will hurt them. Do not allow that to happen.

You will never hear from me again. I am no longer your son and you are no longer my father.

I hope that you spend the rest of your life suffering, but it will never be as much as you deserve.

From, the boy you tried to destroy,

Louis Tomlinson

While I had been writing the letter, Harry had his family back home find out exactly where my dad was living. Surprisingly, it wasn’t that difficult. Probably because it isn’t exactly a huge town.

Harry held my hand as I dropped the letter in a mailbox. It was out of my hands now. This was all I could do. Immediately after getting rid of the letter, Harry and I went out together, to distract us.

The next day, Harry had a thought. How was I supposed to know if he was listening to me, if I didn’t eve know whether or not he continued to call me? So, I unblocked his number.

That first day, I received seven calls. Of course, I didn’t answer a single one. But clearly dad hadn’t given up, despite the fact that I have not answered any of his calls in all the weeks he’s been trying.

I can’t expect for him to have gotten the letter yet. Letters don’t always travel quickly. They call it snail mail for a reason. But as days passed, I grew more and more anxious. He kept calling. Multiple times a day. I was starting to wonder if he is ignoring what I said in the letter.

On the fifth day, suddenly, it stopped. No more calls. Not one. And finally, I could breathe.

I never heard from him again.

I had never felt more free. They were gone. All the people who have had the greatest impact on me are gone from my life. Permanently. They can’t hurt me anymore. They can’t speak to me anymore. They can’t even see me anymore. None of them. They can’t hurt me, and hopefully they won’t be able to get to anyone else.

Harry and I still didn’t go back to his home. And we won’t not for a while. Just in case we come across dad so soon after the letter. We will go back sometime this summer, at least once. But not yet. For now, we stay in London and enjoy our version of peace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoyed the chapter! Remember to leave comments and kudos!
> 
> I can't believe it, but this fic is pretty much done with. There will only be another two chapters before it is completely over. I really hope that you guys are enjoying reading it as much as I have enjoyed writing it!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	21. Chapter 21

It was about two weeks since everyone else had returned to their homes, leaving Harry and I alone together, when something happened. Nothing dangerous or panic attack inducing, but something that was a little upsetting to me.

Harry and I have been sharing a bed each night, which I loved. I slept better when there was someone else with me, especially when that person was Harry. I liked being surrounded with his scent and warmth and body.

This night was a little different. We had come home from a film and had gone to bed together, cuddling close under the covers. We both slept peacefully. For awhile. But then, I woke up.

I woke up to the feeling of something prodding against my ass. In my sleepy fog, it took me a few seconds to realize exactly what was happening. We had been spooning, me as the little spoon, so I couldn’t see Harry’s face. But it was safe to assume that he was asleep. There was no way that Harry would be rutting against me, his covered cock nudging against my clothed crack, if he had been awake.

I certainly wasn’t okay with him doing this to me while I was asleep, unable to consent, even if he was also asleep. I was quick to reach around and whack him upside the head, waking him instantly. “Wha’s it?” Harry was quick to realize what he had been doing in his sleep, springing away from me, nearly falling off the bed in the process. “Shit, Lou. M’sorry. I didn’t mean to...I’m really sorry. I’m just going to, um, have a shower.”

He bolted from the bed, not even taking the time to shut the door behind him. Within seconds, Louis could hear the water of the shower running.

The thing is...it wasn’t that bad? Had I been awake, I might not have minded it. Sure, with my record, I would have liked to have a conversation about this sort of thing first. If we had talked about it, it could have been fine. Honestly, I might have wanted...more. Maybe. I don’t know, really. But I wouldn’t mind giving it a try. Maybe. Possibly. For sure.

Harry returned ten or so minutes later, hair damp and looking quite embarrassed. I don’t know whether or not he had a cold shower or if he just wanked really fast, but either gets the job done. “Are...are you still okay in the same bed.”

I nodded, of course. And I pulled back the covers a little more to show that he really was welcome. Well, obviously he’s welcome. This is his bed. We’re both welcome, I guess.

We didn’t return to our previous position. Though arm arms and torsos are close as ever, there is a gap of at least a foot between our lower bodies. It can’t be comfortable for Harry, with the angle he’s laying at. “M’really sorry, Lou. I didn’t mean to…”

“I know.” I said softly, cutting off his apology. I knew he was sorry. We’ve done a lot of talking the past few weeks, and our understanding of each other has grown immensely. He knows exactly why what happened bothered me. With the way things have been going and with how much I understand Harry, I know that he didn’t do it on purpose. He was asleep, and you can’t control your behavior in your sleep. Especially when you’re a teenage boy with a sex drive. “It’s okay, Harry. M’not mad. Let’s get back to sleep, yeah? Talk about it tomorrow.”

Even if I’m not very bothered, we still need a chat. But three in the morning doesn’t feel like a good time for that.

When we awoke, there really wasn’t time to talk. Harry had gotten himself a full time job for the summer and I still worked, so we both had to get to our morning shifts quickly after we woke up.

Work was fine. I was a little anxious about the upcoming conversation, but that is easily forgotten at work. They were right, the warmer months are definitely busier. Much less time to goof around, that time instead being spent constantly serving customers and cleaning up their messes. There was a bit of time to chat in between customers, but not enough for any proper conversations. So it was just the usual Luke, who I was working with that day, asking me about my date the night before and me asking about their most recent gig or practice. Nothing exciting or out of the ordinary for us to talk about in the two minutes between customers.

Since our shifts end at different times and the others are back at their homes, I’ve gone back to walking home from work. So after hugging Luke (and Ashton and Calum, once they arrived to take over) goodbye, I left.

Harry and I have had a bit of a deal since the others left. Since I am still completely hopeless in the kitchen, Harry cooks and I do the shopping. Which works well for me, considering that Harry and I have slightly different opinions on necessary purchases. In the past couple months, I’ve been altering my diet slightly. Mostly just a few more sugary cereals than Harry thinks I should get. I still buy all the things he wants, but this way I get what I want too.

I stopped at the shop on the way home, picking up the list we had put together the afternoon before. It didn’t take all that long to find everything, I’ve been in here enough to know where all of our usual purchases are.

The problem wasn’t the shopping, it was what happened as I was on my way home. I’ve dealt with this before, sort of. But not by myself. I’ve never been alone to deal with this before. A client spotting me in public.

This one had been pretty terrible. One of the ones who was bad enough that I had wanted to ban him, but caused just too little damage for me to be able to do so. Made it almost impossible for me to function after the session. And now, like has happened too many times before, this man has found me.

It kind of makes me wonder, what population of London men have I actually slept with? Because I feel like it’s at least two percent.

The man is one of the more intimidating looking ones, much taller than me and with massive muscles. He could easily take me down, which is why it is even more terrifying that I am alone.

“Hey, five. Where’ve you been?”

“Leave me alone,” I said with determination, trying to screw my face so that I didn’t look quite so intimidated.

When we’d have sessions before, he would start out almost polite. In the first ten minutes of the first session, I almost thought that he was sweet, despite how intimidating he appeared. Then he’d just get right into it. Which is exactly why I am not letting my guard down with how casually he is speaking to me.

“They shut down your place, yeah? Where’re you working now?”

“No where. Leave me alone.” I looked around at the people who passed us by. Of course, none of them were paying attention. None of them noticed how clearly uncomfortable I must look. Of course, even if they did notice, I doubt that anyone would step in.

“Come on, come back to my place. We can have some fun there.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him reaching for my arm. Just as his fingertip brushed my skin, I pulled away. Suddenly, it was like my veins were filling with fire. All of my hatred for those who caused me pain, for the first time, was completely forced out of me. “Stop it! I’m not your fucking play thing! You can’t just go up to boys on the street and ask them for sex! Not even if it’s happened before! I am not in that business anymore, and you have no right to touch me! So keep your filthy fucking hands off of me and leave me alone!”

And I ran. And I ran and I ran, constantly checking behind me to make sure that no one was following, until I was locked tight inside my home.

They have no right to do that. Unless I am actively offering, strangers should never assume. I am out of that house, and therefore I am not in business. Things would be much easier if these people would just leave me alone and found someone else who actually enjoy the same things that they do.

Harry came home about an hour later, finding half of the groceries (the ones that don’t need to be in the fridge or freezer) still unpacked, and me on the couch, staring gloomily at some sitcom. “Are you alright, babe.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. “Just a bad day.”

He was immediately at my side, though not touching me. Wary as always of setting anything off. “What happened? Bad day at work?”

I shook my head. “Nah, work was fine. It was after. A, um, a client spotted me.”

He froze, his own fear brewing in himself for me. “Were you alone?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit.” I could tell that he was starting to get panicked, though he was hiding it as well as he always does. At least he was staying calm, not getting angry with anyone, at least not visibly. “Are you okay? Did he touch you? Or…”

“He didn’t touch me. Didn’t let him.”

“Good. Good. That’s...okay. Did you, um, have an attack?”

It hit me. No. No, I didn’t. I got through it by myself, and I didn’t have an attack. “No. I was scared at first, but I was more angry, you know? Yelled at him and ran. Think he was too stunned to think of following me.”

“Wow.” He took his own moment to think, and then he smiled. “M’really proud of you, Lou. You got through that by yourself”

Despite the fact that I had handled it, I wish I hadn’t had to. I wish someone else could have been there. Someone to keep me safe and grounded. Someone like, or specifically, Harry. “Still wish you were there.”

“Yeah, me too. Wish I could always be there to stop people from hurting or scaring you. But I wasn’t, and you still managed. Got yourself out of a dangerous situation unscathed. You should be proud of yourself. You know that you couldn’t have done that a few months ago.”

I really couldn’t have. In fact, I hadn’t. But today, I got through it. I probably wouldn’t have gotten out so well with different clients. But today, I was okay. Better than okay, I was amazing. I know that in the future, this will happen again. At least for another few years, until I look a little different. But if I can deal with them like I did today, I’ll be just fine.

“We should celebrate. What do you want for dinner? I’ll make you whatever you want. I’ll chill some wine.”

He stood, probably to get right to it, but I placed a hand on his arm to stop him. I’d been distracted all day, but now that we’re here together, there’s something that we need to do. “Actually, um, can we talk first? About last night.”

In an instant, his moderately good mood was gone as he remembered the night before. “Right, um, yeah. We should.” He sat back down, keeping a little distance between us. “I’m really sorry, Lou. I didn’t mean to do that to you. You know that I would never purposefully take advantage of you like that. You’ve got to know that I would never do anything deliberately to hurt you.”

“I know, Harry.” I scooted a little closer to him. “I’m not mad, honestly. It does bother me that that was done to me when I was asleep. But, you were asleep too. I know that you’ve got to be a bit sexually frustrated, so I get why it happened. It wasn’t your fault.”

“Thank you, Lou. You’re sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. Just as long as you know why it bothered me.”

“Yeah, I know. Never anything while you’re asleep, or otherwise unable to consent. So, um, we’re okay?” He asked, looking hopeful.

“Of course. But that’s not all I wanted to talk to you about.”

He deflated, just slightly, worry returning to his face. “Oh. What do you want to talk about?”

“It’s nothing bad. Actually, it could be a good thing.” I paused, waiting for him to ask, but he didn’t so I continued. “Well, um, while I didn’t like the way that things happened last night, I sort of, um, I didn’t mind the feel of it. Honestly, it felt kind of good. And, um, I wouldn’t mind starting to try things with you.” He looked...stunned, for the lack of a better view. Completely frozen in shock. “Well, um, I was sort of hoping for a better reaction than this.”

That unfroze him quickly, bringing him back to the moment. “Are...are you sure? Because I wasn’t expecting this, like, ever. Especially not so soon.”

I nodded, a little shy all of a sudden. “I’m sure. You know that I wouldn’t suggest this if I wasn’t ready. But, all the same, we’re going to go at my pace.”

“Yeah, I know that. I promise that I’ll always listen, okay? I’ll always listen to what you do and don’t want.”

“Same goes for me, I promise that too.”

“Good. So, um, how do you want to go about this?”

I shrugged. “Dunno. My plan only really went up to me telling you.”

“Okay.” He just sat, thinking for a moment, until it looked like he had an idea. “Can I give you a blowjob?”

I was too surprised to answer right away, by him offering so blatantly. But, I guess that we were literally just having a conversation that was straight up about sex. Really, it was a pretty natural place to take this. “Y-yeah.”

He smirked, then kissed me. Lightly at first, but as mouth opened and tongues moved together and lips were bitten, it heated up until I was starting to get hard in my pants, just from kissing. He pulled away, only to reattach his lips to my neck. Not biting, just kissing, licking, and lightly sucking. Not enough to leave a permanent mark, but my skin is probably getting red in the places he lingered.

And, fuck. I’d never liked this sort of thing before. But with Harry, I’m quickly turning into a whimpering, moaning mess. Slowly, he started dragging his hand up from where it had been resting on my thigh until it was hovering over my cock, fingers just lightly brushing over the fabric of my jeans. “Anyone ever suck your dick before Lou?”

He pressed his fingers down just slightly, making me whine. “C-couple times. Not for y-years.”

“Yeah? You want me to take care of you? Make you feel good?” I nodded dumbly. “You sure?” He asked, voice still all gravely and sexy, but slightly concerned. “We can stop if you want.”

I shook my head rapidly. “No, please. Want it.”

“Okay.” He popped the button and undid the zipper of my jeans. “Lift your bum. Need these off.” I did as he asked, and he got my jeans and pants off in one go. Harry slid off of the couch and got on his knees in front of me. He licked his hand and wrapped it around my cock, his spit acting as a lube to make the glide smoother. His hand is so big, it practically engulfs it. And fuck, if that wasn’t a sight.

He pumped my cock a few times and then leant forward, letting out a couple cool breaths out onto my cock and pressed a kiss to the tip. “Tell me to stop, okay? If you want to stop, you can tell me.”

Without hesitation, he wrapped his lips around my cock. He bobbed his head, coming back up to suck and lick at the tip. Fuck, this is so much better than anything I can remember. At that second, I was sure that nothing has ever felt so good.

All it took was for Harry to take me a little deeper down his throat, and I knew that I was close. “Fuck, Harry. M’gonna...gonna cum.”

He pulled off just slightly and, fuck, he moaned. And that was it for me. Just the vibrations his moan sent up my cock. I came, harder than I can ever remember cumming before.

He swallowed all of it, sucking me dry until I was far too sensitive.

He pulled off with a pop, and he kissed me. Just tenderly, our mouths never even opened. The kiss felt almost like a thank you, I guess. For what, I’m not really sure. For letting him in, maybe? Or for giving this a try? Something along those lines.

I redressed myself, with a little help from Harry since I’ve practically turned to jelly. “You good?”

“Yeah, m’good.” I kissed him again, just as softly as he had kissed me seconds before. “Want me to do you too?”

He shook his head. “Nah, I think this is enough for now. You look so good like that, you know. Coming undone, just for me.”

I snorted, shoving him playfully. “Shut up.”

And he just laughed. “Come on, I’ve got cooking to do and you need to finish putting away the groceries. He stood and gave me and hand doing the same. “And, Louis?”

“Yeah?”

“You should be really proud of yourself, for coming this far. I’m so proud of you.”

After that we just...continued with our day. Like he said, I put away the groceries and he cooked. We ate in front of the tv, watching a Harry Potter Movie. And then another one. And before we knew it, we had both fallen asleep on the couch, draped across each other.

A few days later, I came home from work to find Harry sitting at the kitchen table, a notebook and pen in front of him. “What’s up, babe?”

He looked to me, expression reading hopeful. “Well, I was thinking that we need to have a talk.”

Damn, thought we’d just had our last important talk for at least a few weeks. Guess not. Though, I can’t think of anything at the moment that requires a proper ‘talk.’ “What about?” I asked as I sat down beside him.

“Basically, sex.” And again, we literally just talked about that. And have been exchanging blowjobs daily since. “I think we need to talk about, like, or preferences. Our likes and dislikes. Things we want and need. I think that we just need to clarify where we both stand if we’re going to keep trying things.”

That’s actually...really smart. Establishing certain things before we go any further. “Oh. Um, okay. That’s probably a good idea.”

“I thought so,” he said with a small smile. “So, um, can you give me, like a guideline on things that are an absolute no for you?”

For a moment, I thought. Compiling a list in my head. “Anything that causes pain. Like, spanking or hitting me with anything like whips or belts. And when we have sex, I need lube and to be, um properly prepped. Also, nothing bigger than your dick in me, that would hurt too much for me to deal with, too.”

He nodded, writing that down. “Good. That pretty much goes with what I don’t like. Being done to me, or doing to you. Anything else?”

“Can’t have anyone else involved. No threesomes or orgies, ever.”

“Sounds good to me.”

“I don’t want to be gagged. I need to be able to talk to you, if I need to. Also, no choking. And, um, there are some names I don’t like.”

He stopped writing and looked back at me. “Yeah? Can you tell me what they are?”

I blushed. “Just, um, slut and whore. I hate being called those. Just mean names like that. And, um, also princess?”

He looked a little confused at the word that didn’t fit with the others. “Princess?”

I winced, just at hearing him say it. “It was what he said to me. After he kissed me and left me there, he called me that.”

“Okay.” He nodded, understanding. “You don’t have to explain it, really you don’t. But thanks for telling me that. Is there anything else you’re really against?” I shook my head. “Okay. We can add things later, if you think of anything else. Now, what names do you like?”

“Just my name. And, like, sweet names.”

“Like baby and love and good boy?”

I nodded. “Yeah, exactly like that.”

“Okay. I’m pretty much the same. No dirty names for us, just sweet ones.”

“Yeah. And, um, for other sex things, I’m going to be pretty vanilla.”

“Okay. Vanilla is just fine with me.”

“But, um, there are some things I might like.”

He put down his pen. “Yeah? Want to tell me about them?”

“Well, um, I thought that I didn’t like hickies. But when you were doing them really light the other day, I really liked how it felt. Kind of like the idea of having your marks on me.”

“Okay. We can try that. Maybe start with places you can cover up easily at first, though. Just in case you decide that you’re actually not into marking. Anything else?”

“This is, um, just an idea. Not sure it would actually work out.”

“It’s okay. Just because you tell me, though, it doesn’t mean that we have to actually try it. It can just be something to keep in mind.”

“Well, um, I could like bondage, I think. Not, like, hardcore. Only hands, not legs. And it would have to be with something soft, no rope or handcuffs. A scarf or something instead. And also, I might like being blindfolded. But not at the same time. Only one thing can be done at a time. I think that either of those could feel good with you, because I trust you to take care of me. But if we do more than one thing at once, then I might not feel safe.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, completely sincere. “Just because other people did that with you, doesn’t mean that you have to do that with me. I’d be more than happy with trading blowjobs and nothing else.”

I nodded. “I’m glad to hear you say that. And I know that you mean it. But I think that, with you, it could feel good. Not for awhile, but in the future at some point. But, um, only if you wanted that too.”

“Well, for me, my biggest thing is just taking care of the person I’m with. Seeing and hearing how good I make them feel. That’s what really turns me on. I wouldn’t be into something if it hurts you or makes you feel poorly, but other than that I’m up for anything.”

“Then I guess we’re a pretty good match.”

“Yeah, guess we are.” He half smiled, half smirked. “So, is there anything else?”

“Nah, not that I can think of. But we can always add to the list in the future.”

“Course. But since you’ve mentioned, like, bondage, then there’s some other stuff we should talk about. Do you have a safeword?”

“A what?”

A have a...very vague idea of what that means. But I don’t actually know. It’s not something I’ve educated myself on, or previously had the resources to look into. “Well, it’s a precaution. If we’re doing something sexual and you decide that you want or need to stop, you say the word and we stop right away.”

“Okay. I, um, I don’t know.”

“We can use the traffic light system, then. I think that would work best for us. Green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. Does that work for you?” I nodded. “Now, what about aftercare?”

Yet another word that I don’t understand. You’d think that I would know this, considering that I worked in the sex industry for more than a quarter of my life. “What, um, I don’t know what that means, either.”

For a second, he looked almost sad. Sad for me about what used to happen, probably. But in the blink of an eye, the sadness was gone. “It’s what happens after sex. Particularly if you’re doing something that isn’t vanilla. It’s, like, cleaning up and relaxing, pretty much. Like, if we do bondage and you end up with, I don’t know, a raw spot from the scarf or whatever we use, making sure that it’s taken care of. And, I don’t know, a shower. Maybe a movie and cuddles. That sort of stuff.”

That actually...it makes a lot of sense. I know that I would of loved that after some of my rougher encounters in the past. It definitely would have helped me deal with things. Instead, I barely had time to take care of myself. But since I couldn’t have it then, I think that it would really help now. Honestly, it might make me, personally, more willing to try things. “Any of those things sound good to me, actually. Just as long as it’s, um, some quiet time together.”

“Okay. That works for me. Well, that’s...that’s pretty much all I can think of. You good?”

I nodded. “Yeah. Just...you know that sex isn’t going to be an everyday thing, right? I have bad days, and on those days, we won’t be doing anything sexual.”

He nodded. A small, maybe a little sad smile, on his face. “I know. And m’not going to pressure you into anything, ever. Sex is going to be a small part of our relationship. It will be something that we do to make each other feel good, but it won’t be the only thing. Or the most important thing, for that matter. And that work perfectly for me, just as long as we’re both happy.”

Of course, as he always does, he said just what I needed to hear. I needed to hear that he understands me, and won’t try and change me.

“So, do you, um, want to try something?” I asked, a little hesitant.

He nodded, smirking. “Yeah. Something new?” I nodded. “Can I finger you, babe?”

I basically choked on my own spit. “N-never done that ever before.”

“Never?” He looked a little appalled. “Not even when you had sex the first couple times?”

I shook my head. “No. He, um, he offered. But I did it myself.”

“Damn. So, this’ll be the first time anyone else has ever done this for you?” I nodded. “I’ll make it good for you. Promise I will. Do you want to?” I nodded. “Do you trust me?” I nodded again. “Okay. Then let’s get you to bed.”

He scooped me up out of my seat before I could react, making me wrap my legs around him as he carried me to our bedroom. He placed me gently on the edge of the bed and kissed me, hard. Little finess, all passion. Slowly, like he was making sure he wasn’t going to startle me, he placed his hands on my sides, caressing my clothed body.

“Can I take your clothes off, babe?” I nodded rapidly, lifting my arms so that he could get my shirt off and then unceremoniously shoving off the rest so that I was completely bare in front of him. Suddenly feeling a little intimidated by being the only one naked, I asked “Could you take yours off too? Please?”

He stepped away from me, only just enough that he could strip without accidentally knocking me in the face. Within half a minute, we were equally exposed, just the way I prefer it. Scooch up, babe. On your back.”

I did as I was asked, shuffling back until my head was on the pillows. Harry went around the bed to the nightstand and pulled a little bottle of lube. He spread my legs a little more than they had been, bending them to give us a better angle, and got himself comfortably in between his legs. “It’s been awhile, yeah? So it’s probably gonna be a little uncomfortable at first. But I’ll make you feel so good, yeah? Promise you that.”

As soon as I nodded, he dribbled (probably a little too much) lube onto his fingers. He trailed his fingers down over my ass until two of his fingers were brushing over my hole. “Ready?”

“F-fuck, Harry. Please.”

“Whatever you want.”

Slowly, he pressed the tip of his finger in. Damn, it really has been awhile. I can’t remember ever feeling so tight around a finger. So tight, it burned a little. He pressed his finger the rest of the way, so slowly that it felt like it took centuries. When his first finger was all the way in, he bent over and kissed me, clearly intending to distract me from the slight pain. “M-move.”

And, fuck, did he listen. He pulled his finger out slowly before pushing it right back in. Within minutes of him doing so, I was pushing back against it, begging non-verbally for more.

“I ever tell you how much I love your ass?” To punctuate his question, he pulled his finger out and added another. The second finger went in much easier. I was so eager for it, making my body relax enough to welcome the intrusion. After just a few pumps of his fingers, he started moving them differently. Crooking and scissoring them inside of me.

Then, he hit it right on, and I couldn’t help but moan loudly. “Fuck, Lou. Sound so good. That your spot?”

My response was only a whimper as we hit it again. And again. And again and again and again, over and over. “Come on, babe. Cum for me.”

There was no way I could be embarassed about cumming so quickly, and on command, because it felt too fucking good to think about any of that.

While I was l lay there, totally overwhelmed by my orgasm, Harry sat back with a massive smirk on his face.

A few minutes later, once I had more or less recovered, I sat back up to look at Harry properly. He certainly wasn’t lying when he said that making other people feel good turned him on, because he is so fucking hard. Cock red and leaking, curved up against his belly.

I wasted no time in getting my mouth on his cock. I definitely can’t deep throat him as well as I used to be able to, he’s too fucking huge and it’s been awhile, but fuck if my technique isn’t still excellent.

He was so close, it was only a few minutes until he was cumming down my throat with a loud, deep moan. And, of course, I swallowed every drop.

The two of us plopped down with our heads on the pillows. “Fuck, Lou. You’re so good.”

“I’m good?” I chuckled. “Fingering myself never felt that good. I always just got the job done. Didn’t know that I could cum untouched from fingers.”

“You did, though.” He kissed me forehead. “Looked so good. So pretty. Should get you cleaned up, though. Got your cum all over yourself. Shower?”

I nodded, humming in response. We helped each other up and into the bathroom. We kissed tenderly under the warm water as we helped wash each other, shampooing and conditioning each other’s hair and gently scrubbed the rest of each other’s bodies. Once we were dried off and warm, we dressed in our softest trackies and fell back into bed, this time just to sleep.

Holding each other close, he whispered to me “I’m proud of you, Louis. You’ve come so far, especially in the last few months.”

“Couldn’t have done it without you.” I whispered back, pressing a kiss to his neck. “Not as easily, at least. Not so quickly after everything. Don’t know how I would have managed if I was by myself.”

“Well, you don’t have to think about that, okay? Cause you’ve got me, and I’ve got you. You won’t have to think about being alone ever again.”

Here in this bed, with Harry in my arms and me in his, I know that that’s true. I’m not alone. And I never will be again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the second last chapter! I can't believe that it's nearly over! I hope that it's winding down the way you guys hoped it would. This chapter was one of the first that I ever planned out, probably nine months ago. So I can't believe that it's finally posted!
> 
> As usual, be sure to leave comments and kudos!
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


	22. Chapter 22

This may just be my personal opinion, but starting a day off with your boyfriend’s tongue in your ass, is probably one of the best ways to start the day.

After discovering how responsive I can be when my ass is played with, Harry’s taken to showing off his rimming skills whenever we have the time.

And now, the day after getting back from a week with Harry’s family and our friends, we miraculously have the same day off. That gives Harry plenty of time to draw this out and make this so fucking good.

After asking if I wanted to do this, the way he always does whenever we do anything sexual, he stripped us both of our trackies and flipped me over, on my knees and leaning forward on my elbows. He spread my cheeks apart, each fitting perfectly in his hands like they were made for him to hold. He licked one big, fat strip over my hole, already making me let out a little whimper.

He teased me, lightly sucking and nibbling at and licking at my rim, drawing out the experience just the way I like it. The second he presses his tongue into me, I can’t help but let out a long, deep moan. If a man can smirk while he’s got his tongue inside another person, Harry sure as hell is as he fucks me with his tongue.

He alternates between fucking it in and out as deep as he can, and then pulling out all the way to pay attention to the rim once more. Pushing me closer and closer to cumming with every flick of his tongue and squeeze of his hands.

“F-fuck, Harry. Don’t w-wanna cum like this. Wanna...fuck me.”

For the first time since he started, he pulled back completely. “What?”

Still feeling more than overwhelmed from his tongue, I whined again and pushed me ass back at him. I want this so bad. Been thinking about it for weeks, but right now, I really need it. “Fuck me, please.”

I turned my head to look at him, and he looks so shocked, but definitely excited about the idea. “Fuck, you sure? Do you want to top?”

“No,” I shook my head. “Fuck me. Wanna feel full.”

“Okay. Yeah, okay. Just...need stuff.”

He rushed to the bedside table and rummaged through it as I rolled over onto my back. He’d tossed the nearly empty bottle of lube on the bed beside me, but it took him a moment to find any condoms. “You do have some, right?” I asked teasingly, getting a little impatient for him to get back to touching me.

“Yeah, got some somewhere in here. It’s been awhile, you know?”

Of course, I do know. Harry hasn’t had full on sex since the first time we did, all those months ago. But, really, we’re hardly counting that. And before that, I know that he hadn’t done anything in the four months that we had been dating before that. Makes sense that they would be buried under other things, especially since he hadn’t been expecting to need anything for awhile.

Finally, triumphantly, he held one up. “Knew I had one somewhere.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re such a dork.”

“Yeah, but I’m your dork.”

I couldn’t help the fond smile on my face. “Yeah, you are. But you’re definitely gonna have to buy more before next time.”

“I know. I’ll take care of that later. But right now,” He got in between my legs, and he leant down and pressed a quick kiss to my lips. “Let me take care of you. How do you want to be?”

“On my back, like this” I said with certainty.

“You sure? Cause, I know you’ve said before that you prefer riding.”

“This is another ‘only with you’ kind of things, okay? I don’t need to be in control with you. I trust you.”

“Okay.” He kissed me again, lingering this time. “Then let’s get your pretty ass ready for me, yeah?”

I let out a soft whimper as he took control of the situation. He spread my legs out further than they already had been, giving him better access to my body. He lubed up his fingers (using too much as always, which is probably why we go through so much) and brought them down between my legs.

He circled my hole with two fingers, teasing me, as he kissed me deeply. He pressed one in, even slower than I needed him to. Keeping the first finger still inside me, and then beginning to pump it in and out agonizingly slow. Despite the fact that I was already a bit stretched out just from his tongue, he still took his time with the second. And then the third.

For the first time, he isn’t doing this to make me cum as hard as he can. That will come later. So, for now, he mostly avoids my prostate. Occasionally, he crooks his fingers just so, barely brushing over it. But it was enough that by the time he pulled his fingers out, I was a moaning mess, clutching the sheets in tight fists.

Still mostly on top of me, he moaned “Fuck, Lou. So pretty.” Suddenly looking much less turned on (aside from his dick) and much more concerned, he asked “But, are you, uh, are you sure you’re ready for this? Cause, we don’t have to do this. You know that, right? We could definitely just get dressed and go have breakfast and…”

“Harry!” I grabbed his arm, distracting him from his speech. I am way to desperate for this to listen to his concern, as sweet as it is. “If you don’t get in me right now, I’m gonna fucking leave.”

He chuckled slightly, maybe looking a little more nervous than he should be. “Sorry, I just...I want to be sure that you’re not just doing this because of me.”

I shook my head. “I’m not. I mean, I sort of am doing this for you, because I want to make you feel really good. But this time isn’t like last time, okay? Do you trust me?” He nodded. “Then trust that I know myself well enough to know that I want this, and I’m ready for this. Are you ready? Because it’s the same for you, we won’t do this if you don’t want to.”

“I want this. Fuck, Louis, I want this so bad. And if you’re ready, then I am too.”

“Good.” I leant up the short distance and kissed him softly. “Then get your cock in me.”

He burst out laughing, and I couldn’t help but join him for a few seconds. “Way to ruin the moment, Lou. But if that’s what you want, then you’ve got it.”

He ripped open the little foil packet that had been formerly beside me, and rolled it on his cock, pumping it a couple times. Then he grabbed the little bottle and lubed up his cock.

He lined himself up and with agonizingly slow, practically minuscule, thrusts he entered me. While I got used to the feeling, he kissed me deeply, and I wasn't sure which connection felt more intimate.

Harry didn't need for me to verbally tell him when I was ready for him to move, he listened to my body. Waiting until my body relaxed around him completely and I had started to press back against him. Only then, when he pulled out a little, did he break our kiss. But, that was probably for the better. Because when he thrust back in, immediately finding my spot, my mouth opened practically involuntarily to release a drawn out moan.

He started out slow, fairly short thrusts in and out, hitting my spot every single time. But then he sped up, the sound of skin hitting skin in the most delicious way resonating throughout the room. “F-fuck Lou, so good.”

I couldn't even form words to respond, my brain becoming a muddled mess of HarryHarryMoreHarryFuckHarryHarryHarry with no room to remember how to form words. All I could do is whimper and moan and arch my back and try and thrust my ass back to meet him.

When his thrusts started to become messier and his moans got louder, I knew that he was getting close. But he kept going, jabbing my prostate over and over until I was cumming all over my shout with a shout of his name.

He kept going, working my through my orgasm while he chased his, until he buried himself deep inside of me and came with nothing but my name on his lips.

He all but collapsed on top of me, still inside of me, the both of us breathless and boneless. “You good?” He asked between pants.

“Mhm. So good. You?”

“So much better than I imagined.”

“So you imagined this?” I teased.

“Shut up.” He said with a role of his eyes. He pulled out of me, making the both of us wince. He tossed the condom (hopefully) into the bin and collapsed beside me once more. “We should get up, we’re both covered in your cum.”

“That’s not my fault, I didn’t make you lie on top of me. No way I'm standing right now. Thank god we don't have to go anywhere today, I'm definitely gonna be limping.”

“Well,” he chuckled “You can't complain about that, either. This was your idea.”

“I know.” I said, relenting. The cum is actually starting to get a little uncomfortable now, so despite the fact that my legs are jelly, we actually do need a shower. “Come on, let's go.”

He stood first, and gave me a hand up. I was right, I'm already limping a little. He giggled as soon as I started to walk, so naturally I lightly swatted at his ass to shut him up.

The shower was just as good as the sex, though no dicks were involved. He kissed under the water, taking turns washing each other's hair. We didn't talk, for words didn't feel necessary.

We were reluctant to get out. But even at the hottest temperature setting, the water was starting to get cold. Without a choice, we stepped out and towelled each other off. Back in our room, we dressed in Harry’s comfiest clothes. We could have gotten back in bed, but the room still smelled like sex so we opted for the couch instead.

We turned on some baking competition and curled up together. Whist watching a lady start to freak out over how to incorporate the surprise ingredient into her tarts, Harry said to me “You know, you’ve never actually talked about what you figured out about yourself.”

I looked up to him from his lap, where I had lain my head. “Yeah? You want me to talk about it?”

He nodded “Of course. I want to know everything about you. If you want to tell me, that is.”

“Alright.” I thought for a moment. This wasn't something I'd thought I'd do. I never thought that I would share the details that went through my mind during those months. But if I'm going to share them with anyone, Harry is the best person for the job.

“Well, I learned that I need a degree of independence, but I also like having people there that I can depend on. I learned that I don't deal with stress well, but I'm getting better with that. I learned that I really like going out with the right people, and that I love live music. I learned that I'm better at socializing and making friends than I thought I would be.”

I sat up, to look him in the eyes, seeing a sweet smile on his face.“I want to teach, preferably younger kids. And that I definitely want to adopt at least one kid of my own, but not until I have a stable job. I hate my last name, and so I decided that I will take my husband’s last name, if I get married. And…”

If I'm going to say this, this feels like the best possible time. “This is a more recent development, but I realized that I am honestly and truly in love with you.”

He was stunned. But, within a second, that small, sweet smile, grew bigger and bigger. He surged forward and kissed me, though it was really more is smiling against each other’s lips.

When we separated, he was still smiling, and I saw pure adoration in his eyes. “I love you too, Louis. With all of my heart, I truly love you.”

We were meant to be. At least, that is what I have come to believe. Coming together as kids, growing alongside each other. And then I was ripped away from him and from our best friends. But with the help of these friends, we came together again half a decade later. Found each other in a city of millions, completely by chance.

The both of us have grown and changed so much over these past few months, both as individuals and together. Both of us have been through pain and suffering and heartbreak, but it has only cemented our places together.

I have scars. Scars that strangers paid to place upon my skin. But these scars have not destroyed me. Like my scars. I will continue to heal. I will never forget. I can't possibly, with the memories engraved on my body and in my mind. But I will move on. And I will continue to grow. And I will flourish.

With Harry at my side, with my childhood friends both back in the town that used to call home, and with my new friends just a few miles away, I will continue to live the life I was meant to live and become the person that I was always meant to be.

Scars or no scars, I will live.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this is over! I initially had the idea to write this when I was sixteen, and now I am nineteen and spending nearly ten months working on it, it's finally over! I really hope that you guys enjoyed reading this as much as I have writing it. I'd love it if you guys could comment so I could hear what all of you thought of it.
> 
> I've got a load of new things that I'm working on writing right now, so I'll definitely have something new on here sometime in the next month or two. Be sure to follow me on tumblr, since that is where I will be keeping you guys updated on what I'm doing.
> 
> My tumblr: heck-to-the-nah


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